IF THIS WAS A PERFECTLY NORMAL DAY, Soojung would never have agreed to going out with Jongin and Eunhee. It’s only because of Eunhee’s persistence that she finally agreed to spending the day out with the both of them. To any onlooker, the three of them look like a happy family despite the visibility of youth on Soojung and Jongin’s faces. She pretends she doesn’t notice the frown on people’s faces following their smile upon seeing Eunhee, but she does. Somehow, it makes her feel as though everyone just sees her as wasted potential. 

The sun slips through the tree branches in the park and Eunhee is busy playing with the bubble gun she begged Jongin to buy a while ago. In front of them, laid out on a checkered picnic blanket, are an assortment of snacks Jongin had packed for them. Somehow, it feels like they’re a normal family. It makes Soojung’s chest swell with warmth, the kind of warmth she repressed before due to her adamance with shutting people that aren’t Eunhee, Sooyeon, or Taemin out.

From beside her, Jongin is watching Eunhee with a smile on his face. Just the sight of him looking at their daughter like that only takes Soojung back through years of decision-making that weren’t right. It was never her place to make the decision of hiding Eunhee from Jongin, especially when she knows that he would be a great dad anyway. It wasn’t up to her to decide whether he should become an idol, or become a father. Coming to terms with all of that creates havoc that twists up Soojung’s insides with guilt, but she made a mistake and she knows that she must own up to it. 

“You never change, Soojung.” It’s not Jongin’s voice that rattles her out of her thoughts, but rather, the words themselves. 

“Pardon?” Her head tilts almost automatically, eyebrows furrowing while her gaze is fixed on him. 

“The way you look when you think. It’s the same way you look back when we were still dating in high school. You would stare at something and forget the rest of the world exists while you process whatever’s going on in your head.” 

Soojung doesn’t know if he’d forgotten, or if he’s just omitting, but it’s always him who could point out whenever she’s drifting off to someplace else inside her head. It’s like it’s the most normal thing for him to notice, even if the people around them fail to do so. 

“I wouldn’t say I never change, but I guess some things stay the same.” It’s the easiest thing to say. Right now, Soojung would rather have an easy and safe conversation instead of going back through time in their memories. 

Hanging out with Jongin in the park with their daughter while talking about mundane things is something she could handle, because he’d still be at arm’s length. Talking to him about the memories of them prior to their unexpected reunion after seven years is something else entirely. Soojung is not sure if she’s ready for that. 

Instead of answering him, she chooses to defect.

“How’s spending time with Eunhee?” She asks him. The topic of Eunhee seems to be her blanket of safety now when it comes to interactions with Jongin. Eunhee is the present. The very person they’re both supposed to prioritize over their feelings. Soojung just reinstates that. 

“It still feels surreal to me that I have a daughter.” There’s a pause before Jongin continues. It makes Soojung feel guilty. “But I love spending all the time I could with her. It feels like there’s so much for me to catch up on and I just… want to grab that opportunity every time she’s with me.” 

Desperately, Soojung wants to place her hand over Jongin’s. She wants to enclose the remaining space between them and tell him that she would never place him in a position where he couldn’t choose what to do for himself. It’s like every single inch of her wants to console him in spite of her actions being the main cause of Jongin’s yearning. 

In a desperate attempt of her trying to do something good, she only ended up doing more harm than good. Soojung doesn’t remember a day where she didn’t regret this. She should have known better than to shoulder all this by herself.

She finds herself at loss for words when she stares at him so Soojung just settles for placing her hand right next to his, their fingers close enough to touch. 

If Jongin still knows her as much as she thinks he does, he’d know what she means.