XIULEI

After the party, I’d gotten Junkai’s number saved in my phone, my half-drunk, little self swearing to him that I wouldn’t release it to any saesangs or media. He texted me every night after that, talking about his last year studying at the Beijing Film Academy, his upcoming plans, and asking me about the “good places in Beijing that he hasn’t been to”. We even met up in a coffee shop near his school’s campus once, me bored because Luhan was always at rehearsals and him wanting a break after the last of his finals. He’d tried to teach me how to play one of the games he sponsors on his laptop; quite naturally, I failed, but ended up downloading it on my own, figuring I could practice whenever I managed to get a break in Stanford. Being honest to myself, I knew he distracted me from Luhan and Liwei. Despite this fact, though, I still couldn’t help smiling at the fact that I’d become friends with the two idols I’d stanned in my lifetime. I mean, what are the chances?

Even though Junkai’s presence distracted me from reality, time still flew. The last bit of my week in Beijing passed in a blur, everyone hectic in preparation for the concert. Almost impossibly fast, the end came.

This is my last night in China.

The last time I’ll see Luhan for two years. And my last chance at closure.

I stand there, a silhouette in the wide expanse of darkness. I’d come to watch Luhan’s second to last rehearsal for his concert, which just ended half an hour ago. Almost everyone else had left, a night of practice leaving them all exhausted. Suddenly, the spotlight shines down from the upper balcony, and I manage a wry grin. Thanks, Lao Gao, for keeping your promise.

The stage is cast blue under the strong overhead LEDs, and past it I can barely make out the blinking light of the camera Luhan’s best friend had set up for me. I know that behind that camera is a sea of empty rows, the seats awaiting the audience that will see Lu ge perform tomorrow. A concert I won't ever get to attend…

I take a moment to let it all sink in, let the quiet and emptiness of being on a stage alone become ingrained as a picture forever in my mind. The words he’d said that summer night when I was eighteen replay; here I can almost feel the heat of the stage after a performance, can almost hear the thundering applause he’d yearned to own. Can experience my heartbeat thudding just as loudly as his after a hectic dance routine. My palms are wet, and I swipe them absently against my jeans.

I don't want to forget this, because this is the closest I will ever be to Luhan. The closest I will ever be to understanding him, to the start of a dream, to an impossible beginning.

The closest, yet still so far, because tomorrow will bring me a hundred miles above this place, take me a thousand miles away from here.

I need to tell him before I go.

I turn my attention back to the camera before me; it seemed to be waiting patiently, it's light blinking lazily in the distance. I pick up the microphone lying discarded on the side of the stage and clear my throat.

“Ahem.” I cringe at the sudden loudness, worried that someone would overhear this first and last confession. Remembering that Lao Gao had told everyone to leave except the lighting and music coordinators, I bravely try again to get the words out.

“Hey, Luhan.” I pause, feeling the first beads of sweat trickle down my neck.

“There's something I've been wanting to say, and I wanted to tell you before it's too late…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LUHAN

“Go to the staging area.” Lao Gao commands, kicking me out of the car.

“The hell, why?” I frown. I am dead tired after five hours of practice for the concert, and wanted nothing but a some restless sleep before tomorrow.

Before D-Day...

I feel a twist in my gut at the familiar nervousness that still lived there, even after so many years of debut, going solo, and singing and dancing for a crowd. But this time is going to be different. This time, Xiulei would be there to watch… her first time going to your concert… The thought was just enough to turn the nervousness into excitement.

“I forgot my bag in auditorium. And since the engine is already started, you should go get it for me. It should be in the second row nearest to the backstage entrance.” Lao Gao says. I frown.

“But you never forget-”

“Well, I forgot it this time, so are you going to get it for me or are we going to waste even more time turning off the engine so that I can get it?” He eyes me, daring me to mess with his logic.

I sigh, too tired to argue, and jog to the backstage entrance, wanting nothing but to get there and back as quick as I could. Making my way to where Lao Gao said his bag would be, I notice the sound of footsteps on the stage. I was about to call out, but then see the silhouette of a girl standing in the faint blue light.

Xiulei? What's she doing there?

The figure steps into the spotlight and clears , the sound reverberating in the darkness of the auditorium. I stop moving, standing in the shadows, and watch as she lifts the mic to her lips and tries again.

“Hey, Luhan... there's something I've been wanting to say, and I wanted to tell you before it's too late…” She trails off, looking out into the audience. I wonder what the hell was going on, until I see the camera standing before her, filming. I frown, confused.

Why is she…

“Lu ge… you’ve honestly been the best brother anyone could ask for. You’re the nation’s idol, but you’ve always been there by my side, despite the fact that you could get caught, despite the fact that you have a filled schedule and better things to do than to worry about me. You’ve taken care of me, saved my life, even… and through it all, you've always kept your promise.” She stops talking, and I see the tears reflecting in her eyes. Moving forward, she sits down on the edge of the stage.

“I’m leaving tomorrow, Lu ge. I couldn’t tell you in person… though I think I’m more sad about it than you will be.” She laughs softly. “Just kidding. But yea… I’m leaving for America, and I can’t come back for a long, long time. Two years, maybe even longer. Heck, Stanford Law and dreams are harder to chase than I thought...” Her voice shakes, and reality suddenly comes down on me like a brick wall.

She’s leaving.

She won’t be in crowd watching you perform tomorrow.

She’s leaving again… but this time, it’s going to be for two years.

“I know you’ll be okay here, and that makes it better, I guess. You’ve got your new girlfriend, your best friend, your life. I can’t stay and hold you back from all of those things any longer.” I see her wipe away another tear.

“Before I go, Luhan, I want to confess something. I... know that you’ve already found someone… someone that you love, someone that you care for. She’s got everything; beauty, brains, talent, she has it all. And she has you. She is the luckiest girl in the world. But…” Xiulei pauses.

“But, I wanted to tell you that… I also love you, also care for you… it’s funny, really, how things turned out, isn't it?” She smiles blindly. “I mean, what were the chances? Me, who didn’t believe in love, who didn’t believe in miracles, who didn't believe in that cliche storyline... but now the roles are reversed, and you showed me what it means… to love again.”

I feel my chest tighten and my eyes widen. Wait. Did she just say… did she just say that she loves me? I stand, rooted in place in shock. She loves me… she loves me… what does she mean? For how long? And… and to think I kept bugging her about Liwei! How did she feel… god. She loves me…

From the stage, I hear music start up. I recognize the song; it was from a year ago, when she visited during her winter break… this was the OST for a movie we’d watched together. Wan mei de yi wai, A Beautiful Accident.

Xiulei’s voice matched the sweet instrumental in the background. “Luhan… thank you for all these years. Thank you for being here, for being everything to me, for showing me my heart. You were my…” The song refrains.

“You were my beautiful accident.”

Still in the shadows, still unable to move, I could only process her soft, wavering voice as she sings the lines from the song; in it, I hear the tears she finally let out completely.

“Waiting amidst floating,

Asleep and then awakening,

Who is that calling softly by my ear?

Roles that are wandering,

A reversed storyline that's playing,

Whether happy or sad, listen to those times.

I know now how to embrace,

How to be grateful for all regrets.

From here on out, I'll let love be life's companion…”

The music picks up, the chorus building. But even by ear I knew that the chords weren’t right. This was supposed to be a happy song, yet the key switched to minor.

Xiulei’s voice returns, quiet, singing almost as if it were a concluding sentence to a novel that had only just begun. I finally realized. This was an ending… this was a goodbye…

“Such a beautiful accident,

Such a wonderful arrangement,

That let me understand what love is again.

Such a beautiful accident,

What were the chances?

That let me be able to bravely love again.

This is destiny's tinge of emotion...

This is my heart's confession.”

Her voice fades and so do the lights. Finally, in the dark, I snap out of my revelry. . This is goodbye… ! She can’t leave for two years! Especially not if she just practically confessed… not if she didn’t even say goodbye in person…

I uproot myself and try desperately to get to the stage, to get to Xiulei before she leaves. In the dark, I stub my toes and stumble over every obstacle, unable to tell from a place in the audience wherever the hell the stage was. Still, I blindly try to make my way to Xiulei, calling out her name. From somewhere in the dark, I hear a gasp of surprise.

I feel my way to the stage’s edge and launch myself up, straining my arms. “Xiulei, wait!”

But it was too late.

“Goodbye…” She whispers.

I hear the sound of the microphone dropping, the static that came after drowning out the sound of small footsteps running.

When the lights do come on, there is nothing left but an empty stage, a blinking camera, and a dead mic.

Xiulei was gone.