SOOJUNG WONDERS IF EUNHEE FEELS EXHAUSTED FROM ALL THE MOVING BETWEEN TWO HOUSES. She’s incredibly new to this parenting-with-Jongin thing, and she realizes that there might be some unconventional and incredibly exhausting factors to their co-parenting routine. 

Switching places every week, having all her stuff split in between two houses… it all seems a bit too much to impose upon their seven-year-old. 

“Do you think Eunhee is tired from going back and forth to our places every single time?” Soojung asks when she’s seated on the couch next to Jongin in his place. 

She’d just dropped Eunhee off and joined the two for dinner. Their daughter fell asleep immediately after watching her nightly round of cartoons, and as much as Soojung wants to leave already — she feels as though she should stay here. Talking about Eunhee’s current situation is one of the reasons… but for some reason it’s like she’s compelled to be here. 

“Well… you raised an outspoken child. I think she would have complained about it if she felt tired from all the moving around.” Jongin responds while looking at the closed door of his old-bedroom-turned-Eunhee’s-room. He looks so peaceful and it makes Soojung smile. 

“Sometimes I feel like she’s more perceptive than I am. You’d think for a seven year old she’d get mad at me or you or something when I introduced you to her… but she didn’t.” In some ways, Soojung still fears Eunhee’s wrath about this topic. Sure Eunhee’s not speaking about it now, but what about in a few years? When her mind is complex enough to grasp the concept of life-wrecking selfishness? Would Soojung still be safe then? 

“You raised her well, Soojung. In fact you did it so well that I sometimes think my presence wouldn’t have made any difference.” Jongin sighs and for some reason that comment broke Soojung’s heart. It’s like going through their not-so-breakup all over again with the way her heart is sinking so heavy in her chest. 

“Don’t say that…” 

“I didn’t say that to guilt-trip you or anything.” Jongin places a hand on hers, a way to placate her already squirming feelings. “It’s just… We were so young, Soojung. I had my head in the clouds with the idol dreams and I wasn’t really being particularly kind to you too. I don’t know how muddled your memories are, but I’m pretty sure that I’ve been stuck in my own head too much. Barely caring about anyone else other than me. Imagine me as a father that way… it wouldn’t have worked properly.” 

Tears well up at the bottom of Soojung’s eyes, prompting her to look up and blink for a few times so she wouldn’t have to show weakness when she’s supposed to be being strong. 

“Parenting is a learning process. I didn’t raise her all by myself, Jongin. Sooyeon is there and so is Taemin. They’ve raised her just as much as I did.” Her voice is trembling and she knows it — if Jongin noticed, he doesn’t say a thing. “You know what they say… it takes a village to raise a child.” 

Jongin smiles at her and that’s all it takes for her to cry. His expression changes to that of concern and Soojung has never wanted to sink into the ground so much as she does right now. 

“Before you say anything,” She cuts him off right when he opens his mouth to speak. “I just want you to know that I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have ran like that… or kept her from you. It’s selfish of me and there really is nothing else I could do to fix all those years of you missing out on being a dad…. but I want to do things right this time.” 

They stare at each other in the comfort of Jongin’s living room, with the television going unnoticed and becoming white noise. 

When Soojung stares at Jongin tonight, she thinks about the multitude of times where they’ve stared at each other in the dead of the night. All of those nights in the comfort of places that are familiar and homely. Tonight feels the same, but also not quite. They are withered by years and years of silently suffering alone; Soojung for her horrible life decisions, and Jongin for his dreams that slipped away through his fingertips. 

It’s nice to feel like this — like she’s not alone and running from every single thing she’d decided upon. Catching up with Jongin and finally stopping herself from becoming a roadblock in his relationship with Eunhee feels both exhilarating and a close step towards her redemption. She’s not going to be the girl who forced independence upon herself just to prove a point, not anymore. 

“Do you remember high school? Back when we were dating?” Jongin asks her in a hushed voice, like he’s trying to tell her a secret that only she could know. 

She feels his cold fingers playing with hers, making her breathe in abruptly as she’d never really shared a moment of softness with him like this. Not since they were dating anyway. Unable to form words due to the sudden physical contact, Soojung only nods. 

“I’d been thinking about dropping out of high school in order to focus on becoming a trainee and to eventually debut. Do you know what you told me?” The lights are somewhat dimmer now even though Soojung is certain that they’re the same lights they’d turn on a while ago. Nevertheless, they make Jongin’s smile glimmer throughout the whole place like he’s the greatest source of light. 

“Pretty sure I told you that you’re going to end up regretting dropping out if something happens and you failed to think of a backup plan.” There’s a feeble attempt at trying to recount those days where everything had been fairly easier. 

“That you did. You’ve always been pragmatic and you’re always rooted in this sense of realism and sensibility that sometimes I feel like I’m too immature for you. Look at me, thinking about dropping out just to focus on that dream only to get myself injured in the end.” Jongin takes a deep breath — a shaky breath, before bringing back his blinding smile. “If I hadn’t listened to you then I probably would have had to repeat high school all over again just to be able to go to college.” 

To be honest, Soojung doesn’t know where this conversation is heading. But the tone on Jongin’s voice is pulling her farther and farther into that world — a world where they are somewhat both functional even with their flaws and horrible decisions. 

“You were always doing the right thing. It’s not— it’s not an excuse for you to make mistakes but you’re bound to make them. You’re human, just like the rest of us.” 

Human, just like the rest of us. Soojung likes the sound of that. It makes the thought of forgiving herself and finding redeeming qualities for her yet again much more bearable. 

She smiles at Jongin and her heart feels like it’s soaring.