Trigger warning: Mention of death 

August

“Taemin? Taemin?!”

Said boy whipped his head around.

“H-huh? Oh...sorry dad...I didn’t hear you...” Taemin said monotoned. 

He just got back from school and walked through the door unknowingly passing by his father and not noticing his presences. He wasn’t usually home around this time.

“It’s alright...how was school today?” His father asked with a concerned look on his face. He tried to make up for it with a small smile.

“Fine.” He replied robotically before walking upstairs to his room leaving his father more and more worried.

Taemin couldn’t help it, he was still getting used to this.

Getting used to going to school.

Getting used to going to coming home.

Getting used to staying at home alone.

Everyone around him was getting used to it.

The funeral was a month go.

The last thing he expected was to start his high school experience without his mother.

It started with a few coughs here and there.

Then blood starting coming up.

Her hair started falling out. 

She felt weak. She looked sick.

He learned what Cancer was in the sixth grade.

He watched his family crumble apart.

His mother was fighting to stay alive.

His father worked his off to provide for the family and take care of his mother.

His older brother grew distance.

What could he do?

He grew more attached to his mother the last few years of his life. He had always been a mama’s boy, and he knew he was going to loose her soon. He rarely left her side.

He remembered coming home from middle school and her having coughing fits. Just thinking it was the common cold as it lasted for a couple of weeks. 

Once they got severe he and his brother started questioning their father and what was happening to their mother. His fathers  answers were unsure and unhelpful.

Til this day he didn’t know if he’s father knew what was going on and refused to them at the time or his mother kept it a secret from everyone in the household until she revealed it.

All he remembered was coming home from school ready to complain about how his teachers gave him too much homework. He was skinny and lanky then with a heavy backpack filled with necessary and unnecessary items that weighed him down. Not much change since then, excepts his hair is a little longer.

He rushed through the door begging his mother to help him with six grade math that he just couldn’t get. He ran his mouth a mile a minute about how school was when she asked him. She sat him down and began helping him. His father was still at work and his brother Taesun just got back from his high school heading straight up to his room like the angsty teenager he was at the time.

Everything was normal that day.

It wasn’t until later in that evening after dinner did his mother sit the whole family down to have a talk.

They were huddled up in the living room wearing concerned looks. They never usually did things like this.

It wasn’t until the atmosphere changed from impatience to dead silence and tensed when his mother mutter the word.

Cancer.

He remembered repeating the word over and over on his tongue, unsure of what it was or what it meant. But he figured it was bad since his fathers face went stone cold and his brothers eyes watered as he held his head in his hands.

His mother took him to his room to explain to him separately what it was. It didn’t understand how big of an impact it would have on him years later.

He understood she was extremely sick and would be needing his patience and cooperation for the upcoming months. 

He would do anything for his mother, he couldn’t deny her.

As the year went by he saw her getting worse and worse. 

She had to quit her job as an elementary school teacher. She preferred to stay in bed most days. She threw her food up and barely manage to walk around the house.

His father tended to her every need when needed but he also watched his brother grow more and more distance towards everyone. All he did was stay in his room blasting music.

Taemin felt like he was own his own at a certain point.

He learned how to do his own laundry, he picked up more house chores, he had to work on his homework by himself.

He tried learning how to cook but almost started a fire on the stove so his father made an effort to come home an hour early to make food for him before he tended for his mother.

When his eighth grade year came he started going outside less to play, he hung out less with his group of friends. He helped pick up some responsibilities his father had that pertained to his mother.

He started going with her to chemo therapy and doctors appointments.

Every time he went, his mother would gush over how thankful she was for him and how much of a good boy he was. She never ceased to brag about her family to people. She bragged about how loving her husband was, how Taesun was starting college soon and even at her small doctors visit she would tell the doctors and nurses all about Taemin. He loved it.

Any attention from his mother, he loved it. He loved her.

They were at the doctors so often the workers there started to know him by name.

But that wasn’t a good thing.

The appointments became more frequent. Why wasn’t his mother getting any better?  Why did she look more sickly than two years ago? Wasn’t the chemo working?

Realization didn’t hit him until towards the ending of his middle school years. 

He was going to loose him Mom.

She never said it. She never hinted at it.

She always said, ”Mommy’s going to get better”. 

And he believed it, well he used to.

The whole summer before he started high school he stayed cooped up in the house and the hospital tending to her.

His father grew more and more emotional and his brother was rarely seen.

He couldn’t remember the last time he saw his father smile or the last time he had a conversation with his brother that lasted more than ten minutes.

His family was falling apart, there wasn’t anything he could do.

Towards the end of her life she stayed in the hospital. Everyone knew what was going to happen. No one said it, but they knew.

He stayed every night refusing to leave her side. He bought a change of clothes and usually showered at the hospital.

His mother begged him to go out with his friends for one day, she hated seeing him like this. She felt like she was taking away his childhood and innocence by having him care for her 24/7. He didn’t even plan anything for his 14th birthday in July to his parents and friends disappointment.

Upon constant request he went out one night with his group of friends. Jinki picked him up and they went out to the movies and to play games. It was fun, he hadn’t been out in a while.

The constant reminder of his mother being in the hospital sick while he was out having fun did weigh on his mind a lot.

When the fun had to come to an end he let Jinki drop him off at home. He wanted to go to the hospital to spend the night with her but he didn’t want to make Jinki drive further out than he had too.

He regretted that decision.

He woke up early with the intentions of taking the bus to the hospital. He was surprised to see his dad still home and not at work and Taesun sitting at the kitchen table with him.

No one said a word as he wandered around the kitchen to get himself a bowl of cereal before he left.

It wasn’t until he was halfway done with his breakfast did his father speak up.

The funeral was small but nice. Close family members and friends showed up. Jinki, Jonghyun, Kibum, and Minho were by his side the whole time.

He couldn’t really re-call the whole thing. It went by as a blur. 

He remembered looking to his left and watching his father cry loudly. He looked to his right and saw his brother sobbing. He had never seen his dad or brother cry.

But why wasn’t he? Why wasn’t he crying? 

They sat in the first row, he was slumped in his chair with his arms folded.

He cried the morning the news was first broken to him, but why not now?

He turned around to see everyone in tears, even his friends.

When he started high school he had a new routine.

Usually his mother would take him to school as she would be on the way to her class to teach.

She would pick him up from school on the way from her job. 

He was used to being home with her after school and talking about their day together.

Now he took the train to school. 

He took it back.

And he was home alone we came from school.

His father was at work and his brother went off to college.

He was alone.

His friends asked to hang out with him as they hadn’t seen him much over the summer. Sometimes one of them would bombard their way into his home knowing he was alone and needed to socialize. He never said it out loud but he hated being alone, and even when he said he wanted to be alone. They knew this.

They noted changes in him. He was way more quieter and secretive. He wasn’t as willing to hang out with everyone like he used to be.

The most notable thing was his performance in school. It was only the first month in and he wasn’t doing well. He wasn’t motivated.

His mother wasn’t their to help him with math anymore, what was the point in trying?

But they believe he would get his act together soon, he was in the process of mourning. They tried not to bother or ask to many question. Which he was thankful for.

He just wasn’t feeling like doing anything. He wasn’t motivated.

But this weird feeling would go away soon, he wouldn’t be like this forever, right?

“I came home early to make us a nice dinner Taemin-ah. Would you like that?” His father called from downstairs. 

Taemin was only halfway up the stairs when he heard this.

“That’s fine.” Taemin said hearing him but not listening. 

It wasn’t until he heard the constant chanting of “Lee Taemin!” from his father did he realize he had been sitting in his room for almost two hours wasting away doing absolutely nothing.

It’s okay. He’ll get over this soon.

Dedicate this chapter to Blingers and Shawols