I deserve more.

I deserve more than this.

If only—if only I'm a man, will I be the person beside her tomorrow and for the rest of her life?

'If'

I can only be an 'if'.

"Should I go tomorrow?"

"You'll only hurt yourself if you go."

But that's the only way to know if I'm still alive. If I still have the will to live my life, if I can still inhale the same air in this place, the same place where you reside, I'm still capable of feeling pain, or have I gone numb? I wish I had, for tomorrow will be the most painful day of my entire time on this planet.

"I'll go." I smiled, but she frowned. I reached my hand to hold hers and the other to cup her left cheek.

"But it's okay. If you don't want to see me, then I'll... she squeezed my hand. She wants me there, but at the same time, she just wants me to leave and be gone. Maybe for months, years, or maybe for eternity.

"You're such a masochist. Do you know that? " She hit my arm gently. We're outside her house, supposedly our house. This is where the wedding will commence tomorrow. Not a lot of people will attend, only some relatives and close ones. Unfortunately, I'm part of the close ones.

"Jennie-ssi—I mean, soon-to-be Mrs. Kim, let me be selfish for the last time." Fortunately, the lucky guy's surname was also Kim. It wouldn't make a difference, but I can only wish that it was me. I do wish it was me. Yes, in this world of critics, selfishness, and toxicity, I still wish I was him. I wouldn't care even for a single second about what the world would think if I married her. She's all I have. Without her, it feels like I've been robbed of my happiness.

We—I don't know if I can still use that without thinking that we are not going to be together anymore—dreamt of owning a house to ourselves, cooking each other dinner, washing the dishes together, and playing around like we always do. But it was crushed to pieces, to shards that could make you bleed, to dust.

I understand her, though. She has to do this in order to pay back everything her parents did for her.

They can pay her mother's hospital bills, and as the only daughter, she can't say no.

We—I don't know if I can still use that without thinking that we are not going to be together anymore—dreamt of owning a house to ourselves, cooking each other dinner, washing the dishes together, and playing around like we always do. But it was crushed to pieces, to shards that could make you bleed, to dust. I understand her, though. She has to do this in order to pay back everything her parents did for her. They can pay her mother's hospital bills, and as the only daughter, she can't say no.

"Nini." A sniff. It's getting harder to speak. I can feel the lump in my throat slowly forming.

I won't shed a tear tonight. Someone has to be strong, and that is me.

"Remember what we do whenever we're in a good mood?"

"W-we dance like how couples do."

"And I'd tell you how much I love you under the moon." I can feel my shirt getting wet as more tears flow down from her eyes. She hugged me tighter, her hands strongly gripping my shirt. She doesn't want to let go. But...

Someone has to.

I swayed our bodies together, following the rhythm of her favorite song in my head. We could've danced happier and livelier, but that would be absurd at this moment.

"Don't cry, your eyes will get puffy and you won't see a thing tomorrow." I felt her gently hit my back. Her cries turned to sobs in a matter of seconds, and I couldn't help but shed