WHENEVER SOOYEON ARRIVES BACK FROM THE STATES , she visits Soojung’s apartment and stays there until she’d get bored of the company of her little sister. Sooyeon had only been in the apartment for exactly an hour and half when she declared to Soojung that it’s incredibly boring having to sit on her little sister’s couch and only talk about work and the mundane things. That talking about Blanc and Eclare and Sooyeon’s love life is getting boring.

There’s a glimmer in Sooyeon’s eyes and a smirk on the corner of her lips that makes Soojung inhale sharply. She knows that look and no amount of mental preparation could save her from the interrogation that will soon follow. 

She just hopes that Sooyeon will finish early, or get bored of the eventual deflection that Soojung will use as self defense.

“So tell me what happened with your love life while I was gallivanting in the US?” There it is, Soojung thinks. Sooyeon’s grinning like the Cheshire Cat, much to the dismay of Soojung. 

“Who even says gallivanting anymore?” 

“I do. Now answer me.” 

“And if I don’t?”

“You will. ”

The attempt at changing the topic does not work as per usual. There’s a reason why it’s Sooyeon who always wins in staring contests, or the one who always holds out the longest when she’s trying to trick their parents into buying ice cream for the two of them. She’s incredibly persistent and determined that it’s hard to shake it off. 

Sometimes the determination rubs off on Soojung. It’s the reason why she managed to graduate college with a considerably less amount of breakdowns than she initially thought she would have. Having an older sister who could work as a motivational speaker who pressures you until oblivion has its perks too. 

“Look, Sooyeon, there’s not much to tell you about. What you’re asking for is pretty much nonexistent!” Her voice does not raise, even though it almost felt like it would. She couldn’t be mad at Sooyeon, not even if she tried. There’s something endearing in the way her older sister still checks on her despite the business and the amount of times Sooyeon had to watch her up. 

Soojung watches as her sister stares at her and clicks her tongue. Surely Sooyeon can’t think that there’s something happening with her, right? When there’s barely even anything. All Soojung has done lately is to try to get her life used to sharing her daughter with his father (which is not a bad thing at all, don’t get her wrong. It’s just something she’s not used to), as well as trying to find a semblance of a personal life that does not involve her work in her sister’s company or taking care of her seven year old daughter. 

Much to her dismay, Sooyeon continues staring, and it takes all of Soojung’s willpower not to shake her sister’s shoulders out of frustration. 

“Why are you staring?” It feels like their younger days, when they would sit in front of the television and Sooyeon would place her feet on Soojung’s lap. Out of annoyance, Soojung would ask her older sister why, in the very same tone that she’s using now. 

The years went by too fast. Times like these, their youth seems to have disappeared into the plethora of experiences and lessons that life throws at them. It’s almost as if growing up in their childhood home in the suburbs of Seoul — away from the bustling city — happened in a different lifetime. One that she could remember, but it feels like a daydream instead of something she actually experienced. 

Maybe it’s the sudden pregnancy that makes her feel this way. It forced herself to grow up, to take on a much larger role than just being the youngest daughter in the family, or the glue between a friendship group. She has to be the foundation of a home for little Eunhee. In order for one to be able to do that, they must have to make sacrifices. For Soojung, that sacrifice would be her youth. 

However many sacrifices she had to make though, she never regretted any of it. And she never will. It doesn’t matter if she didn’t experience the same things as normal people her age have. These sacrifices she made for Eunhee are all worth it. 

If there’s anything she regrets; then it’s her decision not to tell Jongin. It’s the worst decision she’d ever made, and the dumbest one too. But at least she’d done her part and admitted to her mistakes. 

“I’m staring because even if it’s been years since you last had a proper interaction with a boy that does not involve you sabotaging yourself, you’re still completely oblivious.” Sooyeon finally breaks the silence. 

“Excuse me?” 

“You wouldn’t know about a love life even if it stared at you right in the goddamn face — and trust me Soojung, it already did.” 

Try as Soojung might to understand the context of Sooyeon’s words, she really couldn’t. 

Sooyeon laughs and pats her shoulders.

“I really don’t get it.” Soojung tilts her head, her eyebrows narrowing as she looks at her sister. It’s like asking for a secret from someone who loves knowing what’s up with everyone around her. 

“Of course you wouldn’t.” Sooyeon rolls her eyes, “Well now that Jongin is back in your life, what happens to you and Taemin?”

Taemin? Soojung thinks. What about Taemin?  

As if Sooyeon had read her mind, she adds: “I mean… don’t tell me you don’t know…” 

Frankly, that’s not helping at all. Although Soojung couldn’t imagine her sister knowing something about Taemin that she doesn’t know, it feels that way at the moment. But Taemin had never talked to Sooyeon like that, or at least that’s what she thinks. 

The idea of Sooyeon knowing something about her best friend that she does not is an idea that she couldn’t quite wrap her head around. Is she a bad friend? Or is this what happens when she allows herself to be eaten up and swallowed whole by all her responsibilities? 

“What don’t I know, Sooyeon?” She asks her sister, her voice shaking though she doesn’t really know why. 

“Answer the question first, Soojung.” 

If this were any other day, she would have thrown a pillow straight to Sooyeon’s face in playful annoyance. But this is not an ordinary day, and it’s no ordinary conversation. 

“He’ll still be my best friend no matter what.” The answer sounds far more sure than she ever is. 

Before this day, there had been no doubts in Soojung’s head, whatsoever. But the way Sooyeon implied a change in their relationship seems a bit too convincing for her liking. 

Would things really change between the two of them? 

“Alright. I see.” Sooyeon answers after a beat too long, and drums her fingers on the couch cushion. 

Soojung feels like she’s being interrogated. 

“Why do you even have to ask?” 

“Because I’m curious about your life. I needed to know what’s up. Anyways, how are things between you and Jongin? How’s he holding up with having to take care of Eunhee and all those arrangements you two made?” The tone of Sooyeon’s voice changes, almost like she didn’t just ask Soojung a nerve-wracking question a while ago. 

Answering the question seems a bit too far out of Soojung’s reach. Her head is spinning all by itself, scrambling to gather whatever answer she could give Sooyeon that does not involve her sister asking more serious questions. 

“It’s fine. I mean… he seems like he’d make a great father.” It’s the most honest and condensed answer that she could give Sooyeon at the moment. She’s playing it safe — not wanting to hear anymore of her sister’s cryptic responses. 

“And how is Eunhee taking all of it?” 

The question would have made Soojung laugh if she isn’t so busy trying to decipher the hidden meanings behind this conversation. 

“Eunhee adores him. Every single day she goes home to my apartment after being over at his and she would only ever say praises towards him. She always talks about how cool her dad is and how he makes her stay up until ten in the evening.” 

Soojung remembers the other week when Eunhee arrived and told her all about her father’s playstation, and how she wanted Soojung to buy her one for herself too so she could play the games she played with her dad when she’s staying at Soojung’s. Of course practicality comes into play and Soojung had to say no. 

What surprised her is when Eunhee said maybe they should just share one house so Eunhee would be able to spend her time with the playstation without being away from her mother. Soojung didn’t know what to think. She appreciates that her daughter didn’t want to spend time away from her, but the idea of moving in with Jongin made her stop in her tracks. 

It’s a possibility that just never really crossed her mind. 

“Sounds like she already has a favorite parent already.” Sooyeon pokes her side. 

“Shut up. She’s only known him for like two months. I’m her favorite.” She playfully swats her sister’s hand away — but even then, there’s the looming thought at the back of her head telling her that there’s something more to this conversation. 

Instead of waiting for Sooyeon to bring it up again, Soojung finally takes matters into her own hands. 

“Okay but why did you ask me about where Taemin would fit into my life? Did you really forget that all three of us were friends before?” Maybe it comes out more hurt than expected, but what else did Sooyeon expect? 

“What do you take me for? Of course I know you three are friends. But that’s the thing, Soojung, relationships change. Just like how you change over the years. It doesn’t have to be drastic — sometimes people change little by little — but they still do. Your friendship with both Jongin and Taemin is not immune to that.” There’s a finality in Sooyeon’s voice that scares Soojung. 

Predictable. She thinks of her fear. She’s never really one to adjust well with changes. 

“I still don’t understand, Sooyeon. What are you implying?” 

“You’ll have to choose one of them eventually.” 

The bucket of ice is metaphorically poured over Soojung’s head. Maybe she shouldn’t have asked, maybe she should have just kept shut and allowed Sooyeon to make assumptions by herself. Maybe she should have done something that wouldn’t lead to this. Anything except having this conversation. 

Silence takes up most of the room and Sooyeon takes it as a hint to stand up from the couch, stretch her legs, and leave Soojung’s apartment. The silence becomes more imposing when she realizes that Eunhee isn’t here and she’s spending tonight at Jongin’s and wouldn’t come home until Sunday. 

It feels empty, but Soojung is no stranger to empty. After all, the feeling still comes over her even after she’d given birth to Eunhee. It dawns on her sometimes in the middle of the night when she’s working on office requirements, finishing guest lists and personal invites to send for Jessica’s brand. It creeps up on her when she’s soaking in the bath all by herself, wondering just when did everything start to change. 

Soojung glances at the clock. 11:45pm. For someone who used to be a night owl, it would have been early in her books still. But Soojung has changed and now favors sleep above all. So when she crawls into the sheets and finds that she is unable to keep her eyes shut for more than a few seconds, she impulsively presses the call button on Taemin’s contact. 

“Jesus Christ, Jungie. What are you calling me at eleven in the evening for?” His voice is groggy, like he’d just woken up. Soojung feels a bit guilty, but when is she ever not guilty anyway? 

“I couldn’t sleep.” The response sounds more fragile than she intended it to be. 

“What’s wrong?” Soojung could hear the sheets ruffling from Taemin’s end. She assumes that he sat up, or repositioned himself to a more comfortable position on the bed. 

“Nothing’s really wrong… It’s just hard to sleep tonight, I guess.” 

“Still not used to Eunhee not being around?” 

“Definitely not.” Soojung sighs, “It’s always been me and her — and then you and Sooyeon as an extension. I’ve never really had to share her with anyone else before.” 

Taemin laughs, “Do I need to come over to keep you company?” 

“No need!” It sounds so forceful that she immediately feels her cheeks heating up in embarrassment. She didn’t mean for it to come out that way. “I mean… I don’t really want to disturb you. It’s fine if we just talk like this.” 

“Stay on the line then. Noted.” She could hear him smiling, and she smiles too. What Soojung appreciates the most about Taemin is his ability to keep everything simple. How it’s never complicated with him around. 

“Do you remember high school vividly?” Soojung asks him when all she could hear is the sound of their own breathing. 

“Not as vivid as I’d like to… but I can recall it very well, yes. You were always the quiet one. You never really said anything unless it’s important, or you were agitated.” 

“I got a lot of for my resting face too. It’s not my fault I was born with this face.” There had been one too many times where people had called her a straight to her face. Some had even dared to bring Taemin into the picture by saying that someone as y as her didn’t deserve to hang out with him.

Sometimes, Soojung allowed the comments to get to her. But most of the time, she’d been so sure of herself that she didn’t need anyone else’s opinion on her and her friendships. She learned to trust herself that way — it wasn’t hard per se, but it also took a lot of willpower and self assurance for her to get to that. 

The thing with learning how to be so sure of yourself at such an early age is that you would think that there is no room for any mistakes. That’s exactly what happened to Soojung. She craved independence so much and longed for fixing and handling everything by herself that it bordered into selfishness. 

Soojung thought she needed no one, and it’s ironic that she’s talking to Taemin about a time where she’s so painfully stubborn because she needed someone to talk to at the moment. 

“They’re clearly missing out on the things to notice about your face. I mean… have they seen you smile? You look like the Cheshire Cat and not in the fun way.” He teases, which makes Soojung feel immense relief. 

There’s relief and comfort in Taemin’s teasing that reminds Soojung that he’s there, and that he never really left even if she’d made one too many mistakes. 

“Shut up, Taemin. You know a lot of people liked my smile.” 

“Yeah. Especially when you were in college. I had to constantly tow you away from admirers.” 

College wasn’t that far away at a time when Soojung would forget all about it, but it’s not monumental either. College is filled with struggling. Managing her coursework, taking care of Eunhee, reminding herself to be grateful to Sooyeon who did it all for her, trying her best not to think about Jongin, and becoming the biggest annoyance in Taemin’s life. 

Despite that, she still wouldn’t trade it for the world. It’s a time when Soojung learned how to deal with the consequences of her own mistakes. High school is a time in her life that she wished lasted longer, whereas college taught her far more valuable things than she imagined. 

“You say that like I had a lot.” She counters with a laugh. 

“Oh, but you did have a lot. Do you remember Myungsoo? He was quite smitten with you.” 

“You’re pulling these things out of your .” 

“God, you’re so oblivious.” 

They talk for hours until she falls asleep to the sound of Taemin’s voice and words that she doesn’t quite understand.