Lisa | Breathe


 

Losing the two most important people in my life, I felt like I lost a part of who I was. Nothing felt right. I felt lifeless. It came to the point breathing became a chore, eating became a job I never wanted and sleeping became a myth. I was fighting a never ending battle and losing.

A week past and I didn't attend school. My parents decided for me to take time for myself and grieve. However, I wasn't just grieving my grandpas death, I was grieving over the loss of the only friend I thought I could trust. I was grieving the loss of the only person I have ever loved.

Jennie stopped trying to contact me after three days. From what I've seen on social media, she looked happy while I was crying under the covers barely hanging on.

How could it have been so easy for her to forget about me? How could she say she cared about me so carelessly? Just thinking of that mere question, I couldn't help the hate that I grew for her. I hated her so much. My hate for her was my only escape from the soul crushing sadness that consumed me every day. Unfortunately, the hate I felt for her was always temporary because the moment the hate erased from my heart, all I felt was pain.

The memories of our friendship felt meaningless the moment our friendship ended. But not to me. Maybe for her, but it would never be meaningless to me. And, knowing I was no longer in her mind only increased the excruciating pain to the extent where I felt like it was eating me alive until I was nothing.

And that's what I felt,

Nothing.












 

"Are you sure you're okay to go back to school?" My
mother asked me, stopping the car in front of the school. I silently sat there and watched the students entering the building that felt like prison. My heart should've been racing but all I felt was emptiness in my chest. Absolutely nothing.

I let out a breath and nodded, "I'll be fine," I whispered. But I knew I wasn't. I wasn't fine but I didn't want to burden my parents. Wouldn't want them to be tired of me too.

"Is Jennie dropping you off?" My mother asked.

No.

"Yes," I lied. I had to. I needed to so my mother wouldn't have to worry about me.

Don't be a burden Lisa.

"I'll see you later," I shortly said, voice as numb as it could be. Grabbing my backpack, lifting up my hoodie and sliding out of the car, I shut the door and didn't look back because if I did, I might run back. I might cry. I might scream. And I might never ever remember how it felt to be alive again.










 

Maybe I'll never feel it again.











 

Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale.

"Watch it," a student hissed, but I ignored the ignorance and continued walking down the crowded hallway. My head was down, my grip around my straps tightened till my knuckles turned white, and my dry, strained eyes stayed casted down to the floor.

Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale.

I watched my feet uncontrollably make their way to my lockers and stop in front. Lifting my head to look at my locker, I felt sudden drowsiness wave through my body causing my sight to turn black for just a second. I took a sharp breath and placed my hands on the cold lockers, steadying myself.

I clenched my eyes and inhaled deeply, "I'm fine," I whispered. Not caring for the book I need for my class, I pushed myself off my locker and rushed towards the restroom. I didn't care for the glares I was receiving for shoving past students. I didn't care for any of them.

I rushed inside and stood in front of the sink. I gripped onto the counter and stared at my reflection, wincing at what I was seeing before me. My skin was pale, my cheeks had become prominent, my brown eyes was swollen and blank, and my lips was bruised from biting the skin too hard to muffle my cries every night.

I didn't want them to hear me.

I clenched my eyes tightly and lowered my head,

I'm okay.

Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale.










 

"So nice of you to join us miss Manoban," The Professor said, sarcasm dripping from his tongue. Hearing the arrogance in his tone had caused the regret I had for being late instantly disappear.

Before the bell rang, I stood outside and was fighting an internal battle which prevented me from even entering the class knowing who shared the same desk as me.

So, you professor Seungri

I clenched my jaw and bowed before making my way to my desk, ignoring all the curious gazes from my mutuals. Regrettably, I lifted my gaze for a moment only to bring them back down when I met intense brown eyes from beside me.

I turned my body away and covered my head even more with my hoodie. I sunk more into my chair and fiddled with my pencil between my fingers trying to find any form of distraction so I wouldn't focus on how amazing Jennie smelled. But because of my reckless, antsy movements, the pencil had slipped from my fingers and rolled to the one person I wished it hadn't.

From the inside of my hoodie, I watched as her gentle hands took the pencil and cautiously hand it back. "Uh, here you go," she whispered. I had closed my eyes, as if to relish her smooth sweet voice one last time. Her voice was so soothing to the ears that I felt my body close to melting. But realizing everything and remembering the annoyance in her eyes, I quickly shot m