"I like you, I like you so much and it hurts."

 

Hendery spoke those words with sincerity, his gaze fixed on the other's widened eyes.

 

A long silence appeared between them, Xiaojun was waiting for him to say something like, ‘I’m just kidding, don't take this seriously’, while laughing. But it didn't happen.

 

The younger is just staring lovingly at him as if Xiaojun is the most beautiful thing in his eyes.

 

"Hendery, I swear to god! I'm n-not really fond of this joke o-of yours!" He said and stepped backward. Xiaojun has no idea why he's getting emotional over this, something inside him pinched his heart seeing Hendery like this.

 

Maybe, he's also afraid to hurt Hendery.

 

"Just like the other day, I'm not fooling around. I just said that to keep you from freaking out." He said calmly and smiled at him, but he doesn’t look happy.

 

"Why? I told you clearly. We can't. I really wish that you're just joking." Xiaojun sighs but he's shocked.

 

"I wish I am too. But I'm not." Hendery averted his attention for a moment before returning it to the older.

 

He had expected this response from him, but it still hurt him. He couldn't do anything about it since he can't control his feelings.

 

He was well aware that Xiaojun would reject him, but he also wanted Xiaojun to be aware of his feelings because he didn't want to be a coward and lie to him any longer.

 

"Stop it, you're just drunk." Xiaojun scolded but Hendery remains calm.

 

"I'm not drunk. Well at least, alcohol made me braver." He chuckled.

 

"Guanheng you can't! We can't! I remember telling you that." The older sobbed. He can't look at his best friend properly because he's obviously suffering as well when he sees him in this state.

 

"Why?! Why can't I? Why can't we? Is it because you only see me as your brother?" He scoffed. "I'm sorry, but I don't see you that way. It's more complicated than that."

 

"Why don't you try to stop it? You knew what I was going to say, didn't you?" Xiaojun said softly, he's trying hard not to cry.

 

Hendery attempts to hide his pain by smiling. "If only I could stop my heart, I would! Yet I have no control as to who I fall in love with. I couldn't believe I'd fallen for you at first, then I knew it wasn't such a bad thing after all. We knew each other already, we’re comfortable. Unfortunately, you did not see me in that way." He chuckled bitterly.

 

Xiaojun breathed deeply and glanced at the younger. He bit his lip and averted his gaze once more because he knows how difficult it is for Hendery and for him.

 

Nothing's wrong with Hendery.

 

He just can't lose him like this.

 

Xiaojun believes that once best friends start dating, there's a possibility that they'll break up too and the precious friendship will disappear too after the break up. Surely, they will hate seeing each other just like that.

 

And he can't let it happen with him and Hendery.

 

It's hard for him too.

 

Unlike Hendery, he will never take the risk.

 

"No. Don't do this to me, please." Xiaojun is gradually tearing up. "Please."

 

"Do you really hate it that much?" He wondered, and the pain of his words broke the older's heart.

 

Obviously not. He adores Hendery in every way and is grateful that they met.

 

"But why me? We're best friends, and you're aware that Lucas is the one I like." He sobbed.

 

"It doesn't matter to me.” Hendery bit his lower lip and leaned in closer to the older. He his hair and brushed his tears away. "And I'm sorry. But I'm not going to regret the fact that my heart chose you." Hendery inhaled deeply and forced a smile.

 

“I'm not going to ask you to like me back, and I'm not hoping anything in return. I just want you to know." Hendery then he moved away. "I don't know when this feeling started, I just realized one day that I want to spend the rest of my life with you and it can't be anyone but you. Despite knowing that you'll hate me in the end."

 

After that, Xiaojun was speechless. They're both looking at each other's eyes, Xiaojun was scared that if he talks too soon, Hendery would get hurt, which he doesn't like. He's calm, but he's aware of how difficult things are for the younger.

 

Hendery has been there for him his whole life, cheering him up. Through their frequent feuds, Hendery never said something hurtful to him.

 

"Please, you can't like me."

 

"It’s too late for that." Hendery pressed his lips into a thin line.

 

Xiaojun looked away. In that way, Hendery already knew the answer.

 

"Alright." He sighs again, except this time he's crying. "It's getting late, so go home. You can even sell the guitar if you don't want it. Do whatever you want for it, just don't give it back to me." He smiled bitterly again, patted the older’s hair, and walked away.

 

When Hendery left, Xiaojun's eyes welled up once more. This is not the Christmas that he imagined it to be.

 

----

Hendery is looking at his phone, debating whether or not to text Xiaojun. He didn't sleep at night because Xiaojun's face was on his mind all the time. He is upset and disappointed, as he should have expected. But what will he do if his heart has already chosen Xiaojun? He had no choice but to acknowledge it.

 

Will he be able to celebrate New Year with him?

 

After what happened earlier, maybe not.

 

In the end, he didn't send him a message and call Mark instead.

 

"What's up?" Mark answered the call.

 

"Merry Christmas M