SAYING THAT EUNHEE IS EXCITED IS A COMPLETE UNDERSTATEMENT. The seven-year-old had been buzzing with excitement the moment Soojung drops her off in the dance studio on a Saturday morning. The studio is filled with dancers of all ages, some of them probably being the same age as Soojung. For a moment, she wonders what if she went on to train with Taemin in the same company, but she brushes the fleeting thought off her mind. Right now, her only priority is Eunhee.

    The room Eunhee’s assigned to is already filled with other kids by the time she drops Eunhee off by the front door, a woman inside the studio who goes by the name of Victoria tells her that the kids’ lesson should be starting in a few minutes, all they’d have to do is to wait for the other teacher.

    “Eunhee, I’m going to leave you here now, alright?” She kneels in front of her daughter, fixing the little girl’s hair, and shirt.

    “But Mommy, what if I don’t make enough friends?” Eunhee asks, and it’s making Soojung’s heart hurt by seeing her daughter this anxious.

    “Eunhee, you’ll do great. I promise you. If any of these kids don’t like you, just tell me, okay?” She smiles at Eunhee, hoping to alleviate the little girl’s worries.

    “If they don’t, can we call Uncle Taemin and make him beat them up?”

    Soojung almost chokes on her saliva.

    “D-did Taemin tell you to do that?”

    Eunhee nods.

    All Soojung could do is give an exasperated sigh before explaining things to Eunhee. “Eunhee, your Uncle Taemin is a grown man, he’s not allowed to beat up these kids, and beating people up is bad. They usually send people to the police station for doing so.”

    “But it’s Uncle Taemin, the police would only want his autograph and send him off.” Eunhee responds with a grin on her face. Soojung could only wish for Eunhee to stay this young and innocent forever.

    “Baby, that’s not how things work, okay? Usually we solve things by talking it out, and if we can’t talk it out, we just gently remove ourselves from the situation. Do you understand?” She delivers in a stern tone, but not intimidating nor completely lacking in sympathy. Anyone who knows Soojung definitely knows that she the farthest person from becoming soft, but all of that goes down the drain for Eunhee.

    “So if they don’t like me, I talk to them, and if nothing happens I just leave?” Confusion is laced all over her daughter’s features and Soojung tries to remember herself in a similar situation, and what else could she have done differently from her mom’s to make things more effective.

    “Or ignore them and pretend they don’t exist.” Soojung shrugs. It’s not the best advice to a seven-year-old, but sue her, she’s still young and figuring things out too.

    “Alright, mommy. Now can you leave? I think they’re already staring at me because I’m talking to you for too long.” Eunhee pouts, and Soojung gives her daughter one last kiss on the forehead before exiting the building.

    She’d have greeted the other instructor if she has the time, but frankly she has some errands to do for Sooyeon today, and she has to reprimand Taemin for teaching her daughter about beating people up.

\

VIVIDLY, SOOJUNG REMEMBERS THE TIME when she first found out that she’s pregnant with Eunhee. Soojung had only been eighteen for a month then, only had a month’s taste of legality, just a few months away from becoming a college student. At the time, Sooyeon had been praising her sister for doing so well in school and for causing very little trouble to their parents and Sooyeon who’d only started working on a small-time fashion brand. Taemin is already taking over the rest of Korea by being a member of Shinee (and arguably one of the most popular members among the ladies), and her boyfriend, well he had been a trainee in SM at the time.

    She finds out in a cubicle in her sister’s apartment when Sooyeon went out to gather some groceries. She remembers rushing to the nearest pharmacy to purchase four more pregnancy tests just to make sure that she’s not being joked by the single stick she had taken.

    The pregnancy tests though, all of them come back as positive. There had been four sticks too many and she knows she’s already taken enough time in the bathroom to guarantee herself that Sooyeon would be back anytime soon. She has no time to cry, not when she’s supposed to hide all those packets and sticks.

    She’d only wiped a single tear from her cheek as she places all of the trash into a separate garbage bag, and throws everything except for a single stick into a random garbage bin outside Sooyeon’s building. The single stick of pregnancy test is stashed away in the smallest pocket of her backpack, awaiting for her to only take it out to have her boyfriend see it.

    There are no tears on that day. Just thoughts about what she should do, and what would her life turn out to be if she chooses to get rid of the baby, or if she decides to keep the baby. She’s out of it the entire day she even misses it when Sooyeon asks her if she’s okay, and when Taemin calls to tell her he’s going to visit her and Sooyeon.

    None of them know what’s wrong, and none of the actually noticed. Taemin had been too tired to observe Soojung fully, and Sooyeon’s face has been in front of her laptop the entire time. For both of them, there would be no time at all to notice what’s wrong with her unless they take the time to. Soojung is honestly so grateful for that.

    She tells her boyfriend, Jongin, to come sit with her on a curb outside her house. He lives a couple of streets away and it only takes him twenty minutes at most to reach the front of her house. Her hands are trembling, and she doesn’t really know how to initiate a conversation that could easily break the both of them.

    Jongin looks undeniably beautiful under the orange flickering streetlight. It takes her a few seconds to realize how she’s never seen him look this serene and well… happy. The way his lips curve into a small smile, and the way his eyes would light up as he looks at the stars, they all make Soojung weak and completely breathless.

    “You’re smiling,” She tells him, looking at his face with curiosity and nervousness.

    “It’s just… one of the directors told me I could debut with the next group if I work just as hard as I am working today.” He looks so happy that Soojung hides her shaking hands in the pockets of her sweatshirt, and smiles back at him.

    “I’m happy for you, Jongin. I really am.” She takes a deep breath and pretends that nothing is wrong. She couldn’t find it in herself to tell Jongin, not when he’s about to live his dream.

    “Thank you, Soojung.” The smile on his face breaks her rib cage. Him laying his head on her shoulder breaks her heart.

    They sit there in complete silence for a few minutes. Her thoughts are running in her head, completely clueless and panicking about what she’s going to do next. If Soojung tells him, she knows right away that he would drop everything just to help her support the child if she decides to keep the baby. She couldn’t do that to him - couldn’t ruin his dreams just because of a mistake. She knows it’s stupid to not make him responsible for a child they both made, but she doesn’t want to hold him back too.

    Soojung decides right then and there, that she doesn’t want him to know. Whatever her decision is, he doesn’t have to know.

    She only realizes she’s already crying when Jongin wipes a tear from her cheek.

    “Soojung-ie, what’s wrong?” He asks, his face dropping into a frown.

    The guilt builds up inside her gut, and she wants it to go away, to strip itself away from her body and let her live this down on her own. This is the most selfish, and selfless that she can get.

    “Nothing, Jongin. I’m just so tired.” She lies through her teeth so effortlessly that it scares her how things could change her in an instant.

    “I’m here for you, okay? I’m never going to leave your side.” He kisses her forehead, and she feels so sorry that she’s already lying to him about everything from this point on.

    Many people call Soojung an ice queen for her tough exterior and her straightforward comments that would always sound y and insulting despite it not being the intention. Many people assume she is a straight-up who does not care for other people’s feelings. A stereotypical mean girl, if you wish. But right here, in Jongin’s arms, is the only time she has ever felt like a bad person.

    “I love you, Jongin.” She tells him right before they kiss under the warm glow of the streetlight.

    It’s the last she time ever kisses him, and the last time she ever talks to him.

\

TAEMIN FINDS HER IN THE MIDDLE OF HER WORK. Soojung had been busy typing a few things to add to the creative catalogue that should be out next month when her best friend makes quite the noisy entrance into her office. On any other day, she would have greeted him with an equally annoying remark, but today is just not her day.

    Every single day that Soojung is reminded of her previous decisions, she feels the need to overwork herself just to make herself feel better that she didn’t ask Jongin for help with Eunhee. A justification of her selfishness, and selflessness all at the same time.

    “What’s wrong?” Taemin asks.

    She couldn’t help but to compare. Where Jongin had been mischievous and always afire, Taemin had been soft and gentle. While Jongin can be gentle, it only happens in the most intimate of places and with the most intimate of reasons. Taemin’s case is quite the opposite, he’s always gentle, no matter who he’s faced with or who he’s talking to.

    Jongin is loud, his laugh echoes and booms across the room with mirth. It’s like he’s the sun and everyone around him are smaller stars, onlooking his brightness from where they’re standing. He is the object where the forces of attraction are concentrated upon. Whenever she looks at Jongin, she feels compelled to look even more.

    Taemin, on the other hand, is quiet. It’s like the more he tries to make himself seem less than everyone, the more everyone sees him. He stands out from people in a muted down, and quiet sort of way. He doesn’t even have to laugh loudly for him to be noticed, just the warmth radiating from his laugh and smile is enough to gather people’s attention. When Soojung looks at Taemin, it’s quite hard to look away.

    After the break up with Jongin, Soojung has become accustomed to seeing Jongin’s face in Taemin’s, and she’s accepted it for what it is. Besides, Taemin’s personality is the proof that he is never really a reminder of Jongin. Initially, before she came to terms with the result of her actions, she finds it hard to look at Taemin because of his resemblance to Jongin. A few months had passed, and it takes a few call-outs from Taemin before she finally got her head out of her and made conscious efforts of moving on.

    “Nothing. It’s just a busy day, that’s all.” Soojung sighs while keeping her eyes on the excel spreadsheet presented to her by the monitor.

    “Lies.” Taemin kicks her chair and Soojung glares at him in return. This is a prime example of why she will never see Jongin in him.

    “So, are you going to tell me or am I going to keep on kicking your chair?” He challenges, and if Soojung is in the mood, she would have allowed him to like the unbothered she is.

    But today, she is not unbothered. Not at all.

    “You never told me what happened to the group Jongin is about to debut in.” She finally speaks up.

    The silence that consumes the atmosphere is something she completely anticipated. Soojung has never opened up about Jongin unless she’s completely wasted (she and Taemin could count on one hand the amount of times she’s gone completely wasted), or breaking down because of events seven years ago (this can also be counted on one hand).

    One look at Taemin’s face and Soojung knows that he’s concerned.

    “Jongin injured his leg five years ago just before he’s about to debut, he couldn’t… well he had to be on therapy for a year before he could dance again, and even then it would be quite hard for him to dance to complicated choreographies until his knee is fully head.” His voice is so low that it’s barely even audible.

    There is a lack of expression on Soojung’s face for a minute at most. After all, what can one do with that kind of news? Jongin, he’s always been so passionate and in love with dancing. She swears back when they had been together that if there’s anything he loves more than her and his mother, it would be dancing.

    Knowing that an injury cost him his dreams breaks Soojung’s heart almost as much as it did when she decided that she’s keeping the baby without telling him anything.

    If she meets Jongin now, she wouldn’t know what to say. His dreams are the reason she hid Eunhee from him. Should unwanted circumstances arise and Jongin finds out about Eunhee (which she knows, is far from happening), she knows he would feel the guilt. Guilt for not finding out, guilt for not achieving his dreams.

    “That’s… tragic.” She says, for lack of better words.

    “It is. He’s actually about to debut as his group’s main dancer until everything went downhill.” Taemin adds. Soojung could see the way Taemin’s chest loosens up, like he’s finally said something he’s been holding in for so long.

    “Why didn’t you tell me?” Her gaze is fixed on her best friend, demanding for an answer even though she knows full well that he probably did it for her sake.

    “Because I didn’t know how you’d react. Eunhee was only two years old then and you were struggling with college. There have been times where you’re crying over him, too. I didn’t know what to do.” He sighs.

    Looking at Taemin now, she feels a fraction of the cluelessness and the helplessness he’d felt during that time. Soojung decides to let it go. She couldn’t get mad at him, not when it’s not his fault anyway, and she knows that knowing how Jongin injured himself would have only made her feel worse. Having knowledge of that would mean that she’d be less productive for her and Eunhee seeing as it was a point where Soojung is breaking down and regretting everything.

    “Yeah, okay.” She drops the subject, and waves off the look of concern Taemin gives her. They spend the next few minutes just sitting there in the office, with Soojung trying to keep the spreadsheets in check, and Taemin looking at his phone.

    When she sees that it’s already four minutes past noon, she stands up immediately and doesn’t even bother to shut the computer off. She just switches off the AVR and drags Taemin by the arm to her car.

    “Okay care to tell me why you’re doing this?” Taemin asks, following her to the elevator while trying to remove her death grip on his arm.

    “I’m four ing minutes late for picking up Eunhee. God, I hope she’s not the last kid there. I’ll kill myself if she is.” She panics as she presses down the elevator button to the ground floor.

    “Soojung, you do realize that you’ve always been late at picking up Eunhee. The kid is already used to it by now.” He laughs, stopping only when Soojung fixes her death glare on him.

    By the time they get into the car, Soojung backs away from the parking spot expertly and speeds off, only slowing down when she’s finally reached the highway in fear of getting pulled up. Taemin’s hand is gripping the handlebar of the passenger seat, and Soojung laughs upon seeing the sight.

    “It’s not even that fast.” She laughs even harder as she slows down.

    “ you,” He tugs on her hair and Soojung swats his hand away.

    “We’ll get into an accident with you pulling my hair more than my devil driving.” She would have glared at him, but she can’t exactly keep her eyes off the road can’t she no matter how good of a driver she is.

    “Just... drive like a normal person. I’m sure her dance instructor would have stayed with her anyway.” Taemin sighs before tugging on her hair once more, though this one is lighter than the previous one.

    Soojung only nods and it takes them approximately five minutes at a rate of sixty kilometres per hour when they reach the dance studio. Soojung is about to tell Taemin to wait in the car but he’s already put on his cap and his mask before she could even speak. Instead of saying anything, she allows it when he gets off the car before her to pick up Eunhee.

    They navigate the dance studio like they’ve been there so many times, like they’ve lived and breathed in the space. Soojung always takes the middle of the hall, no matter where she is, or who the people around her are. Every time she is faced with a hallway, the first thing that comes into her mind is to take up the middle, like she is a queen making her way to conquer the world.

    It’s always been like this, Soojung at the lead, and Taemin following closely behind. Not directly behind her, but just a few inches behind her and a few inches beside her. It’s not on purpose, it’s just the way it had always been. A seamless flow of their interactions that didn’t start and end anywhere. It just is.

    Much to Soojung’s dismay, Eunhee’s the only kid left in the dance classroom. In front of Eunhee is a tall guy, probably another dance instructor left to make sure the last kid gets picked up by their parent. Soojung feels glad though that Eunhee seems to be getting along well with her dance instructor, judging by the way her child is laughing out loud every few seconds.

    A few seconds pass and Eunhee seems to still be clueless that her mother had already arrived to pick her up, Soojung clears and Eunhee’s eyes light up. Instantly, Soojung smiles as her daughter stands up immediately to run up to her.

    “I’m sorry I’m late.” Soojung kisses the top of Eunhee’s head.

    “You’re always late, mommy.” Eunhee giggles and Soojung already feels the amount of stress getting off her chest the moment her daughter smiles.

    “Thank you for watching her while I was gone. I lost track of time at work and-”

    “Soojung?” The voice. God, she will never forget that voice. There’s one too many instances where he breathed her name out in salvation that it’s become too hard for her to forget the way her name falls off his lips. It doesn’t help that he still says it the same way.

    Right there, in front of her, is Kim Jongin. The very boy she had once sworn that she will love no matter what happens. The boy she took a giant risk for just because she wanted him to reach his dreams.

    Soojung’s hands shake knowing that Eunhee just had an actual interaction with her father for the first time in seven years. What makes her even more anxious is that Eunhee doesn’t know.

    “You know him, mommy?” Eunhee asks, curious eyes peeking up and looking at both her and Jongin alternately.

    “He’s an old friend, sweetie.” Soojung smiles at her daughter, lying right through her teeth once more.

    She looks at Taemin and tosses him the car keys. Taemin nods, knowing full well what Soojung means by that. “Eunhee let’s go. I’ll buy you bingsu again. Your mommy just has to use the washroom and ask your teacher if you’re doing good.”

    “But I am doing good. He told me!”

    Soojung notices the way Taemin takes off his mask and smiles at Jongin before motioning that he has to get Eunhee back to the car. The look on Jongin’s face suggests that he’s still clueless, while being equally shocked that both of his best friends from before are in his dance studio.

    The room is filled with awkward tension the moment Taemin and Eunhee disappears. Soojung remembers that it was never like this between the two of them. Jongin hates the silence, while Soojung hates the ugly kind of it. To compensate for that, Jongin would always ask her about something.

    Her eyes catch his hands playing with the side of his sweatpants. So maybe he still hates the silence, she concludes.

    “So,” He begins, “You and Taemin, huh? When did you get married?”

    She couldn’t do this, but she feels as though it’s a long overdue conversation that she’s been painfully waiting for the moment she’d left Jongin. Instead of giving him a proper answer, Soojung only raises her left hand to show that there’s no wedding ring.

    “People can take off wedding rings, Soojung.” He laughs, but it doesn’t sound like the way it did before. It lacks life. Doesn’t have the youthful mirth and the booming presence indicating his happiness and amusement. It’s like he’s forced and only doing this just to avoid the silence.

    “We’re not married.” She adds the emphasis to word that negates his assumption.

    “Eunhee looks like him, though.” Jongin tells her the observation she hopes no one would ever dare notice.

    “If you look hard enough she doesn’t look like Taemin.” She breathes out. This is Jung Soojung’s downfall. The collapse of a poorly built up wall that she never bothered to strengthen over the years that passed. Seven years might have been a long time, but it’s not long enough to ensure that she will not let Jongin in anymore.

    “What do you mean?” His forehead creases as he looks at her.

    “I’m sorry. I promised Sooyeon I’d have Eunhee come over to her place today. Bye, Jongin.” And then she does what she had always done best; she runs away.

    Taemin and Eunhee are waiting for her in the car in complete silence. She doesn’t want to speak for she knows that if she does, it will be hard to keep her tears at bay. So the three of them, though usually engulfed in some kind of loud and animated conversation, spends the rest of the car ride back to the apartment in silence.

    “Did you know?” She asks Taemin just after she shuts the door to Eunhee’s room.

    “I really didn’t. I’m sorry, Soojung.” He sighs.