They had been experimenting with dating for a couple of weeks now, if you could call this dating. After the kiss, Suho had been actively avoiding skinship beyond holding hands, and never in public. It was wonderful to have Suho back, though. Maybe Kai would have to make do with a platonic relationship, until death did them part. He was already tormented by his unfulfilled desires, he wasn't sure what another 5 or 10 years would do to him. Suho was forever the gentleman and treated him like a prince, yet Kai constantly felt like he was coming in second to Kaya. Which was silly, since he was Kaya. But it hurt. Their relationship was haunted by a ghost that had never existed. He wasn't sure it would ever go away. Maybe he would be forced to accept second place. It wasn't all bad. Second place also got a medal.

One night Kai surprised himself. He thought he would never have the courage to face the elephant in the room, the pink elephant in ballet shoes called Kaya, but after a movie date where Suho abandoned his hand well before the end of the movie, he was so frustrated the words just came out.

“Do you even want to be here?” Kai blurted out when the car came to a stop in front of his house.

“What do you mean?” Suho's kind eyes stared at him in shock, taken aback by his sneak attack.

“Do you really want to date me? Or are you just doing it to feel close to Kaya?” Kai's voice faltered, cracking at the mention of Kaya. He regretted the question instantly. He didn't want to know the answer. Why was he so greedy? Why couldn't he just be happy with what little Suho gave him? It was better than nothing.

“Honestly...” Suho's eyes darted down, glued to the floor of the car. Oh no, not honesty. Kai didn't want honesty. He wished he could take it all back, restart the evening and be content with being able to sit side by side with Suho and experience life with him. That was enough. That had to be enough.

“...I'm not sure.” Suho confessed. The words cut through Kai's heart like a sharp dagger.

“What do I have to do to make you sure?” Kai whispered.

Suho sighed, still staring at the floor.

“I mean, you were jealous the other day at all the guys who brought me flowers after the performance, weren't you?” Kai tried to fight for his position as Suho's boyfriend.

“Yeah... I think so...” Suho nodded hesitantly. “I don't want you to date anyone else.” he added with more determination.

“So you don't want to date me, but no one else can date me either? So you want me to be alone? Isn't that too cruel?!” Kai's lower lip quivered.

“You're right... you should find someone to date that's better than me, you deserve that. You should be with someone who's sure he wants you for you.” Suho hung his head.

Kai's blood boiled. He was so mad he couldn't see straight. He couldn't believe his own ears.

“Fine! I'll do that then!!” he spat at Suho and jumped out of the car, slamming the door shut as forcefully as he could.

Instead of going home, he hailed a taxi and went straight to a gay club. He knew it was childish, but he took a selfie in front of it and sent Suho. He nearly ran into the bouncer, he was in such a hurry to enter the club and get on with his life. He was popular with the boys. He didn't need a tease like Suho to constantly break his heart. Good riddance! Tonight he was finally going to free himself from the toxic hold Suho had on him and sleep with some hot new thing.

Once inside, he dove into the crowd on the dance floor and took another selfie of himself being held by two incredibly handsome guys and sent it to Suho right away. To hell with decency, he was going to sleep with them both and send Suho a play by play in picture form. How was that for revenge!

One of the guys' hand snuck itself around Kai's neck, pulling his face towards his lips. Every single cell in Kai's body sobered up right then and there, the anger dissipating faster than it had appeared. What was he doing? He didn't want to kiss this guy. The only one he wanted to kiss was Suho. And if he couldn't kiss him, he didn't want to kiss anyone.

He pushed the guy away and worked hard to escape the bundle of dancing people, running out the door, not stopping until he had reached his house. His lungs hurt, his heart hurt, everything hurt. He checked his phone in the elevator. Suho had seen the pictures, but there was no reply. Kai had ruined everything. It wasn't like he hadn't seen how hard Suho was working to try and make this work between them. And no matter how hard it was for Suho, he still didn't stop trying. Kai was the one who was the quitter. He felt awful.

He exited the elevator like a deflated balloon, forcing his legs to carry him down the corridor to his door. They came to a screeching halt. They had found Kai's door alright, but that wasn't the only thing they had discovered.

On the floor in front of his door sat Suho, his face wet and swollen from crying too hard. Kai's stomach twisted into a pretzel. He could feel his eyes getting watery. How unoriginal were they, copying Suho's puffy eyes. Suho looked up and their eyes met. Suho's lips quivered for a moment, before another wave of tears burst out. Kai sat down beside him and put his arm around him. Suho cried into his shoulder for a good while, before timidly asking “Did you...?”.

“I didn't. I didn't do anything. I couldn't. I'd rather do nothing with you, than do anything with somebody else.” Kai confessed earnestly.

Suho's head sprang up and before Kai knew, they were kissing. It was a salty kiss, full of tears, yet it was the warmest, most intimate kiss Kai had ever experienced.

And this time there was no mention of Kaya.