XIULEI

As soon as the plane landed, I was whirled back into the hectic routine of Stanford. Summer here only meant longer internships, more hours spent with the smell of hibachi or fried rice up my nose, and invitations to kbbqs and parties that I had to turn down. The beach, the Golden Gate Bridge, Anaheim's Disney... these were all places I thought I would get to go to, but were instead all left unadventured, becoming trips that Soomyeon went on with our friends. I had, of course, declined, choosing my books.

After all, I didn't even have the time to look at my newsfeed for weeks, too busy copying papers for the professor and washing dishes in a crowded kitchen; how was I supposed to travel? Still, in spite of the heavy workload, I managed to squeeze out time every night to message and call my mother, Junkai, and occassionally Luhan, whose voice I barely heard anymore. 

It was in this way that summer faded away, and I watched as the campus' leaves went from bright green to flaming orange, marking the time that had somehow slipped by. With each passing day, it felt like I was wearing a shirt inside out, or like my ears were stuffed with cotton, making everything muffled, gray, and uncomfortable. Luhan had stopped talking about important things, had stopped calling as often as he had in the past. A part of me wondered why. Another part of me wished I didn't care.

He's probably busy with Liwei, and so forgets about me. This thought always made me cringe.

To everyone else, I donned a smile, I studied hard, looking as if I had goals in life. In reality, though, I began to feel the ache in that old, familiar hole in my chest again, began to feel the worry that kept me constantly on edge. Without Lu ge, the world seemed brighter, sharper, less carefree. And so, like this, each day faded away.

Now, it's the Friday before Thanksgiving Break, and I am curled in a fetal position on my bed, calling mom, doing my best to sound okay, or at least happier than I was inside.

"Are you finally taking a break? It should almost be Thanksgiving over there." 

"Yep. But once classes start up again, there's gonna be finals. I got to study."

From her end of the line, I hear my mother tsk tsk-ing again. "Oh really? Then tell me, aren't you dorming with Soomyeon? Where is she right now? She used to be so loud as a child, I should be able to hear her if she were in the room with you." 

I laugh. "Only you'd pay so much attention to detail, Ma. Soomyeon's out eating kbbq under the stars with her boyfriend." 

"Look at that! Not like you, cramming books night and day. Didn't you tell me she was majoring the same thing you are? And that she was doing the internship too? How come she has the time to get a boyfriend and go out to eat?" My mom protests. 

I roll my eyes.  "Ma, Soomyeon doesn't have to work part-time. And she doesn't need to maintain a 4.0 for a scholarship." 

"Even if she doesn't and you do, it still doesn't mean you should starve yourself and ruin your social life."

"How do you know I'm ruining my social life?" I can't help laughing again while sipping on a glass of water. 

"I don't even hear you talking about things you do with your friends, not to mention you having a boyfriend. Look at Soomyeon, she found herself one. What about you? You're twenty one, you'll need to make me a grandson in six years. You need to get out and meet people." The water almost comes out my nose as I splutter and cough. 

"Ma!" I protest, wiping my mouth. "What boyfriend? What grandson? Shouldn't I be more worried about my diploma and that LSAT?" 

I can feel my mother's disapproval through the wire. "Xiulei. No matter how much of a workaholic you want to be, you've got to find a boyfriend and have a family, do you understand?" Her tone is strict as she rants on about the importance of a husband and children. 

"Ma, Ma, I get it, I get it! Get husband, get children, very clear. Let's move on, shall we?" I can't help the annoyance creeping into my voice.

There is a pause and from her side of the phone, I hear her coughing, or more like hacking. I frown; I know from the sound that it had gotten worse. "Ma, are you alright? Did Luhan give you the medicine I told him to bring the last time he visited?" 

My mother sighs. "Yes, he did, and I'm eating it, don't worry." She pauses, considering. "You know, that Luhan boy is very sweet and polite. He would even make an extra stop on his tour, just to help you out. He's such a busy singer, but he still does something like that for you... now don't you think that's sweet?"

I roll my eyes. "What happened to your aversion of professional singers, Ma?"

"Well, I never said I approved of his career!" She protests, but I can tell that she had softened. "I just said he was a nice boy. My thoughts on your marriage to him still stands, don't get me wrong!" 

I feel my face flush in spite of myself. "You... don't have to worry about that, Ma. He's got a girlfriend; she's been his for six months by now. Your daughter's groom won't be him." Plus, he hardly ever talks to me anymore; you're daughter might not even be his friend, at this point, not to mention his wife.

Through the phone, I hear my mother's scoff. "What girlfriend? He did have a girlfriend, a pretty little thing named Yang Liwei. They broke up two months ago, though; it was all over the news. Fans all said she was using him for his fame."

"Since when did you watch entertainment ne-" I stop as her words register. "Wait. THEY WHAT?" Is that why he's ignoring me?

"Broke up." My mother's tone is dry. "Why, you're suddenly interested?" 

My face heats. "Wh-what? What kind of person do you think I am? It's just that Luhan never mentioned it, that's all." 

"Well I'm mentioning it now. So you keep that in mind." I can almost feel my mother's smirk. "Luhan's a good boy."

"Ma-"

"Anyways, I've got to get going. It's almost ten, and I can't be late for my daily grocery shopping; they're having a sale down at Bai Jia supermarket!" She pauses. "Oh yea, and don't call me unless it's urgent, these calls cost money!" She chides.

I sigh. "Alright, Ma. Be careful getting to the store, you know how crazy traffic is in the morning." 

"Yea, yea don't worry about me. Worry about yourself some more!" And with that, she hangs up without saying goodbye. I laugh. She never says goodbye. She never believed in goodbyes.

Turning off my phone, I sigh again, the stone of worry lodged in my chest pressing down like a heavyweight as I think about my mother's cough. It's been half a year... why hasn't it gone away? Flipping over, I look at the ceiling, at the little, glow-in-the-dark stars Soomyeon and I had put up when we first moved in, saying that those were the stars we could wish on for our futures. You'll get that graduation certificate, and then that LLM degree. You'll make her proud. I close my eyes in a silent prayer, wishing hard on those tiny stars. Please, please... let her be okay until then... until I can take care of her...

The door to our dorm swings open and I open my eyes to see the blurry figure of Soomyeon, cartons of takeout in her hands. She flips open the large, overhead light, blotting out the stars on the ceiling. "Xiu, I'm back, and look what dinner I brought yo-" Looking to me, she stops talking and furrows her eyebrows, dropping the containers while rushing over. "Why are you crying?" She asks, gently swiping at the tears on my cheeks. Funny, I hadn't noticed their existence until now.

"It's nothing." I choke out a laugh. "Just a phone call from my mom."

"Did she nag at you to get a boyfriend again? My gosh." Soomyeon laughs as she unboxes the food, dragging me over to our little table. "Eat. And no more crying about boys." 

If only this was about boys. I hold back a sigh and take a bite of the bulgolgi she'd brought instead. "Mm..." The rich taste explodes in my mouth. It's been far too long since I've gone out for kbbq. 

Soomyeon shakes her head with a teasing smile. "Bro, you've been so much of a hermit you've forgotten the taste of bulgolgi. You know, if you joined me and the others, you would've had this all summer long instead of suffering on campus food."

I grin. "If I had this all summer long, it wouldn't taste as good now." I pause, chewing. "Besides, one plate of this costs fifteen dollars." I pat her on the back. "I'll just count on my friend here to bring me back free leftovers from her dates with her new Korean boyfriend."

She rolls her eyes. "My gosh, if you keep making me bring these back, I swear Jihun is gonna think I'm a pig. Maybe I should tell him that I'm feeding all our leftovers to the stingy monster I share a dorm with..." She laughs as I swat her. 

"Jihun won't think you're a pig, you're so skinny." I say between bites. "Not like me, I get fat on air." 

Soomyeon sighs. "If only Jihun thinks that... boys are so complicated." 

Talk about it. No matter how complicated your Jihun is, he can't possibly be weirder than Luhan. So quick to tell me about his crush but then never tells me about the end to his relationship... doesn't that mean he just doesn't want me to get my hopes up for him to be my boyfriend? I frown, swallowing. Even if that were the case... how could he do that? Doesn't he know how much it hurts without him?

I sigh, and decide to think about another, fluffier relationship instead. Turning to Soomyeon, I ask, "You and Jihun doing okay?" 

"Yea. But he never says I'm pretty anymore..." She pouts, her pink lips poofing outward. "Did I get uglier?" 

I snort over the bulgolgi. "How did you get into Stanford, Soomi? Use your brain... Jihun's a guy, and he doesn't need to flirt anymore now that you're his girlfriend. You guys are probably nearing that comfortable stage, where words like that aren't necessary. He still likes you just the same." 

Soomyeon thinks a while, and then smiles brightly. "You're right. He did say he loved me before I left... maybe that's better than 'you're beautiful'." 

I almost facepalm. Soomyeon might be smart when it comes to law and memorizing things, but she is seriously an airhead when it comes to guys. 

From my right, my phone buzzes. Looking down, I see Junkai's new message: "In LA's Hollywood for filming for a month. You free this week? I heard you guys would be on some fall-holiday so you better not say you're busy." In spite of my worries for my mom and my confused feelings over Luhan, I grin at his invitation. 

"Huh... Junkai? Who's that? Is he asking you out?" Soomyeon asks, her head to the left of mine, trying to read my screen. 

"W-wei! Privacy!" I scold, cheeks flushing at her words.

"My gosh, he is! And your reaction is priceless!" She laughs at my hot face. I roll my eyes. 

"It's seriously not like that. He's just a friend, really!" I protest.

"Uh huh, right. You said you picked up your now-amazing makeup tips and clothing sense from that stylist you met in China. Are you sure you didn't meet a handsome guy too?"

Well... I met two handsome guys, but that's beside the point... "No! He's... just a normal friend." 

"Right. A normal friend that gets invited to Hollywood to film." 

"Um..."

Looking at Soomyeon's smirk, I know I have a lot of explaining to do. 

This is going to be a long night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I get off the plane in the LAX airport two mornings later, dragging my hard-skinned mini suitcase behind me, the booted heels that Soomyeon had forced me to wear clicking against the polished floor. Outside, I am greeted by a dark van pulling up, the doors unlocking and a dark head poking itself out. 

"Wow." Junkai gives a low whistle while pulling me into the car. "In China, you'd said that that stylist friend of yours was the only person that could make you pretty. Either you were lying, or you've learned the art of fashion." He laughs at my reddening cheeks.

"It's not that I wanted to dress up for you or anything, don't get the wrong idea!" I protest, feeling my face heat even more. "I-It's just that my roommate saw your text and thought you... uh... liked me." I look away, more embarrased at the ridiculous idea now that I'd said it out loud. "She practically forced me to get on the plane here, and dolled me up in her stuff before I left. She packed my suitcase, too... god knows what she put in there." I chuckle a little. 

"You're cute when you're flustered, you know that?" Junkai shoots me a shy grin. "And... well, I can't say that you're roommate thought wrong." 

"Huh?" My eyebrows shoot up in a questioning look. 

"Er... nothing. She has a nice sense of style. Those boots really fit you." The boy scratches at the base of his neck awkwardly.

I ignore his weird gesture, instead joking, "You have no idea how much paper she stuffed in there so that they'd fit." He laughs at my words.

After a moment of silence, he asks, "You said that your roommate... her name is Soomyeon, right? You said that she made you come and visit me? Does that mean you really would've pulled the busy card on me if it weren't for her?" His voice sounds quieter than usual, more uncertain.

I look away, guilty. "Well... um. To be fair... I really am busy, though! Part time jobs, essays, finals to study for-" 

"So you would've put me on hold. I see how it is; I'm not as important." Junkai jokes while feigning a pained expression. I can't help giggling at the comical frown he wore. 

"You're an actor, you could've at least made that look more real."

"Shh... don't even start about acting. That Hollywood director really is seriously getting on my nerves. Haven't heard someone go so much into the basics of theatrical works since college." 

I roll my eyes. "If you're already filming, how do you still have time to ask me to give you a tour of California?" 

"This'll only, like, take a day, gosh. That's not much time!" Junkai says innocently. "Plus, it's not a tour of California, it's legit just a tour of Disney. My childhood dream... you can't just not grant me my dreams, right?" 

"And here I was thinking your dreams was to be a global actor... guess I was wrong..." 

The boy pouts. "Well, that too. A person can have many dreams, isn't the phrase in English 'the sky's the limit'?"

I laugh. "Your English is pretty on point. That director taught you well." 

"Pff. My English skills were always on point, what are you talking about?" Then, turning to the driver, he asks in accented, but otherwise flawless English for him to take us to Anaheim. I give him a thumbs up, impressed. 

"When'd you pick it up? I remember as a fangirl, watching your English interviews, you never sounded so fluent before." 

Junkai pretends to wipe away a tear. "Look at you, criticizing your idol. What kind of fangirl does that?" He shakes his head as I laugh. "Besides, I picked it up after I met you." He looks away, slightly embarrased. "I figured I was coming to California someday, I might as well learn the language." 

"Coming to California? You had plans to come here? Was it for Hollywood?" 

Junkai stares at me as if I was missing a point. I frown, confused. After a moment of silence, he finally chuckles. "Sure, Hollywood. Yea." Pausing, he presses his index finger into my cheek. "But even if I did just come here for Hollywood, I would still ask you to give me that tour of Disney."

Pushing his finger away, I grin. "Fine, fine, bossy-pants. We're going there already, just give it another hour's drive."