“I-I’m sorry” these are the only words that escaped Mina’s mouth after the intense and burning kiss. Momo could not understand why she’s apologizing. She wanted to ask, she wanted to know what’s going on through her mind. But she lost all the courage to ask when she felt the invisible wall the younger built between them. The ride back to the inn is nothing similar with their commute earlier. When she thought they are one step closer, it turned out they are becoming distant. The coldness is becoming more apparent and the sunset is painting the sky darker. She looked outside the window of the bus sitting right behind Mina. I’ve always looked at your back before, but seeing it now makes it more unbearable.

They arrived at the inn, Mina went straight to their room, without even looking back at her. She let the younger alone in the room and went straight to Sana to check on her. At the third knock, the door opened. “Oh you’re back, how’s the trip?” Jihyo asked letting her inside the room.

“I-it’s fine I guess. Here I brought some tangerines”. Jihyo went outside to give the two some time to talk. Momo looked at the direction of Sana whose sitting on the bed. She sat beside her and put her palms on the younger’s forehead. “Are you feeling okay?” Sana nodded. “I’m feeling better now, have you eaten?” she asked. Momo just nodded even though she hasn’t eaten at all, she doesn’t have appetite and her mind’s occupied by thoughts of Mina.

Sana is not insensitive; she knew something is going on. It bothers her that Momo is keeping everything from her, they used to share each other’s secret, but now, it’s different. She thought, even best friends that grow together, they are meant to grow apart eventually. But she refuses to dwell on these thoughts, her 10-year-old self swore to be with the girl until her bone breaks, until everything fades. She turned her face to Momo looking straight into her brown orbs. She held her hands and rub them gently. “You know that you can always tell me everything, right?” she assured her. Momo nods and smiled close lipped. “Sana..” tears are threatening to fall in the older’s eyes. “why does it hurt so much?” Momo burst into tears. She could no longer contain the tears she’s trying to hold. Sana hugged her, rubbing her back. Momo cried hard in front of Sana, so hard that she didn’t notice Sana’s tears.

++

Momo fell asleep beside Sana, tugging herself in the younger’s embrace, finding her peace. They are two broken souls finding comfort with each other. Sana closed her eyes, trying to sleep the pain away, trying to be contented of what she has, what they have.

Mina is alone in the other room. Limbs spread out, facing the ceiling in this dim-lighted space. She could not sleep. She took a glimpse of the empty bed beside her thinking about the older. There’s a tug in her heart, noticing the absence of Momo. Memories of earlier flashing through her head.

Mina is consumed by fear. Fear of hurting someone special to spare herself from pain. Fear of using Momo to protect herself. She’s becoming more and more greedy. She’s afraid of this sudden turn of events. It was like yesterday when she couldn’t see herself having fun, but now she’s too attached and finding comfort with someone who doesn’t deserve to be hurt. She’s afraid when she saw Momo’s eyes, those warm eyes that is looking at the future, with her. And it hit her, it hit her hard, and she feels sorry for being so unsure of herself. She doesn’t want Momo to be involved with her complicated self. She has to put an end or everything will be more of a mess.

++

It was five in the morning and today is end of the Chuseok festival as well as their stay at Jeju-do. Momo went to the room she shared with Mina, to pack her things. She saw the younger just finished the bath dressed in flannel and black shorts. Hair is still dripping. Momo just bowed acknowledging her presence and went straight to the closet to collect her things. Momo’s eyelids were still heavy due to the last night’s crying. She wanted to talk to the younger but this invisible wall is hard to break. Mina is not even looking at her.

“Mina.. we’ll just wait for you outside when you’re done packing.” Momo tried to be calm and casual in front of Mina, ignoring the heavy atmosphere between them. It breaks her heart seeing them like this.

++

Thanks to Jihyo, everything seems fine in their way to the airport. She usually talks to Mina so she won’t feel left out because she noticed that Mina is distancing herself from them. Sana and Momo are walking side by side quietly. Fortunately for Mina, she is seated beside Jihyo at the plane so she wouldn’t have these inner battles for being with Momo.

The flight lasted for more than an hour but it feels like forever for Mina. Even though she’s not beside her, knowing that she’s just in front of her, inches away, is enough to feel uneasiness, if only she could reset everything, she would. It doesn’t help when they arrived at Seoul and Momo grabbed one of her bags helping her carry them. She wanted to take it back but Momo insists to help her.

Momo offered to accompany her to her dorm to help her with her things. Sana and Jihyo went together riding the cab. Mina find it hard to reject the older even though she wanted to be alone.

Riding the cab, they are both seated at the back. Momo is fidgeting in her seat. She doesn’t know how to make this better. Mina is staring outside the car window, in deep thoughts.

They arrived at the front of Mina’s dorm carrying her luggage. Momo stood there waiting for the younger to speak. But she heard nothing.

“Aren’t you going to say something?” Momo said sounded like a plead. Mina stopped in her tracks. And again, she lost all the walls she’s built up until now to avoid Momo. This is too much to hold. Still not looking back, Mina blurted.

“Sometimes I wonder why you stay with me”

Momo clasped her hands on Mina’s shoulder, turning the younger to face her. She looked at her closely.

“Because I care about you” she said with furrowed brows. Her voice is broken.

“I think it will be better if you don’t get too close…”

Those words were like venom. Suddenly her heart felt heavy and her knees weak. She lost her grip on Mina’s shoulder and watch her turned her back again. As much as she tries to hold it in, drops of tear started to fall down one after another without a sign of stopping. She could not understand this situation.

Then it sinks in, Mina is shutting her off.

++

I’m sorry for the short update. 3