Heaven's Gate

inspired by the song Make Heaven Wait by Guy Sebastian

It’s almost 4 years now since you left me.
Every day I woke up and I imagine your sweet face looking back at me. 
How I miss the warmth I felt when you are close to me. 
Do you know that I’ve been alone for as long as I can remember.
I celebrate your birthday every year even if you’re physical self is no longer here again. 
I can still feel you when the lights were off and I can still hear your voice calling my name when there’s a breeze passes me. 
I tell you I love you every night. 
I kissed my pillow and hold it tight because I imagine it was your forehead I kiss and it was your waist I hug tightly. 
I only imagine myself living with you until we’re old and if the angel of death comes I asked the angel to take me first because I don’t know how long will I last without you. 

If you smiled sarcastically, then you don’t know what love is. 
Love is something beyond words could express.
Love is something none of us can truly understand. 
People say when all hopes are lost; we can always turn to love. 
If you asked me what love is I do not have an answer. 
Love is pain people said. I can agree to that too but it is also love that gave me strength to get my feet back up and start walking. 
I would say though love encompasses all feelings. Love is a mixture of not one but more all wrapped in one small space in our heart. 
The emotions that we feel continuously flow just like a raging white river.

4 years is a long time to live without you. I don’t know if I should move on.
I fear that I will forget how you look like. 
I fear that if I do I will not see you in my dreams again. 
You know you were everything to me. 
I could still vividly remember when the doctor said there’s nothing he could do and I should be with you. 
So one last time I sat next to you. 

On your deathbed I could still clearly remember you smile for the last time for me. 
You tell me to go on and live my life. Never to cry and never to have doubts. 

On your deathbed we had our one last kiss. It was soft and sweet. 
It feels like when we kissed for the first time. I will never forget that feeling. 

On your deathbed, I sang for you for the last time. It was shaky because I was crying and as hard as I could to control my emotions I failed desperately. 
I cried even more when you said you are my biggest fan. You have always been and to me you always will. 

On your deathbed, you said your apology because you promised to be with me but you had to go. 
I held your hand and squeezed it I know you’d do the same but you were too weak. 
It hurts me more when I see you in pain from all the treatment. I hope you can rest in peace.

On your deathbed, you asked me to lie beside you and for one last time I have you in my arms. 
I hold you tightly with the hopes the angel would just let me hold you a little longer. 

On your deathbed, you whisper to me and say those three letter word for one last time, 
“Taeyeon-ah, I love you.” 
I can feel your breathing became slower and I knew you left me and gone to heaven when I can no longer feel your warm breath on my ear. 
I will never forget that night when I lost a friend, a wife, and the mother to my child. 
My castle of dreams collapsed like a pyramid of cards the night my love went to heaven. 

You think I’d be miserable? No, you’re wrong. I can’t. 
I made a promise to my love. A promise I intend to always keep. 
I promised her I’d give our child everything she ever needs. 
I’d give her the world, the moon and the stars. Whatever she wants and needs.
I promised her to never let our baby be deprived of love. 
Show her how I feel, how much I love her because she knows I can’t really express myself.
I promised her to tell the story about us. 
How her appa and amma met and fell in love. 
What we’ve been through for the short but meaningful years we’ve spent together. 
Most importantly, I promised her to always remind our daughter how much her amma loves her very much. 
And how she would love to come to her dance recitals, piano performances, be there for her prom, and when she graduate as the honourable valedictorian. 

So Tiffany, here we stand on your grave. Your little Seohyun is now 4 years old. She’s grown more beautiful every day. Today’s your birthday and your daughter made a cupcake to celebrate. Thank goodness she inherited her appa’s talent in cooking but everything else she’s just like you. We sang Happy Birthday and I knew you’d love that. Seohyun cried suddenly and when I asked her why she gave me an answer I myself wished it would be. 

“I wish amma’s still here with us. Appa, why does amma need to go?”

I feel my eyes starts to get foggy but I just held my chest up and acted brave for our little Seohyun even when my own heart is aching. I lowered myself down to her level and said,

“Because God needed an angel and you wouldn’t want to get amma worried, right? So stop crying and give your appa a big smile.”

Seohyun stopped crying and gave me her sweetest smile. She had your eyesmile. Sometimes I saw you in her. I know everything’s not lost because God blessed us with a child in which I also know our love will always be strong. Then, I feel a breeze pass us by. I turned to Seohyun and said,

“Do you feel the wind, Seororo?”

“Yes, appa.”

“It’s your mother saying, I Love You to us.”

Seohyun eyes grew wide with excitement and yelled,

“I LOVE YOU TOO, AMMA!”

And I love you too, Miyoung. 
Until the day I see you in front of heaven’s gate, I hope you wait for me, my love. 
Because I will. 
 

If I could make heaven wait
I'd find a way to ask God
If he had made some mistake
If he saved your wings for another day
If only I could
Make Heaven Wait

END OF STORY