XIULEI

After seven hours stuck in a train car, I finally arrive at the Beijing station. Lugging my suitcases behind me, I pull out my cell phone, dialing Luhan’s number.

Three rings later, he finally picks up. “Wei?” At his voice, my heartbeat involuntarily races. I facepalm, telling myself to get a grip.

Yea, two years in America has definitely only made you like him more.

Which is only a good idea if you're feeling masochistic and want to get hurt; SNAP OUT OF IT XIULEI!

“Wei, Xiulei? You there?” Luhan's voice wakes me out of my daze.

“U-uh yea, hi! Um… I just arrived at the station.” I say, suddenly nervous. “W-where’s the driver you promised me?”

“Turn around.” He commands in a soft voice.

I groan into the receiver, my nervousness fading with my growing annoyance. “Luhan, I'm tired and I just want to get to that hotel you booked… can we not play these ‘turn around’ games-” I turn in spite of my words and then almost drop my phone.

“L-Lu ge?” I say into the cell, incredulous, my eyes wide with surprise. There he was, standing behind me, the familiar black face mask and ball cap covering his face. He gives me a cheerful,  two wave, grinning.

“I'm your driver and your hotel is the guest room of my apartment. Let's go already; I've been waiting for you to come back; there's a lot I want to talk to you about.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wei, this is the first time I’ve ever had you drive me and it feels like a freaking roller coaster. Are you sure this is safe?” I glance nervously at the darkening sky and rapidly passing street through his car’s tinted windows. Even if it was the end of rush hour, that didn't give Luhan an excuse to be driving this fast.

“Don't worry, pabo, I'm already going slow. This is a highway for godssake; did you never drive on one when you got your license?” The idiot smirks.

I roll my eyes. “Sure, whatever you say. I won’t mess with the driver.”

“Smart of you.” He replies smugly.

Turning on his stereo, I flip through the stations, landing on one playing Junkai’s new album. I smile, leaning back while enjoying his harmonization. From the driver’s seat, I see Luhan’s grimace. “Him again? You already blasted his music in this car the time you came over last winter. Even my driver was scarred. This car is, like, tainted.” He complains.

I snort. “Well, this is exactly what fangirls do. They blast their idol’s music and binge their albums. You know, the one that we’re listening to right now, it’s the one that just came out last week-”

“How are you still his fangirl after four years, my gosh.” Luhan interrupts grumpily.

“The salt in your voice be real.” I laugh. “I mean, I don't see your LuFans going anywhere even after seven years. So what's your problem, huh?” I tease.

Luhan huffs, not replying. I roll my eyes. “Fine, fine. I'll turn off the stereo, chill.”

Switching it off, we sit in silence as Lu ge cruises down the highway. After a while, I ask, “Where's your apartment anyways? Why didn't you book me a hotel?”

“Don't you remember the cost last time? I'm trying to save you money, pabo. And my apartment is in the central district of Beijing. We’ll be there in about ten minutes.”

“That reminds me. How do you even have the nerve to mention last time? No one told you to book me a five star hotel in the fanciest part of Beijing! A three star one would've done just fine.” I complain with a groan. “I’m still setting aside tips from my jobs to pay off that chunk of credit.”

“But a three star one isn’t as safe and the service isn't as good. I was thinking on your behalf.” Luhan says innocently.

“It wasn’t your wallet.”

“If it was, it still wouldn’t hurt.” He smirks.

I roll my eyes. “Rich boy, I swear. Someday, you are seriously gonna have a taste of this.” I ball my hand into a fist and pat it threateningly.

“You wouldn’t do that… I know you love me too much, sis.” He shoots me a grin. “Besides, you don’t have to worry about the bill this time. My apartment is free and ready for use. Look at your ge, thinking ahead.”

“How good of you.” I say dryly. “You really don’t think that it’s a bad idea to keep a girl that’s... “ I pause, feeling my cheeks heat. “Um… not your girlfriend… in your apartment with you? What would the media say if they found out...”

Luhan chuckles while pulling into a residential area, where the streets begin to narrow out. “If that ever happens, I’ll just tell them you’re my little sister, coming for a visit.” I flinch, and then quickly raise my eyes to focus on his profile, hoping he didn’t see that small grimace. I sigh in relief when his eyes remain focused on the road.

“But they probably won’t find out; the media doesn’t know where I live. Only saesangs do, and they haven’t stopped by anytime recently.” Luhan continues.

“Really now…” I murmur, looking out of the passenger-side window. After a moment of silence, I ask, “So what was it that you wanted to talk to me about? What’s important enough to make the nation’s idol Luhan take time out of his hectic schedule to pick me up personally?” I laugh.

“What, a guy can’t just miss his sis? It’s been half a year, yeesh.” Luhan smiles. “Plus, I have the rest of the night off; I was thinking to let you drop off your stuff and freshen up. And then go to that hotpot place for dinner, the one we didn’t get to go to last winter? After that, we could just go wherever and catch up.”

“Catch up on...”

Luhan doesn’t reply, only looking down, his ears suddenly red.

“Uh… Luhan?”

“I’ll tell you later.” He promises. “Anyways, um… how long are you staying this time? Are you going to be here on Sunday?” He changes the subject.

“Why’re you asking specifically about Sunday?”

Luhan huffs, insulted. “Well, if you pay any attention to your feed on Baidu at all, you’d know that I’m hosting the concerts for my fifth album this this upcoming week, and the first one is this Sunday in Beijing. You should come… maybe then you’ll see how much better I am than your precious Junkai.” Luhan looks over, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

I frown. “Um… about that…”

“Come on, please? You’ve never come to a concert before, it’d be really nice if you came to this one…” Luhan begs, eyeing me with an expression that made him look like a five year old asking for a reward.

I bite my lip, thinking back to my schedule, my departing flight Saturday morning, and my impending two year imprisonment at Stanford.

“A-actually…” I watch his face droop, crestfallen. I feel a pang of guilt in my chest.

I don’t think I can say no. After all… remember how important those stages are to him? And… I just got here; I don’t want to bring up leaving...

“Alright. Sure.” I say, lying. Somehow, I still can’t get the words for that imminent goodbye out from its place, lodged deep in my throat. I’ll have a week to tell him; surely I’ll be able to say it by then.

He smiles, eyes crinkling into twin crescents. “I’m holding you to that. It’ll be a good concert, I swear. Even better now that you’re going.”

I force a smile. “Yea…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After swallowing the last of the hotpot, its steam still rising like a curtain over our faces, Luhan picks up the tab for the first time without my cajoling. I stare at him in surprise.

“Wow, such a gentleman. I’m actually not used to this type of treatment.” I joke.  

“Well… I ordered the couple hotpot. It’s, like, fifteen percent cheaper, so of course I’ll pay. See, I’m such a nice person.” He gives me a cheeky grin.

“Th-the hell, LUHAN! You ordered the WHAT?” I ask, cheeks red.

“It… it was cheaper!” He stammers.

“You little…”

“Wei, you pay the bill next time, then! You’d choose the best deal too!” Luhan protests.

I roll my eyes. “Stingy. You’d even label us as a couple to get a deal.”

Luhan gives me a little pat on my shoulder. “Well, we know the truth. That’s all that matters.”

I try to keep a smile on my face, but it’s unsteady. “R-right.”

Lu ge ruffles my hair, grinning. “Come on. Let me take you somewhere.” He pulls me up, hands intertwining with mine. I feel my heart lurch unsteadily, and I swallow hard.

“Wh-where?”

“You’ll see.” He smiles.

Luhan drags me to his car and then drives us to one of the largest parks in Beijing. Staring at the gates glowing in the darkness, I am suddenly reminiscent; this was a place I used to visit regularly when studying at YCIS… at first alone, and then, after December, with some friends that I’d managed to make. Looking up, I see Luhan’s smile. “Come on.” He says again, grabbing my arm and pulling me along.

We come to a small opening overlooking a large lake, the most scenic place I knew in the park. I sit on a nearby bench, taking Luhan’s wrist and dragging him down with me.

“You said that after dinner was catch up time. Talk.” I prompt.

Luhan looks away, eyes watching the ground. In that one glance, I remember our conversation from long ago, the one where he’d joked that if he ever looked unsure, it was because of a girl. My heart throbs erratically, and I will it to stop, stop beating altogether. My gosh, Xiulei. This is the nth time your heartbeat has been affected. Stop. Falling. For. Him.

Logically, I know it is a bad idea to get any closer to him. I know that if I do, I’d somehow manage go back to America with a part of me still left in his palms. Despite this, I attempt at a smile and nudge his arm. “Come on. Tell.” Luhan finally looks at me, a small grin on his lips.

“When did you become so impatient, little sis?”

I laugh. “When have I ever been patient?”

“True.” He is silent again.

“What’s wrong with you? You’ve been too quiet.” He doesn’t answer, his eyes on the lake across from us, on the skyline. I nudge him again.

Finally, he speaks. “Have you… ever been in love?” Luhan’s voice is soft, hesitant. I don’t reply, feeling the twist in my gut, the understanding that he was about to say something I didn’t want to hear. Besides, how could I answer that question? I say that I am in love with him? No.

He laughs softly, not waiting for a response. “What am I asking… you’re only twenty. Too young to understand.”

I flinch involuntarily, feeling the familiar ache from the hole in my chest as I remember. I don’t understand? He’s got to be kidding. I, the one who’d lost so many people that I loved, don’t understand?

“Love.” I pause, watching as he turns his gaze to me. “It’s a fragile feeling. Almost like something will blow me over and then I'm left falling. Is that what you mean?”

He leans back, tilting his face up towards the sky. I watch his adam’s apple bob from a nervous swallow. “Yea. So you know how it feels, huh?”

I’m feeling it right now. I always feel it, next to you.

Trying to ignore my thoughts, I nod, hoping I don't blush. Luhan grins, eyes becoming crescents. “So who is this lucky guy that’s got my sister’s heart tied in knots, eh?”

I punch his arm, smiling half-heartedly. “I should be asking you that question. You never really were the romantic type. So why bring this up now?” I pause, and then lean in closer, laughing. “Oh my god, is Luhan finally in love?” The telltale pink in his cheeks is answer enough. Something inside my chest tightens, hurting.

Stop it.

“You are! Who is it? Do I know her? Which star?”

Luhan smiles. “Aiyo, so enthusiastic.” He shakes his head. “You… might know her. She’s… uh...  Liwei.”

They’re on a first name basis?

“Are you telling me… you’re in love with…” I pause, running a list of names and faces through my head. My eyes widen. “Yang Liwei? The rising singer? Popular with the media, tall, pretty?” I try to keep the emotion from showing in my voice. It must’ve worked, because Luhan’s only response was a small laugh and a shy nod.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. You’re… have you told her yet? You should tell her. How did you get to know her? Is she a close friend?” Do you call her every night like you do with me? Do you meet with her more than you do with me?

Luhan smiles, and in his eyes I see happiness. Pure happiness. I should be glad that she can make him so happy. Not jealous, not hurt.

“I’ve known her since grade school. We were deskmates in our fifth year. She used to hate me; one time, she even used chalk and drew a line on the table, telling me I couldn’t cross it.” I laugh at the thought.

“What about now? Have you loved her since then? Why did you never tell me about this?” I pout, crossing my arms. Luhan ruffles my hair, a gesture I was getting far too old for.

“She... was my first crush, ever." Luhan gives an embarassed chuckle. "We drifted apart after I’d left for Korea. A few years after I came back- I think it was when you were eighteen- she sent me a message. She said that she’d watched all of my performances, and she herself was on her way to becoming a singer. She wanted to be friends, so we started talking more… and now…” He runs a hand through his bangs, another shy smile on his lips.

“You never told me.” I say. “Have you told her about this yet?”

“I haven’t told her… and of course I didn’t tell you.  You were too young when I first fell…” His voice fades, cutting off the words ‘in love’. I frown, confused. “Anyhow, I’m telling you now, right? Isn’t that enough?”

“Of course it’s not enough, pabo! And there I was, spilling all my dark secrets to you on that rooftop, god. So much regret.” I pretend to be insulted. “And besides, why don’t you tell her? You’re Luhan. You can get any girl.” I say, knowing the words were true.

He looks away, ears obviously red, even in the dark of the night. “I don’t… whenever I’m with her… I don’t know what to say. She makes this beat too fast.” He touches the left side of his chest. “And… it’s hard to breathe, hard to think.” He pauses, then states, “Besides. If she were to say no, that might ruin our friendship. And I don’t think I could stand that.”

Something inside feels like it’s cracking. But I swallow hard, pushing past the lump in my throat. I can do this. I can keep smiling.

“W-well… I don’t think it would be an end to your friendship, especially since you’ve known her for so long. And, if she were to say no, she’d be an idiot. Everyone loves you.” I say, feeling the heat in my cheeks. What the hell… what did I just admit...

Luhan laughs. “So you’re saying you love me, too?” He asks, eyebrows raised, teasing.

I can’t help but look away, feeling the full onslaught of emotions in my chest. Longing, wanting, needing. I force a laugh.

“Pft. You should know your limit, pabo. I’m not everyone, and you know it.” I meet his eyes, hoping my feelings are masked by my smile. “I know far too much about you to think that you’re perfect, far too much to worship you like everyone else.”

“Oh really?” Luhan challenges, leaning closer. “I’d like to see you tell me you don’t love me.” He laughs, watching me. “Come on, say it. I dare you.”

Looking into his eyes, I see the park’s dim street lights reflecting an amber glow in the orbs, despite the dark. They’re so deep, so warm, crinkled and smiling. Why is it that I’ve fallen for him, for someone who I could never be with? I am just hurting myself.

“I-” My voice breaks, and I cover it with a cough. Come on, you can do this. “I don’t love you, Luhan. So stop being so full of yourself.” My tone is joking, casual. There now. You can stop loving him. You admitted it.

He grins, but for some reason, it doesn’t seem to reach his eyes, as if he was hurt that I said what I did. Stop fooling yourself. I look away, pretending I hadn't seen his expression.

Luhan’s voice cuts into my thoughts. “See. Not everyone loves me. Liwei probably doesn’t, either.”

I roll my eyes. “Like I said, she’d be an idiot if she didn’t like you. You’re the best, always the best.” He doesn’t look at me, instead turning back to the lake. “What? Are you scared of initiating?” I tease.

Luhan pauses, embarrassed. “Kind of like that... yea.” His voice is soft.

Inside, my chest clenches at his words. Why is it that he loves her, so much that he was willing to admit that he was afraid? He’s never admitted something like that before.

On impulse, I turn to him, straddling the bench, putting on my brightest smile. “Well… how about this? Let me help you.”

Luhan rolls his eyes, grinning. “And how do you think you can do that?”

“You can practice confessing. With me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LUHAN

You can practice confessing. With me.

I try to keep the emotion from showing on my face. Is she serious? I look back at Xiulei. Her smile is sweet, but her eyes are guarded, as if trying to protect herself. I feel an involuntary twist in my chest, as if my heart had done something wrong, skipped a beat.

Luhan. Thoughts like these are dangerous.

Xiulei frowns. “Well, okay, forget that offer. Whatever suits you.” She pouts, and I laugh at the gesture. It looked too childish on her.

She begins to turn back towards the lake, but, involuntarily, my hand grabs her arm, pulling her back to face me. She flinches, and I see a slow blush rising from her neck. Why is she blushing?  “L-Luhan?”

“Yang Liwei, I…” I try to picture her face over Xiulei’s. It works, and for a second, I see her small smile and large, cat-like eyes. But then the image fades, and it's just me with Xiulei again, and my heart… is beating too hard, too fast.

The words come rushing out  from my mouth. I am unable to stop them. Xiulei, I...

“I remember the first time I saw you smile, remember the first time I heard you laugh. I remember being happy, so happy, because those were two precious things, the first gifts you gave to me. I remember you telling me about your life, confessing your weaknesses, not knowing that those were just your strengths in disguise. You made me want to protect you, to hold you through everything and to dry your tears.” The look in Xiulei’s eyes are confusing me. They look scared, helpless, and something else, something I couldn’t name.

“Sometimes you were the most annoying person in the world. Teasing and torturing me was your favorite past time, but somehow I didn't mind, because it meant that you saw me as someone ordinary, not someone untouchable, unreachable.” I lean in closer, mind hazy. My hand is still holding on to Xiulei, pulling her towards me. I never want to let go.

“You made me crazy with worry, do the craziest things, but I was willing because I wanted to be someone you could learn to trust. With you, I could laugh; I was the person I used to be before the world took me away. I felt comfortable, but at the same time, you made me feel strange, as if there was something in my chest that was too tight, something that messed up my heartbeat. How I feel now, how I feel by your side... it is nerve wracking and scary and it's as if I'm doing something right, even though I know that my feelings for you are so wrong… I shouldn't want you, I shouldn't need you. But I do. Why is that? Why is it that I know I'm wrong but this feels so right?” I look into her eyes, and they are soft, shining with tears. I see her bite her lip, as if afraid to say something.

My voice is quiet, uncertain. “Please, tell me… am I… am I really in love with you?”

My heart clenches, asking for an answer, and I tilt her head up towards mine, searching for it in her face. Her lips are so close, centimeters away. I want to kiss her; I slip my hand around her waist and bring her closer.

“I'm so tired.” I murmur, feeling her breath against my cheek. “So, so tired. But I can't let you go. Damnit, I want you. I need you, so please…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

XIULEI

“Why is it that I know I'm wrong but this feels so right?” Luhan’s voice trembles. I feel the tears gathering in my eyes, feel every pore in my body yearning for him. Please, I need you, I love you. Love me too. I bite my lip, trying to keep the words locked up inside me, hating how petty and weak I sounded.

This is for Liwei. The thought brings more tears, as the pain quickly cutting through the longing. My chest hurts, the hole hurts. I just want him closer...

Luhan’s eyes are glazed, confused. “Please, tell me… am I… am I really in love with you?” His hands grip mine tightly, as if afraid I would run away. He pushes my face up to meet his, lips almost, almost touching. I feel my chest swell and heartbeat pound, a strong desire urging me to place my mouth over his. Luhan leans in even closer, and I fight to keep my eyes open instead of letting them shut, instead of letting myself fall into him.

For Liwei, for Liwei…

“I'm so tired. So, so tired. But I can't let you go. Damnit, I want you. I need you, so please…”

For Liwei… Liwei.. Li-

His lips brush against my forehead, warm and soft and surreal. He stays like this, arms surrounding me, lips against me. I forget that this was all meant for Liwei and not for me, forget the hole in my chest, forget everything but Luhan. Inside, a small piece of reality is trying to pull me away, but it is drowned out by the fact that, in this make believe moment, we are in love.