It went all so fast she couldn’t refocus her instinct into rational thoughts, and it went all to because of it.

Honestly she wasn’t thinking clearly or with an open mind, all she did hear was the refuse, the sting of pain infiltrating into her bones like a disease. It took her two days to process what she had done and for her mind to assimilate that she was the one with the need to apologize.

But it was late, it seemed.

Sunny wasn’t answering her texts, her calls or invitation to talk. She was desperate, and it was only two days of silence. So her only choice to copy with that was to revive that night over and over, trying to find a solution of the mess she made.

--She was looking at Sunny’s glossy and now slightly swollen from the kiss lips, still trying to reconnect her brain to her body. The other girl was still touching them, a panic look into her eyes. She tried to reach for her again, the urge to calm her down guiding her, only to be kept at arm distance by her shaking hand. It hurt a bit.

“I… I… I am sorry. I don’t know what came over me!” Sunny’s voice was cracking, her breathing still irregular.

“Hey, it’s okay. Everything it’s okay, calm down.” She retried to get near just to be stopped again, her stomach was now fully closed, really bad sensations assaulted her.

“It’s not! None of it is okay! I don’t want it to be like that, to go like that! You are supposed to be only my friend.” She read so much fear and pain into those shining brown eyes, Taeyeon didn’t know how to stop it.

“I am your friend, I am still your friend, this doesn’t change anything. I promise.” Sunny stared at her for long moments and took deep breaths in succession. Now she looked calmer and more composed, her back still leaned on the door and her stare never leaving hers.

“Just be honest with me Sunny, I will be still here with you.” Her words seemed to do miracles because even a hint of a smile could be seen.

But, oh boy, now was the exact time she ed all up. Taeyeon gritted her teeth hard and kept replaying it, like a self-torture.

The other girl got near her herself, making tiny unsure steps, now she was at arm length and was glancing at her hands, a blink and she took one into hers, playing with Tae’s longer fingers as if in a way to ground herself more. Taeyeon let her, knowing perfectly by now how little touches and skin contact calmed the girl down.

“To be totally honest with you, I am confused. I am so confused you can’t even imagine. I like being with so much but I don’t know how I like you. I was trying to sort it out these days but I… like I told you, I am straight…” She started to see red and from that point she lost her power to think, to empathize, to understand.

“Then I was what? An experiment?” She retracted her hand as if it was on live fire and saw clearly something breaking into the other girl face.

“No! You’re not! I just don’t know how to feel.” Now her voice got higher and Taeyeon’s got way lower.

“And to find that out you were playing with me?” Sunny looked at her with open wide in utter shock.

“I never played with you, I care about you!” Brown eyes were shining in the moonlight, teary and terrorized. The girl approached her carefully, brushing her arm, a gentle shade on the curves of her face.

Taeyeon took few steps in reverse, her veins pumping poison into her body. She was fooled, Sunny toyed with her all this time, took her sentiments as a joke, a cruel joke. She felt like crying and screaming or maybe both. Instead she shacked her head, ignoring all the signals the rational part of her brain was sending her.

For a moment those sweet eyes she used to lose herself into got the color of blood, of pain and she felt her heart racing, breaking in two.

“Stop toying with me then! You never cared about me! Leave me in ing peace!” And without looking back she run to her car, starting the engine without raising her head, tears scratching her cheeks to wet her lips, she could still taste cherry on them.

And now it was Monday morning and she was biting her pillow out of frustration, not even ready to get out of bed. Getting her phone still with her eyes closed she prayed Satan and all of his demoniac fellows that Sunny answered her, only to be instantly disappointed. There were Yul and Jess texts of reassurance and blackmails.

Fine, she will talk to her at school.

“You are so stupid, you do realize not everyone got their I am gay or what crisis when they were ten like you?” Taeyeon barely glared at her, not finding it important enough to fight, she was right anyway.

“I know, I ing know now! Can you please not turn the knife into the wound?” Yuri stopped from arguing and embraced her shoulders, nodding softly.

“Alright Frodo, don’t worry too much ok? You’ll explain yourself and she’ll understand, she cares about you, I know that much.” She felt her eyes twitch at the mere thought of confronting Miss President, also she got almost no sleep and she looked the exact copy of one of War Z zombies.

Completely immersed in her auto commiseration moment she missed the first two shoves from Yuri. “Ah, what the hell? What do you want- “The rest of the words dyed in because there she was and she cut her hair.

How did she found the time to go to an hairdresser?

Gone were the hair that almost touched her hips now they barely touched her shoulders, she almost looked her age now and Taeyeon lost enough braincells to function for a week.

“She looks really good with the new haircut.” Yul was still calm while she sensed the panic getting to her. “C’mon go talk to her, you can do it.” And she was shoved, again.

She took a deep breath and walked to the girl she missed so much, even if it was barely two days. Sunny was talking animatedly with a student, her voice firm and explicative, rounding on every word clearly. Maybe it was a foreign student, just arrived from who knows where.

Anyway when she got close enough to call her, the student was gone, and she was repeating into her head what to say, what to don’t say.

Just when she was about to open the girl intercepted her eyes and got frozen in the hallway, her grip on the history book increasing visibly.

Taeyeon could just say: “Hi, nice haircut.” With a stupid, idiotic, lame smile.

Sunny expression remained stoic, as if she was invisible, and that maybe hurt more than being screamed at. She stood there trying to find something in her face that resented yearning or longing but found only rage and stillness.

When moments passed without an answer she talked again: “Look, I am sorry about- “She was immediately cut short.

“You told me to leave you in ing peace, and that is what I am doing. Please now leave me alone too.” She never heard her tone sound so plain, so severe and low. Her heart went wild into her chest thinking that she was so close to losing her.

“I was wrong!” She almost screamed and then cleared , lowering the volume. “I was wrong, I got it all wrong. I got caught in the moment, I am so sorry.” She reversed all her sadness, all her emotions, to make her understand how truly lost she felt.

But Sunny blinked a few times, the initial softness disappeared fast, her eyes becoming stones again.

“You seemed really sure of yourself, and I think you were lucid enough to know what you were saying.” She held the book on her chest, tight, using it as a shield.

The thought procured a twinge into her sternum, she wanted to make her feel safe with her, not in danger.

“I… I didn’t interpret your words right, I got hurt and acted impulsively. I don’t want… I don’t want to be without you. You know how I missed you? And it was only two days?” She extended an hand hoping that it could be an olive branch, she just wanted to see Sunny smile big again, she wanted to hear her voice and do things with her. The girl took few steps away, instead.

“I read your texts, there were a lot of them.” Taeyeon gulped feeling ice insinuating into her bones.

She didn’t know how to respond to that, didn’t know how to act with this stone-cold woman. Her Sunny was warm and soothing as a spring day, and she was understanding, comprehensive, smiling to bright up your day.

The bells ringed scaring the both of them.

“We better go to class, I don’t want to be late and you actually can’t be late.” She started to turn around.

“Wait, wait a moment.” She actually stopped in mid turn and meet her eyes again, Taeyeon shallowed hard. “Can you… can you forgive me? Can we talk again?” Miss President lowered her stare to her shoes, now biting her lips.

“I don’t know, yet.” Then she raised her head and now her eyes were shining a bit, Taeyeon got all her hopes up. “We got rehearsal today, don’t be late.” And she went to class with little fast steps.

She stood there, blinking slowly, now alone in the hallway, watching her Psyche walking away with a hole into her stomach. She just wanted the things to be normal again, to be how they were before.

Taeyeon bite onto her arm, suffocating the scream that wanted to be left out and then went to class.

That was the first time she wasn’t late to rehearsal, she was early even. But that remained the last positive thing of the day.

The chemistry was all wrong and while Sunny stayed perfectly in character she couldn’t. Seeing her eyes shift from deep love to absolutely nothing turned her insides into dust. She didn’t even look at her in their moments of break and when she tried to start a conversation the answer was silence, or maybe few nods.

She hated the silent treatment.

But she took it all, with a smile on her face, because at least she was seeing Sunny, she was listening to her talk with her high-pitched voice and she could get still lost into the romantic fake feeling of their role.

Even the touching scenes, the ones that before seemed so easy for the girl now seemed to make her uncomfortable, she was tense in her arms and not natural in the slightest.

Then when the rehearsal was over she made her move, hoping for a miracle. “So, Jessi and Yuri are coming to my house this afternoon. Join us? Maybe we could talk more too?” She felt like she was begging but her pride needed to get hurt, that was the all point on apologizing. Putting your dignity under the shoes because you got something wrong, you hurt someone and that is far worse than a little of ego compressing.

Especially if that person is one you can’t go on without.

“Hmm, I don’t think so. I need to study and I don’t want to lie to you, I don’t feel like being with you at the moment.” Her voice was soft, her tone not meant to cause any pain but she felt the arrow as if it was real passing her skin. T

aeyeon sighed and nodded before hurrying toward the exit, head low and tears threatening to fall.

Monday really treated her bad, Sunny was looking outside her huge window, hoping for her phone to beep, to vibrate, to do something.

She felt so awful not being able to address Taeyeon in the right way, to being unable to let go of her bruised heart and accept her apologizes. They were honest, felt apologizes too, she knows the girl. She understands how her brain works most of the times, how the fear to being alone and hurt stops her to do many things, or at least she thinks so.

Also she missed her, so much, and her texts helped a lot. She could make her smile even if she was mad as hell, she made her want to hug her even if a part of her brain wanted to strangle her to death.

Alternating her glance to the window, to her cats and to her phone she signed again founding it lifeless. She should’ve gone to Taeyeon’s house that afternoon, even Tiffany told her to go, to talk to her and try to make things right. But she couldn’t, being still deeply hurt by her words.

How dares she to tell her she was merely toying with her feeling, when she couldn’t sleep without her goodnight, when she made the impossible to never damage their friendship!

Doesn’t she know how much I care for her?

Stuffing her face with the first pillow she could find she tried not to cry, to not think about how she wished Taeyeon was there to comfort her.

Because that was the worst of it all, wishing that the person making you cry was there to hold you tight and whisper soft words to calm you down.

She was almost over her last mental breakdown when her phone finally beeped.

So, I am at your house.

I would really like to be all romantic and throw pebbles at your window

But I am super afraid of your Dad shouting me with a gun

Could you gently come down? PLEASE?

Her heart jumped in and not even caring about her ridiculous cats pjs she opened her window to look down. And there she was, Taeyeon leaning on her car in jeans, worn out top and obviously her leather jacket, waving shily at her.

Feeling a bit of rage resurfacing she mouthed: “What the hell are you doing here, at this hour?”

Taeyeon squinted her eyes then held ten fingers high. “It’s only ten pm!”

That made her only madder and whispered again:” What do you want?”

The other girl signaled her to go down to her, a pleading expression on her tiny face. She crossed her arms under her chest and pondered what to do, she was supposed to not give in, but she adored that face, that dimple showing in the middle of a big smile.

Her phone beeped into her hand.

Come on, I am not going to kidnap you.

Scout word.

She snorted and took her face between her hands, signing out loud. She hated the want to go down and let herself being lulled back to normality. She was supposed to be firm and immovable.

This is not blackmailing.

But I got my guitar with me and I will start to serenade you right you, I am ready to be shout at.

Sunny’s eyes got the size of ping pong balls and she immediately glared at the girl waiting for. Taeyeon just nodded, a smug shade on her face, a grin plastered on her lips.

She mouthed angrily:” Don’t you dare! I am coming down.” That nerd had the audacity to grin bigger and look all happy, that was cute and she couldn’t take it right now.

Shuffling to find her slippers and keys she almost ninja ran on the stairs, founding herself outside, and it was a bit chilly for her liking.

That idiot was still smiling, staring at her like she had a Valentino dress and not horrid pinkish pjs with cats all over it.

“Cute pjs.” She wanted to slap her.

“Shut up, what do you want?” She tried to be mean and cruel, her voice couldn’t reach that tone.

Taeyeon gulped and looked at her hands, a blush spreading on her cheeks. “Someone suggested me to do a big gesture, but I am not capable of it, really trust me. So, can I take you somewhere and show something? Please?” She seemed so small, almost scared of her answer.

She couldn’t say no, not when she yearned to be with the other girl.

What if you got hurt again?

Taking a deep breath, observing onyx eyes hang from her lips she nodded. “Alright, but I can’t be too late. We have school tomorrow.” Without waiting for a answer she got into the car, her copilot seat already adjusted to her stature.

“Nothing to worry about Miss President, I am a responsible Knight” And she had the guts to wink at her.

One day I’ll kill her.