SOOJUNG DOESN’T TREMBLE. She feels nervous every once in a while, yes, but she has never trembled before in her life. Even when she found out that she’s pregnant with Eunhee, she never trembled, just cried herself to sleep and decided that she needs to toughen up. Tonight, though, is history in the making as she finds her hands shaking just outside the cafe she told Jongin to go to. The weight of the doorknob suddenly feels so heavy even without touching, the window peeking into the cafe turns opaque in her eyes, and the sun – though it’s about set anyway – feels like it didn’t rise in ages. 

If she’s going to turn around, now would be the time while she’s not yet in front of her ex-boyfriend – who’s also her baby daddy (but he doesn’t even know it). Turning around would only take just one three swift movements: step back, turn around, and walk away. She could have done it now if she doesn’t feel the least bit glued to the place, and even more guilty for keeping a secret from Jongin through all those years. 

Surprisingly enough, pushing the door open doesn’t seem heavy at all to her. She doesn’t know if she’s overexaggerating the way she feels a while ago, or if she’s completely ready to tell Jongin the truth and deal with the aftermath of things instead of running away. Trying to understand herself in the moment feels like rocket surgery, but she takes the leap of faith anyway without bothering to understand her feelings further.  

Jongin looks anxious. It’s the first thing Soojung sees on his face, and the next thing she knows, he’s covering it all up with a smile. She knows him though – knows him well enough to see that he feels just as anxious as he was before she arrived, if not more. 

“Hey you,” Her greeting is safe, completely free of any indication that she’s about to drop a huge bomb on him.

“Soojung,” She couldn’t help but to see the smile on his face that he used to give her back in high school, and maybe it fixes her heart for a moment until she remembers that she’s about to break his. 

“I’ve heard about your injury,” Soojung begins, though she supposes that it’s not the best starter to a conversation with an ex she hasn’t seen in years. 

His face doesn’t fall, he just sighs and answers her like talking about a life-changing injury is nothing at all to him (or maybe he just actually has his together unlike Soojung). “There’s not much I can do about it, really. It kind of just happened and there’s nothing else I could do but to cope with it. I’m fine, though. I like teaching little kids, they kind of make me feel at ease and less stressed about what could have beens.” 

Soojung has never suffocated, never attempted to suffocate herself in any form as well, but tonight feels extremely suffocating and heavy as it goes on. Hearing Jongin talk about his life and how he patched things up after that injury makes her feel like a monster just because she selfishly kept Eunhee from him for years. 

She doesn’t know how she’s going to break it to him. Will she just drop the bomb all of the sudden? Is she going to do it slowly until it just dawns on him that he is a father? Or is she going to walk away and pretend that Eunhee is not his and keep the secret with her to the grave? Soojung doesn’t know, and she feels like she’s floating, dizzy and weightless in a completely horrible way. 

“What about you? How have you been? It’s been so long since we last talked.” There’s an uncomfortable sense that leaves things hanging in his words. She knows that he’s thinking about Soojung’s abrupt disappearance from the world. Her sudden invisibility from social media, the switch in phone numbers, and moving from Sooyeon’s place back to her parents all the way to the countryside. 

There’s a guilt-festival happening at the pit of her stomach and Soojung is not happy about it. 

“It’s been alright. Just keeping me and Eunhee okay and afloat, nothing new.” The awkward laugh that rises from is so very obvious and she feels herself going into the deep hole of panic inside her head that she doesn’t notice two mugs being placed in front of her and Jongin. 

“I ordered for you, by the way.” Jongin smiles at her, and it surprises her a bit that his smile can still take her away from her worries even for just a single moment. “I hope it’s still your favorite.” He slides the mug in front of her and she inhales. It astounds her further that he still remembers her favorite coffee order after all these years. 

“How…?” She couldn’t even complete her sentence because she’s not sure herself if she wants to hear it, or not. After all, hearing it would make her succumb to years and years of missing him. 

Jongin only shrugs and gives her a sheepish smile. “I guess that’s what happens when you kind of leave a lasting impression on a person.” 

Deciphering the meaning of his message is quite a hard feat for Soojung. The smile on his face is completely void of anything that resembles bad blood or anger, which leaves Soojung even more confused than she had been. 

It leaves her thinking if Jongin really had not changed throughout the years. 

“What exactly do you mean by that?” She asks, because Soojung couldn’t bear thinking about things that would inevitably bother her for the rest of time. 

Jongin laughs and it’s still one of the best sounds she’d ever heard. “Don’t think too much about it, Jung. It just means I loved you that much.” 

If words are living things (though Soojung likes to think they are because they hurt more than inanimate objects), then maybe all of the words residing inside her are currently running away in fear of realizing all the could have beens. She finds herself staring at Jongin, dumbfounded at what he just said. He’s never been gentle in such a public place like this, nor had he been straightforward like this. He’d only been gentle with her during their most intimate moments, and he’d only been really straightforward when everything’s turned into a more serious note. 

I loved you that much too, Soojung wants to say, but she keeps shut in fear of opening already closed wounds. “That’s not what I expected from you.” She just laughs it off instead. 

“So, why’d you decide to meet me after all these years?” His chin is on his hand and Soojung notices that he’s moved a few inches towards her which makes her want to put up all her walls. 

Not today, though. Definitely not today. She has to be open, completely open. 

“Jongin, there’s something I have to tell you.” She begins it like this because there’s no other way (in her head) where she could drop the bomb on him gently other than this. Soojung has never been to battle before — just a few screaming matches with other girls from her high school where Taemin and Jongin both have to physically take her away from them — but right now feels like she’s going to face a hundred soldiers all by herself. 

“I guess by telling you this, I’d have to take us back through years and years of history but that’s the best way to start this whole thing.” She inhales deeply, bracing herself before everything goes completely downhill. “Remember when we broke up? Well, not really a break up because I just… ghosted you and never talked to you again.” 

“Yeah I remember that clearly. One night we were being us in front of your house and the next day you disappeared completely. I asked Taemin if he knew where you are but he wouldn’t say anything, just kept on telling me he doesn’t know even though I know that he knows. I followed your sister around like a lost puppy, asking where can I find you but she told me she doesn’t know where you are either.” Jongin exhales like he’s been wanting to tell her all of this for so long. “That’s when I figured that maybe you didn’t want to see me anymore because I know you and I know that you can never keep a secret from Sooyeon or Taemin.”

AMONG TAEMIN AND SOOYEON, IT’S SOOJUNG’S BEST FRIEND WHO FINDS OUT FIRST INSTEAD OF HER SISTER. It’s the time when Taemin insisted that he sleep over at Sooyeon’s place after being forcefully evicted by s in their dorm room for not cleaning. Soojung decides to make him sleep on the couch instead of the floor on her bedroom where he usually sleeps whenever he’s over. 

“Okay but what’s wrong with me sleeping in your bedroom? I’ve done it a thousand times and I’ve even slept on the floor of your bedroom with Jongin around.” Taemin sounds like a little kid whose candy had been taken away. 

Pregnancy means mood swings and uncontrollable food cravings. At that point in time, Soojung is already pregnant for a month and a half, but she’s still hiding. The moment Taemin started complaining, anger already boiled up and before she realizes it, she’d already started yelling at Taemin. 

  Taemin looks like a puppy that got yelled at, but Soojung didn’t quite apologize, nor did she care until she wanted some fishcakes. She’s not sure if Taemin noticed, but her mood quickly changed the moment she started to crave. It takes her about twenty minutes of begging before Taemin finally agreed to accompany her to the nearest food stall just to buy her fishcakes. 

“You still never told me why you wouldn’t let me sleep in your room,” Taemin says through a mouthful of fishcakes. 

“Because I don’t want to okay.” She doesn’t snap, but the look on her face is a cross between her resting face and a glare.  “Just… stop pestering me about it.” 

He didn’t ask her anymore, and Soojung avoided all possibilities of him finding the single stick of pregnancy test that she left on her nightstand — just to make sure that she doesn’t forget what’s happening. 

They return to Sooyeon’s apartment (Sooyeon’s still not around, and Soojung doesn’t know why) with a bunch of fishcakes in a plastic bag. 

Soojung makes Taemin watch a horror film with her and she doesn’t flinch, doesn’t even scream at one of the scariest parts which, she reckons, made Taemin wonder if she’s even being herself at all. She’s always screamed at every horror film, always held on to his arm whenever they’re watching something of the like, and always hid behind him whenever things get a little too much. 

Still, Taemin doesn’t prod. She’s never really thanked him for that. 

Several fishcakes had been consumed before morning and Soojung and Taemin are both asleep in front of the television with a rom-com playing as white noise. It’s quite peaceful. The morning light shines through the panels of Sooyeon’s apartment while Soojung and Taemin are both huddled up against each other (it’s because Soojung forgot to turn the heater on). It looks like a scene taken directly from one of those cheesy teen romance movies Soojung used to like when she’d been in sixth grade. 

Morning sickness inevitably catches up to Soojung as she rushes to the bathroom and throws up all of last night’s snacks and dinner. It’s the law of the land to have Taemin wherever Soojung is, and this morning is not an exception to that. Before Soojung could even realize it, Taemin’s already holding up her hair and rubbing circles against her shoulder with his thumb.

“Are you okay, Soojungie?” His voice is lower and huskier than usual. Soojung would have about sounding like he has tonsilitis, if it weren’t for the fact that she already managed to lose all of her dinner and all the fishcakes they bought. 

There’s no energy anywhere for Soojung to take from. She feels all of herself drained and completely irrelevant while struggling completely. The pregnancy, despite her decision to keep the baby, is already taking its toll on her. Instead of answering Taemin with actual words, she just shook her head. 

“You want to tell me what happened?” His gentleness doesn’t faze her anymore, but it does scare her that she’s inches away from actually telling someone that she’s pregnant. 

The bathroom wall is cold and so is the floor, yet Soojung feels so numb. She doesn’t know if pregnant women are allowed to sit on cold surfaces, so she just makes a mental note to google it later and apologizes to her baby in advance. Even then, she still doesn’t feel a thing. She doesn’t feel the grossness that sticks after every time she throws up, and she doesn’t feel scratchy feeling in . There’s simply nothing. 

Soojung chalks it up to mood swings, despite knowing full well that it’s not. 

“You ready to raise a child with me?” It’s a badly-delivered joke, Soojung knows that, but she doesn’t really know how else to break it to Taemin other than this… completely ty joke. 

His eyes widen and Soojung catches him almost stepping back, but he stays and approaches her instead. “You’re pregnant with Jongin’s kid, are you?” 

It’s the first time Taemin has seen Soojung cry in years. 

“I’M SORRY,” There really is a lack of words to say. Soojung doesn’t know what to tell him other than to apologize for dropping off the face of the Earth when she really shouldn’t have. “There’s just too much happening that I couldn’t… I couldn’t involve you in that, not without ruining your dreams.” 

He looks at her, confused. Guilt already eats Soojung up like she’s a piece of forgotten crumb on the floor, being dominated by hungry ants. 

“Jongin I…” She couldn’t breathe, she doesn’t know if it’s her chest acting up or if it’s her head telling her that she deserves this punishment for not being a good girlfriend to him in the past. “It’s Eunhee.” She breathes out. 

There’s silence, and she looks at Jongin’s face and it looks like he’s still confused. 

“Jongin, you’re Eunhee’s dad.” It feels like the constriction on had disappeared, yet there’s a huge weight added to her chest. 

He looks like the world had fallen on his shoulders and that all the years of grief that Soojung went through is now catching up to him instantaneously. 

“And you didn’t even care to tell me?” His voice is small, so small that she feels so horrible. 

Tears stream down Soojung’s face the moment she decides to answer his question, “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to stop chasing after your dreams, or feel like we ed up while you’re already so close to doing what you’re meant to do.” 

“You didn’t think I can do both?” His words hurt, just as they should. 

“I’m sorry. I was thinking that maybe having me out of your life with our child would be better for your career. I can’t imagine what would happen if the media had gotten hold of a secret family you have. It would have ruined you, and Eunhee.” 

“So you’re saying you don’t trust me well enough to keep it a secret?” 

“I’m just saying that it would be hard raising a child who can’t even call her dad in public without raising suspicions.” 

There's a heavy silence in the air and Soojung is holding back sobs in order to not attract attention. Jongin’s staring into empty space, like his thoughts kidnapped him and forced him to stay there, to reflect heavily on what’s been said. There’s a huge weight of responsibility that falls over Soojung’s shoulders because after this implies that she actually tells Eunhee that her father is Jongin, and she has to bridge the two together. 

It’s time she has to repent for what she’s done. 

“I’ll… I’ll drive you home.” Jongin tells her, and he walks out of the coffee shop with Soojung following closely behind.