TWENTY ONE

LUHAN

In our calls and messages, we never spoke of the video she’d left behind, the concert she didn’t attend, the half-year that came and went without seeing each other in person. Instead, she talked about Stanford. About the heavy workload, sleeping in the library, her two part-time jobs, her mother’s declining health. I talked about my stages and events, and visiting her mother for her in early November while on tour.

Despite our avoiding the topic, though, I never once forgot the words she said that day she left.

Me, who didn’t believe in love, who didn’t believe in miracles, who didn't believe in that cliche storyline... but now the roles are reversed, and you showed me what it means… to love again.

Thank you, Luhan.

I also love you, also care for you…

Goodbye…

Sitting alone on my apartment complex’s balcony, they refrain again and again, drowning out the sound of Lao Gao’s gaming from inside. Silently, I apologize for the nth time in my mind.

I'm sorry Xiulei, I've called you less in these last six months. I was confused... I still am confused. About Liwei. About you. About how I should feel about you. And so we never mention the important things anymore, never really talk. I'm sorry... and I...

I miss you.

Absently, I let my index finger trace over Xiulei’s glowing face, the screen of my phone emitting a gentle warmth on my skin. I stare down at the picture, a sad smile etched on my cheeks. I remember that night distinctly, our last night meeting together, when Xiulei had been eighteen and about to leave for college in America. I’d snapped this just as she’d turned around, her eyes wide and slightly swollen from her tears, a half-smile on her face. The yellow rose in her hair.

I should have chosen the red rose. A wistful smile finds its way onto my face.

From inside, I hear Lao Gao’s control tapping, the booming sound effects indicating that he’d shot and won. I let my thoughts drift past the sounds of his machine gun rounding bullets.

Anyone else looking at the picture wouldn’t know that she’d chased after me after seeing my lens was up… she hates having photos done that much… I smile absentmindedly, replaying the moment she'd run towards me with a face tightened into an angry scowl, the tears that had been in her eyes replaced by a fierce glare.

Anything is better than your tears.

“You like her.” Lao Gao’s voice breaks me from my thoughts. His eyes are on my phone’s screen. I shut it quickly, reflexively. . When did he come out here??

“So this is the type of girl you like? I never knew. How come you never told me?” He asks, saying it slowly, almost judgmentally.

I don't look him in the eye, feeling my ears heat. “W-what do you mean? I… I don't like her.”

“Ge men, you can stop lying. Your ears are giving it away.” Lao Gao smirks, giving my left ear a tug.

Damn my ears. I cover them guiltily.

"You know, when you rejected my offer of gaming, I thought it was because you were still moping over Liwei and not in the mood. I guess not, huh? You decided to move on to a new girl.” Lao Gao teases, grabbing my phone from my hands and typing in the password. I frown.

“Hey! There’s something called privacy, you know.”

“Says the person who’s been using the same password since he was seventeen.” He ignores my protests, staring down at what I'd been looking at. I resist the urge to grab it away, instead watching as his eyes light up in recognition and a smirk spreads across his face.

“Huh. Luhan… is this who I think it is...” He asks slowly, eyebrows shooting up with his words. “Huh… funny… I vaguely remember a little girl asking me to do her a favor last summer… something about a goodbye video.” He eyes me, noticing my visible flinch. “And now you’re looking at a photo of that same little girl. So, tell me if I'm too slow or if I'm going crazy or whatever, but is the national idol Luhan in love with a… teenage fan?”

Stop smirking, you brat.

“You know, you think too highly of yourself. Has it ever occurred to you that your memory and the girl that asked you for the favor is different from this one? You don’t know all of my friends, Lao Gao; my world doesn’t revolve around you.” I grumble.

“Well, yes, it has occurred to me. But I remember that girl far too well… her face is, like, etched into my mind.” He grins teasingly. “She said she was your friend, your little sister, and wanted to leave a message for you. VERY different from the other fans I’ve met. In fact… I remember you introducing her to me yourself… what was her name...” He waves the picture in front of me while staring at it contemplatively, having the nerve to paste half a grin on his face.

“Aish… I forgot! Sad. Anyways, even if I don’t remember her name, I remember her! And she’s definitely this girl. So tell me, Luhan, why are you out at…” Lao Gao stares intensely at the photo. “It says here, this was taken at four in the morning, so... why are you going out at four in the morning nowadays with someone who just got out of being a minor?” He raises his eyebrows suggestively, and I feel my whole face redden.

“It’s not what you think, you ! And, if you look at the date a little more closely, Sherlock, you'll see that that was taken three years ago. Hardly considered nowadays.”

He stares at the photo a bit more. Then he turns back to me, his voice dead serious. “That still doesn't explain why, one,” He raises a finger. “You're friends with someone who is eleven years your junior and not in the entertainment industry. Two,” His second finger goes up. “You were out with said person at four in the morning, because as I recall, we never hold fanmeets that early. And three,” Oh god here we go. “You were looking at her with the same expression you were staring at Yang Liwei with just a few months ago.”

I flinch. “Way to be blunt.”

“Just pointing it out. You do know what the media would say if they were the ones that caught you looking all lovey dovey at this girl just two months after you broke up with-”

“I'm not looking at her like that.” I say adamantly. "And it's not like that." 

Lao Gao sighs, exasperated. “Why do you even bother with the act? It won't work on me, and you know it.” I protest again, only to have him shush me, squinting at the phone screen as if he were racking his brain for something.

“Now that I think hard about it… the name… she’s… oh my god.”  

“What?”

“That girl.”

“Huh?”

“From the airport!”

“Lao Gao, please, can you speak in complete sentences? You're usually very articulate, and yet now you-”

“Stop changing the subject. You think I can't see through your feeble tactics?” I sigh, rolling my eyes.

“Well, there are a lot of girls at the airport. A mob full each time, usually. So which one was so special that my best friend remembered her, eh?” I wiggle my eyebrows teasingly.

“Shut. Up. The only reason I remember her was because I remember my best friend staring at her, and I remember the girl’s friend giving you the note, which might I add, you still have.”

I stare at him, mouth agape. This time I am actually surprised. “T-the hell. How did you know that?!”

“I... may or may not have gone through your drawers at some point… But, that's beside the point.” Lao Gao laughs nervously at the daggers I shoot at him. “S-so, uh, is... that her?” He gestures at the phone again.

“Her who?” I challenge. No way was I admitting anything until he at least gave me a name.

“Xiulei.”

. I underestimated him big time.

“U-um… why do you think her name is Xiulei?” I stammer nervously.  

Lao Gao rolls his eyes. “Ge men, you told me her name was Xiulei that time at the airport six years ago. It was written on the note that you picked up after I threw it away, the one you saved until now. And then, you introduced me to a Xiulei last summer, and she asked me to do her a favor. I remembered her face, and now she shows up again on your phone. I’m not stupid, and I’m not old enough to get Alzheimer’s; I remember things, okay?”

I look away, guilty as charged. Since when was his memory this good?

“So…” Lao Gao interrupts the momentary silence. “You like her.”

“I never said that.”

“You didn't have to.” He pauses, first thinking and then shooting me a wicked grin. “And I have a way to prove that you do; just answer this question.”

“What question?” I ask flatly.

“You and Xiulei stayed in contact for so many years… you guys seem close. Plus, you would risk the media and go out with her at four in the morning. Therefore, I think this is a valid assumption…” He takes a breath. “Luhan… was Xiulei the girl in that photo with you on the rooftop four years ago?”

I stare at him blankly. How come he even remembers that? Sighing in the face of his suddenly accurate memory, I reply, “Yep.”

I see the smirk grow on his face as he looks at me knowingly. “See, you definitely like her.”

“For the third time tonight, Lao Gao, no I don't.”

He laughs. “Ge men, you won't be able to fool me. Now your ears and your face are both red.”

Ugh. I look away, signifying my defeat. My friend laughs again.

“I never thought you were the type to fall for a fan, Luhan. Moreover, a fan young enough to be your baby sister.”

I shrug. “I don't even know if… if I like her. I'm just really confused. Maybe... maybe these wrong thoughts, feelings... they're just after-effects of the dramatic breakup with Liwei. Yea... that's got to be it.” I try to convince myself.

He eyes me, and seeing that I was serious, he stops laughing. “What do you mean, who said that your thoughts are wrong? For godssake, they might even be more right than those you had when you decided to date Liwei.”

I shake my head. “Ge men... you don't understand; I've always thought of Xiulei as nothing more than a sister, someone I needed to protect. That's... that's how I'm supposed to think of her.”

“And what if you took 'supposed to' out of the question?”

“H-huh?”

“What if you don't consider how you believe it's supposed to be and just follow your heart instead of thinking so much?” He asks dryly.

I feel my face heat at the question. Following my heart... Finally, I reply, “I… I don't know… I thought I followed my heart by going with Liwei, but…”

“Xiulei was the reason you ended things with her.” Lao Gao says it like a statement instead of a question.

“What? No! Well… maybe... just… I… I don't know.” I raise my hands helplessly. “I'd told Xiulei about it, and she'd offered to help me with Liwei. I asked her how, and she said for me to confess to her, as a practice. And-”

“Wait, wait, what? You were telling someone eleven years younger than you, someone who was your fan, about your love life?”

I look at Lao Gao flatly. “You have a problem with that?”

He just shakes his head in exasperation. “You know what, whatever. I give up trying to logic with you. Just continue.”

I roll my eyes at his interruption, but do as he says anyways. “I… I didn't think too much about it at first. I really thought of the confession as a practice… but somehow, when I looked at Xiulei, I didn't, couldn't, think of Liwei at all. All I could see was… her, and everything I'd said in the confession had been for… oh I don't know. I think… I think I'd confessed about her.”

Lao Gao watches me in disbelief. “Let me get this straight. You practiced confessing to Liwei, and you did it with Xiulei... yes?”

I nod.

“And when you confessed, you were thinking about Xiulei?”

I nod again, slower.

“And… you still went out with Liwei?”

I bury my face in my hands. “Xiulei was a twenty year old and I was thirty one. She was about to go back to college in America, Lao Gao. I couldn't have fallen for her, even if I wanted to.”

“You let her go?” He says, incredulous.

“She had her life in front of her. She still has her life in front of her. As a brother, I can't be something that holds her back, especially from her dreams.”

“But as a lover-”

“I never said I loved her.”

Lao Gao is quiet for a while. “But you do.” He says, softly. I shake my head, which is still buried in my arms. “No, listen to me, you idiot. You do. That time you met her in the airport. She'd only been a little girl, but you'd been the one blushing when you looked away. The time when you called me at one in the morning, begging me to get my friend to help you track down a phone number… you should have heard your own voice, Luhan. You were panicking. And in that picture that they shot of the two of you. You were holding her like you were willing to protect her forever.” He chuckles. “It's been six years, Luhan. How do you not realize it yet?”

I groan, almost inaudibly. “I am nothing but a brother to her.”

“But she is more than just a sister to you.”

I don't lift my head, and Lao Gao sighs, for probably the fifth time this night. “What makes her so special, anyways? Tell me the truth. I need to know what is so special about this little girl that she can make my best friend go crazy, crazy enough to confuse her with China’s next big star. Because, honestly, to me, Xiulei just looks… alright. Nothing extraordinary.” Lao Gao says, tilting his head in a question. Waiting.

I think about his question. He wasn’t wrong. Xiulei didn’t have the extraordinary figure that everyone in the industry had to maintain. She didn’t have the best skin, or the best curves. She hadn’t even fit my original expectations for an ideal girlfriend, not to mention the .

But I still fell for her. I finally admit it to myself, the confusion disappearing at my realization.

“I… I like her “alright”-ness.” I begin after a while. “I like that she's ordinary, that the ‘idol burden’ doesn't exist for her. In the entertainment world, where every move is monitored, every moment is documented by a million camera flashes and a million eyes… who can blame us for having an idol burden?” I lift my head, the emotion getting the better of me. My voice is tight. “Even Liwei; I never told you this, but... she'd gone out with me to raise her own fame.” I flinch again. “Like you've always told me… sometimes I trust people too easily. Even after all these years in this industry, I was still blind enough to miss the fact that Liwei only dated me for her own gains. In a way, everyone in entertainment is constantly doing things for gains… creating relationships only because they might help in the future. That's part of their ‘idol burden’; that's part of my ‘idol burden’. But Xiulei… she isn't a part of this world. And the way she acts, her “alright”-ness. It's all… all a refreshing break from all this pretending.”

Lao Gao nods, slowly. “I… see. So you’re into the ordinary type that you don’t have to put a front up with. At least you can be honest about it to yourself now.” He pauses with a grin, and then leans in closer, almost conspiringly. “You know, I don’t think she doesn’t have feelings for you, ge men. What did she say to you in that goodbye video she asked me to help with? Did she sneak an ‘I like you’ in there somewhere? Girls love to do that. If she did… and now you admit that you like her-”

“If that were the case, I have to be nothing but her brother.” I reply adamantly.

“Oh. My. God. Luhan. You are so stubborn.”

“I’m not being stubborn.”

“Yes you are! You like her, she probably likes you. The worst case scenario is that she rejects you, which I doubt will happen. The second worse case is your fans exploding, but they already had that trial run with Liwei so they should be better this time… besides, if you want to avoid that, you can always do an underground relationship-”

I shake my head, exasperated. “Fine. Let's say I do confess to her and she's stupid enough to say yes-”

“On the contrary, I'm sure a million girls would say yes, even a couple guys. So, again, I don't think rejection will be an issue.”

I facepalm, head still shaking. Not the point.

“Even if she says yes, what good will it do her? Her life is in America now. And even if she does move back like she wanted to, what would the publicity do to her? How would it change her? Would she turn into someone like Liwei, using me as a stepping stool for her social ladder? Or worse, would she be insecure, afraid? You said so yourself, Lao Gao. She doesn't look, act, or dress like a star. And, honestly, I don't want her to.”

“I think that she has a right in deciding whether or not she wants you as a boyfriend, whether or not she wants this life as your girlfriend.”

“Like I said, she thinks of me as a brother. Or... she should. And, besides, even if she does choose this life… she's just a little girl. She doesn't know how vicious the rumors could be.”

Lao Gao smiles, wanly. “You forget that she was here, too, when the reports came out with the picture of you two together. She probably read the comments herself. And I'm sure she's read what the netizens thought about you and Liwei’s relationship. She knows, knows more than you want her to know.”

I sigh. He was right. She did know more than I wanted her to, and that's why I had to protect her. “She would feel hated, would feel insecure, unfitting of this position. She won't…” I pause, telling my biggest fear. “She won't… believe in me.” My voice is low.

“If she doesn’t, it would be your job to make her believe. To make her feel secure. To make her feel fitting, because, honestly, I've never heard you say more about a girl besides ‘Oh, she’s pretty’, even when it came to Liwei. And, now that you have, I think that the girl that can make you care so much, make you feel so much, make you want to man up and protect her… she's the one that fits with you.”

I shake my head. “I… could be ruining her life.”

“Or you could be making it better.” Lao Gao shrugs. “Either way, it's unfair to her if you don't tell her. You aren't giving her a chance.” He pats my shoulder, gently. “Hey. Don't think too much into it. You like her. So go for it. Or should I go for it instead?” It is his turn to wiggle his eyebrows at me.

“Shut up.” I smile, punching him in the shoulder. He chuckles.

“So you'll…”

“Maybe.”

He eyes me.

“Okay, okay, fine I will. Eventually.”

Lao Gao shakes his head. “Don't wait too long. You forget that Xiulei is not someone rich or famous. Anyone can fall for her, chase her… even me.” He smirks again. “The conditions to pursue her are not that hard to meet. Even if you are the person that has the highest status among the people that like her… she wouldn't feel secure or protected in this type of unclear relationship.”

I don't say anything.

“What? Is the ‘manly’ Luhan afraid of initiating?” Lao Gao grins.

“Of course not.” He's right, in a way.

“Fine. Then go after her, or I will.”

I punch him again. “I really don't know whether to thank you or to hurt you right now.”

“Thank me, definitely thank me.” He laughs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, I curl up against the sofa of my apartment, phone grasped tightly in one hand. I stare down at the screen, watching as the second hand ticks past. 10:12 am... it should be night over there... do I call her? Is she asleep? I bite my lip. In my head, Lao Gao's voice taunts me. What? Is the manly Luhan afraid of initiating?

Steeling my expression, I dial Xiulei's number. It rings, and rings.

Please, pick up.

I want to tell you now, I want to finally tell you my answer to your confession from so long ago.

Let's talk about the important things again, okay?

I... I'm afraid... 

But I want to tell you everything.