It had been two weeks.

The longest two weeks of Kai's life.

He hadn't had any contact with Suho whatsoever. He had tried calling him but there was no answer. He had tried going to his apartment but there was no one home. And in the end he caved, and tried to ambush him at work, but his secretary said he was on vacation. Desperate, and with the help of Taemin's connections, he had even tracked down his aunt, but she had no idea where he could be. He had disappeared from the face of the planet. It was starting to feel like he had imagined it all, that there had never been a Suho, that he had just made him up. Maybe he had dreamed it, his brain sticking together excerpts from various TV dramas he had seen. It wasn't hard to believe, since Suho had always seemed too good to be true.

At first he had been devastated. He had cried until he vomited, and then continued to cry until the dehydration dried up all his tears. He spent a couple of days balled up under the covers, whimpering while eating nothing but ice cream, day and night. But even though Suho was gone, life continued. The seconds ticked by, one by one, slowly but surely. He couldn't give up his whole life to be sad, so he found a way to be sad while living it. He showed up to class, everyday like clockwork. He did the work. He honored all his duties. He ate to sustain his body, even though he had no appetite. But his heart wasn't in it. It was empty. There was a permanent pout stuck to his heart and lips, and it wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

This was his new life. It was the same life as he had before Suho, but everything was in black and white now. Suho had drained all the color from it.

As he often did when he was down, he opened the KaKaoTalk messaging app on his phone and scrolled down, selecting the icon that said 'Baek'. Baekhyun had changed his profile picture twice since he checked it last, and he hadn't even noticed it. Suho had made him forget about him, completely. He was amazed, for he was first now realizing it. He opened the chatroom and scrolled to the beginning of the conversation, reading it for the millionth time, but it didn't have the same effect as usual. His heart didn't care. It was like he was reading someone else's conversation. This wasn't him anymore. This was old Kai. New Kai didn't care. He was over him. He was finally over Baek. Something he had been praying would happen for years, giving up hope that it ever would. But it did. The Baek-hole in his heart had been filled. Only to be replaced by an even bigger Suho-crater, which was much wider and much, much deeper. It went right through his heart, preventing it from beating properly. It physically hurt to think about him.

Instead of exiting the chatroom, he selected 'Settings' and scrolled down until he saw the yellow button 'Leave Chatroom'. He had spent many hours staring down that button, never having the guts to press it. But tonight, he didn't care. He didn't even hesitate. He just pushed it. And that was that. No more Baek.

He opened Suho's chatroom, intending to do the same. He didn't need a boyfriend. It was better to spend life alone. That way no one could hurt him. He found that yellow button, that was so brightly offering him a way out. A life without complications. Love wasn't worth the hurt. He was going to leave it all behind. His finger hovered over the button. He closed his eyes, clenching his teeth as he edged the finger closer and closer to the screen. But his finger just pushed the back-button, showing him the endless messages he had sent Suho just after it happened, trying to explain, trying to put into words just how sorry he was. But Suho hadn't even seen them, let alone answered them. He had started to despise that tiny yellow letter '1' that had stuck itself next to all of his message bubbles and refused to leave. He wanted it gone. But it never left. It just stood its ground, mocking him.

He sighed deeply and was going to resist the urge to leave another unseen message, when suddenly, all the '1's disappeared. Kai gasped, jumping up. He turned the light up on his screen and peered his eyes, to see if it was really gone or if he was just losing his eyesight. There was nothing there. Omg, there was nothing there! Suho was back! He had seen his messages!! He was reading them right now!

Not able to breathe, he just stared at the bottom of the screen, waiting impatiently for him to finish reading and send him a reply. Any time now. In just a moment, Suho was going to tell him he understood why he did it, that he forgave him, and that he didn't care that he was a guy and just wanted to be together forever. He was writing it right now. Kai tried to will it to happen. It was going to happen. It had to happen.

An hour later, and he was still standing there, staring at his phone. There was no message. No nothing. Suho had seen all his messages and read them all. He just didn't care. Kai had sworn not to cry another tear over him, but he couldn't stop them from throwing themselves down his cheeks. Apparently he had convinced himself that Suho had gone on a vacation to a deserted island with no wifi, and that was why he hadn't checked his messages. And he had been waiting this whole time for him to come back, holding his breath, going through life on autopilot, believing that once he returned, everything would just figure itself out and things would be good again. It had been really naive and foolish, but it had been the only way for him to be able to get through the day.

He collapsed onto the bed, assuming the fetal position, looking through old selfies they had taken together. He wished he had taken more photos of him while he still could. He couldn't hold back any longer. He went back to the chatroom, typing in 'I miss you.' and sending it, instantly regretting it as he started another staring contest with that despicably yellow '1'.

He threw the phone to the other side of the bed, only to jump right after it and checking if Suho had seen the message. He hadn't. This went on half the night, until he was exhausted enough to cry himself to sleep.

A few days later he was home, spending another night hugging the ice cream container. His dance instructor had noticed the weight he had put on and told him to go on a diet. He was going to start tomorrow. Tonight, he needed this ice cream. There was nothing in the world he needed more.

There was a knock on the door.

Strange. He hadn't ordered any food, and Taemin was the only one who came to visit him unannounced and he had a key, and wasn't afraid to use it. Maybe he was so far gone, that he had started ordering pizza without even remembering having done it.

He stood up and went to the door, reluctantly opening it. He had only opened it half a sliver when his heart punched his chest. He swung the door open, speechless. He just stood there, staring at that most welcome of all visitors.

“Hey.” Suho gave him a weird, super awkward wave.

Kai didn't know what to say or how to act.

“Hey.” he whispered, not daring to look him into the eyes.

“Can I … come in?” Suho asked softly.

Kai nodded and stepped to the side, letting him in.

Suho headed straight for the sofa, sitting down on the far corner, squished up to the sofa arm. Kai was in complete shock, his heart was doing a mile a minute. Trying to regulate his breathing, he went to sit on the other end of the sofa. He didn't dare sit too close, even though what he wanted more than anything was to throw himself into his arms and beg for forgiveness until he gave it to him.

For a while, they just sat there in silence. Kai wanted Suho to have the first word, but when he said nothing, he fumbled around his brain for something to say.

“Ehm.. do you eh.. want something to drink?” he asked like an idiot. It was the only thing he could come up with on such short notice.

“I miss her.” Suho said almost inaudibly.

“What?” Kai did a double take. That was not what he had been expecting him to say. Water, coffee, tea. That was the range of answers he was prepared for.

“I miss her.” he repeated a tiny bit louder, and sadder.

“But... I am her. She is me.” Kai pointed out, hurt.

“I know.” he said, the disappointment in his voice cutting through Kai's heart like a knife. “I know. But I can't get used to it. It's not the same. You're Kai. You're not Kaya.” he hung his head.

“She's gone.” he added in a heartbroken whisper.

“They're both me. You might just see Kai on the outside, but Kaya, she's in here. She didn't go anywhere. She's right here.” he pointed at his heart. His voice was shaking. This was the hardest conversation he had ever had to take part in. He was trying his best to keep his cool, because they needed to talk, but it was really hard not to burst into tears, begging for mercy.

“Huh.” Suho noticed the ring on Kai's finger.

“Yeah, I put it on that night, and I'm not taking it off until you explicitly tell me to. I don't want to give up on us.” he told him firmly. He wanted to tell him how much he loved him, but he didn't want to come on too strong. Suho looked like a shifty gazelle, prepared to run away at any moment at maximum speed.

“Why did you do it?” Suho asked dryly, looking away. “Was it funny to test just how stupid I could be? Did you laugh a lot?” he asked bitterly.

“You didn't read my messages?” Kai asked, surprised. He had explained everything in excruciating detail. He had tried to explain that he had never intended to hurt him, that it was a really stupid joke and he really wanted to tell him, and that he didn't because he had been afraid to loose him.

“I read them.” he said, without elaborating further.

“I'm sorry. I'm so so so incredibly sorry. You don't even know.” Kai's voice cracked. He couldn't hold back the tears any longer. They came rushing out. “I never meant to hurt you. I love you.” the words just poured out on their own.

Suho sighed, shifting in his seat.

After a while, Suho's hand shot out with a fresh handkerchief in it. He handed it to him without looking at him. Kai took it, making sure his hand brushed slightly up against Suho's. Maybe a little skinship could make him realize that he was the same person he fell in love with, or stir something in him. At least his heart hadn't completely turned into stone. He cared enough to give him his handkerchief. He gently dried his face with it, making him feel a little bit closer to Suho. It smelled like him.

“Keep it.” Suho said when he tried to give it back to him. Kai had wanted to use it as an excuse to touch him again. Disheartened, he had no idea what to do next.

There was silence.

Kai started getting scared that he would leave.

“Where did you go?” he blurted out.

“Nowhere. I just needed to get away.” Suho said, not giving any openings for further questions.

“Away from me?” he pouted.

Suho just let out a deep sigh.

“You never suspected anything?” he asked hesitantly. It was perhaps not the best idea to dive right into the hard questions, but he was really curious and he couldn't think of anything else to say.

Suho shrugged. He looked really tired. That vacation had not done him any favors. The tidy, perfectly put together Suho was no more, the Suho sitting next to him looked like he had been to hell and back, all disheveled and exhausted.

“I don't know. I didn't think so.. but I've been thinking about it, and thinking about it... and now I'm not so sure. Not consciously at least. Subconsciously, maybe. That night at the club, it felt a bit weird.” he confessed. It wasn't a very clear answer, but the fact that he had given him an answer at all meant that on some level he was ready to talk about it.

“But isn't there a slight possibility...” Kai was pushing it, but he needed to push it. He needed to know that he had done everything he could to hold on to Suho, even if it resulted in pushing him further away. “I mean... you said it yourself, you've never found a girl you really like... and you were clearly attracted to me... I mean, they were girl-clothes, but it was still me under all of that and me that you were attracted to... isn't there a remote possibility that you might be... gay.” he ended the sentence ultra softly, making his voice sound like a fluffy cloud to soften the impact. “It's not a death sentence, you know. It's not some chronic illness. I mean, it's not something anyone wishes to be, but it's not the worst thing in the world.”.

Suho sat there, frozen, letting Kai's words sink in.

“I don't know.” he finally said, sounding really lost.

“Maybe, we could try being just friends.” he suggested.

“I don't want to be just friends.” Kai objected. He knew he should take whatever he could get, but he just didn't have the confidence and the mental strength it took to go back to being friends. They wouldn't even be going back, since they had never been friends in the first place. No. He didn't want to be all vague and wishy washy about this. He wanted to be completely honest. There had been enough lies. Now was the time for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

“We can take it as slow as you need, while you're getting used to the idea. I'm talking snail speed. Or sloth speed! Or anything that goes so slow you can hardly see it's moving.” he offered, hopeful. He slid half a closer to him on the sofa. While Suho was pondering his words, Kai ever so slowly reached out his hand and gently placed it on top of Suho's, which was lying motionless on the sofa cushion.

“I can't do this!” Suho jumped up and stormed out, leaving him in pieces with no one to pick them up.