SEVENTEEN 

XIULEI

The airplane ride is silent, filled with dimmed lights and low voices. The guy next to me is snoring, his head drooping sideways so that it almost touches my shoulder. I scoot my back further against the window, trying to move so that he doesn't end up sleeping on me. I sigh in frustration as his head lands on my arm anyways.

Normally, I wouldn't have to deal with a sleeping stranger on a flight.

Normally, my mom would be the one snoring beside me.

Then again, this flight was anything but normal.

In the silence, my mind drifts back to April, the images resurfacing.

“Get up.” My mom pulled at my arm. Her hand that was holding the umbrella shook, splattering water droplets over my face. Her touch barely registered in my mind as I stood in a daze. I wasn't crying. My heart was too heavy, like something that had been shot so many times it couldn't even feel the bullets as they tore through. Funny thing; he used to bet me that I wouldn’t cry at his funeral. The storm bore down harder, and my mom began to jog towards the car, taking the umbrella with her. I stayed behind, walking slowly, pretending that the water droplets running down my face were warm tears instead of cold spring rain, pretending that the sky was crying out what I could not shed. Beneath my feet, I felt the wet earth sink with every step. Inside my chest, the hole that I'd become familiar with after December grew to the size of my palm, throbbing, empty, another reminder that part of me was left behind once again. I didn't look back at the tombstone.

My father had held out for longer than we'd expected, passing away before finals were over. I’d stayed an extra month in America to finish off my junior year while my mom left early to find a job in China. She had been, as it turns out, preparing for a move.

Mom wants me to finish off my high school career in the international school YCIS in Beijing, setting me on the overall achievement scholarship and making me rent a room cheap from one of my dad’s old friends. She, on the other hand, found a job as a research worker in Fuzhou.

1,199 miles away. I’d checked before I’d gotten on the plane.

She’d told me it was for my own good.

She’d said I’d learn to be “independent”, as if her not being there on top of learning another language wasn’t hard enough. As if the hole in my heart didn’t exist.

To be honest, though, I don’t mind moving. This feeling, this emptiness, has been a shadow for much too long. Everything, everyone in America, none of it had been my home. My “friends” had all left, one by one. Nuoyi had left. My father had left. And their disappearances only made my hole grow larger, deeper. As if they’d been trying to fracture my heart until I did not believe in neither friendship nor love.

How stupid of me, to believe in those things in the first place.

Sighing again, I look down at my phone’s screen, at Luhan’s last message, letting it give me a little comfort. He’d been trying to distract me from thinking too much while I was waiting for my flight from Houston to Beijing. After telling me about all the best restaurants and coffee shops in the city, he’d finally managed to make me admit that I was scared.

And lonely.

And hurting.

I can’t comprehend how he seems to be able to see past my walls and my defenses, even though the people who were once the closest to me couldn’t even find a crack. He had been the only one I told about dad’s passing… not that I had anyone else to tell.

Right after I’d boarded, he sent me one last message. It had been two AM in China, and he must’ve been exhausted after doing four fanmeets for his newly released movie. I told him not to wait for me to board and just go to sleep instead, but he wouldn’t listen.

"Xiulei, things will turn out better than they seem. Stay strong for your mom and more importantly, for yourself. I will be there to protect you if you ever fall. I promise."

It’s funny how he used the word “fall”. It makes me think of all the times I do, do want to just fall and forget everything as the ground rushes closer and closer to my face. Do want to feel all those goddamn tears that have been stuck in my eyes since forever to get blown away as I fall, fall, fall…

Do want to know that that would be my ending, because no matter what he promises, I no longer expect anyone to catch me when I fall. After all, how do you expect someone to save you if you yourself could not save anyone?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel the cold wind blowing at my face, as if it were attempting to dry the tears, the droplets so stubbornly clinging to my eyelashes.

Why does it always end up like this, me sitting on a ledge, waiting for the water to disappear from my eyes? Waiting for the burning in my chest to ease just a little?

The year is drawing to a close and December had crept into the city of Beijing overnight, freezing the air and frosting the streets. I was barely surviving these past few months, watching as the seasons change this new world around me. And that was just it, wasn't it? It was a whole new world, a life I wasn't accustomed to. Nightmares haunt my sleep, so much so I'd wake up screaming or crying or both. There was always no one there when I woke, just another gray-skied morning and cold, empty apartment. I learned to realize that nightmares don’t follow rules the way dreams do; they don't end when my eyes are open. Days were spent struggling with Chinese, trying to fill up my schedule so I that I didn't have time for thoughts. I worked to do my best in all the new classes, but even that came as a struggle; the only place where my lack of a proper Chinese vocabulary didn’t hurt was math. When rankings came out before the break, I’d dropped to number twenty in the class of eight hundred, my new all-time low, drastically different from my usual spot in top fives in America. My old hopes of Stanford, of Law School, of Shanghai… they all seemed as far away as the people I loved. In a whole other world.

Despite the torment of YCIS, I would still choose it over a break from the game of catch-up I was playing. Listening to the banter of all the girls at school, their fangirling over Luhan and some other guy, someone named Wang Junkai, was infinitely better than the silence of being in the apartment alone. Still, though, despite my not wanting it to, the semester had ended and winter break had come, bringing with it the hours of empty quiet. And as the new year draws closer, so arrives the anniversary. Now, here I am, staring at my phone's brightly lit screen, watching as the minute hand changes. One eleven AM.

Nuoyi. Daddy. I'm so sorry. I couldn't save either of you. I had a chance, but I couldn't do it.

The memories that crowd my head during the day and take over my dreams at night... they all come now, more vivid and painful than ever before. My dad, holding my hand on his sick bed. Nuoyi's smile, which I barely saw in her last three years of life. My father, telling me he was proud of me. Nuoyi, leaning against me on a night not much different from this, telling me thank you for being there for her. In my mind, the two of them had merged into one person. A person who I'd hurt, who I hadn't been enough for.

I've failed you both. I killed you. I'm sorry.

This is stupid. I can hear my shuddering breaths, feel my shoulders shaking, but everything else is locked somewhere deep inside, unable to escape. Aching, trembling, but stuck where I can’t even find them, much less set them free.

God… why does this hurt so much?

I sigh noisily into the wind, pressing my fingers to my eyes. They’re icy, frozen by December’s merciless cold. Staring down at the vast darkness below my dangling legs, I contemplate at how easy it was, to just let go and fall. Everything from last year and this year had built to a point where I do not recognize myself, nor my own broken heart.

From beside me, my phone’s screen lights up; Promise is playing. Let me get close to your heart gradually, to read the secrets you hide deep within you…

I wonder if I should pick up, or if it was better to just fake that I'm asleep.

Against my better judgement, I hold the receiver to my ear.

“Wei, Xiulei?”

"L-Luhan..." I whisper, my voice finally betraying me. I'd been able to sound okay each time he'd called before, but now I just couldn't. Everything felt too close, too hard, too strong for me to pretend. And he knew that.

"What's wrong? Tell ge; I can try to fix it for you.” His words are sincere, laced with worry. I don't say anything, for fear that if I did, I wouldn't be able to stop if I did.

"Xiulei, please? Don't you trust me?"

Trust.

Did I trust him?

Oh… god. No. I do not… I do Not…

Somewhere inside, I realize that the only reason I feel this panic was because a part of me had actually learned to trust him.

To depend on him.

.

I feel the pressure building at the back of my throat, the fear making my heart go overdrive. I can't just trust him; that's practically an invitation for more pain, for a deeper hole… something I don’t think I can withstand.

“Xiulei… what’s going on?” Luhan’s voice sounds so far away. For some reason, I want him closer. I need to feel safety, unable to be strong, and sitting on this ledge, alone... it required a strength that I'd lost somewhere seemingly so long ago.

“Luhan...” I whisper. In my weakness, I guiltily let myself ask him to do the impossible, to do something I hadn't been able to do for him, for my father, for Nuoyi.

“Please… catch me.”

And then I hang up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LUHAN

“Hurry. Please.” I urge the driver. I had to work to keep the hiss from escaping through my words. In the haze of my panic, I try not to think of Xiulei possibly doing something stupid, something she’d regret.

Something I’d regret, if I don’t get there in time.

It had been half an hour since she’d called, and in that time, I’d managed to track down her location, with both the help and the curses of Lao Gao and a few of the higher-ups in the security service he had known. Serves me right, I guess, waking them up at such an hour. After calling me an an insomniac bastard, they’d told me Xiulei was in an old building whose construction had not been complete. And god knows what she’s doing there.

I shut my eyes, thoughts swirling in my mind. I had been so blind. I’d known that she was far from okay, but I’d  always seen Xiulei as someone relentlessly strong, counted on her even though she was so much younger. She'd rarely ever voiced her pain the phone calls we'd had, the ones that went from lasting only a few minutes in the beginning to becoming full hours within the last two years. She was the only person I let my fears out to, and became like a sister to me. I'd somehow forgotten that the person on the other side of the line was just a girl. A little girl.

The taxi lurches to a stop in front of a tall expanse of concrete wall. The street is only lit by a dim lamplight, and I eye the darkness nervously. Handing the driver his yuan, I get out of the cab, head perpetually tilted towards the top of the building.

Do I have to… go up?

I feel the bile rise in my throat. No. No way. Way too high.

But Xiulei.

The girl that had found a way to come to mean so much to me, after these two years. My little sister.

in a breath, I walk in, turning on the heavy-duty flashlight I’d grabbed on my way out, its beams swinging wildly from side to side as I search what should’ve been this building’s lobby. No one. I sigh, looking for a way up. The elevator shaft hadn’t been complete, leaving me with no choice but to take the stairs, two at a time. At each floor, I yell out her name, cursing when my echo was the only reply. Goddammit, where is she?

Suddenly, our conversation came rushing back, one from a year ago. She had said she’d liked rooftops, and that was where she went when she was running from her thoughts.

Luhan, you’re crazy if you think you’re going to step one foot onto a freaking rooftop and not throw up.

Okay. So I'm crazy.

Glancing at my wrist, I forget I’d left the heavy Rolex lying on my nightstand, neglected in my rush to find Xiulei. How much time has passed? Is she okay?

I push the thoughts out of my mind, forcing myself not to look through the windows, unwilling to recognize my closer proximity to the clouds than to the ground. As I ascend, each floor gets more bare and less complete until I reach a large metal door reading “Do Not Push; Alarm Will Sound” in Chinese. Taking a breath, I push it anyways, cringing in preparation for a blaring red light and an alert signal.

Nothing.

Thank. God.

I glance around the rooftop. Xiulei had to be here… unless she’d gone home, like any other sane person, or she’d… Eyeing the ground, I had to work not to hurl at the thought of her jumping. I crane my neck almost desperately, half afraid I wouldn't find her, so much so that I didn't call out.

Finally, from behind a stack of wires and cables, I see a silhouette in the darkness, sitting at the edge of the rooftop, legs dangling over the sides. My relief overcomes my fear as I pitch forward, white light from the flashlight lurching with my every movement.

Thank. Freaking. God.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

XIULEI

“The hell are you doing up here?!” Luhan explodes, grabbing my arm and pulling me up so that I was no longer on the ledge, but instead standing on the solid rooftop. The flashlight he carries looks more like a lamp, shining brightly as he sets it on the ground.

“Do you not know how dangerous that is, how easily you could actually fall, actually die?” He pushes back the hair shielding my face, looking as if he were ready to check for bruises, eyes burning with a mixture of fear, worry, and anger. He pulls back sharply when he sees my tears.

“Hey…” His voice becomes instantly softer as he wipes away the water clinging to my eyelashes. “Hey, please don't cry… I'm sorry for yelling. I was worried.”

I look at Luhan, standing there, eyes wide with concern. He's wearing a black sweatshirt and ripped jeans, hair puffy as if he'd just rolled out of bed to come find me. There are dark circles under his eyes, and I'm suddenly aware of the time. Two seventeen.

“N-no I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hung up like that. I… I don't know why I did that.” I mumble, feeling his hands still holding my arms. Suddenly, I'm crushed against his chest as he holds me tightly, face pressed in the warm space between his neck and his shoulder blades.

“Don't. Don't worry me like that ever again. Do you have any idea how hard it is, to track down the location of a phone number? Do you know how hard it is to get a taxi at this hour?” He chuckles softly. “Pabo, next time, please just tell me where you are so I can find you and bring you home, okay?”

And that’s when it finally hits me, the realization making me flinch.

He'd actually done it, done the impossible. He caught me, the way I should’ve caught Nuoyi.

The tears burn, scorching my throat and my eyes, and this time they don’t stop there. For the first time in forever, I sob, gasping for breath, probably drowning Lu ge in my cries. I feel my shoulders shaking with the effort to stay silent as everything, everything just pours out. It’s as if the damn wall finally broke enough for the tears to fall, and now that they did, they won’t stop. Memories of Nuoyi, my father, my mother, my old friends, my old life... they run through my mind with nothing to stop them. Nothing will keep them from falling, falling like rain from my eyes.

Luhan stiffens when he first feels the onslaught of my tears, but then pulls me closer as I soak the arm of his sweatshirt, his hand rubbing small circles on my back. After what feels like forever, I am finally calm enough to breathe. The shuddering heaves wrack through my body as I pull away, covering my face with my hands, not wanting him to see my swollen eyes and red nose.

“S-sorry. I d-didn't mean for that to happen.”

“You haven't cried for a long time.” Lu ge states it as if it were a fact.

How did you know?  

Luhan pulls my hands away. In his eyes, I still see the confusion, along with something else, something I couldn't name.

“Am I right?”

“... yea.” I glance away, only to find my gaze moving back to him. “H-how did you know that?”

His smile is small. “You forget that I'm eleven years older than you.” He ruffles my hair. “I've seen my fair share of people crying.”

That still doesn't explain it.

How do you do this? Know me so well?

I clear my throat, wiping away the last of the tears with my palm, trying not to draw attention to them. Suddenly, my eyes widen at the thought of where we were. . We are on a freaking roof… Luhan hates heights. “God, I’ve forgotten, I’m so sorry… we should get down from here. You don’t like-”

Luhan holds a finger to my nose, cutting me off. “I came here for a reason, you know.”

“H-huh?”

He sits down on the concrete floor, not minding the dusty ground nor the cold. “Yep. You know, I usually don't try to track people down at two in the morning. Especially not on rooftops.” I smile faintly at that.

“Yea, right, stalker.” I joke, sitting down next to him. “Since you hate heights so much, isn’t that all the more reason to leave?”

He shrugs almost nonchalantly, but the muscles in his neck are tense. “It’s alright. I’ve been in skyscrapers before. It just takes some time to get used to.”

I know he’s lying. I can feel his nervous glance at the empty sky around him. I suddenly realize that I take it for granted so often, how he's here when I need him, even though he's a national idol and has a cram-packed schedule. How he should be in bed asleep right now, but is instead staying up to try to make me feel better. How he’s willing to face his biggest fear, just to make sure I was okay.

You overlook these things because you're too busy trying to keep yourself from getting too attached. You were always being afraid of him leaving that you forget to see how he's been here for you, for years.  

I owe him so much.

Luhan’s voice interrupts my thoughts. “AND, I'm not a stalker. I just have my sources. And friends in higher places.” He smirks, and, in the lamplight,  I can see his eyes crinkling into two crescent moons. I laugh softly.

“Lu ge, could I maybe just…” My voice is tiny, embarrassed. “... just lay on your shoulder for a while? I'm… so tired.” And that was the truth. I felt drained. Somehow, the hole in my chest had eased when he'd held me.

You trust him.

Yea, I do.

You're going to get hurt.

I'm willing to risk it.

Luhan scoots closer and lets me put my cheek on his shoulder. “If you don't mind my asking, what happened? Why were you crying? Was it your dad?” He asks, eyes on the Beijing skyline. His voice is serious, unlike his usual playful tone.

I don't know how to answer that question. In a way, it was both my dad and Nuoyi. And I'd never told Luhan about Nuoyi's death.

Finally, I reply. “I’m weak, Lu ge. I cry too much. I get broken too easily. And I burden the people who come into my life… I burden them- no, I burden you- with my tears.”

He turns his head to look at me, his usual smile replaced with a small frown. “You aren't a burden.”

“Says the guy who is forced out of bed at this godforsaken hour to find a stupid little girl.” I say, eyebrows raised.

“Correction: not forced; it was my choice.”

I look away, unable to refute. After a moment’s silence, he speaks again. “You really aren't a burden. Even if you think you are, I don’t.” His voice turns soft, as if deep in thought. “And besides, everything you've told me has been things that I've been asking for… so… it’s okay to tell me everything. It's okay to trust in someone again. Even if… even if it is scary.”

“I... think that trusting side of me is out of practice.”

“Well… just think of this as your first practice. A trial run. Tell me what happened.” And then, under his breath, I hear him murmur again, “Tell me everything.”

I clear my throat. “Well…” I see his eyes watching me expectantly. “Believe it or not, I actually had friends at one point.”

I feel his gaze hot on my cheek. “I wouldn't doubt it.”

“Yeah… well… if you are like everyone else, you would be surprised.” I laugh softly, almost unbelievingly. “I actually had… friends. People who I cared about. I had a really average life, you know?”

“Mm?” Luhan hums, his eyes averted back to the skyline.

“I first met you when I was fifteen. It was that year that most of my friends left… they'd just… we'd just… drifted, I guess. Apart. You knew a little about that from our first conversations, I think?” I stumble over the words, unsure of how to continue. “Um… But, I still had one friend. By the time I was sixteen, I had known her for nine years. 3285 days. She… she was my world, and in a way, I thought I was hers. Her name was… Nuoyi.” My voice grows soft, almost unintentionally. It is the first time I'd said her name aloud, the first time in a year.

“Was?” Luhan asks, eyes questioning me in the white glow of the flashlight.

“Huh?”

“You said ‘her name was’. That either means she is no longer your friend, or… she died.”

I don’t reply, only dropping my gaze to the ground and then lifting my chin as a small yes.

Luhan shifts his arm so that he is hugging me against his side, as if protecting me from the pain he knows is bound to come with the following words. “Go on.”

“S-she was depressed. Nuoyi, I mean. I think… all of us were, that year, to some extent, but she… it was almost clinical.” I pause, remembering the days when Nuoyi had refused to get out of bed, hair plastered to her face, eyes bloodshot and infinitely blank. “She had a hard life… she was constantly working to achieve something, something that she never could reach. Her parents… they didn't love her, I don't think. They were always away, to the point where they didn't know about her depression. And she’d never, ever wanted them to know.” I pause. “I had two parents that loved me, an average life, and to her… I had no right to be sad about anything. I would feel bad, too, if I ever complained to her. Because, honestly, nothing can be worse than working for someone’s love, for someone’s smile, for someone’s approval… especially when you know you won’t be able to achieve any of that.”

"Mhm... and then?"

“Ah… well...  Nuoyi had... bad days. Days when she didn’t want to leave her room. Nights where she’d sit on the roof of her house; with some sort of wine or vodka. I spent midnights sneaking out of my house to cajole her down from that rooftop. Sometimes, I ended up going up there myself, and she would lean on me.” I laugh softly. “Kind of like we are now, I guess. It was on one of those nights that she’d promised me that she wouldn’t ever leave, not without spending one more night with me under the stars. Not without letting me try to talk her out of it.” I smile, a wistful and weighted smile. “Nuoyi was the one who made me fall in love with the skyline at night.”

“What do you mean by that, fall in love with?”

“Remember when I told you once how the roof was like my safe place? It’s kind of like that. Up here, watching the skyline, I feel… smaller. More insignificant. And that’s comforting, in a way, knowing that I’m just one… one beating heart, in the middle of all the messy sea of lights and stories and connections. It doesn’t matter if I’m here or not, because I’m really just a speck of dust that will become memories which will become nothing. People… forget. They’ve probably already forgotten.”

From beside me, Luhan stiffens, turning completely to face me. “How can you say that?”

“Say what?”

His voice is tense, angry. “Say that you are insignificant? That you don’t mean anything to anybody, that you’re just something that will be nothing if you leave?”

“The world is so big. If I come, if I go… who cares?” My voice cracks on the last syllable, because, even though I’d deny it a thousand times over, I knew that, selfishly, I wanted someone to care.

“Can’t you see?” Luhan exclaims, eyes wide with disbelief. “I would care. You mean something to me, so you can’t just go and end everything when you’ve become so important. Your mother would care. The people you leave behind, we would care. You should know that, after what Nuoyi did.” He pauses. “You say that people forget. You haven’t forgotten.”

“I… It’s different.”

“How? If you were to leave, wouldn’t I be like you are right now?”

“You don’t understand, Luhan.”

I see the flash of hurt in his eyes. “Then tell me.”

Keeping my eyes on the skyline, I say the words slowly, monotone. “I was the one who killed her, Luhan. You don’t understand that guilt, the regrets. They’re like lead weights that are cuffed to my wrists. I can’t take them off, can’t escape them.”

“I don’t… understand. You what?”

“I was the last straw.” I ignore the emotion creeping into my voice. “It was on one of her bad days. We… had an argument. Like I said, she hated it whenever I complained about something, especially my parents. I usually tried never to do that, to only say good things, happy things. Things that would make her laugh. But on that December night, I… couldn’t help it. I was upset. You remember when I’d told you that year that my father’s health was declining? Well, that night, my dad had just locked me out of the house after catching me sneaking out. He thought I was meeting with a guy, maybe, or doing something I shouldn’t have been doing. He was so mad that I didn’t have time to explain, and he’d just shut the door in my face, telling me to leave, to go and not bother coming back, for all he cared. It hurt so much, seeing how thin and tired he was, standing there, yelling. I'd managed to disappoint him. Again.” I pause, taking in a breath. Luhan waits, patiently listening.

“I called Nuoyi, telling her I couldn’t go over. She had been really upset that night, and she just asked why. She thought I was abandoning her, or something. In a way I was; I was too caught up in my own issue that I really didn’t have it in me to deal with hers. I told her that, and she just… lost it. She said that she… hated me. That she trusted me to keep my promise to her, to be there for her. That I lied. I was stupid and mad enough to argue back. I said things that I shouldn’t have, all the annoyances I’d harbored inside me just… poured out. All the selfish words, selfish thoughts. And Nuoyi snapped. She told me that this was it, that she was done, and that there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to apologize, but she’d hung up, and that made me madder. I thought that it served her right, that she wasn’t the only one with problems. I never went after her that night. I could’ve saved her, could’ve talked to her, taken her home. But I didn’t. I didn’t, Luhan, and my god I regret it now. I regret everything. I killed her.” My voice cracks as my rantings draw to an end, leaving only my quiet tears.

I killed her.

There really was no escape from those three words.

I feel Luhan’s grip on my arm tighten as he pulls me impossibly closer. “Hey, hey. No more crying, okay?” His thumb brushes over my cheek, wiping at the tears. “You’re trapping yourself in the guilt. But in reality, you’d been there for your friend more than any of the others. You made a mistake, but you’ve also paid the price. So it’s okay to let yourself breathe again.”

“My mistake cost her her life…”

Luhan’s hand covers my chest, and I flinch at the contact. His fingers are gentle, pressing down on where my heart was supposed to be.

“You’re alive. You’re breathing. You have a heartbeat. You have a heart.” He pauses. “Please. Your friend wouldn’t want to see you like this. She’s forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself.”

“H-how…” My voice breaks.

“Live. Breathe again.” Luhan pulls me into a hug and I fall into the warmth of his embrace, the meaning of his words sinking in.

Forgive myself.

I HATE YOU.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

Was Nuoyi really the one saying those words? Or was it me?

Forgive myself.

Luhan whispers in my ear, his voice soft but filled with an emotion I cannot name. “If you were ever to fall, I would never forgive you, okay?”

I wrap my arms tightly around him, as if holding on to my lifeline. “But you’d catch me, right?” I hate how weak I sound.

“Yea. I’d catch you. And then I’d teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.” I hear the joke in his voice, and, softly, I learn to laugh again.