It's A Cruel World

It was a perfect morning. Taeyeon woke up fifteen minutes before six, all refreshed after 8 hours straight of dreamless sleep. She had been advised to add a fifteen to thirty minutes workout session to her daily routine so she did just that. The rooftop terrace that used to be Jiyong's private sanctuary was now a perfect workout sport for her too. It was still a little bit cold out here but winter was at its tail end and nearly two months long of therapy had unearthed a new strength in Taeyeon. Finished exactly at six twenty-five, Taeyeon swapped the video of low impact cardio with a call to her husband.

He picked up on the first ring.

"Wake up, you sleepyhead." She beamed at the image on the screen. Near or far, she loved waking him up. That morning face with the tousled hair was oddly the thing she missed the most from his look.

"Are you outside?' He covered his yawn with a hand, sitting on the bed with a pillow on his lap. "Isn't it still too cold?"

"I don't feel cold at all. I just worked out."

"Ah, yes, the therapist's suggestion." Jiyong raked a hand through his hair. He had his hair in pink these days, making him look even sweeter. "Don't you think you overdo it? You work out every day."

"I like the way it feels. I might even join a gym soon."

"I can't wait to see paper human Taeng turn into a muscled beauty." Jiyong teased. "My internship interview is postponed so I have nothing to do today."

"How about your papers?"

"I finished one last night. Up until two a.m. Three more to go."

"Oh, no. Sorry, I wake you up."

"I despise the idea of putting in so much writing for one simple master's degree." He yawned again. "It should be revolved around working experience not stringing words. Nothing on paper can help me deal with the constant pressure of managing my grandma's company. I need experience."

"You are stressing." Taeyeon pointed out in glee. A few years ago it had been her who was stressing so much about her day-to-day burden as a medical intern. "Can I use the words you used on me a long time ago?"

"Argh. The bitterness of my own pill." Jiyong flopped back on the bed, covering his face with the pillow.

"First. Stressing is not helping." Taeyeon grinned. "You said this to me when I was about to do my first adhesiolysis."

"Next is no need to overthink, just do it. A slogan you blatantly stole from a brand but it actually helped me through my intern exam. Kudos to that."

He groaned against the pillow. She chortled.

"Then there is this one; Just put one foot in front of another, repeat, and you'll get there."

"God, I was such a smart ."

"You were." She laughed now. "There are many more of your motivational wisdom but here's my favorite. No pressure, no diamond."

"No way. I didn't say that." He laid sideways, propping his head on one elbow.

"You did and I like it." Her fingers were itching to touch that smiling lips. Her soul longed for their closeness. "We're both kids of pressures. We didn't have it easy growing up. You have survived bigger stuff before. A few more papers surely won't hurt my baby that much."

"Hmmm. Say that again."

"A few more papers-"

"No." He smiled naughtily. "Say I'm your baby."

"My baby." She puckered her lips at him before cooing. "My whiny little baby."

"Taeyeon..." As a of seriousness slowly replaced his cute smile, Jiyong gazed at her. "Have you ever think of having a baby?"

"With you?"

"No. With a hippo in the zoo." His bottom lip stuck out. "Of course, with me. Are you crazy? You're mine now. You're not allowed to have anything with anyone else."

"You meant right now?" Taeyeon had never put much thought of it. She didn't think a talk over the phone is enough to discuss this life-changing decision too. "You want me to get pregnant with tiny whiny Jiyong now?"

"Someday in the near future, maybe." Jiyong's frown turned into a wistful look. "I want tiny little Taeyeons to order me around."

"Taeyeons? You want to have more than one?" Her teasing smile was a mean of stalling. She was not ready to actually answer the question. "How many are talking about?"

"I want three girls and two boys." He grinned. "We will have a house full of laughter."

Taeyeon couldn't help herself from looking away from the screen. Jiyong was clearly looking forward to that kind of future. She wasn't even sure if she wants a child in her life.

"Taeyeon?"

"Yeah." Noticing that the grin had started to change into a worried look, she tried to smile at him. "Five are a little too much, don't you think?"

"I'm willing to negotiate." Quirking his eyebrows, he grinned again. "Three is a good number too."

Taeyeon faked a laugh, praying that this is just another unfunny prank life's pulling on her. "Let's negotiate that number again when you come back."

"Agreed."

"I need to go to work. Call you later, babe." She blew him an air kiss.

"Good luck on your first day coming back, love." He returned the kiss in the cutest way possible but it did nothing to the new anxiety stirring in Taeyeon's heart.

The morning didn't feel so perfect anymore.

"Morning."

"Yuri!" Taeyeon nearly choked on the water drizzling from the showerhead. She was busy rinsing shampoo off her hair while thinking of Jiyong's sudden interest in parenthood when Yuri barged into the shower all ."What the are you doing in my shower?"

"Taking a shower." Yuri squeezed a dollop of clear bath gell onto her palm and rubbed her hands together. "Do you need help lathering your back?"

"What? No!" Taeyeon turned off the shower. "Get out! Use your own bathroom!"

"I can't. Jessica has been occupying it since an hour ago."

"Tell her to get out then." Taeyeon shook her head, turning the water back on. The both of them knew stuff doesn't work that way since Jessica arrived. It only took the ice princess a few days of her stay in this house to establish herself as the ruler of the first floor. The reigning queen of the main bathroom. The vain conquer of the remote control. Yuri accepted it and Taeyeon kind of went along with it too after her few meek protests fell on deaf ears.

"Yeah, right." Yuri rolled her eyes, soaping her hands before going for her stomach then her s. "Do you think my s get bigger lately?"

"Nope." Massaging her scalp, Taeyeon threw a quick glance. "Still look the same size they were in high school."

"Hey!" Yuri elbowed Taeyeon's on the rib. "I have outgrown my tennis balls era. They feel so sore lately and I don't know if it's because of my upcoming period or because my girlfriend loves squeezing them so much. Jessica is a s monster."

"Too much information, Kwon Yul." Taeyeon rinsed one last time before stepping out. "Too much- !"

"What?" Sudsing all over, Yuri turned her head at Taeyeon.

"I haven't gotten my period since Japan." Taeyeon cupped one hand over , literally feeling her soul leaving her body.

"He wants five. Not two. Not three. Five!"

"He was probably joking." They were at the hospital, in the most secluded bathroom they could find, crammed together in one stall. Yuri had a test pack in her white coat pocket, looming over Taeyeon who was sitting on the throne of the toilet. "Having five kids is so medieval."

"He's my husband. I know when he's being serious. He wants kids. Plural!"

"Let's deal with the one probably sitting in your uterus first. Come on, use it." Yuri tried to shove the test pack into Taeyeon's hands.

"I can't." Taeyeon kept her fingers shut.

"It's so simple. You just have to pee on it."

"I know how to use a ing test pack, damn it!" Taeyeon's nerves got the better of her. She was anxious beyond belief. She couldn't be pregnant. She didn't want to get pregnant. Not yet. Preferably not ever.

"Do you want me to run a blood panel instead?" Yuri stepped out of the stall and leaned on the washstand. "Whatever it is, you need to chill first."

"You chill," Taeyeon said dejectedly. "I'm not ready for a baby, Yuri. I can't have a baby. "

"You don't even know if it's positive yet."

"Nearly two months after Japan. Two ing months of no period. What else could it be?"

"Malnutrition? Cist? Cancer?"

"This is hardly a good time to joke around but yes, I think I'd rather have ovarian cancer right now."

Yuri sighed, staring at her distressed friend. They had known each other for too long. It was easy for her to spot the source of Taeyeon's illogical fear. The poor girl constantly saw herself as someone lacking.

"A baby can be a blessing, you know?" Yuri tried to reason with her.

"There are so many scientific articles I could cite to tear down that stupid hypothesis right now." Taeyeon rubbed her face. "Let's start with the one stated the long-term effect of maternal employment has their strongest manifestation in lower educational attainment for children. As a resident in the busiest hospital of this city, science said I couldn't be a perfect mother. I would end up neglecting him or her at some points of my career."

Knowing that Taeyeon probably had only read the article a few minutes ago as she drove her to work, Yuri took a deep breath. Overthinking and overanalyzing had always been Taeyeon's best friends. "The definition of perfect mother has too many spectrums for you to narrow it down into one failure."

"Let's talk health, then. You know how my usual iron level is. You know how often I skip meals and how late I sleep. I'm not build to be a mother and we're not even talking about my weak mentality yet. My anxiety. My recent PTSD. I. Can't. Be. A. Mother."

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