August 

“Kibum it’s your turn to say the prayers.”

He snapped out of his trance at the mention of his name. 

He was spacing out at the dinner table.

“Oh, ah sorry...I was just thinking about something.” He said responding to his mother with a forced smile.

Yes, he was thinking. Thinking about something dangerous. At least it was dangerous to think about it in his home.

He was thinking about Jonghyun.

“Thinking about what sweetheart?” She asked suspiciously.

“Just bible study last Sunday. That’s all.” He smiled.

A fake smile.

“Oh! It must have been inspiring seeing as you’re still thinking about it days later.” She said cheerily.

He nodded stiffly.

He only said something like that to get his mother off of his back. 

She often pestered him and it worked his last nerves.

He didn’t like lying to her. Lying was a sin,  his mother often reminded him.

“The prayer Kibum.” His father said.

“Right...” Kibum began nervously.

Kibum was born into a strict and religious family. He abided by his parents rules at all times, never questioning them or expressing his true thoughts. He never missed a day at church, every Sunday he was there. He had no choice.

He didn’t even want to know the consequences of him not making it to church.

But to his parents he had been the perfect son. 

So they thought. They had no idea he was gay or that Jonghyun, whom they assumed was his best friend, was actually his boyfriend.

It was a secret from everyone except his inner circle of friends. And that’s exactly how he wanted it.

If his parents ever found out they would probably try to put him through therapy and make him go to church more than once a week. It was possible that they would even disown him. Or maybe even worse.

Kibum starting realizing he was gay at the beginning of high school his freshman year. He knew something was ‘wrong’ with him during his puberty stage when he didn’t look at slim waist and short skirts but instead strong arms and six packs. 

He knew something was really wrong when those things were attached to his best friend.

Jonghyun has been openly gay since the moment he met him. 

At first he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to be friends with him as he learned in church that homouality was wrong. 

But Jonghyun was so nice and friendly to him, he had found out the stories he heard of gay people being ill and mentally unstable untrue.

Nothing was wrong with Jonghyun.

But something was wrong with him.

It was fine when other people were gay, but it couldn’t be him. Not him. Anyone but him.

But he couldn’t help but blush whenever Jonghyun held his hand or hugged him. He couldn’t help but smile widely when he called him cute names or asked to just hang out with just the two of them. Jonghyun was touchy with everyone and he thought the way Jonghyun touched him was normal, and figured it was apart of his personality and not because he was gay.

But not only was homouality wrong to him, Jonghyun was his best friend! 

The whole situation was just so wrong. But not to Jonghyun.

He remembered the day Jonghyun confessed to him this summer, begging him to give them a try and forget about his values and what his parents taught him.

It was easy for him to say as he didn’t have a religion to believe in and his parents were accepting. Kibum couldn’t throw aside what he was taught and raised in.

Kibum had expressed his strange feelings to Jonghyun and only him at the time. Explaining to him that he too might be gay.

He comforted him when he cried at his confession. 

He told him nothing was wrong with how he felt but Kibum was going through denial.

He told Jonghyun everything that ran through his mind, everything except about his crush on him...

But after his confession to him he notice how Jonghyun became even more touchy than before and would request alone time more often with each other than with the whole group. It even felt like he was taking him out on dates sometimes. 

He didn’t like that.

 He didn’t like it because it fueled his crush for him even more.

Besides him being gay wrong he also didn’t want an unrequited love.

What were the odds of Jonghyun liking him back?

Apparently the odds were great.

Jonghyun begged him to let him take him to the fair that was in town with just the two of them. 

Jonghyun bought him plushies and food and followed Kibum around like a lost puppy willing to do whatever he wanted. He even suggested going on rides that were obviously for couples. It felt like a date. 

Towards the end of the night Kibum questioned his actions asking why he was acting this way.

He simple response was “How oblivious are you? I obviously like you.” 

His answer hit him like a ton of bricks.

He wasn’t sure whether to be happy or devastated.

His crush liked him back! But if he reciprocated the feelings back he would have to finally acknowledge that he was gay.

He stared at him blankly at his confession not showing any signs of how he felt.

He could see the overwhelming signs of sadness and disappointment on Jonghyun’s face at his lack of reaction.

He couldn’t get any words out of his mouth beside “um”.

He started feeling light headed and couldn’t think straight. All he could think about was his parents. The mere thought made him tear up, scaring the boy in front of him. 

But he his sudden action confused Jonghyun.

He hugged Jonghyun tightly. Said boy wasn’t sure what to think of his reaction but hugged him back. When he felt Kibum shake his head and heard him sniffle he hugged him tighter.

He took Kibum’s hands in his and told him to think about himself only and not think about his parents. Think about what he wanted for himself, what would make him happy.

Jonghyun showed up to his place more often after they started dating.

His parents actually like Jonghyun the most out of his friends because he came around the most. 

Little did his parents know that Jonghyun just put up a good facade. 

He was always extra respectful and polite and kissed their asses at times. He even went to church with him and his family to further win their hearts. He also claimed that his own church was on the other side of town so he couldn’t show up at Kibum’s every Sunday.

Kibum’s house wasn’t usually the hangout spot. They couldn’t act as freely as they wanted with his parents around.

But whenever he did come over Kibum had strict rules.

They were in no way to act like they were a couple, even in the comfort of Kibum’s room. Absolutely no touching. He didn’t want it to lead anywhere. He was scared his parents would barge in.

It actually took a month until they had their first kiss because Kibum was so paranoid that someone would catch him and tell his parents.

For a while in public they didn’t hold hands or even hug like they used too. It took a while before Kibum even agreed to let Jonghyun to take him out on their first official date. It frustrated Jonghyun to no end but he liked Kibum so much he was willing to go through this with him.

They told the whole group after a couple of weeks when Kibum felt comfortable enough to admit he was gay.

The three stared at them questionably wondering if they were telling the truth because they never acted as a couple.

The first month Kibum acted so strangely around his boyfriend Jonghyun questioned him and asked if he even really liked him.

He felt bad for making it seem like he was dragging him on.

Kibum explained that he did feel the same but he was afraid to acknowledge what he had become.

They spent hours talking about how they felt and what they should do. It didn’t go by without Kibum crying into his hands and shaking his head as Jonghyun watched with his heart slowly breaking.

But in the end Kibum couldn’t deny his strong affections for him.

He finally let Jonghyun take him out, but it was a couple cities over (where he was sure he wouldn’t run into anyone he knew).

They went to dark places where people wouldn’t notice them much, like the movie theatre and a dimly lit restaurant to ease Kibum’s paranoia.

Even though Kibum was awkward with his affection and was nervous most of the time, that night was truly one of the best nights of his life.

He finally did something that made him happy. The thought of his parents on the back burner for once.

And they shared their first kiss that night.

Because of his upbringing he was usually quiet and kept his thoughts and opinions to himself. He was very shy but Jonghyun tried to help him come out his shell. Although he did done things against his parents wishes. He even snuck out a few times and lied to his parents of his whereabouts. He felt like he was living two lives sometimes.

Jonghyun always gave him the love and supported he needed. He always gave him the encouragement he needed to get through the day. 

What had he been without him before?

Despite his feelings for him he still couldn’t help but struggle with himself more often then not. And as the weeks went by and the stronger his feeling for Jonghyun became, the more paranoid he became. 

He had these periods of time where he would distance himself from his boyfriend and became overly paranoid and anxious.

In recent weeks his relationship with his parents became a bit strained which resulted in his relationship with his boyfriend to become strained. 

And Jonghyun felt it. 

And Kibum knew he felt it. 

But he couldn’t help it.

“Sweetheart?” His mother called over the silent dinner they been having. They didn’t talk much unless it was about church.

“Yes mother?” Kibum responded with a fake smile.

“Your youth group at church is having a bible study at church Saturday. You’ll be going, right Kim Kibum?” She asked. But it wasn’t really a question. More of a demand.

Kibum screamed internally. 

He made plans with Jonghyun Saturday. And whenever he went to church it wasn’t for a couple of hours. It was the whole day.

Now he would be stuck in church for two days straight. And he would have an upset boyfriend to greet. Great.

“Yes of course.” He responded.

His mother and father nodded their heads approvingly.

Church always came first.