XIULEI

My face is still burning, even after my quick strides take me to the nearest bench, one situated in a maze-like park. I look out over a pond of lilies with the reflection of Fuzhou’s shimmering skyline rippling in the waves. From behind me, I hear Luhan panting, catching up.

“Wei, you idiot, leaving me behind like that! Did you ever see me try to ditch you in Beijing? This is foreign city for godssake.” He laughs.

I can’t help but grin. “I have short legs and still walk faster than you. How does it feel?”

Luhan collapses on the bench, breathing heavy. “It burns. Literally and figuratively. How come this feels more tiring than a soccer match? My god.” He takes off his ball cap, running his fingers through his mussed hair.

After making sure he’s caught his breath, I take another sip of the milk tea while flipping open my phone.

“Yo, you only have so many hours with me and you decide to choose your cell phone over me?” Luhan pouts. I laugh.

“What can I say, it’s far more interesting.”

“Liar. I’m the best, and you know it.” Luhan teases, poking me in the cheek.

I swat his finger away and then swipe at the screen. “You're so touchy today.” I feign a complaint while trying to find the Tik Tok music app I was downloading before he showed up. It had been loading right when he did that jumpscare in the alley.

“Wow, you’re seriously choosing your phone over me. I see how it is. Friendship officially ov-” He stops abruptly, frowning as his eyes meet the phone in my lap. He leans in closer to the glowing screen.

“Xiulei… is that a guy I see on your home screen?” In my mind, I think I hear a slight twinge of jealousy. I shake it off as another figment of my imagination.

“Yep. That’s Wang Junkai.” I say smugly. “Originally part of TFboys, one of the youngest boy groups in China. Great vocalist, now a rising actor studying in the best acting school in China. You know him. He was in The Great Wall with you, the emperor role.”

Luhan glares at the screen. “You make him sound like some sort of god, yeesh. He was an okay actor, that’s all. Why’s he your wallpaper?” He complains.

“Well not only is he one of the few idols with more fans than you, he’s also basically the idol crush of every girl at YCIS that didn’t fall for you… so that’s about half of the four hundred.” I laugh at his insulted face. “Since I know you too well, I chose to join his fandom instead. You know, so that I’d be able to talk to people more… besides, you were the one that told me to open up.”

Luhan glowers angrily, his eyebrows furrowed. “You were a fan of me first. Did you forget? You could’ve talked about me.”

“Aish, and you say I’m childish.” I smirk. When his pout doesn't fade, I tease, “Someone sounds jealous…”

“Hey, you were the one that proclaimed to be my fan in that letter from when you were fifteen! No take backs.”

I laugh. “Come onnn, Lu ge, don’t be so stingy. You know you’ll always be important to me; you’re just not in that idol spot anymore cause I know too much about you.” I watch as he rolls his eyes, still fuming.

“Aishhh, nevermind. I won’t fangirl about Junkai to you. Don’t be angry… come on. You… uh… oh yea, you still haven’t told me about Shanghai yet.” I say, changing the subject.

Luhan looks up at me from under his shaggy bangs, the childish anger fading away from his features. I almost laugh at how quickly his mood changes.

“You mean the concert?”

I nod, smiling. “It must’ve been so cool. Shanghai, I mean, not your concert.” I laugh when he feigns a hurt expression.

“Well the concert was good, thanks for not asking.” Luhan snides with a grin. “The feeling of being on the stage… it felt pretty good, even after all these years. It’s been too long; I haven’t held a concert since the Reloaded album came out.”

“Ahh, yes, the perks of being an idol, so many fans dying to hear you sing and watch you dance…” I smile wistfully, remembering again that whole different world which Luhan was from, the one I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to understand perfectly, even if I tried.

Luhan’s grin fades into a rueful smile. “Well. It’s good until it’s over, I guess. After the curtain falls… all that’s left is a hot, vacant stage. Empty seats.” He pauses, eyes downcast. “You… you can’t own a thundering applause forever. After it fades, what’s really left that you can hold in your two hands?”

“What’s with the sudden melancholy?” I joke and put a hand on his shoulder. “It doesn’t have to fade. You’re a the nation-renowned, most-eligible-bachelor artist Luhan. There will always be a shining stage out there for you.”

Luhan tries to laugh but it sounds strained. “I… I guess I’m just getting old. Twenty nine, almost thirty.” He leans back, face turned to the sky, breathing out a heavy sigh. “They keep pushing for me to be a well-rounded artist. You know, not just sing-and-dance type; there’s got to be variety shows. Acting, movies, dramas. Photoshoots, fanmeets, commercials.” He pauses. “It’s not as innocent as purely chasing after a stage, after swells of audiences, after that feeling of losing your breath under bright lights and cheers… it’s not like how it was when we were trainees. We are still fighting for opportunities, I guess, for a chance to shine… but it doesn’t only mean we have to be perfect at singing, at dancing. Now… we have to be perfect at everything, even things we didn’t set out to be or do. That kind of perfection… it’s hard.”

“What do you mean, ‘that kind of perfection’?”

“Chasing for a stage means also chasing for the next lead role of a drama; it means chasing for the sponsorship of the next hot thing, or putting family and friends aside for event after event.” Luhan laughs wistfully. “I’m one of the top artists in China now; I know, I know, I shouldn’t be tooting my own horn. I should be appreciating every LuFan, every moment on the stage, in the spotlight. It’s really like a dream. But… even if I’m living it now, it’s not something that will be mine forever. It’s like a house built on sand, the foundation starts shifting and slipping, and then everything disappears.” He stops, still staring at the flickering starlight. “I’m… I’m afraid of an empty stage, Xiulei. I’m afraid at the end of each concert, looking out at the sea of faces and lights that darkens and disappears. Thirty… it’s a big number. How many more thirties can I hold out for? How many more thirties will I still be able to own that applause?” His voice grows soft. “What will I even have, after that applause fades?”

I stare at Luhan’s face, his eyes focused on something far away, the moon perhaps, or maybe a star. I laugh softly. “Lu ge, don’t we all want to be young forever? You’re not the only one.” I pause, looking out over the pond at the skyline, envisioning a different one over it. “You know… There’s a lot of places we want to go to, a lot of applause and approval we want to earn. You’re right; those things are not something that we can own forever. But the lessons we learn from the path we take, the people we meet, the lives we change… those are the things that will never fade away. You will have experiences, you will have people, even after the lights on the stage go out. And then you will use those things… use them and turn them into more music, more passion. At that point, you’ll get the spotlight back and own that applause one more time. Over and over.”

Luhan sighs. “I get that. But it never feels secure. Being an idol is a career, but at the same time, it really isn’t. Even my parents… they’d hated the idea of me being a singer from the very start. They said it wasn’t a stable job. I just about made them have a heart attack when I told them I’d debuted with EXO and gave them tickets to our first concert.” He smiles sadly. “They never came that day, and even while the other members met their parents backstage, hugged them, cried… I could only say that mine couldn’t make it, blame it on the distance between China and Korea. It was only then that I realized how lonely this road was. And... after I came back to the mainland, my dad told me to get a degree, to enter his company. To stop chasing after something meant for younger people… a stage that wasn’t meant for me.”

“Do you regret it though?”

“Regret it?”

“Regret joining EXO, leaving EXO, getting a solo career.”

“I… don’t think it’s regret. As an idol… there’s really no such thing as regret. You have to be willing to put it all into this career, or else you won’t make it. You can never go back on the steps you’ve taken, because then everything is over.” Luhan pauses. “But… I guess if you gave me a chance to live life again, to get a do-over, I might not choose this road again.”

“What would you choose, then?”

Luhan smiles. “I don’t know, lil sis. But I’ve already lived one life as an idol. Maybe in the next life I’ll get to be that soccer player I’d always aspired to be.” He jokes.

I laugh too. “Maybe.” As the laughter dies away, I begin again. “Hey, ge... I know you’re tired, and I know that the life as an idol is hard. But… since you’re already on it, you should fight your way till the end. You’re not old unless you say you are. And you will always have more chances ahead of you, as long as you keep working towards them. You’re already the top artist in China, the only road from here on out is an upward one.” I smile. “Prove to your parents that you can have a secure life even if you are a singer. You’ve done pretty well in proving it so far.”

Luhan gives me a grin. “Ya think? Well I’m glad someone is proud of me.” He laughs. “But, yea, thanks.”

I finish off the milk tea, moving to set it aside. From beside me, Luhan swings his arm around my shoulder. The butterflies in my stomach awaken at the contact, and I see my hand shake nervously as it lets go of the cup.

“That’s enough about me. What about you, sis? Eighteen years old… you should be just about ready to fly, huh? You’re on the opposite side of the spectrum.”

“Me? Well you know. My flight to America is tomorrow afternoon; that’s why I left Beijing to come here and see my mom before going.”

“Which college are you going for? Any that I know?”

“Accepted into Stanford. Full ride. My mom was crazy happy when she found out; it meant that I hadn’t wasted my first few years of high school in America away.” I laugh. “I was pretty happy too. But… I think I’ve always known that America, California, even, isn’t someplace I want to stay for life.”

“Oh really? So then where’s your dream city?”

“Shanghai.” I reply quickly, surely, envisioning the neon skyline of the city over Fuzhou’s dim lights. “Lu Jia Zui, working in one of those multinational corporations, doing business law or maybe econ.” I give an embarrassed laugh. “It’s a big dream, I know, and I most likely won’t make it. But… I guess it’s something I can work towards, and Stanford Law School was my first step.”

Luhan smiles. “You’ll make it. You’ve made it this far, you’ll make it there too.” He pauses, looking around. “You know, I really should have bought that second drink. Then we could’ve toasted to your future.” He laughs.

I grin. “Nah, we’ll toast to our futures. You, for your stage. Me, for my city. Yea?”

“Yea.” Luhan raises his arm, holding an imaginary cup. “Cheers!”

“Cheers!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The walk back was a quiet one. The streets of Fuzhou seemed to be asleep, and who in their right mind wouldn’t be? After all, four in the morning wasn’t exactly rush hour. Beside me, Luhan’s eyes are trained on the ground, his lips pressed into a thin line. I wonder if it was just my erratic heart imagining the sadness on his face.

“If you want, you can drive my mom’s car back? I’ll go to the hotel by transit tomorrow and pick it up.” I interrupt the silence.

He looks up, surprised, and then smiles. “Nah. It’s okay. It’s just a thirty minute walk. Could probably cut it down to twenty if I run.”

I shake my head, exasperated. “Ge, you’re really dumb, you know that? You’ve got a flight this evening and once you land you’ll be preparing for the Guangzhou concert. Are you seriously planning on not sleeping?”

“Speak for yourself, pabo. You’ve got a flight today too, even further than where I’m going. You should be the one getting rest. Besides,” he pauses. “I’ve got all morning to sleep.”

I shift my feet against the asphalt, kicking at a stray stone. In the quiet, we both silently acknowledge that in a few hours we’d be on different paths again, separated both figuratively and literally by a vast ocean, two worlds. In the silence, Luhan takes my hand in his, letting me feel the warmth of his fingers against mine like an unspoken promise. The butterflies in my stomach and the ache in my chest start up again, not wanting me to ever let go of these hands that had caught me when I most desperately needed them to.

From behind us, we hear the bell on a bicycle ringing, the sound shaking us from our thoughts. Turning, we see an old man riding carefully, lugging behind him a wagon full of flowers. Seeing our questioning gaze, he smiles kindly. “They’re for sale in the morning market down the street. Most people go there at five to set up, but I’m a little early today.” He pauses, looking first at our intertwined hands and then at Luhan.

“Would you be interested in buying any? They’re the freshest at this hour.” He grins.

I am about to protest, maybe justify why I’m holding onto a guy’s hand, out for a walk this early. He’s just my brother! Or um, my friend? But before I say anything, Luhan nods, giving the man a ten yuan bill.

“Give me your prettiest rose, please, sir.” The old man nods, and pulls out three flowers: a red rose, a white one, and a yellow one.

“These three are the prettiest I’ve seen all year. Which would you like to give to the young lady?” His eyes wink in the dim light.

Staring at the white rose, I feel a twist in my stomach, looking at its pristine, creamy petals shining in the dark. Despite my forgiving myself, that hole in my chest still hadn't fully disappeared, and the white rose still reminded me of Nuoyi's cold casket. Pulling on Luhan's sleeve, I beg him, "Please, not the white one..." He pauses, staring at me in confusion. And then I see the understanding. He nods.

I see Luhan’s fingers hover over the red rose, lingering there silently. My heart goes on overdrive, pounding at my throat. Red. Red roses mean…

“This one, please.” My heart falls as his fingers grace the stem of the yellow rose. The old man looks at him in surprise.

“Really now?”

“Yes, sir.” Luhan says, taking the flower. I bite my lip, remembering the meaning of a yellow rose.

“W-wait, sir.” I call out as the man is about to ride away. “May I… may I buy one too?” I fumble for my wallet and hold out the money.

“Of course.” He nods, beckoning me over. “Which would you like? The red rose, perhaps?” I feel my cheeks flush.

“Those, please.” I point at the single white flower in the corner, its stem wound with blue forget-me-nots.

The man looks at me, and then gives me a sad smile. “Do you know what those flowers mean, dear?”

I nod quietly. “Yes.”

“Alright then.” Giving me the white bloom, he turns to Luhan. “Don’t forget this little lady.” He murmurs with a small chuckle. Luhan stares first at him and then me.

“Wait, wha-”

“Never mind, pabo, you won’t get it.” I force a laugh.

The man rides off and Luhan and I walk the last steps to the small alleyway where I’d met him at just hours before. We stand there, each holding our own flowers, not saying anything, eyes trained at our feet. I am glad for the darkness before dawn; in it, he would not be able to see the redness of my cheeks nor the tears at the corner of my eye.

From beside me, Luhan gives a small chuckle. “We were never this awkward before.” I laugh.

“Well… I mean, we never really had to say goodbye either.”

“It’s only a for a year, right?” His voice is small. “You’ll be back next summer?”

“Yea. I’ll have to come see my mom then.”

“So you’re not coming to Beijing to see your old bro? I’m hurt.” Luhan pouts, and I flinch involuntarily at his words.

“I’ll come and see you, too. You could take me to that really good hotpot place you suggested before.”

“You know, I find that you’re always digging for my wallet nowadays.” He jokes, giving me a little push. “First the drink, then the flower, now hotpot.”

“Hey, the flower was your idea, not mine!” I protest. “B-besides, I got you one too.” I feel my face flush.

Luhan rolls his eyes, and then opens his arms wide. “Come over here, give me a hug before you go.” He says it casually, with a lopsided grin. I stand there, unsure of whether or not he was joking.

“Come on, I’m giving you a three second limit.” He laughs as I throw myself into him. “Ahh… you’re such a pabo, you know that?”

I feel the control on my tears slipping as Luhan pulls me closer, his arms around my waist. “You’re the pabo.” I mutter into his shirt, gripping it tighter. “Always so sentimental.”

Luhan doesn’t say anything, just holding me quietly. Then: “I’m going to miss you.” His voice is quiet, the whisper muffled by my hair.

Me too, I think, but the words won't come out.

He finally pulls away, one arm still on my back. “Here.” He says, handing me the yellow rose.

“What… what do I do with it?” I ask stupidly.

Luhan rolls his eyes again. “And you say I’m the pabo. You put it in water, idiot.” He pauses, looking into my eyes. “Or… I mean you could also put it here.” He leans in closer, and I feel my heart pounding heavily. The smell of him is so strong I feel dizzy, trembling at the proximity. Softly, he brushes aside the hair above my ears, resting the flower there instead. “There. You look almost as beautiful as the flower now.” He jokes.

I blush. “Rude. Comparing a girl to a flower, and saying ‘almost as beautiful’. No wonder you’re known as the geng-zi king.”

“Fine, fine. You’re the most beautiful out of all the world’s flowers. You happy now?” Luhan smiles.

I grin. “Yea. Totally.” My hands are unsteady as I hand him my flowers, the lightness of the white gardenia and blue forget-me-nots contrasting with the dark air around it. Do you know what these flowers mean, Luhan? Do you know what I'm finally admitting to myself, admitting to you?

“Here’s mine. You better not lose it before you get back to the hotel.”

Luhan takes it silently, and then smiles. “Of course not. I’ll definitely treasure it.”

We stand there in silence until he finally tells me, “Go on up. You’ll need some sleep before you head to the airport.”

“A-alright.” I whisper. A tear slips out, even though I do my best to will it back into my eyes.

“Hey, no crying.” Luhan swipes it away with his thumb. “I’ll see you next year, next summer, just like this, okay?” I nod, more tears falling.

“We’ll be alright, you’ll see.” Luhan grins, wiping my face with his palms. “Remember our promise back when you were fifteen? To always be there for each other? An ocean can’t break this bond. And besides, each time you come back, you’ll be stronger; you’ll be one step closer to your dream.” I nod again, feeling a smile creep onto my face.

“There. Smile, you look the prettiest that way.” He chuckles, and then gives me a small nudge. “Now go.”

I turn, walking slowly towards the apartment complex on the other side of the dark alley. From behind me, I feel Luhan’s gaze following my retreating form. Before I step out of the light from the street, I hear him calling, “Xiulei!”

“Huh?” I spin around, eyes wide.

“Smile!” Luhan’s phone flashes, taking a picture.

“The hell, LUHAN! I HATE PICTURES!” I yell, charging at him. He grins impishly, giving me a quick wave, and then runs off. By the time I reach the street, he had already turned the corner. Gone. On the ground where he stood, he left a note, scrawled in messy Chinese. “Remember me :) .”

I stand there, a half-smile plastered on my face, shaking my head. That idiot. I pick up the note.

When I finally make my way to my bedroom, hearing my mother’s snoring coming from the room across the hall, I stare at the rose in my hands. I know that I can’t bring it in my luggage; it wouldn’t make it past all the customs screening. But still, I hold onto it, its soft petals, wishing desperately that time could just stop here.

A gardenia means secret love.

Forget-me-nots mean remembrance.

A red rose means love.

And a yellow rose… a yellow rose means...

Friendship. Friendship, and… remember me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LUHAN

In the quiet of my hotel room, I lie on the firm mattress, twirling the flowers Xiulei had given me between my thumb and forefinger while listening to the din of traffic awakening from its slumber. In spite of my best attempts, I'd failed to fall asleep, instead tossing and turning on the bed, head filled with… well… her touch, her hug, her smile, her scent.

Lying there, I wonder if I've gone crazy… even my heartbeat is unrelentingly disobedient, going on overdrive each time I think of her falling onto me while trying to get her bubble tea, her warm, soft frame wrapped up in mine.

, Luhan. She's practically your little sister. What are you even thinking??

Groaning, I cover my face with my hands. I feel my ears reddening and my cheeks hot. Maybe this is all just side effects of a fever? Please let this be side effects of a fever.

From beside me, my phone beeps at a new incoming message. Turning on the screen, I see a notification from WeChat, glowing brightly.

“New Friend wants to add you! Yang Liwei. Press here to chat!” the bubble reads in bright font. I feel my heart move from its place in my chest to my throat, thumping hard as the realization hits. With it comes countless memories of school desks and papers. Of soccer games and a life before this one. Of her silly confession, because she'd never been one to believe in writing qing-shu. 

L-Liwei??