SOOYEON IS TRAVELLING TO THE US SOON FOR MEETINGS REGARDING BLANC AND ECLARE. These meetings aren’t completely out of the left field. Sooyeon’s been going on these for months on end, trying to get investors to put some money in her company. Whenever she’s not around, Soojung is usually left to pick up some of the slack for the company despite her low-ranking position (something she insisted on, of course). 

Given that she’s going to be promoted to Marketing Manager soon, Sooyeon gave her a ton of tasks to work on in her absence. There is a pile of papers on Soojung’s desk at home that are still left untouched, and another set of files stowed away in her email that she’ll get to when the weekdays start. 

Since Sooyeon’s going away for a month (maybe less if the meetings go well), she made a request to have Eunhee spend an entire day with her over at Lotte World with Taeyeon, one of her friends. Soojung didn’t have it in her to tell Sooyeon no, but she also didn’t know how to tell Jongin that she’ll have to steal Eunhee away for a bit. 

Sooyeon is in the living room, watching a drama using Taemin’s Netflix profile (he mooches off Soojung’s Netflix plan, and so does Sooyeon). Her feet are propped on the coffee table, and she’s munching on some popcorn that Soojung assumes has been left in her pantry for months. 

“Did you check the expiration date on that?” Soojung takes the vacant spot on the couch next to her sister. 

“It expires in two months. Seriously, Soojung. You need to clear out that pantry of yours soon. Who knows when your daughter will try and eat something way beyond its expiration date.” Sooyeon scolds her, throwing a popcorn seed that hits her square on the forehead. 

“Eunhee wouldn’t. She’s smart enough to ask me if stuff is still good to eat.” Soojung answers matter-of-factly. One thing she loves about her daughter is how perceptive she is, and how she seems to be smarter for someone her age. Soojung at seven-years-old would have eaten anything she saw in the pantry without any regard for expiration dates. 

Sooyeon shakes her head, another disapproving look that Soojung just shakes off at this point. It’s only Friday, and Sooyeon’s supposed to proceed with her plans tomorrow. Soojung makes a mental note to talk to Jongin sometime tonight instead of catching him by surprise tomorrow. 

“Hey, unnie, ” Soojung calls to get Sooyeon’s attention. Her sister’s eyes shift away from the blinking scenes from the television and looks at Soojung with an expecting look. There’s a look of worry on Sooyeon’s face. 

“Taemin confessed two weeks ago.” Soojung breathes out. It feels like a portion of the weight inside her chest dissipated. She held it inside of her for weeks, not knowing what to do or what to say to anyone. It has been so long since Soojung entertained the thought of romance in her head. The last person she’d ever thought of pursuing a relationship with was Jongin. But now that Taemin had confessed, there’s this nagging feeling in Soojung’s brain telling her to stop lying to herself. 

Except she doesn’t know which lies she’d been telling herself. All she knows is that it has something to do with Taemin and the scales of their current relationship that’s tipping over to one side. 

Sooyeon’s gaze remains expectant. 

“He told me that… that he’s been in love with me since forever. But he didn’t ask for an answer. He told me that I could give him one, or none at all — but he also stated that I shouldn’t worry about it because he’ll still be here for me regardless of where we stand.” Everything spills out the way dreams spill into reality. Like waking up smiling from a particularly nice dream or waking up in cold sweat from a nightmare. 

The weight of Taemin’s confession isn’t weighing on Soojung in such a way that she wants to run away from him. It’s been established long ago that Soojung couldn’t function without Taemin, that he’s her non-negotiable in the messy chaos of her adulthood. It weighs on her in a way that she doesn’t know how to react, that her feelings are unclear, muddled by her fear of making mistakes that would ruin beautiful things (Exhibit A: Her and Jongin). 

The last thing Soojung wants to do is to ruin her friendship with Taemin. One wrong move and their years of friendship would crumble down faster than she ever ran away from things going awry. Jongin was the cautionary tale — the story that forces Soojung to think and think and think before she does something that could affect her life greatly. 

This confession is monumental in a way that it tips the scale of everything Soojung knows. 

“It’s about time he confessed, honestly.” Sooyeon begins, snacking on popcorn like she’s listening to a recap of a Hallmark movie. “I’ve known him just as long as you have, probably not as much as you do, but I know enough to see that he’s always been in love with you.” 

Soojung finds time in a standstill. Is she the only one who doesn’t know? If Sooyeon — the denser sister — knew all about Taemin’s feelings for her, then does that mean that everyone else does, too? What about Jongin? Is he a part of the people who know as well? 

“How did you know?” Soojung digs for an answer, wanting to know the gravity of the hard situations she’d put her, Taemin, and Jongin through. 

“It was always obvious, Soojung. He always puts you first. Isn’t it evident in the way he chose you instead of Jongin when you ed up with your decision after getting pregnant?” Sooyeon points out, which baffles Soojung because how come all of these just went over her head the first time. 

Taemin did put her first — he put her first way more often than she expected him to. On her twenty first birthday, she celebrated her birthday in a dive bar somewhere in Gangnam. Taemin’s flight from Japan departs the exact time as her birthday celebration. Frankly, she wouldn’t have minded if he wasn’t there. She understands that idols have tours and those are important to make money. But Taemin still came through and arrived an hour and a half after he landed in Seoul carrying a birthday cake with “Happy Birthday Soojung!” on it. 

“The boys and I were supposed to go to the company and record something, but I couldn’t miss your birthday for the world.” Taemin pants as he lights up her cake with his custom-made lighter that Soojung gave to him for his twenty-first. 

She remembers being frozen in time as he sings the happy birthday song to her. She’d signed herself up for disappointment and emptiness when she realized he probably wouldn’t be able to come, but there he was with his bright smile and disheveled hair telling her to make a wish. The only thing Soojung felt fitting to do was to hug him, her cake in his other hand and his other hand gently her hair. 

“You thought I wouldn’t be here, didn’t you?” He chuckles into her ear while Soojung tried to hold back her tears. 

Thinking back on all of that puts things into perspective. Soojung doesn’t know just how dense she’d been before to miss all of that, but at least she’s aware that she should do something about it now. That there’s a possibility of Taemin getting tired if she runs away from him again, or if she doesn’t acknowledge his confession. 

“Who else knows?” Soojung asks Sooyeon, the final question to see the bigger picture. 

“I’m not sure if Jongin knew, but everyone else knows. I’m pretty sure even Taemin’s manager knows. One of them went to my office to get some clothes for their female idols and they asked me if Taemin had already confessed to you. That was four years ago.” Sooyeon flicks another popcorn at Soojung’s head, “If you want to know if Jongin knew, why don’t you just ask him?” 

Of course, there’s that option, but Soojung couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that Taemin has been obvious this whole time, and that there’s a possibility that Jongin knows as well. She hopes that he stayed in his own bubble, unable to decipher things just like Soojung — especially during the time when they spent most of their youth together. 

Asking Jongin feels like she’s putting salt to a wound, that he was the one she chose back then, but he’s the person she ran away from at the first sign of a storm. She withheld Eunhee from him, but allowed Taemin to be a part of their daughter’s life despite him being an idol. Asking Jongin is like reinforcing Soojung’s mistake of not trusting him enough. 

Sooyeon plays the drama once more and leaves Soojung to think about the recent events. Soojung is glad that Sooyeon didn’t try to rub her knowledge in, and that Sooyeon just left her to her own thinking in peace. 

She withdraws to her room, letting Sooyeon hog her living room, and dials Jongin’s number. He picks up after the second ring. (He used to pick up after the first.) 

“Hey, Soojung. What’s up?” He asks. From the background, Soojung could hear Eunhee’s giggling along with the smacking of little hands on a keyboard. 

“Are you teaching my daughter how to play PC games?” Soojung asks in disbelief.

“She wanted to learn how to play League.” It’s almost like Soojung could see Jongin shrug even from the other end of the line. 

“Oh my god, Jongin. If our daughter learns how to talk on the internet, it’ll be all your fault!” Soojung stops for a moment, noticing how she referred to Eunhee as their daughter instead of just hers. Their conversation also sounded a bit like the bickering of a married couple, but Soojung leaves that realization alone. 

“I made sure to have all-chat muted, don’t worry.” He reassures her. Oddly enough, Jongin’s reassurances have always been a source of comfort to Soojung, but right now there’s no other feeling that came with his words other than relief that her daughter wouldn’t have to see horrible words. 

“Anyways,” Soojung waves off, hoping to tell him about Sooyeon’s plans of taking Eunhee to Lotte World. “Sooyeon wants Eunhee for the day tomorrow. She’s going to the U.S. for a month and wants to spend time with her niece.” 

“You’re not going with her?” Jongin asks. 

“Nope. She’s going with Taeyeon. I don’t feel like going to an amusement park, to be honest.” Soojung laughs. She used to want these things. There was a time when she wanted to go to an amusement park with Jongin, but wasn’t able to because of Jongin’s busy schedules as a trainee. 

“Yeah, sure. Just let me know what time you’re picking Eunhee up and I’ll have her ready by then.” Jongin agrees. 

“We’ll be there at eight in the morning. Try to tuck her in bed now so she doesn’t wake up all cranky tomorrow.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” Jongin laughs which echoes inside Soojung’s brain. 

Hearing him laugh racks her with guilt. How could he be so happy when Soojung took so much from him when she decided to keep Eunhee a secret from him? How could he bear to speak to her when she’s the reason why he never got the time to know his daughter? 

Jongin told her that they’re all just human beings in the end, but she doesn’t understand why he seems to be a better human being than her. The way he manages his emotions, never letting it get the best of him. The way he forgave her even if she withheld so much information from him and ghosting him all the same. The way he seems to have come to terms with how Soojung ran away instead of telling him everything. 

She’s apologized to Jongin so many times, but their past still feels like an unfinished business. It bothers her how she still feels like there’s something she hasn’t resolved with Jongin despite her efforts to make sure that he catches up with Eunhee as much as he can. 

“Well, if that’s all… Goodnight, Soojung.” Jongin’s voice snaps Soojung out of her thoughts.

“Yeah, that’s all! Goodnight, Jongin.” 

Soojung ends the call, her eyes meeting her home screen wallpaper. Eunhee and her sitting at the park together. A stolen shot from Jongin, edited to look like it was taken with a film camera — an edit that seems to be the hype with younger people these days. 

She goes to her messaging app and hovers over Taemin’s name, but she decides against it. She doesn’t know what to say to him after the two weeks of silence on her end. It seems like running away, but really all Soojung wants is to organize her thoughts and think about what to say to Taemin when she finally knows what to do. 

If Soojung went through this back when she was younger, she would have run away from it all, or maybe ignore Taemin’s confession and tell him that he needs to stop joking around. But maturing is knowing that there are some things she couldn’t blatantly ignore or run away from. Soojung prides herself in the fact that she’s grown so much through the years. That she wouldn’t do the same horrible life choices she did when she was younger. 

-

EUNHEE RUNS OUT OF THE DOOR THE MOMENT JONGIN OPENS IT. She makes a beeline for her mother’s arms and Soojung welcomes the hug with a smile. She sees Eunhee often since there are times when she has to drop things off over at Jongin’s place — a misplaced shoe, or clothes that Eunhee needs for school. But still, Soojung feels Eunhee’s absence when she’s met with the emptiness of her apartment. 

If she could, she’d ask Jongin if Eunhee could continue living with her, but she never let that thought come to light. Jongin deserves all the time in the world with Eunhee, and Soojung is not going to ruin all of that for him. It’s already her fault that he never got to know his daughter during the first few years of her life, she’s not going to let him miss the rest of Eunhee’s life now that they’re reunited. 

Eunhee pulls away from Soojung and squeals as she runs to Sooyeon. The little seven-year-old squeals in excitement as Sooyeon lifts her up in her arms, asking if she’s excited to go to Lotte World. 

“Yes! Can we go now? Can we go now?” Eunhee asks the same question repeatedly and Sooyeon laughs as she nods. 

“Here is her stuff! I packed everything she might need. Even added a change of clothes just in case something happens.” Jongin hands the little Hello Kitty backpack to Sooyeon. 

“We’ll be off now! Are you sure you’ll be fine here, Soojung?” Sooyeon asks ignoring Eunhee’s questions of ‘Can we go now? ’. 

“All good! You should go.” Soojung motions for her sister to go. 

When Sooyeon and Eunhee are out of eyesight, Soojung is left on Jongin’s doorstep with a general idea of what to do once he invites her in. She’d ask him how he is, and then ask him if he feels as though there’s something unresolved between the two of them. Honestly, Soojung just wants to fix this part of her life so she could finally move forward without any other thoughts holding her back. 

Jongin motions for her to come in, and she makes her way to the living room. Sitting on the couch while shifting her feet uncomfortably as she watches Jongin make coffee in the kitchen. She notices him take two mugs from the cupboard, pouring coffee into both of them but not adding milk to the other. Right. Jongin never takes his coffee with milk. 

When Jongin comes back to the living room, Soojung feels her heart pounding out of her chest. She doesn’t know what this conversation with entail, but she’s not the girl who runs away anymore. She doesn’t want to leave this place without finding the resolution she’s long been looking for. 

Looking at Jongin somehow feels like she’s looking at a stranger. Sure, she’s known him like the back of her hand before, but she doesn’t know just how much his injury had changed him, or how he’s grown into himself during the past years they weren’t in contact. But behind his soft gaze and calloused hands, Soojung thinks she could see a semblance of the playful and loud Jongin that used to be hers.

“You want to talk about something. What is it?” He asks as he hands her the other cup of coffee he made with milk and sugar. It’s funny because even after all of these years, Soojung still prefers coffee the same way as she did back when she was eighteen. 

Sometimes she thinks that she’s the only one who didn’t change after everyone else grew up, but she remembers that the younger her would never be able to do this. That alone is enough to reassure her that she’s not left frozen in time. 

“I just feel like… we still have something to talk about. My leaving was abrupt, and even now it’s still so abrupt the way we went into this co-parenting set up.” Soojung doesn’t know where to begin, honestly, but she’d rather give Jongin the gist of what she thinks instead of thinking that maybe he could read her mind like he always did before. 

It’s unfair to assume that Jongin would do the same things he used to do when it’s obvious that he’s not the same person anymore. 

“We’re really going to hash all of that out?” Jongin chuckles, but the nervousness in his tone doesn’t escape Soojung’s ears. He’s just as scared as she is, and Soojung doesn’t know if that’s comforting or scary. 

“It’s going to cause a rift between us if we don’t… or at least… that’s what I think.” Soojung is unsure of herself now, a stark contrast to who she was at eighteen — always walking with her head held up high, thinking that she knows how to navigate life easily without any hardship. 

“When you left, I was so lost,” Jongin begins, “I didn’t know what to do. I looked for you everywhere, but no one would tell me a word until I was forced to give up because it’s messing my training up. Can you imagine waking up day by day not knowing if your girlfriend will ever come back?” 

Soojung doesn’t dare to look away from him as he talks. Her coffee lay forgotten on the table as she looks at Jongin with a soft gaze. She knows that she hurt him a lot, but it still stings hearing about it like this. 

“I didn’t know what I did wrong. I was left by myself wondering if I did something to push you away, or if you suddenly woke up and decided that you don’t love me anymore. Truthfully, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, I waited for you to come back for years but you never did.” Each word cuts through Soojung’s chest like a scalpel, but she doesn’t dare compare it to the amount of pain Jongin felt when she ran away. 

“Then I saw you with Eunhee and for a moment I thought you married Taemin, that cut me like a knife, Soojung.” He forces out a laugh, looking at the ceiling to hold his tears at bay. 

“I just… I didn’t want to take your dream away from you, Jongin. You were so close to being who you want to be. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you turned your back from all of that just to be with me and Eunhee.” Soojung’s surroundings blur as tears form in her eyes. This is conversation she initiated, so she stays even though she desperately wants to stop it and run. 

“But didn’t it ever cross your mind that I deserve to know Eunhee, too?” His voice doesn’t rise. Even in pain, Jongin is still the one who doesn’t lose it. Soojung decides with a finality now that Jongin is the better person between the two of them. 

“I did… but I wanted you to get a chance at your dream…” Soojung trails off, knowing how stupid her answer sounds. 

“So you made that choice for the two of us.” Jongin finishes, his tears finally falling. “I’m not even angry I’m just hurt that you couldn’t trust me enough, Soojung.” 

“We were young, Jongin. There were days when I wanted to run to you and tell you that she’s yours and that we should raise her like a normal family, but each day I think about your training and how you would debut and that stops me every single time.” She sobs, her voice rising just a bit out of frustration — not at Jongin, but at herself. “I don’t want to think about how the media would ruin you as well as Eunhee if they found out that you have a family hidden away somewhere.” 

“Taemin was able to be there for her and the media never caught onto it. If he could do it, then why can’t I?” Jongin asks his frustration evident with the way his hands are flying around everywhere. 

“Because he’s not her dad. It would be easy to deny it. All testimonies from our middle school friends wouldn’t have fed the media all the information they wanted. He wasn’t my boyfriend then, you were. What if you debuted and they caught wind of me and Eunhee? What if they dug into our past? It would be so painfully obvious that it would have ruined your career — we would have ruined your career.” All of a sudden, Soojung is eighteen again, clad in the uniform of Hanlim school and thinking that she knows everything — except it’s clear that she doesn’t. 

“I wouldn’t have cared, Soojung. You two would have been the most important person to me, and I wouldn’t care if the world thinks badly of me for having a family. What’s important is that I stand by you two.” His words hit her like a truck. 

She realizes now how wrong she was for putting Jongin’s career over everything else. She already knows back then that Jongin would put her first, that’s why she hid Eunhee from him. But what she only realizes now was how afraid she was back then that Jongin would choose the limelight over her and Eunhee had they decided to become a family back then. 

Soojung didn’t trust him, and she desperately wants to punish herself for that. 

“I’m so sorry.” Her shoulders shake as she cries, gripping onto the edges of her sweater as her tears fall endlessly onto her cheeks. 

Jongin reaches out to pull her into his arms as she sobs, which only causes Soojung to cry even more. How is it that she’s the one to be consoled in this situation when she was the one who ruined everything for him? It breaks Soojung to think that she left Jongin in favor of him being able to build his career as an idol, yet here he is now, a normal dance instructor — not an idol. 

She couldn’t imagine how much that hurt, having everything taken from him and starting all over again with no one else to turn to. Somehow, Soojung doesn’t believe that she’s a good person when she thinks of Jongin and what she’s done. That her being human isn’t enough reason to absolve her of everything she’s caused. 

Jongin lets her go when her sobs have subsided, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear as he smiles at her. 

“I’ve moved on, Soojung. So should you. Yeah, it hurt so much back then… but there’s nothing else we could do. We’re not living in our pasts, anymore.” Jongin squeezes her hand, his smile growing wider even when there are remnants of tears on his cheeks. 

“I forgive you, Soojung.” His voice is gentle, and it’s enough to shake away all of the ghosts in Soojung’s past, swimming in her head and whispering everything she’s ever done wrong in her ear. 

She squeezes his hand back. Thank you, Jongin. 

-

THE TELEVISION IS WHITE NOISE AS SOOJUNG AND JONGIN PLAY A CARD GAME TOGETHER. Soojung stayed longer, just to enjoy Jongin’s company after the intense talk they’ve had a few hours ago. His forgiveness eased away the weight in Soojung’s chest, one that she’s carried for years ever since she ghosted him and hid Eunhee from him. 

It feels good to finally be able to hear the words she needed to move forward. Jongin’s forgiveness makes the thought of forgiving herself easier. Still, Soojung feels the guilt, but it has eased up a lot since their conversation. It doesn’t feel like she’s suffocating anymore, and it doesn’t feel like a looming storm cloud over her head. 

“Don’t you just miss being young and stupid all over again?” Soojung asks him. She’s not talking about them when they were eighteen, though. What Soojung means is their sixteen-year-old selves running through hallways, thinking that their world is bigger than it actually was. 

“All of the time. Being an adult is horrible, and honestly, I feel like it’s a lot harder now that I’ve got Eunhee.” Jongin muses as he throws his card onto the section of discarded cards with the combinations they’ve formed. 

“It feels like lightyears away, honestly. High school and the never-ending slew of crushes and sneaking around — sometimes cutting classes, too.” Soojung laughs as she thinks about high school and her youth. It’s a golden part of her life, arguably one of the best years of her life. 

“You want to know something?” Jongin looks at her, and she meets his gaze with a tilted head. 

“My youth belongs to you, Soojung. It belonged to you and no one else.” His smile glows bright even in his living room that’s illuminated by the golden hour. It’s like Soojung is looking at one of the most pristine things in the world. 

She stops in her tracks, looks at him with tears forming in her eyes again because she doesn’t think she’s heard anyone say something this beautiful to her. To hear Jongin tells her that his youth is hers sounds like something out of a drama, but it feels exhilarating to hear it. 

“You’re my first love, and I honestly think I’ll keep a spot for you in my heart.” Jongin smiles at her. 

Soojung’s breath is shaking as she asks him this: “Where do we stand?” 

Her question catches Jongin offguard, but he answers nonetheless: “We’ve grown. We’re not the kids we used to be. While it’s nice to think about the past as a golden memory in spite of all the bad things and decisions we’ve made, it’s time we let it stay behind us.” 

Soojung’s gaze is unwavering as she looks at Jongin like he holds all the answers to the universe. It’s crazy to think that he used to be the person who would tilt their head whenever a deep discussion about life comes up. He’s not the same Jongin that he used to be, but Soojung thinks that he grew up amazingly. 

“I’ll always love you. But our relationship ran its course. I’m sure you feel the same way too.” Jongin pats her on the head, and Soojung only nods. 

“You’re right. I don’t think we’d be able to make it work considering all the we’ve been through.” She laughs, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. 

It would be wishful thinking if Soojung says that she wants to try again with him, but that isn’t the case. Sure, Jongin’s presence in her life is a comforting one, but it’s more so because she’s happy that Eunhee would have someone else to turn to. He doesn’t make her heart skip a beat anymore, nor does he make her think that she wouldn’t be able to live without him. 

“Go to him. I’m sure he’s been waiting since forever.” Jongin playfully nudges her on the shoulder, the smile still on his face.

Even without saying, Soojung already knows who he’s talking about. 

“How long have you known?” Her hopes that he didn’t know were suddenly crushed. Turns out she’s the only oblivious one between the three of them. 

“I confirmed it a few months ago, but I’ve always had a hunch. If there’s anyone who could love you more than I ever could, it’ll probably be Taemin.” Soojung looks for any sign of pain or hurt in Jongin’s face, but there’s none. It’s clear now that he’s moved forward, and she should too. 

“I don’t think words are enough to express how grateful I am for you.” She tells Jongin, her heart settling in a feeling of steady beats — ready to move forward without any inch of regret. Soojung knows that she’s done everything she needs to do now, except one. 

“Then let Eunhee live here for the next few days.” Jongin proposes.

“In your face, Jongin.” Soojung rolls her eyes. 

Together, they laugh as they bask in the remnants of their youth while looking forward to where the future would lead them.