THE DAY FEELS SLOW. Which is odd because Soojung never really had slow days before. The clock seems too tick away slower than the anticipation for spring. Sooyeon didn’t give her much work which seems unfair given that Soojung still wants to work for her salary. The leniency Sooyeon gives her doesn’t seem fair to the rest of Soojung’s coworkers who would always work away hours of their precious lives. Soojung assumes she would have to talk to Sooyeon about that soon enough. 

Soojung absentmindedly taps on her keyboard, hearing the click clack of the keys as she types away different parts of the report she should be doing. Sooyeon hinted at her promotion last week, giving Soojung a sideway glance and a glistening smile when she told her that the marketing manager position is open. Soojung wanted to refuse out of her sheer abhorrence towards nepotism, but Sooyeon seems determined. 

The position was filled by a former employee named Miyoung. Another girl who migrated from California to Seoul. Last time Soojung saw her sister interact with Miyoung, they were still getting along fairly well. Sooyeon doesn’t keep all the details of her business privy to Soojung, something Soojung never really understood. Now Soojung is left to assume the reasons behind Miyoung leaving the company behind. After all, she had been a part of this company since its founding. 

The reason must be big if Miyoung left the company behind, leaving nothing but a trail of assumptions on her heels. Soojung doesn’t want to ask Sooyeon about it and would prefer if Sooyeon tells her on her own accord. In the meantime though, soojung is still left wondering about her feelings toward the sudden hint at a promotion. 

Her thoughts come to a halt when Sooyeon knocks on the wall of her cubicle before pressing a bright yellow sticky note with her manicured fingers. Leave the building before lunchtime or I’ll dock your pay. 

Soojung gives Sooyeon an irritated glance, ice-cold gaze piercing deep into her sister’s brown hues. Why is she here if she’s never meant to work? Honestly speaking, Soojung thinks that the reason why Sooyeon never lets her work this much is because Sooyeon feels bad for Soojung missing out on a lot of milestones in life all because she got pregnant early, and never had time to hang out with other people. 

“Must you always do this to me?” Blessings like these shouldn’t be taken for granted, and Soojung knows that. But Sooyeon never seems to care that she’s giving Soojung too much free time. 

“The office is slow today, and you’re not really needed. Take all the time you need to around before I give you Miyoung’s old position, you’ll be busier then. You’re also probably going to have to balance your time better with Eunhee since that position involves a lot of late nights.” Sooyeon speaks with conviction. It’s one of the things Soojung admires about her older sister. The way Sooyeon could never be swayed, no matter the opposition. 

“So you’re really just giving me all that free time because you’re planning to work me like a dog soon?” She raises her eyebrow at Sooyeon, not quite believing what her sister had told her. 

“Exactly.” Sooyeon winks at her, the glitter on her eyelids shining briefly when she turns to where the sun illuminates her face. 

Soojung could only watch as Sooyeon walks away, her heels clicking on the tiled floor of their office space as she retreats into her own office room. When Sooyeon is out of peripheral view, Soojung places her chin on her hand, still without an idea of how to go about her day.

Her phone vibrates from the bamboo phone stand Soojung got from IKEA a few months ago with Taemin’s caller ID lighting up the LCD screen. She answers the phone without waiting for another bar to play from her ringtone. 

“What’s up?” She foregoes the usual cellphone greetings in favor of getting straight to the point. There’s a possibility that Taemin could just be calling to check on her — he does that a lot especially during Soojung’s pregnancy. While his calls dwindle every now and then due to his extreme work schedules, there’s always a call once a month where he asks Soojung how she’s doing. 

To say that she’s grateful for Taemin is a huge understatement. All the years they’ve spent together is a collective witness to the rollercoaster that is Soojung’s life. Despite Taemin’s absence for some of her core memories (world tours, fan meetings, red carpets, and music awards were never really kind to Taemin), he’s never failed to make her feel that he’s there. Even though he doesn’t physically show up, he always makes up for it in some way — whether it’s a FaceTime call or a care package delivered to Soojung’s front door. 

“Sooyeon told me to take you with me for the day. A huge coincidence, honestly, because I was planning on asking you if you could take me to SM sometime this week.” Taemin’s hearty laughter echoes through the other end of the phone. Soojung couldn’t see him, but it still feels like seeing sun rays from the back of her eyes. 

“Fine with me. Just wear your disguise when we’re entering.” Soojung reminds him, wary of a dating scandal that could throw their entire lives out of orbit. Should a dating scandal occur, it’s not just Soojung who will have to bear the brunt of the public’s scrutinizing gaze. Eunhee would suffer too. Her slight resemblance to Taemin will send the Korean citizens in a frenzy over the possibility of their beloved Lee Taemin being a father. 

It’s the kind of life Soojung hopes they would never have to encounter. In hindsight, maybe it’s one of the reasons why Soojung never told Jongin that she’s pregnant. She didn’t want to live in the shadows with her daughter, fearing the day that the public will eat them alive. 

“My group’s slowly fading into obscurity, especially with all these new kids debuting. Plus, didn’t you hear about Chen getting married and having a daughter?” Taemin asks her, the tone of his voice subtly digging at Soojung’s lack of knowledge about the events in the entertainment industry. “It’s about high time the older boys date and get married and .” 

“What does that have to do with wearing your disguise?” Soojung voice raises a bit, unable to decipher where Taemin is getting at. Sometimes Taemin goes off on these tangents that seem completely unrelated to the situation at hand, only for Soojung to finally realize the point of his tangent a few weeks later. 

“It means that a dating news won’t really faze fans anymore. We’re getting older. I’m twenty-six and I’ve been in this industry since I was fourteen… I think it’s time we’re allowed to enjoy the liberties of life.” Taemin sighs. Soojung could hear the rustling of sheets from the other end of the phone. She assumes that Taemin’s still in bed, probably staring at the ceiling as the conversation happens. 

While Soojung wants to agree with Taemin’s sentiments, it’s not exactly the same as what the rest of Korea would feel. Sure twenty six is not the same as sixteen, or eighteen, or twenty, but it’s still a fairly young age. Taemin doesn’t have wrinkles on his skin, his skin hasn’t sagged from age, and his back isn’t in a perpetual state of pain yet. He’s still young, and Soojung is sure that the rest of the world thinks the same as well. 

“To the rest of the world, you’re still the same fourteen year old boy who debuted in a group with his older brothers who took him to school.” Soojung muses. Her memory flashes back to Cheongdam Middle School, where she sticks to the walls and covers her face with her hair to avoid unnecessary attention. 

Taemin had been smaller back then; skin and bones with an awkward haircut. She remembers watching as Taemin walks to school accompanied by four high schoolers with equally awkward haircuts. Everyone knows who Taemin is, but that doesn’t seem to deter middle school bullies from picking on him — hence the need for his four members to walk him to school. 

“You could have walked with us too, you know.” Taemin tells Soojung during self-study period after he snuck into their classroom due to the discomfort he’d felt from being sat next to a particularly rude boy in his own class. 

“I’ll pass.” Soojung doesn’t look up from her math homework, “I don’t want the people here to think I’m cozying up to your group to seek attention.” 

They’ve known each other since they were eight. When Soojung’s entire family was still in Seoul (her parents moved to the countryside after Sooyeon’s first year of university) and they lived in a hillside neighborhood with a vast amount of stairs that pissed Soojung off. She was reading on a park bench when Taemin sat next to her. 

To think that their friendship would last long enough for Taemin to witness Soojung make so many mistakes during adulthood is bizarre to her. She didn’t think friendships could last that long at first. Especially after she lost contact with her best friend back in California; Amber. 

“And that’s the part I hate the most.” Taemin’s voice gets softer as she speaks. Soojung feels bad for what she said, but she doesn’t say anything. The thing with Taemin is that one shouldn’t show him that they feel bad over something involving him. It would only irritate Taemin. 

“Anyways, you wanted to go to SM, right?” Soojung changes the topic quickly, hoping that they would never have to continue that conversation a while ago. 

“Yeah. I’ll meet you there.” 

“No need for that. I’ll just pick you up. I have too much time on my hands.” Soojung groans. At the same time though, she realizes that she’s never had this much free time since having Eunhee. Maybe her daughter growing up and the reemergence of Jongin added a new kind of balance to Soojung’s life. 

-

SM ENTERTAINMENT’S BUILDING IS BIG ENOUGH FOR SOOJUNG TO GET LOST IN. She’d only been here twice in her life, one was when Taemin’s manager had to brief her about being seen alone with Taemin in public during college, and the other one was when Soojung tried to audition. 

(She never got to audition. She was offered to become a trainee right away, but Soojung refused after thinking about it for two weeks. Being an idol wasn’t her dream. It was Jongin and Taemin’s dream, and she was just trying to ride on the coattails of the two closest people in her life simply because she doesn’t know what she wants for herself.) 

It’s bigger than what she remembers, and there’s more people than Soojung would have liked. People barely bat an eyelash at her presence, though. She’s wearing a mask, as if she’s someone important — but really, she just doesn’t want anyone to remember her face when Taemin walks in. 

Soojung is aware that some people think she’s another one of Taemin’s managers (groups never seem to have just one manager, something Soojung took too long to understand), and she never bothered to correct it. Having a non-idol best friend of the opposite gender is bound to create a few ripples in Taemin’s image so Soojung just lets the people think what they think. 

Though Taemin’s management knows that Soojung was his best friend since childhood. A non-negotiable when it comes to Taemin’s life. There are a lot of people they used to hang out with that Taemin had cut off contact with. Not for bad reasons, of course, but mostly just because he wants to keep his circle small. 

How Soojung is still a non-negotiable to his chaotic life as an idol is beyond her. She doesn’t complain, though. She wouldn’t know what to do if it weren’t for Taemin. He’s become an important pillar of support throughout most of her life that she doesn’t know how the world would function in his absence. Soojung without Taemin is like the planet Earth void of all its carbon resources, causing an inability to function on her part. 

Her world is incredibly small. Revolving only with a few vital people she keeps around (Sooyeon, Eunhee, Taemin, her parents, and now… she guesses Jongin is a vital part of her small world now). The idea of losing Taemin is a thought Soojung never entertained. Taemin’s too important that she doesn’t know how she’ll be able to go through life without his help. If he wasn’t present during her pregnancy, Soojung would have broken down earlier than expected. 

Taemin takes her to one of the meeting rooms, placing his cap on her but telling her that it’s okay to finally remove her mask. The meeting is just with his manager and one of the PR representatives. Soojung doesn’t know the agenda of the meeting, but she assumes it has something to do with the solo content they’ve been pushing Taemin to do ever since Jinki enlisted. 

Two of his manager enters first. A tall man wearing glasses that usually sports a bright smile, but carries the strength of a former martial artist, and a woman with pointed features but is more bubbly than intimidating. The PR manager follows right after. Soojung has never seen this woman before, but she looks intimidating — a PR rep that would never go easy on the reporters should her artists face any form of online slander. 

This is the kind of world Soojung never wanted to have. Now that she’s matured, she realized that wanting to become a trainee back in her middle school days would have been too much for her. It would have meant that all of these people would involve themselves in her life when all she wanted was to be left to her own devices. 

“Good afternoon, Taemin, Soojung.” Hyukbong, Taemin’s manager, greets them curtly. Soojung bows and smiles at him, while Taemin greets his manager with a bright smile that never quite reached his eyes. 

The PR manager takes her seat at the head of the table, and everyone’s eyes fall to her. She’s a small woman, shorter than Soojung by ten centimeters at the very least, but her presence commands the attention of everyone in the room like a drill sergeant. She glances at Soojung before returning to the papers neatly organized in front of her. 

“We’re here to discuss your solo, Taemin. It would be good for your group to have you promote as a solo artist, especially with Minho and Key’s impending military service.” She tells Taemin. 

From beside her, Soojung hears Taemin sigh. She feels him reach for her pinky finger from underneath the table, causing Soojung to give him a concerned look. She knows where this is going. Taemin doesn’t want to do another solo album yet, and wants to forego a solo album in favor of resting. 

“Can’t we just release album repackages or something? I’d very much like to rest for now. I’ve been continuously doing music since I was fourteen. I think I deserve a break, no?” Taemin argues, but keeps the politeness in his tone. 

“We should do something, Taemin. Unless you want Shinee to fade into obscurity… Can’t you see that your group is now being overshadowed by the newer ones?” The PR manager raises an eyebrow. 

There’s an uncomfortable silence in the air. Both of Taemin’s managers are looking at him while he maintains eye contact with the PR manager. Soojung could feel their intertwined pinky fingers tighten, a sign that Taemin doesn’t want to spend another second in this room talking about solo promotions. 

“Besides… Shinee has received so much accolades and fame over the years that I doubt anyone would actually be able to compare to the group in terms of what we have accomplished domestically and globally. I think it’s time we’re given a bit of respite.” Taemin adds, his shoulders tensing. 

“It’s going to be hard to come back to the limelight if you take a year of break, Taemin. I hope you know that.” The PR manager tries her best to be convincing, but it only comes out as authoritative. Soojung doesn’t understand why it’s the PR rep meeting Taemin about his solo promotion when this is usually left to the Creative Team and his managers. 

Hyukbong clears his throat, releasing the room from some of its tension, and diverting the attention to him instead of Taemin and the PR manager. 

“If I may… We recently conducted a stress management survey on Shinee, Red Velvet, and EXO recently. Taemin shows one of the highest stress levels recently. Maybe we should listen to him instead of pushing for another solo release.” Hyukbong tells the PR manager. 

Soojung’s gaze shifts from Hyukbong to Taemin, her eyebrows creased as she releases their intertwined pinkies in order to fit the rest of their fingers. She gives Taemin’s hand a squeeze, hoping to ease the discomfort he must be feeling in the moment. Soojung never really knew what Taemin is thinking, but it’s evident now that he would rather be anywhere instead of this room. 

“Perhaps… we could just have him record an SM Station song. Just to make it known that he’s still here and that he’s still active. Push for Instagram updates every month or every two weeks so the fans will still have content — not too often, of course, because that might run the risk of Taemin being branded as an Instagram Boy instead of an Idol.” His other manager chimes in. 

Honestly, Soojung would rather have Taemin disappear from the rest of the world for a moment so he could enjoy his time for himself and deal in ambiguity. The Instagram updates would mean that his fans could still attempt to follow him wherever he goes without respect for his own personal space during his private time. Soojung doesn’t even want to think about the time when Taemin finally received a well-deserved break after the world tour, only to be followed around by a delusional sasaeng who thought she could have a chance with Taemin. 

Taemin hid in her apartment for a week after that, never leaving without a disguise that would fully cover his features, and even going as far as to buying a wig that would allow him to blend in the crowd without being suspected for being Lee Taemin of Shinee. 

But Soojung doesn’t have a say in what he does, and she assumes that she’s just here for moral support. Nothing else. 

“Fine. I’ll raise this suggestion to the Creatives Team and the CEO.” The PR manager sighs, resigning from her tense posture just a while ago. “As for the two of you,” She looks at Taemin and Soojung pointedly, “make sure that both of you never get photographed together. We’ll be creating a press release saying that Taemin will take some time off to rest. Make sure that it’s just rest and not dating.” 

“We’re not dating though…” Soojung manages a small reply. 

“The public wouldn’t be able to discern platonic and romantic, and for the two of you, I honestly doubt that there aren’t any blurred lines between the two of those.” There’s another sickening silence that covered the room. Soojung feels her heart beating out of her chest and her eyesight spinning out of control. She couldn’t focus on the woman, or anyone else for that matter. 

“I understand. May I leave now?” Taemin asks, careful not to drop the honorifics or the politeness in his tone. Even in a state of emotional turmoil, Soojung notes that Taemin never loses his politeness and composure. It must be one of the reasons why he’s able to make it this far along in the cutthroat industry he belongs to. 

“Meeting adjourned.” The PR manager exits the room. Everyone in the room visibly relaxes. 

“In the case of being photographed, you’re his manager, Soojung.” Hyukbong reminds her and Soojung only nods in agreement. She couldn’t find the energy to verbally respond to anyone in this room. 

Right now, she’s just grateful that she never accepted SM’s offer to be a trainee. She probably wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure had she actually debuted in a group. 

-

TAEMIN ASKS SOOJUNG TO DRIVE TO SUNGKYUNGKWAN UNIVERSITY RIGHT AFTER. They both graduated from here, Soojung with a business degree and Taemin with a degree in Music. College was a weird time for the two of them, if she’s being completely honest. Taemin is a full-blown idol with fans all over the world, and Soojung is practically a nobody. Their friendship is extremely odd for everyone in the campus, but no one bothered to say a word. Taemin had his friends from college, and everyone just lumped Soojung in that particular group. 

Still, when it’s just the two of them together, both wore caps and a mask. Never risking the possibility of a dating rumor to spark between the two of them. They’ve been pretty good at hiding, to be fair. Taemin has been in the industry for twelve years now and not once has she been caught with him. 

Though there was a time when Taemin was photographed with a cigarette in hand. Some of his fans didn’t take that too well. The controversy didn’t deter Taemin from his vices though, and even switch to vaping a few years later. 

“What are we doing here?” Soojung asks, lowering the volume of the radio that’s currently playing Taemin’s debut song. 

“I just want to go somewhere where I feel like I don’t matter. College was a good time mostly because everyone left me alone. I got a semblance of a normal life here, even for just a short while.” Taemin gives her a resigned smile as he puts on his cap. 

They get out of the car and walk towards the track where bleachers are overlooking the view of the track and field. Students are mingling everywhere, football players practicing with their coach, and an abundance of athletes jogging around the track. It feels nostalgic to be back in this place where Soojung lived out the rest of her youth — albeit conservatively since she had to go home early to take care of her daughter. 

“I can’t believe it’s been years since we were here.” Taemin looks around, and Soojung mirrors his actions. 

“It’s like nothing has changed… except us.” Taemin adds, prompting Soojung to place a hand on his shoulder. I’m here. 

“I still remember when you were drunk in a bar with your upperclassmen. I can’t believe you asked me to pick you up there of all places.” Soojung laughs. It was a memory she couldn’t quite forget. A drunken Taemin calling her for help after he lost so many drinking games with his seniors. Between the two of them, it’s Soojung who’s better at games. Taemin, despite all his variety show appearances, never seem to get the hang of them. 

“Oh God,” Taemin laughs, “I’m so sorry. I had to face Sooyeon’s wrath the next day because you got her to watch Eunhee again for the second time that day.” 

“Sooyeon loves Eunhee, though. So I doubt it would matter as much.” Soojung shrugs. Sooyeon paid for her tuition fee since Sooyeon’s business was already earning a lot that time. They only got the extra help from their parents whenever Sooyeon’s facing troubles with the business. Most of Soojung’s college fund went to buying Eunhee’s stuff. 

“And you were miss popular during college.” Taemin brings up. Soojung’s popularity isn’t near his, of course. But Soojung knows that there were quite a number of people who wanted to befriend her. 

“I still don’t know why they wanted to befriend me back then.” She answers honestly. There’s not much to Soojung except her quietness and her observant nature. Like anyone else in this campus, she’s perfectly normal — except she has a kid and an idol best friend. 

“Didn’t I tell you that there used to be a ton of guys and girls asking me for your number? You’d think they’d ask for mine, but no, all they ever wanted was your own number.” Taemin’s laugh rings through the open air, a sound Soojung never gets tired of hearing. 

“I’m just glad you never gave it out, honestly.” Soojung hates the idea of getting to know another stranger for the sake of romance. She prefers it to occur naturally, for the two of them to already know each other in and out before she could even look at them romantically. 

Jongin was her friend before he became her boyfriend, and she’s not going to shy away from saying that she knows Jongin better than anyone else back when they dated. She knows when to tell him what he wants to hear, and when to tell him what he needs to hear. She knows that when Jongin makes a hissing sound with his teeth, he’s annoyed and wants to leave. She knows when Jongin is forcing a smile and when he’s genuinely happy (a hard feat to master because Jongin was always good at faking happiness). 

It’s funny because now the years have watered them down into a more mature and tired version of themselves. Even with the complexity of their lives, they’re simply adults trying to navigate this scary world. 

“Giving it out would have made me jealous…” Taemin trails off, snapping Soojung out of her rose-tinted nostalgia for her youth. 

“Because I might find another best friend?” She asks, her head tilted as she looks at Taemin. 

“No, silly.” Taemin laughs, but Soojung notices that the pitch of his laughter is more nervous as opposed to making fun of her. “I didn’t want you to date anyone because that would have made things harder for me to deal with.” 

Soojung finds herself at loss for words. She knows what he means, and she doesn’t know how she never caught on. They’ve spent years with each other’s company and yet she couldn’t tell when his gaze turned from platonic to romantic. Has this been going on since they were college? Or maybe even high school? 

She doesn’t want to think about how much it pained Taemin to help her take care of her child with their best friend. She doesn’t want to think how much she put him through when she dated Jongin for most of high school if he already had feelings for her back then. 

She doesn’t say anything. She just looks at him with wide eyes like a deer caught on headlights. 

“I guess I should come out with it,” Taemin begins again, and Soojung feels a tightening grip on her stomach. A feeling she couldn’t quite explain. “I’ve always been in love with you, Soojung. I don’t know when it started, but it was always you for me. I didn’t say anything because I honestly thought time would make it go away. That if I look at another pretty girl, I’d lose all of these feelings for you — but it never happened.” 

Taemin takes a deep breath, taking her cold hand in both of his warm ones, his thumb making circles against her skin as he looks at her. “I’m not saying this because I want my feelings to be returned. If I did… I would have confessed long ago. I’m just content with being beside you… and Eunhee. So really… I wouldn’t think too much about this. You can give me an answer, or none at all. Just know that I’ll always be here for you no matter what happens.” 

When he finishes, Soojung feels a warm tear drop from her eyes down to her cheek. Her focus has mainly just been providing for Eunhee and making sure that she lives the best life she could ever live. All of that caused Soojung to develop a tunnel vision, unaware of what’s happening around her despite being so observant. How did she not know that Taemin is in love with her when he spent most of his free time away from the idol life with her? When he was so willing to help her out with raising Eunhee when she wasn’t even his child? 

Soojung had amounted all of that to their friendship, and an assumed guilt because Taemin had cut Jongin — one of his best friends — off his life after Soojung’s pregnancy just to protect her and her wrong choices. She didn’t think she could be so wrong. 

Soojung thinks that she should just listen to Sooyeon. After all, Sooyeon was right, there’s something different in her friendship with Taemin. She just didn’t realize that the difference meant a one-sided love Soojung has been blind to for years.