JunSu and YooChun take a look at the lead singer’s pale face, the face that used to smile widely if they would finish their food. The face that would give them support to go on when they were down, but now looking at the gloomy face devoid of that ever present smile, they didn’t know what to do. They don’t know how to make the lead singer to keep the faith, to believe that this is not the end. The only thing they know is JaeJoong need YunHo by his side. There would not be JaeJoong if not for YunHo. Isn’t that what once JaeJoong said? The affection they had for each other was not hidden from them. They are always dancing around each other and they never fathom why JaeJoong was trying to ignore something to evident, something he’s craving for.

 

After they came to know about JaeJoong sickness, they understood why the beautiful man didn’t want to accept the leader’s feelings. It hurts the three of them to see them suffer like that. They tried to make JaeJoong accept YunHo’s feeling but they couldn’t say anything when JaeJoong said with a beautiful sad smile, “I’m dying and I love him too much to accept his feelings and hurt him more. I would rather he hate me than seeing him being sad and broken with me.”

 

The morning sunrays filtered through the window glass making everything bright except it couldn’t reach his heart. It’s a cold and dark place where only YunHo can reach and light up, the one who now hates him. The irony is that he is grateful for the hate, which he knows will lessen the pain and make YunHo stronger to go on. But he misses him so much. He misses waking up in the morning and making breakfast for his lovely members. He misses shouting at YunHo and warning him not to disturb when he’s cooking and stay away from stir his good-looking soup. Why does YunHo always stir the whole soup and end up making a mess of it, just to taste it? Well he would never know. He smiled at the thought. Crazy YunHo. How he misses those times now. How he wish he could prepare food for them everyday and YunHo to make a mess of it? But then he doesn’t have everday. He misses feeding ChangMin his cooking. He misses getting angry at YooChun for sleeping inside the working room. He misses nagging at JunSu, so the latter will stop playing late night and get to bed on time.

 

Getting sick like now, he really hates it. Hate to show other people he is sick and not capable of doing anything. Most importantly, he doesn’t want YunHo to worry. He hates when the other worries about him.

 

JaeJoong look at the black notebook lying on his pillow. His song composition, declaring his love to his other half, though YunHo will only knows after his death. If only he had the chance to sing it to him looking strainght into his eyes, telling him how much he loves him. He named the song Nine. It may seem weird but the number holds lot of significance to him. That’s the exact number of years he’s known YunHo. He would write a song called ‘Nineteen’, another called ‘Twenty-nine’ if only he had the time. If only he had the chance to sing it to him looking straight into his eyes, telling him how much he loves him. He named the song ‘Nine’. It may seem weird but the number holds lot of significance to him. That’s the exact number of years he’s known YunHo. 

 

 

‘I miss you, YunHo ah. If I have a chance I want to meet you even for the last time, I want to show you my heart where I have hidden my love for you. . I don’t want you to cry, I only wish for your happiness that I know will never be me who will share it with you but I’m afraid if I see you now my heart will become sadder. Till all this time even a common words such ‘I love you’ that I couldn’t say to you. If only I can stay breathing next to you…..'

 

‘I hate this world, without you my world is trembling. Though I want to see you, I’m sorry I chose not to, I will hate saying goodbye if I see you. I wish all of this was a dream, but this feeling is forever, you’re unforgettable. You’re alive in my memories, YunHo ah. I still can smell your scent on the day you embraced me. Although you always hug me but the one last hug you gave me was the special one. I can feel your warm body, your sweet masculine scent, your gentle voice saying good morning to me. I’m sorry for leaving you like that. I love you, YunHo ah, I truly do’.

 

 

JaeJoong was tearing up remembering the last morning he had with YunHo, two months ago. The last day when YunHo was leaving for the company for some activities without others, JaeJoong hugged YunHo wanting to be with him for few more seconds and though YunHo was questioning the reason for his tears but he kept silent. He wished YunHo to do a nice job that day, remembering his promise to himself not to greet YunHo goodbye. He couldn’t do that, not yet.

 

ChangMin was by his side the moment YunHo left, comforting him like a brother would be. He gave ChangMin, his last letter to YunHo for safekeeping with the promise that the letter will find its owner only after his death, the letter that held his song Nine, his love confession to YunHo, a dream for their future, his wish to stay close to YunHo forever. Now it’s only a sweet dream so out of his reach.

 

Why is tomorrow so near? He’s scared of tomorrow. Can’t tomorrow come two days later or two months or may be two years later, after he’s had fulfilled his dream, lived his share of life, loved his share of love. Why tomorrow is “tomorrow”? The big day for him when he will have to let go of his weak heart that loved YunHo so completely. How could such a weak heart hold so much love he sometimes wonder? Tomorrow is a big day. His heart transplant operation. If he survives there's a chance for him but if not he will have to wait till he’s united again with his YunHo in the next life. He hoped GOD will let them be together in next life. GOD can’t be that cruel to keep them apart again.

 

 

 

FLASHBACK

 

“Yun, I told you to give my notebook back..” JaeJoong chased YunHo who ran behind their maknae, completely engrossed in eating his full bowl of ramen in the kitchen. Nobody disturbs Changmin when he’s eating. Not even his beloved hyungs or else you have to face the VOLDEMIN’s fury.

 

“Hyung, stop it. Both of you are making me dizzy.” ChangMin bellowed as he pulled JaeJoong to sit beside him on the chair. Eyeing JaeJoong as a reminder of his sickness.

 

“YunHo hyung, stop being childish. Give that notebook back. You know, there’s nothing more than lyrics composition in that.”

 

“I know but all the lyrics that JaeJoongie wrote are sad melodies. ‘Don’t cry my lover’ even ‘Nine’ too, they’re really sad.” 

 

“But you said that was your favorite song.” ChangMin said to YunHo then he turned to looks at JaeJoong who’s gone pale.

 

“If I die, what will you do YunHo ah?”. Suddenly JaeJoong asked, his voice was very calm but enough to give shocked to both of his team members.

 

“I will wait till the time for me to die too. I will wait even I know I could no longer see you because to me you are more than a best friend. You are my story that I wrote for the last nine years, you are my morning that I wake up to everday, my dream that accompany me every night. You are all these and so much more to me. I rather lose everything than losing you, the light that illuminate my life.”

 

“Quit that hyung, you know I hate talking about death.” ChangMin grumbled as he walked with his half eaten ramen bowl to the sink. His appetite died after what JaeJoong. He knew JaeJoong loves YunHo but suffering from a serious illness, JaeJoong didn’t want YunHo stuck with a sick person like him. ChangMin struggled to hold back his tears, sad and angry for the unfairness of the whole thing, worrying about his Umma’s health and feeling helpless.

 

“I’m sorry... ...”, JaeJoong’s soft voice floated from his side as he patted ChangMin’s shoulders.

 

ChangMin walked away without looking at either of his hyungs. He closed his bedroom door and walked to his bed. He was looking for a something under his pillow, something he hides nicely there. A photo album.

 

The photo album that he got from YunHo for his birthday. Their memories as five friends, five strangers who became a family, people who knew more about the others than self, five brothers that understand each other completely. He couldn’t stop his tears from falling when his eyes landed on the picture taken at a radio station where for the first time JaeJoong had kissed YunHo’s cheek in front of him. 

 

Since that moment, ChangMin always took notice of JaeJoong’s reaction when YunHo was around. When YunHo confessed to JaeJoong about his feeling, he thought JaeJoong was going to accept it but when JaeJoong rejected the leader, he was shocked with that decision, he couldn’t understand what was going on.

 

Now he understands, understands it all.

 

END OF FLASHABCK

 

 

 

“Hyung, please wake up. I miss you. I miss your cooking, your nagging even YooChun here was not enough. He didn’t laugh like you at my gags. I have nobody to accompany me to play games anymore, it was always you and ChangMin who played with me. ChangMin is far from us, am I going to lose you too?”, JunSu whispered in a choked voice , with tears rolling down his cheeks, breaking the silence inside the white room. 

 

“JunSu ah...” YooChun called for JunSu who had been holding tight to JaeJoong’s left hand. 

 

“You know he can hear you, right?” YooChun said when he noticed the tears rolling out of the corner of JaeJoong’s closed eyes.

 

“I can’t take it anymore. If only YunHo hyung and ChangMin were here...”

 

“JaeJoong hyung always told me he loves YunHo hyung but he knows it’s better this way, that’s why ChangMin planned all this, making sure he’s there with him when we leave TVXQ”, YooChun said. 

 

“They both are each other’s light”, JunSu whispered almost to himself. “Remember what Jae hyung called YunHo, ‘my other half’”, he continued. 

 

“JaeJoong doesn’t want his other half to know about his sickness, see him like this.. Knowing YunHo hyung, he will do anything for JaeJoong hyung even it takes him to lose everything.” YooChun explained though he too couldn’t help but break down. This is so hard. If only YunHo hyung was here. He’s the leader and YooChun always believed his YunHo hyung can take care of everything, make everything alright like always. 

 

Both of them hugged each othe, feeling incomplete with the only two of them. Suddenly both of them were pulled into a strong embrace. “Hyung...”

 

ChangMin tighten his hug on YooChun and JunSu. He couldn’t stand aside knowing that his hyung was suffering and crying on each other shoulder.

 

“Minnie..” Both YooChun and JunSu called together, eyeing the maknae who’s grown even taller and sadly skinnier than before. “You are skinny, Minnie”, JunSu stated.

 

“My Umma is sick here, I don’t have the appetite to eat anymore.” ChangMin released them from his hug and went to stand behind his hyung watching Jae lying on the white hospital sheet looking so pale yet so beautiful, almost ethereal like an angel.

 

“Where’s YunHo hyung?” YooChun asked looking past ChangMin. “You told me hyung already knows about Jae hyung.”

 

ChangMin and YunHo flew from Korea to the States, a week after the letter was found. Ignoring all the rumors, YunHo had requested for a break from the management.

 

“He was with me before.” ChangMin walked back to the door and opened it to find his ever so strong YunHo hyung crouched against the corridor wall, sobbing like a child. Both of them had heard what YooChun was saying before but it affected YunHo more than when he discovered the letter.

 

“Hyung... you want to see him, don’t you?” ChangMin touched his shoulder gently but enough to get YunHo’s attention.

 

“I don’t know, if I can stand to look at him Minnie, knowing he was suffering alone all this time. I feel like I’m not important enough since he didn’t want me to know and I feel even worse to feel that way when I know he was trying to protect me. I feel sad, knowing that I’m the last one to know. It’s hurt to know that he was hiding it because he loves me more than he loves himself.Why is love so complicated Minnie?” YunHo whispred. Changmin was at loss for words hearing so much pain in YunHo’s voice. He’s never seen him this broken.

 

“Please don’t blame yourself, hyung. Jae hyung wants you to continue . He wants our fans to know that TVXQ is still alive even if it’s just me and you. He wants Cassiopeia to always keep the faith, to hope till the end. Remember he always said that hyung. Let’s go.” ChangMin pulled YunHo slowly with him into the room. “JaeJoong hyung needs you”.

 

YunHo’s eyes travelled into the room, the white room that JaeJoong always hated. The room was fills with vanilla scent, there were two men beside the motionless figure lying on the white bed.

 

Every memories of them came to him one by one, just like melodies playing in his mind. The little time they had spent together had become a song, the happiness when they were together seemed like a duplet filling the empty space between them. Now, YunHo knows why JaeJoong loved to play that sad melody, a beautiful sad melody that Jae created for him.

 

YooChun and JunSu stood aside, making a space for YunHo. “Jae…” YunHo looked at his chest, heaving slowly, the movement so small one could almost miss it. Like Jae’s breaths are trying to say goodbye. YunHo started singing “don’t say goodbye” in his head willing his mind to reach JaeJoong’s consciousness and yield his heart to him, stop him from going away from him. 

 

“I’m sorry…” YunHo slowly made his way beside JaeJoong taking his cold hand in his. “Please come back to me and stay with me like we always dreamt. I don’t want you to forget that my heart always been yours, I will protect you with my everlasting eternal love cause you are my everything. I love you so much it hurts, I love you, and whatever I do I will never hurt you. Please come back, JaeJoong ah. I don’t want to say goodbye cause you know you are my soul, my everything, the only one that make my heart go crazy.” YunHo could hear YooChun tearing up more than before while ChangMin’s shoulders were shaking.

 

“I still want to hear you sing to me, your smile and even when you said I want to be with you, sharing it with you. If I was your star, I want to brighten up so I could accompany you in the dark, long and cold nights. If I was your star, you are my sunshine always there during my gloomy days, hearing to me like skies that always surround my life. Comeback to me, JaeJoong ah.” YunHo was hoping for JaeJoong to respond even he knows that was almost impossible.

 

“Hyung, doctor said that if tomorrow JaeJoong hyung still does not wake up, they will remove the ventilator and he will be declared…..” JunSu croaked still sobbing. Though a part of him is not yet ready to lose someone as important as his JaeJoong hyung, the other half would rather his JaeJoong hyung be spared from of living in that state.

 

“Jae, please wake up… don’t leave me, there are still too many things I want to do with you, I want to show you. Please, don’t do this to me.” YunHo was crying harder. For the first, he kissed JaeJoong on his dry lips, while YooChun, JunSu and ChangMin looked at their hyung with sympathy. 

 

Loving each other but didn’t manage to tell the other.

 

 

 

JAEJOONG'S POV

 

I can hear the crying because of me. I want to hug them. I want to tell them, how much I love them but I can’t. I can’t find any light, I don’t see any star. Am I going to die? If I am dying, please give me another chance to see them for the last time, even if it was for a minute. I want them to know that I’m happy to know them. That I love them more than anything.

 

I’m proud to have them as members. I want to tell YunHo that I’m sorry, that I love and I’m sorry that I can’t accept his feeling though it was the moment that I been waiting for. No matter how sick I am, I think I’ll be okay when I see you but now knowing you’re here and I can’t do anything but trapping in this dark alone. I’m hopeless, YunHo ah.

 

I can hear your voice beckoning me to come back and stay with you, but I can’t move my body YunHo ah, I want to tell you that I am not far away from from you, that I can hear you. I want to run to you, even I lost everything I want to earn new future with you. So I can repay your love, I want to protect you. I will exchange with anything I had just to be with you because we’re one. You’re my only destiny, YunHo ah. 

 

When I leave this whole world, will the sadness leave as well?. I want to witness your happiness, I will take the pain with me. I don’t want you to know the pain that I swallowed even for thousand years, I hope I can meet you once again. 

 

Thank you, YunHo ah for the love you gave me, for protecting me, being there with me even I was just an average boy that didn’t had anything else. My other half, YunHo. I love you. 

 

END OF JAEJOONG'S POV

 

 

 

“Where is JaeJoong?” YunHo panicked when he saw JaeJoong’s body was not on the white bed laying on it like before.

 

“The doctor already took him..”

 

“WHAT!!!” YunHo screamed at ChangMin. He is still not ready to let go of JaeJoong, not in this instant.

 

“Hyung!!!” ChangMin followed YunHo to the doctor’s room.

 

YunHo barged into the room, “Jae..”

 

“Yunnie ah” JaeJoong smiled when he saw YunHo barge in with a scared expression on his face.

 

“Didn’t I say not to go anywhere without me. I thought …..” YunHo said while he pulled the beautiful man into his arms, the man who’s been his constant source of worry these days. If not for JaeJoong who asked him accompany YooChun and JunSu to the cafeteria, he would have never left JaeJoong’s side. He almost lost the love of his life, and he’s not ready to leave him alone even for a second.

 

“I had to do the check up so that I know I’m getting better. No need to worry.” JaeJoong pulled back from the embrace to look into his eyes. He lightly brushed his fingers against the side f YunHo’s face while gazing into his eyes and what he saw there almost stopped his new heart. Where did he got the strength to ever deny this man anyting he wouldn’t know He could see his heart in YunHo’s eyes. He sighed and hid his face at the nook of YunHo’s neck, inhaling the sweet masculine scent he missed so much. His heart swelled with love and he feared his heart might stop. He felt a light tug on his hair at the back of his head. The moment he looked up, YunHo crashed his lips onto his for a shearing kiss, the intensity took his breath away. “Thank you for being here with me, protecting me and loving me”, he whispered against YunHo’s lips when they broke apart for the much needed air.

 

YunHo only smiled and kissed him again, this time so gently like he’s some precious glasses that may break with the slightest pressure. “Thank you for staying with me, being the melody of my life, there will be no me if not for you, JaeJoongie", YunHo said and they kiss each other passionately ignoring the doctor and their dongsaeng that was looking at them.

 

“Doctor Max, I’m sorry for my older brothers’ behavior.” ChangMin apologize to the blond American man in front him. Luckily, the doctor didn’t really care.

 

“It’s okay, I have heard of them. They’re the famous YunJae couple. I thought it was just a rumor but I see it’s true. I’m happy.” ChangMin could swear he saw the doctor’s blue eyes glisten. “So, he is a YunJae shipper.” ChangMin looks away not knowing what to say anymore.