IT’S TAEMIN WHO DROPS EUNHEE OFF TO DANCE PRACTICE THE NEXT DAY, all because Soojung couldn’t bear to see Jongin’s face after the heart-wrenching meeting they had last night. She’s curious about what he feels, or what he thinks about her and Eunhee now, but she doesn’t want to know all about it at the same time. Knowing whatever Jongin thinks of them would only break Soojung’s heart, as much as she wants to deny that she has one that bears the weight of things far too much for her own good. 

Work today seems to be incredibly slow and every second that she’s waiting for Sooyeon to allow her to be off work makes her even more anxious. It’s been years since Soojung got off her anxiety medicine, but today feels so painful in her chest that she feels like she’s about to reach for her hidden container of anxiety medicine inside her drawer. The only thing stopping her from reaching for it entirely is the thought of being able to go home if her sister sees her suffering a lot. 

Sooyeon, though, seems to be quite numb today as she hasn’t made any signs of recognition towards Soojung’s current situation which only leaves Soojung dazed and out of focus throughout the entire time she’s been at work. Her phone is off for the entire day and the only way she knows that Taemin has picked Eunhee up from school is through his messages in her work email. It’s embarrassing, really, that she chooses to turn her phone off in favor of her work email but she has no choice. Turning her phone on would only increase her anxiety, in case Jongin somehow finds out her number and decides to text her something painful. 

Truth be told, Soojung has had multiple experiences with painful messages from Jongin that she doesn’t want to relive. Judging by the way things are going now, though, she’d rather have those painful messages than deal with the situation at hand now. 

\

BEING SIXTEEN AND PRETENDING TO KNOW EVERYTHING is something Soojung is used to. When Jongin disappears for a week in order to dance at some overseas program for the company, Soojung knows that it’s important for his career, hence the reason why she’s not trying to leave overbearing messages to him the whole time. However, at exactly ten in the morning while Soojung is sitting through the most boring calculus class, Jongin texts her. 

[ from: jongin ] i can’t believe you only ever texted me thrice this whole week. 

[ from: jongin ] u really don’t care when you know i’m anxious as hell over this

The feeling of her hands shaking is something Soojung is not used to, at least, in public. She’d done this before in the privacy of her bedroom, with the thought of her insecurities and the expectations of her family projected upon her. But she’s never done this before in public, where everyone could see. 

She slips through the back door of the classroom with very little trouble. Her professor is still droning on about parabolas and its general form while she slips out with only thoughts about Jongin’s text. 

[ from: soojung ] jongin, i’m so sorry. 

[ from: soojung ] i just thought… you’d need more time to focus by yourself. 

[ from: soojung ] i didn’t want to become a distraction. 

Her breaths echo inside the restroom stall, in and out, in and out, in and out while she anxiously waits for her boyfriend’s reply.

If she knew that it’s what Jongin would have wanted, she would have texted him every single time she misses him. She would have reached for the phone every single time something reminds her of Jongin, yet she finds herself holding back. In fear that she would do more harm than good.

Little does he know that there is so much more she wants to tell him. She wants to tell him about the little kitten she feeds outside the main building of their room. She wants to tell him about Sooyeon’s boyfriend and how her family was caught off guard by the sudden news of their eldest daughter dating. She also wants to tell him that she’s considering becoming a trainee. 

But she doesn’t. She just stays still, unmoving, thinking that maybe her constant presence in Jongin’s life is more of a distraction than a source of inspiration. 

[ from: jongin ] you could never be a distraction soojung. 

[ from: jongin ] i’m sorry i got mad. 

[ from: jongin ] i’ll call you later, ok? 

[ from: soojung ] okay

[ from: soojung ] take care

Everything is supposed to be okay, but there’s this lingering feeling of hurt in Soojung’s chest that she finds herself sobbing in the restroom. All she ever did was to care, but why does it seem like it’s not translating? 

\

THE PREVIOUS YEARS HAD PROVEN THAT SOOJUNG knows how to deal with pain. It’s been a constant during the times where she had to endure raising Eunhee all alone while being a college student. However, those years did not prime her for the possibility of seeing Jongin again and having to explain everything while going through a second hand experience of what she’d done. Soojung thinks it’s almost the same to exposure therapy, but this one is far more painful. 

“You’re awfully quiet today.” Taemin says out of the blue. His voice takes her out of her mind and back into reality. 

Reality is Eunhee playing with the Just Dance on her Xbox; Taemin with his feet up on her coffee table; Sooyeon’s silent treatment that happened just before she went back home; and the impending event of Soojung breaking the news to Eunheee. It’s not inside her head. Not her past filled with what could have beens, and should have beens, and what she felt for Jongin. Most especially not what Jongin made her feel, and not the way she feels like she wants all of it again. 

“I’m sorry. It’s just… things have been too much for me to think about lately.” She smiles apologetically. Usually, Soojung would only give Taemin some kind of sarcastic reply and proceed on with whatever it is that she’d been doing. The fact that she actually apologized to Taemin says something else. 

“Well you know if you don’t want them to be too much, you could share them with anyone else. You know damn well I’m here for you.” There’s a smile on Taemin’s face that’s so oddly comforting. 

Soojung silently thanks him for being there with a smile. 

“I just… don’t know how to tell her.” She looks at Eunhee, and returns her gaze back to Taemin. “It’s just so hard. How could I just casually tell her that her… father is her dance teacher without her asking me too much? Or breaking her trust?” 

“I couldn’t tell you how she’ll feel because my guess is just as good as yours, but just… trust in the process, okay? I’m sure that she’ll still love you.” He says as he places one hand on her shoulder. 

There’s reluctance in her wanting to believe Taemin. Soojung doesn’t know what the workings of a seven-year-old girl’s brain are, but she’s hoping to whichever deity is up there that Eunhee will still love her even after finding out the lie that Soojung has been managing for years. 

She brings out her phone and her mind flashes back to the numerous times wherein she’d text Jongin. All of those times includes butterflies in her stomach, except she doesn’t know if the butterflies in her stomach this time are a result of her being nervous, or if she has any semblance of feelings left for Kim Jongin. 

Soojung is almost fully certain that it’s the first one, mostly because she thinks that all of her feelings for Jongin have died down during the past seven years. Also, she thinks that all of those feelings have been replaced by her need to be with Eunhee all the time. 

It’s hard though, to keep track of one’s feelings when she’s busy keeping track of not only her life, but also her daughter’s. 

[ to: jongin ] i think
[ to: jongin ] it’s time for you to meet her as your daughter
[ to: jongin ] i mean, you’ve already met her 
[ to: jongin ] but like… as a student 
[ to: jongin ] this is like a different thing