A/N: There's this really great article about the 12 good things of hitting rock bottom that is actually a pretty good read. Got some parts of it to add in here. 

Enjoy!

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Feeling like you hit rock bottom in life is a scary and dark place for many people. Oftentimes this place is extremely hard to get out of. Sometimes you don't want to get out of this place, and sometimes you feel like the only way out is by checking out of life. Every morning you wake up and look outside the window and think, "Not another day".

 

But it can also be a good thing, because at the bottom, you realise just how far off course you were, and that your life choices were simply not sustainable. It’s in those dark moments of despair that your anger and frustration become so great and you declare once and for all to never again accept such mediocrity from yourself or from others.

 

At the bottom, all your dysfunctional behaviours are finally revealed. If you never hit your lowest point, the dysfunctions continue to go unnoticed and unchecked, playing out under the denial radar and inevitably creating bigger dysfunctions and a harder fall down the track. Until the bubble bursts, you cleverly delude yourself into thinking everything is juuuuust great… and your life ends up being built on a big, fat lie and a false foundation.

 

Hitting rock bottom is the beginning of questioning everything that you’ve ever thought to be true. You question your motives, other people’s motives, your beliefs, your fears, why you did things, why you didn’t do things, why you attracted certain people and circumstances, why you succeeded, why you failed. However it’s only worthwhile if you come back having learned some solid lessons and with wisdom to share from having survived the fall.

 

On monday morning you usually could find Chaeyoung drinking some coffee in the morning while dribbling on her piano before heading out for breakfast, but not this time, this time you can find her still in bed, face down with a pillow over her head.

 

“I think you drink too much.”

 

“I think you are right.” Chaeyoung mumbles her eyes only half opened.

 

“Damn, you look like you got thrown through a window and wow it smells like…”

 

“Rotten cheese!”

 

“Exactly! Thanks, bug.” Said Lisa, high fiving the five year old.

 

“Go away.”

 

“And bad breath.”

 

“I said, go away.” Chaeyoung barks and throws the pillow she had on top of her head towards Lisa.

Lisa managed to avoid the incoming pillow just in time, after picking it up from the floor she turns to Mia who was looking up expectantly at her. “Bug, why don’t you go get aunty Chae a bottle of water?”

 

Chaeyoung closed her eyes due to the harsh light coming from the windows but still managed to sit up anyway all while Lisa looked at her amused.

 

“I thought we were gonna see you at that school board hearing.” Said the brunette.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Lisa sighed at the mumbled response and crossed her arms. “They suspended you, Chae. Ten showcases.”

 

“There’s only 11 left.”

 

“Not for you.”

 

Both girls looked at each other for a few seconds until Mia came back and hoped on the bed to sit next to Chaeyoung. “Here you go, aunty Chae.”

 

“Okay, bug. We gotta go.” The girl jumped from the bed and went to stand besides Lisa, who crouched down to speak to her. “Mia, wait for me by the living room, I’ll be out in a sec.”

 

“Okay. Bye aunty, Chae!”

 

Lisa closed the door once Mia got out and turned to look at the hungover blonde who was pressing the cold bottle of water to her head.

 

“Look, Chipmunk… I know from experience whatever answers you are looking for… You’re not gonna find them like this. Trust me I know it that Hyeri is dating someone else, I know it you got your heart broken again, And it that you blew up at one of your dancers and haven’t showed up to one single practice in 2 weeks, but don’t make it worse.”

 

The blonde sighed and looked down at the small recap of what has happened, she wasn’t proud of herself, but somehow this darkness was bringing out the worst in herself.

 

“The darkness doesn’t have any answers, Chae. Trust me.”

 

If we misread the blueprint of our life, we need not be ashamed of backtracking on our chosen options. Admitting to mistakes may make us human and maybe great again.

 

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I'm in my bed

And you're not here

And there's no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands

 

Hitting rock bottom is the beginning of questioning everything that you’ve ever thought to be true. You question your motives, other people’s motives, your beliefs, your fears, why you did things, why you didn’t do things, why you attracted certain people and circumstances, why you succeeded, why you failed. The very fabric of your life is turned upside down and examined in raw detail. It’s from this point that you build again, from the ground up, with a fresh perspective based on your renewed sense of clarity.

 

True meaningful relationships between humans can't be had unless giving and receiving are done in equal parts on both ends. Being able to receive directions when you're lost, a gift, or a warm embrace from someone you love. And sometime is this people you need to surround yourself with during your darkest times…

 

“Oh.. well well… what is this?”

 

Jisoo walked into Chae’s house to see her sat on the floor surrounded by boxes, papers, notebooks, the blonde girl looked hangover, sad and quite honestly miserable.

 

“Not sure.”

 

“I would laugh if this wasn’t such a mess.”

 

“I was trying to clear some stuff up and then I fell, and I guess I just couldn’t get up anymore.” Said the blonde pouting.

 

“Aww… Pasta. You look sad.” The brunette said sympathetically.

 

“I feel sad, so… I dunno…” She shrugged. “I’m just letting my whole body feel sad I guess.”

 

“Okay, we are going for a drive, get up.”

 

“Why?”

 

“We are going for a drive because I’m your best friend and you need me, so chop chop, pasta.”

 

After sometime Chaeyoung found herself driving Jisoo around for no apparent reason, though the blonde has to admit it felt nice being out of the house during the day for once and not have her head pounding anymore.

 

“I got to ask you something.” Said Jisoo, interrupting the silence they were in. “Did you tell Jennie you hate her?”

 

Okay, so maybe there was a reason for this drive after all. “Maybe… I might’ve been a little wasted.” The blonde admitted.

 

Jisoo scuffed. “A little wasted?” She asked sarcastically. “Pasta, you can be such an sometimes, she’s in love with you probably broke her heart….”

 

“Oh I didn’t break her heart.” Chaeyoung scuffed at the implication. “Don’t be dramatic.”

 

“I’m not being dramatic… stop here.”

 

“The light is green.”

 

“Just stop.”

 

Chaeyoung sighed as she stepped on the breaks. “Alright. We’re sitting at a green light… now what?” She said leaning forward a bit to look out from the front window of the car.

 

“Just wait for it.”

 

Chaeyoung looked at Jisoo and then at the rearview mirror, she then starting hearing honks from the car behind her which annoyed her to no end. “Jisoo, the light is green, Wait for what?!” And as if on queue a water balloon dropped down and splashed all the car surprising the blonde who leaned forward again to look up into the sky.

 

“Kinda like Jennie’s heart, don’t you think?” Said Jisoo removing her seatbelt and opening the door to get out. “I’m heading up there you go park the car. Don’t come up unless I tell you to.”

 

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Forget what I said

It's not what I meant

And I can't take it back, I can't unpack the baggage you left

 

When Jisoo gets to the roof of her store she’s bombarded with a lot o memories of her high school days, she remembers the countless hours she spent up here with Chaeyoung, writing their predictions for the upcoming year and stuffing them behind a loose brick in the wall, she remembers filling up water balloons and throwing them at the ground whenever they felt sad or angry…

 

“Jendukie.”

 

Jennie turns around from where she was looking at the street, a few water balloons by the edge of the roof next to her and she was standing with a balloon on her hands.

 

“You said this made you feel better.”

 

Jisoo sighed with a small smile and walked towards her giving her a small hug. “It’s gonna be okay.”

 

“You know what?” Asked Jisoo after they sat there for a while. “I have some words for you, even though they are not mine.” She said as she walked towards the wall next to door and removed a looked for a loose brick. “Chaeyoungie and I, we used to write our predictions every year before the school year started. Sort of what we hoped would happen.”

 

“Lame.”

 

“You know you’re jealous.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

Jisoo rolled her eyes. “Anyway, I’m gonna violate my friendship code here because you’re at, like, code red. You both useless lesbians are.” The brunette took out some old papers from the wall and placed the loose brick back in place. She then sat down on the wooden table and gestured for Jennie to sit down as well.

 

“Jennie Kim will become Jennie Park.” She read, smiling at the memory. “That was, like, eighth grade. I think it was the same year you moved here.”

 

“Jisoo…” Mumbled Jennie shaking her head, not knowing how to feel.

 

“Pasta got a little cocky sophomore year.” The brunette said with a chuckle, ignoring the other girl. “‘Make out with Jennie Kim...or more’. ‘Take Jennie Kim to a movie’. And, ‘This year, I’ll talk to Jennie Kim’. ‘Try again with Ji...Jisoo.” She read with a frown, making both girls laugh. “Well we can ignore that part, we both know how much that didn’t happen… But, you know, this is how much she doesn’t hate you. It’s a whole lifetime’s worth.”

 

“I know. I know. That’s… That’s what she writes. But what she says is a totally different story.” Said Jennie shaking her head, she was afraid that if she started listening to what everyone had to say about Chaeyoung’s feelings for her, she would start to believe them and she’d get hopeful again.

 

Jisoo looked at Jennie softly and with a smile as if knowing what the other girl was doing, at the end of the day the other brunette was also her best friend. “You of all people should now that sometimes people write the things they can’t say.”

 

This brought a whole new perspective to Jennie, because it was true, how many times had she listened to Chaeyoung’s podcast interview, how many times have she said those same words herself… music speaks what cannot be expressed, she figures the same can be said with any type of writing… maybe even stories.

 

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When you hit rock bottom You gain compassion. You understand what it’s like for people in the depths of despair, shame, guilt, and fear. You can’t help but come back from the bottom feeling immense empathy with the human condition.

 

You’re able to let go of everything because nothing is working anyway! Letting go of the old creates space for the new and soon new ideas, people, opportunities, talents and gifts start to flood into your experience. As you empty your cup, so to speak, you fill it back up with stuff that you actually want, instead of accepting what was unconsciously passed onto you. Life hands you a fresh cup of reality.

 

Jisoo is alone placing their old predictions on the wall when she sees Chaeyoung’s hand on the door waiving a metaphorical white flag, in this case a tissue.

 

“All right. All clear, you goof.”

 

“No Jennie?”

 

“No.” She answered walking away from the wall. “You need to apologize to her.”

 

Chaeyoung walks and just like Jisoo is bombarded with memories, taking a water balloon that was on the table on her hands she sits on the table. “Remember all the water balloon battles we used to have up here?”

 

“Don’t change the subject.” Jisoo answered as she sat down on the table next to Chae. “Now that you mention it was junior year, the auction. Remember? People would bid on us simply to get one night date with us all because we didn’t have the fonds to go to the state championship.” Said Jisoo with a fond smile. “We had that water balloon fight up here, and you had just found out I used my student president power to get a date with you.”

 

“You mean when you were too scared to tell me how you felt?” The blonde joked.

 

“I am so barely your friend right now.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“The point is, I was so scared that night. I was falling in love for the first time, and I was so unsure. But I did it. And while it wasn’t easy, it was everything.”

 

“It meant everything to me too.”

 

Jisoo looked at Chaeyoung seriously as if silently asking her if she was getting was she was trying to say. “We’re not kids anymore, Pasta. It really hurts me to watch what you’re doing.”

 

“They both said no, Choo. I said yes.”

 

“Don’t give me that, Pasta. Hey look at me.” Jisoo demanded nicely when she saw the blonde looking everywhere but at her. “I know what you are thinking and no, you are not unlovable, yes you got a little lost and you made mistakes, you and Jennie both did but those… you can fix, you need to be honest with yourself. What do you want? If Hyeri is the girl that you’re in love with, great. If it’s Jennie, great, just please...Stop hiding your heart… I mean it.”

 

Chaeyoung sniffled and pat Jisoo’s hand in thanks. “Look at you, you work things out with Lisa and you become a love guru.”

 

Jisoo chuckled and shook her head. “No, Pasta. I just know how dark and lonely things can become when you hide your heart.”

 

The good news is, once you’ve hit rock bottom, you know you can’t possibly go any lower. You realise the bottom is actually a great springboard from which to push yourself up to the surface—away from the darkness and back into the light.

 

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Jennie was sitting by the bridge, she had been there after her talk with Jisoo, this has been the place where everything seemed to come to place all through her life, this is where she spoke to Chaeyoung for the first time, this is where she first admitted her feelings for Chaeyoung out loud, this is where always comes when things feel out of place…

And this is where she comes to think, and right now what she’s thinking is that despite it all she knows she made the right choice by coming back and she knows that despite it all she would always be waiting for her Chaeyoung, they were destined to be together, she knows that now and most importantly she believes that now. So no matter what she knows that someday her comet would come back to her.

 

“Always.”

 

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When you hit rock bottom, you...perhaps for the first time, begin to accept full responsibility for all the outcomes in your life. You see that blaming is futile, that complaining is dumb, and that making excuses is for the unenlightened. You realise it was you who created all the good and all the bad in your life. You dug the hole in which you’re trapped, and only you can dig yourself out of it in order to finally become whole.

 

You said you care, and you missed me too

And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you

And the coffee's out at the Beachwood Cafe

And it kills me 'cause I know we've ran out of things we can say

 

Chaeyoung was by her piano letting it all out, she remembers what Jisoo told her three years ago, write the hell out your heartbreak, and that’s what she was doing right now. Because at the end of the day Jisoo was right, she has to stop placing the blame on everybody else and start looking into her own actions, she needs to stop hiding and she needs to let everything out.

 

What am I now? What am I now?

What if I'm someone I don't want around?

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm fallin'

 

Maybe Jennie was right and she did propose out of insecurity back then, don’t get her wrong she did want to marry her, of course she did, but maybe what made her take that final step was seeing how the brunette seemed happy in LA, how she looked as if she was having the time of her life, all while the blonde was still in Riverfall getting her songs rejected watching everyone moving on from afar, she thought marrying Jennie was the right next step that if she had Jennie everything else wouldn’t matter.

 

But it did matter, because Jennie was right and they should’ve talked things out, did Jennie saying no hurt? Yes it did and a lot and moving on was the hardest thing she had to do, but she thinks maybe the brunette wasn’t the only one to blame in their fallout maybe Chaeyoung should’ve stayed and hear her out, but she didn’t because she was scared of finding out that she was just not enough.

 

What if I'm down? What if I'm out?

What if I'm someone you won't talk about?

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm fallin'

 

Chaeyoung also thinks about Hyeri, and accepts that Hyeri was right, when Jennie came back she had the inspiration to write again, when she came back everything started changing and the comfortable place Chaeyoung had found herself in was turned upside down and once again she took the wrong step out of fear of what was happening.

 

Now don’t get her wrong she loved Hyeri, she did. And she’s sure if the circumstances were different she would’ve married her, no questions asked. But how can you commit your life to someone where even you are still unsure of where you were at the moment, how can you commit to someone when your heart was somehow still holding on to someone else even if you didn’t know it yourself.

 

The gems mined in your darkest moments are what give you depth, courage, wisdom, and richness that can’t be learned elsewhere. Your ability to fly is in direct proportion to your willingness and courage to face your version of rock bottom.

 

It is with this mindset that Chaeyoung makes her way to the place where it all started, where it all ended. The bridge. And as per usual she sits crossed legged on the ground on the place where their locks were placed six years ago. Frowning she notices a different lock besides the ones that were already there.

 

She reaches out to take a closer look the lock and finds herself surprised at the warm feeling she get when she sees what’s written on it, because right there, in between Jennie’s black padlock and Chaeyoung’s pink padlock, was a brand new dark purple padlock with just one word written on it.

 

“Always.”

 

She reads the word out loud with a soft smile and sighs. And so she sits there quietly, observing the river river in front of her, listening to the quiet sounds of nightfall in a small town. Thinking about nothing and everything and for the first time in what seems like forever she finds herself feeling calm.

 

“New lock huh? Should I maybe get one for me and Jisoo?”

 

The silence is interrupted by Lisa who sat down next to Chaeyoung on the floor.

 

“I was on my way to pick up Mia from dance class, figured you’d be here.”

 

Chaeyoung nods and takes a deep breath. “I spoke to Hyeri today.”

 

“She’s here?”

 

“Nope. I called her, told her the songs were done and she had the freedom to record them as she wished, told her I was glad she was moving forward and that I was sorry for what I did.”

 

“I’m glad you apologized.”

 

“You were right… the darkness doesn’t have any answers.” Chaeyoung said after a blank. “I had started to feel myself becoming someone I didn’t really like and that was hard.” The blonde confessed.

 

Lisa places her arm around the blonde as she speaks. “You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is actually really healing and beautiful and poetic? It’s not. It’s just garbage and pain.” Lisa said and Chaeyoung can’t help but disagree a little because what is life and growth without a little pain, no matter how much it something good has to grow about of it.

 

“You know what’s better?” Lisa continued. “Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you are wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief… is not having it.”

 

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Having heavy conversations

About the furthest constellations of our souls

We're just trying to find some meaning

In the things that we believe in

 

Jennie was at her office talking to Somi on the phone, the girl had a lot of things she wanted to talk to about during her tour and Jennie was more than willing to listen.

 

“My mom used to say you can’t be scared of the music just because it going to end. So Somi just enjoy your time alright? I promise you there’ll be more tour for you and…”

 

She trails off as she sees Chaeyoung walk in to her office, her hands in her jean pockets and Jennie can’t help but feel that for the first time in a while her love looked at peace.

 

“Hey, Somi, I got to go, okay? Bye.”

 

She hangs up and leaves her phone on the desk as she stands up and walks around it, she the leans her back on it refusing to look at Chaeyoung but is prepared to deal with whatever comes next.

 

“I don’t hate you.” Said the blonde from where she was standing at the door, making the brunette to look up and at her, her heart feels with relief at seeing the honestly coming from those eyes she loves so much. “I remember the first time I ever saw you..’ Chaeyoung starts as she walks closer to stand in front of Jennie. “All skinny arms and… long black hair..” She said with a soft smile. “It was hard letting you go, Jennie. You know, it...it was hard losing you and…” She sighs and takes a deep breath. “It was hard seeing you again. And it’s… still… Really hard.”

 

Jennie feels her eyes feel with tears at the admision as she nods and mumbles out a soft “I know.” She then takes a deep breath to keep herself together. “While I’m asleep, I have this dream where… We’re back in that hotel room in LA, and you proposed to me. And every single time, I say yes.” She admits, because it was the truth, and because that was when one regret.

 

“It’s just a dream, right?”

 

“It’s my dream.”

 

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope

You won't find heart and soul in the stars

You can break everything down to chemicals

But you can't explain a love like ours

 

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There are more than 7 billions souls in this world and it’s said that you are meant to have a soulmate, a soulmate, one person to spend the rest of your life with hidden among 7 billion souls…

 

“You know what? You still make my heart race.” Irene said while laughing they were both in the pool and she was sitting by the pool steps while Seulgi was playing around with a water gun acting silly, but it was moments like this where she could see Seulgi’s childlike personality that made Irene’s heart shoot in the clouds.

 

“You do. I’m serious.” She said while gesturing for the other girl to come closer and once she did she took her hand and placed in on her chest, right above where her heart was. “Feel this.”

 

If Seulgi thought her smile couldn’t get any bigger well she was wrong, because right then and there she was feeling her wife’s heart beat a mile per second, hell her own heart did flips everytime Irene even glanced at her.

 

“And my heart is so full of pride and love and joy right now because of you and the mini you we are about to have.”

 

Seulgi place her other hand on Irene’s belly as she leaned forward to kiss her with everything she had, she would never get tired of this and she would thank the Gods every day for bringing this amazing human into her life.

 

7 billion people wondering around the world, looking for answers, for love, for happiness, some are lost and some are simply enjoying the ride...

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey. How did the talk go?”

 

“Good I think, they are both a little lost but I’m sure all Chaeyoungie needed was a little push towards the right direction.”

 

“Let’s hope… those two are the definition of destiny.”

 

Jisoo looked at Lisa with nothing but love in her eyes and she almost laughed at herself because the girl was doing absolutely nothing worth mentioning, She was laying on her couch and playing with her nintendo switch with a plate of french fries by her side, her phone was unlocked on the table and she could see a picture she had taken of Mia and Jisoo placed as her background, it was nothing worth mentioning but to Jisoo it meant everything. Because she had gotten so used to coming home to nothing, to waking up to nothing that the fact that she now had this angel with her just made her feel incredibly lucky and blessed.

 

“I love you, you know that?”

 

Lisa paused the game and looked up, the brunette very rarely said those words as she knew opening up was still hard for Jisoo, but unlike before she knew that Jisoo loved her because this time the girl showed her with her actions and like they said sometimes actions speak louder than words.

 

“I love you too.”

 

Jisoo sat down besides her to lay her head on the shoulder. “You can keep playing, I just want to be here with you.”

 

Lisa turned her head slightly to give a small kiss to Jisoo’s forehead. “Okay.”

 

“Hey, why don’t you go get Mia and we can get some take out and watch Disney movies… make a sleepover out of it.”

 

“I’m in.”

 

7 billion people in the world. 7 billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one…

 

“Hey it’s me. Look, I’m at the airport, and I’ve got two tickets to Las Vegas. Do you want to get married tonight?”