Not edited. I hope you enjoy the update 😅

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Feelings are messy. That's what Joohyun knew, the moment she witnessed her mom kneel in front of her father to take them back. She thought they were happy, but ever since she only had the chance to see her father early in the morning and go to sleep with him still not home, her mom started to change. She'd often space out, forgetting she had a daughter to take care of. Joohyun had to deal with it, had to learn to take care of herself. She felt like she had no one else. 

Her father fell in love with someone else, or so he said. Her mother begged and pleaded, desperately so, and lost herself in the process. 

She lost her mother to love... was it still called love? 

Since then, she's been wary. She learned it the hard way: feelings change. Some people may say things they mean, but that doesn't guarantee they'd still mean it tomorrow. No matter how much she hates change, no matter how stubborn she is to resist it, it always happens. She doesn't like it but she's gotten used to it. 

This change, it's one she dislikes more than the other changes from the past. She wished for it before, now she dislikes it. It's confusing. Her point being: feelings are messy.

She hates clutter and she hates it even more that it's her feelings in that state. They're messy, jumbled, and all over the place. 

If Seungwan wants her to stay away, then fine. She's two days in without talking to her and she's been perfectly fine. 

She's so perfectly fine, she's sitting not at where she must when she visits this place. She's not sitting on the boulder but on the bench, exactly where Seungwan sat when they first came together. 

She's so perfectly fine that she wants to scream, because it's dark and nobody would see her far up. Because she's alone and nobody would look at her like she's a mad woman who'd rather lose screaming than lose her sanity. 

It's been two days. Two restless days of waiting for Seungwan to come back. It's enough time. Too long of a time for her to take. It's cold and too silent and too dark and it's Seungwan that she remembers again. Her warmth, her voice, her light. 

Why can't she remember a time when Seungwan was away? Why was she too hurt that Seungwan would even think of leaving? 

There's never time to think with Seungwan. Or maybe she loses the ability to think with her. But Seungwan's always given her time. Always made her comfortable. Always tried to be what Joohyun wanted and it's too selfish. Too selfish of her to be uncertain. 

"Seungwan-ah." Joohyun murmurs into the open air, the sky clear of clouds but her mind clouded with hazy what ifs. 

She stood up, looked up, and walked away. To where her feet may take her. Where she really wants to right now.

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Seungwan barely made it inside her apartment without her knees trembling, her back against the cold walls of her room.

She did it. Said what she should have.

She felt relieved but that does not take away the fact that she was moments from breaking down, moments from going back, to ask for Joohyun's forgiveness and take whatever small amount of affection the older had for her. It felt too much like the pain had been physical because even when she thought she had it under control, she vainly hoped. That this time, Joohyun would give it a chance.

This is why hope is evil. Hope is desperation that clings to your skin like an itch that only leaves when you're shattered just enough for it to lose a place to latch on to.

Then there's Seulgi, sweet Seulgi who always had her back. Her friend who picked her up when she was literally down and put her on her bed and tucked her in with gentle hands through her soft brown tresses. Seulgi who made sure she ate, when she didn't need reminding. She checked on her, when she knows Seungwan can take care of herself.

Seungwan may be in pain but she's not that destructive. Life goes on. She goes to class. Have more time to study. Sing her songs. Put up smiles to shield others from her misery. Pretend to be thankful Joohyun actually went with it. Left without a fight. Left like it was nothing. No one was to blame but her request that was her form of defense. She was much too hurt and forgive her for this but maybe she also wanted Joohyun to hurt. She felt guilt creep up her skin and felt it burn, but maybe it wasn't meant for her to feel. 

Joohyun's not here now and it's going to be good for her. 

She's fully convinced she'll be fine. Not now–definitely not now, but someday. She'll have these feelings out in no time and maybe they can be real friends. Without the drama. 

Seungwan put her guitar down when she realized she hadn't been playing and had been inside her head. Right on time, she hears her door's knob rattle, the other side struggling to open. 

Seulgi comes barging in with a bag swung haphazardly over her arm and a bubble tea on one hand. Shutting the door with a kick, the bear stomps through the living room while making a beeline for Seungwan's fridge. 

"Where have you been? You took too long." The younger woman inquires curiously, turning behind, all the while eyeing the bubble tea her friend had conveniently placed on the kitchen table. 

"I bumped with someone along the way. We had a little chat," strained Seulgi, voice muffled with her head inside the refrigerator. 

"Who?" 

Finally picking her own drink, Seulgi emerges from the kitchen to place herself beside Seungwan. "An acquaintance." 

Seungwan only nodded, paying no mind to their exchange when Seulgi offers the bubble tea she brought. "It's for me?" She glances at the cup while receiving it. Seulgi nods amusingly. "Yes. I'm not too fond of bubble tea," said the bear. Seungwan chuckled at that, strangely forgetting her best friend's preference because she didn't want to assume the drink was for her. She knows better than to assume too much these days. As she was sipping on her cup enthusiastically, she was mentally thanking Seulgi. Her best friend knows just how to cheer her up. 

"It's from Irene." 

Scratch that. Her best friend knows just how to give her a coughing fit. Fortunately, she had succeeded in swallowing the drink she had inside , albeit rather harshly, and a surprised Seulgi had hurriedly fetched her water and a cloth to clean some of the contents that was spilled to the side of her lips. 

"I'm sorry, that wasn't well-timed." Apologized a chuckling Seulgi who was continously wiping , long after it's been dry. Seungwan noticed her being unfocused but chose not to dwell on it. 

Instead, she yelled, "It definitely was not! I could've died, Seul!" 

"Yeah, yeah, it's fine. It's fine." Broken out of her haze, Seulgi patted her best friend's head as if she were a child having a fit. "There, there. Do you want candy?" 

With a glare, Seungwan threatened, "You know what? I'm going to smack you." She made an act of doing so, her fists closed and ready to hit the bear. Seulgi put her forearm in defense and laughed. "Yah! Just enjoy your bubble tea!" She exlaimed while standing up so she could be out of Seungwan's reach. Seungwan was still cutely glaring but a splash of curiosity was painted across her face. 

"Why did you accept it?" Seungwan questioned. These days her best friend has been extra cautious not to mention a certain raven haired goddess whenever they talk and has made sure they hang out where there's no chance she'd bump into that someone. Seungwan's eyes narrowed. 

Seulgi shrugged. "Gut feeling." 

"What?" The singer eyed Seulgi who was assessing if it was already safe to sit beside her best friend. 

"She looked devasted. I had to accept it or I think she was ready to burst into tears." 

That splurge of hope. It's supposed to be out of her options. So she drinks her bubble tea. Follows Seulgi making her way beside her. Takes in her beverage like the air she inhales to live. Mutes an onslaught of thoughts that could potentially cause more harm than good.

"Hmm." Seungwan hums absent-mindedly. 

----

The streets were empty of people. Only Joohyun's footsteps could be heard as she