i stare at the glass of martini in my hands. the last olive swirling with the drink as my mind finds its way out of reality.

i'm gonna think of her again and i don't like it.

for the past three months, i've been getting stuck in a cycle of reminiscing the good ol' days with her. it that it always happens when i drink. it because i drink every day. i'm never gonna get out of this loophole.

i'll never get over you, chae.

it's the seventh of march today. 20 days before my birthday. we usually celebrate the seventh on 27 instead. "a double celebration", she said.

we did that for three years, we have to get a day off exactly on my birthday. it felt odd, i don't have to celebrate either of it now.

what haunts me the most was september 7, 2020. she didn't come home the night before that. i texted her, and called her and she answered after five hours. for me, it felt like a week.

"you coming home tonight?" i asked. the minute i heard her voice i was in the verge of breaking.

"i'm not coming home, lisa. i'm sorry i won't be home tomorrow either." and i couldn't speak, there was something holding me back that time that the only word i managed to say was, "alright."

she ended the call after.

i felt so unloved, ignored, and disappointed; for the first time in our relationship, we won't spend our day together. she didn't even say why.

but maybe she has a reason and maybe she didn't tell me because i never really asked.

until now i wonder what the reason was.

the next morning, i received a text from her.

i'm really sorry that i have to end it this way. i'm tire