LUHAN

"Damn, so this is what it feels like when you get an unannounced vacation... no fangirls. Bless." Lao Gao grins as we walk out of the LAX International Airport. I chuckle at his enthusiasm. 

"Uh huh, and it only gets better. You're gonna be third wheeling us so hard for the next three days." My best friend rolls his eyes. 

"I get it, I get it. You've got a girlfriend that just graduated, and she's going back with us to Shanghai to work in some fancy, high-end company. You guys are gonna get this little apartment in some skyscraper and have every night. Your life is set. No need to rub it in, gosh." He grimaces as I punch his arm, ears burning. 

"Wei. We aren't married yet. She won't let me touch her." I can't help the slight twinge of anticipation at the end of that clarification. Lao Gao smirks. 

"So she's a rightful prude. Still, it's not like you don't want it." I feel my eyes widen as my cheeks turn red, raising my fist in a punching motion.

"Alright, alright; I'm just trying to get you guys to marry faster, yeesh." Lao Gao surrenders, his hands up defensively. "Just imagine all things you could do after..." He trails off warily as I bring the fist closer to his face, forcing out a nervous chuckle.

As we walk, I feel my heartbeat lurching unsteadily; despite my desperate attempt at self control, Lao Gao's words bring back the images I'd been trying to surpress all these years that Xiulei spent away at Stanford Law. In my mind, the scene of that night years ago replays; Xiulei's soft lips are against mine again, her hips pressing unintentionally into me... I frown, trying to clear my head. Not the time, not the place. 

"Ge men... is your nose bleeding?" Lao Gao leans in closer, a knowing grin making its way to his face. He laughs as I swipe my finger against my left nostril, looking at the streak of red that comes off on my fingernail. "My god, I thought that kind of stuff only happened in animes-"

"Shut. Up." I growl, pulling out a tissue. "It's not like that." My cheeks burn.

In front of the airport's main lobby, I see Xiulei's small figure standing with a group of other people; among the unknown faces are a girl and a guy that are holding hands and acting all lovey-dovey. My eyes trail a little to the left, and I notice that beside Xiulei, with an arm swung around her shoulder, stands a tall and handsome man. From his side profile, I see the familiar bangs and slender jaw line.

"Wang Junkai, what the HELL." I run the remaining few steps to the group, snatching up his elbow and raising it middair. He turns, surprised, and then grins.  

"Oh, you're finally here, thank god. It took you forever; we've been here for an hour. How was the flight?" 

"Why, you little... why are you here and why do you have your arms around my girlf-"

"Before you overreact," Junkai holds up his palm in a time-out motion, "I was in Hollywood for filming and went to attend their graduation." He nods at Xiulei and the other girl, who waves enthusiastically at me. 

"Hi, Luhan, do you remember me? I was the one that delivered Xiulei's letter to you!" The girl shoots me a grin. "Without me, you two might've never met; aren't you gonna thank me?" From beside her, the boy that had been holding her hand frowns. In Korean, I hear him complaining, something about her always falling for flower boys. She elbows him in the chest, pouting. "Stingy." She mutters. I laugh. 

"Yea, I remember you. Soomyeon, right?" She nods happily, and the boy, who I assume is her boyfriend, shoots me a death glare. I chuckle nervously. 

From beside me, Xiulei siddles over, nudging my arm. "Wei, I think some introductions are necessary. You've met Soomi and Junkai, but that over there is Jihun, Soomi's boyfriend. Don't you dare mess with their relationship." She warns, eyeing me levelly. I smirk. 

"What, would you be jealous if I did?" I can't help the victorious grin on my face. Xiulei rolls her eyes.

"More like Jihun would break your nose, but that's beside the point." It's her turn for a grin, as she moves away from me, heading to my best friend. "And, guys, this is Lao Gao, Lu ge's friend and colleague." She announces in a louder voice. "You guys are all gonna help Soomi and I celebrate our graduation, before we fly out to Shanghai for our new jobs." There is a round of cheers, and Jihun smiles proudly at the girl by his side. 

As a group, we all crowd into a dark van parked at the entrance of LAX, Xiulei sitting up front, directing the driver. From the very back, next to Lao Gao, I see Junkai behind the passenger seat, putting his fluent English to use. To his right, Jihun and Soomyeon are fighting over a phone, trying to figure out the best places to visit in Santa Monica, where we'd be staying for the next three days.

"I wanna ride the ferris wheel." I hear the girl pout. Jihun ruffles her bangs with a grin.

"Alright. We can go tonight. I heard that there'll be a lot of stars."

Leaning back, I sigh, staring at the back of Xiulei's head as she speaks rapidly to the driver, her native tongue sounding foreign and unfamiliar to my ears. Seeing her close interractions with Junkai, who could understand her perfectly, made me wonder why she'd ever chosen me over him. 

Or... has she even chosen me? Looking at her laughing, happy face drifiting so close to his, I question myself for the nth time. It's been three years since we've met in person, and she hasn't even held my hand. Now what could that mean?

Half an hour's drive and a restless sleep later, we finally arrive at Santa Monica, checking in to the Lowes Beach Hotel. I stare at our room cards that the attendant had given me. Soomyeon and Jihun had a room. Junkai, another. Lao Gao and I. And then Xiulei. 

Maybe it's better that we don't have a room together. Then I won't have to worry about... My cheeks heat at the thought.

"How about we go out to eat a dinner together, and then split up and enjoy the night?" Soomyeon suggests, first in English and then Korean, her hand swallowed by her boyfriend's. "We can hang out as a group tomorrow, at the beach or something." She pauses, swiping through the gallery of her phone. "Jihun and I are going to the ferris wheel on the pier afterwards; anyone else want to come?" She holds up the screen, the picture shining from it displaying a glistening ride overlooking a dark bay.

I look to my right; Xiulei, wedged between me and Junkai, stares longingly at the image. In that one glance, I suddenly remember her love of heights. Turning to me, the look in her eye fades away as she too remembers: me and my acrophobia. She shakes her head slowly. "Nah. You guys go. And have fun." She shoots the couple a firm grin. 

"Aww... you should come!" Soomyeon whines, raising her eyebrows suggestively at me. "Why don't you take her, Luhan? I hear ferris wheels at night are very romantic." I open my mouth, and then close it, gulping like a fish, desperately wishing that words would come out instead of just air. The thought of going so high off the ground in a little hanging cart no less makes my intestines churn. The airplane ride across the ocean had been bad enough.

From beside me, Xiulei shakes her head, which is lowered, embarassed at the attention. "It's okay, Soomi. You just go." 

"Alright..." I hear Soomyeon's disappointment. From beside her, Jihun shoots her a warning glance, as if telling her to drop the subject.

"I mean, I could take you, if you want." Junkai pipes up suddenly. "Like how we went together to Disney years ago." There is an awkward silence as Xiulei turns pink, fingers running through her hair nervously. 

"Er... how about you and me do something?" Lao Gao says to him, finally breaking the ice when the pause ran too long. "I mean, I heard you liked gaming. Wanna just stay with me in my hotel room and help me level off? Give them two a little privacy." He nods at me, and I hear the undertone in his voice. After a pause, Junkai reluctantly agrees.

"Alright then, it's settled." Soomyeon claps her hands together with a laugh. "Now that that's officially over, let's go already! I'm famished."

With cheerful calls and chatter, the group trails after her, words exchanged in three different languages on where to go and what to eat. Xiulei walks next to me, her fingers nervously grasping the seams of her jeans. She doesn't talk, a strange difference from our endless conversations over the phone. I frown, reaching over the large gap between us for her hand. She shies away, cheeks red. 

We keep on walking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The dinner of kbbq, courtesy of the two koreans in the group, passes quickly, filled with laughter and jokes. Lao Gao bonds with Junkai and Jihun in spite of the language barrier, talking about soccer, gaming, and girls. Soomyeon and Xiulei chatter about Shanghai, their positions in their respective companies, and the apartment flat they plan to rent out together. I hold back my question of whether or not Xiulei would live with me, now that she's heading back. When the bill comes, the group decides to split it AA; from the corner of my eye, I see Xiulei carefully looking over her tab with a frown. From her side, Soomyeon elbows her in the ribs. 

"Ayo, come on. You've got enough money from those three part time jobs to handle this. Your mom's apartment already covered three quarters of the tuition."

I stare at Xiulei, surprised. She still had those part time jobs? On top of internships and law school? Did she even sleep? I notice the faint, dark rings below her eyes for the first time, the purple-black smudges covered with a filmy white powder, probably makeup. How come she never told me?

Leaving the restaurant, the group separates; Soomyeon and Jihun head towards the glowing pier and the dark sound while Lao Gao pulls a reluctant Junkai towards the hotel. Xiulei and I stand in the wake of their footsteps, quiet. Looking over, I see her visibly relax once they are out of sight, almost as if she'd been holding her breath and finally let it all out.

"Want to go to the beach?" I finally ask, when the silence becomes too much to bear. She nods, a small smile on her face. 

"Let's go."

When we arrive on the dunes, it's already half past eleven, the area along the long, dark coast deserted of people. In the distance, the ferris wheel from the pier glows, its multicolored lights reflected in the water so that there are two wheels spinning and not just one. Xiulei walks through the gently lapping waves, her body graceful like a dancer's, letting her toes linger where the shining lights fall. I notice that these past few years had rendered her skinnier, though still far from bony; her short hair frames a smaller face, lacking the girlish roundness from before. Despite the dark night, her eyes shine, brighter than even the neon lights of the pier. Brighter than the stars.

Coming to a small stretch of the beach, we sit where the water can lap at our feet but not reach any higher. From beside me, Xiulei sighs quietly into the distance, her eyes fixated on the ink-black ocean before us.

"You okay?" My voice seems too loud for the twilight. 

"I graduated, finally." Xiulei offers me a small grin. "I'm headed to my dream city. How could I not be okay?" 

"You've barely talked to me at all since this afternoon... if nothing's wrong, then it must be me. Did I do something wrong?" I ask quietly, biting my lip. Xiulei quickly shakes her head, her eyes wide.

"No, no! It's not like that... did you worry? I'm sorry if I made you worry..." Her words are frantic, laced with guilt. I force a laugh. 

"No need to apologize, pabo." I pause, wondering if I should ask. The question comes out, anyways.

"If it's not me... then what is it?"

Xiulei looks away, her eyes searching the expanse of darkness above her. "It's... nothing, really. It's really stupid."  

I let my hands find hers, and this time she doesn't let go. I trace the counters of her thumb with mine, feeling her smooth, soft skin below my fingers. "Nothing you say is stupid. Trust me." 

"Says you." She teases, laying her head against my shoulder. "You're always trying to boost my ego. Someday, it'll be sky-high, and then you'll regret it." 

I laugh. "I wouldn't mind." I promise her. In the silence, I wait for her to collect her thoughts, to tell me what was wrong. Finally, she speaks. 

"It's just... a lot of things. The graduation. With the ceremony and all, I've been thinking about my mom again... how she said she was proud of me, how she promised me that she'd be in the crowd watching me get that diploma." Xiulei gives a small, sad chuckle. "I couldn't see her face that day... aish, I know it's been four years, but I still cried that night. So hard. I think I even missed your call because I was too busy trying to calm myself down... sorry about that." She gives me a sheepish smile. I shake my head, pulling her closer.

"You idiot. You could've just answered anyway. I would've want to be there for you." I say, knowing the truth of my words. Here, with the stars and moon to witness, I would've sworn to protect and care for her all my life if I were only given the chance. 

Xiulei sighs, the sound infinitely small against the enormity of the waves hugging the shore. "Yea... I know. I guess I've just been a rollercoaster of emotions. So much disbelief that I made it out of these past eight years alive, made it to my dreams... maybe that's how you felt when you first debuted, I guess... that euphoric 'I did it' moment. But then, also so many regrets. So much worry." 

"What are you worried about?" I nudge her arm reassuringly. "I'm always gonna be here for you. You don't have to worry about anything."

She snuggles closer, and I can feel her soft breath against my ear. "I'm worried about you and me, too." She admits, the sentence so quiet that it is almost drowned out by the sound of the ocean water hitting the sand. "That's why... that's why I let go of your hand, earilier. I... I'm sorry."

I resist the urge to hold onto her tighter, to grasp her so that it no longer felt like she was fading away from me. Staring out towards the seemingly endless sea, I whisper, "Why are you worried about us?"

Xiulei turns away, her blush evident, even in the dark. "It's mainly just me." She replies softly. "I guess... I guess I'm afraid. You told me a few weeks ago that once we get to Shanghai, you'll tell the world about us. Your fans would know that you're dating again, and that this time its with a girl less worthy than Yang Liwei. They were so harsh towards her... what would they say about you and me? There'll be drama, and you'll lose another part of your fandom. You'll regret..." She pauses, feeling the weight of her words. "You'll regret ever choosing to be with me." She pulls her hand away, wringing her fingers together. "I don't know how to bravely stand next to you in public, not with my head held high... I couldn't even do it tonight in front of my own friends. How am I supposed to do it in front of all the Lufans..." She trails off, refusing to look at me.

"Maybe... maybe I really don't deserve this." She whispers finally, her lips pressed together into a thin, wavering line.

I get up, kneeling in front of Xiulei's small form so that her eyes are forced to meet mine. In their timid gaze, I see the promise we still couldn't make to each other, the "I love you" that hasn't been spoken aloud, even though it has already been four years. I see the fear, the worry, the insecurities that border those three words, tying them to their place and keeping them stuck inside. I realize that we are both afraid, afraid that we would someday let go of one another, that distance or time or maybe even the world could become an infinitely uncrossable barrier. That the confession of those three words would be the final brick to that wall between us.  

I realize that our confession just might tear that stupid wall down before it is built. 

"Xiulei..." I whisper, my throat suddenly dry. My heart pounds in my chest as I take her hands in mine, holding them tightly. I won't let go. "You deserve this. Heck... sometimes, I feel like you even deserve more than this. You deserve a boyfriend that could stay by your side, one that could protect you from the judgement of others. One that could take you on a ferris wheel ride, or help you give directions to the driver. You deserve better than me, not the other way around."

Xiulei rolls her eyes, a small, shaky smile on her face. "You pabo." Her words are tremble unsteadily. "How could I ever deserve more than you?" 

I cannot hold back any longer. I lean towards her, gently taking her lips between mine, hearing her soft groan of submission as she meets them eagerly. The kiss is tender, soft, filled with a familiarity and longing that three years apart could not wash away. I hold her as the tide swells and ebbs; her lips are swollen when we part. 

"I see you haven't lost your skills, even without me." Xiulei teases, her voice warm. 

"And I think you've improved without me." I say, earning a smack on my arm and a face full of sand. I laugh. 

"Are you saying I was bad before?" 

"No, just that you got better!"

"Why, you little brat-"

"I love you."

Those three, simple words slip out as I stare down at the girl before me, glowing like the stars above our heads. She stares back, a surprised flush of red sweeping across her cheeks.

"You... what?" Her gaze searches mine as if uncertain, unbelieving. 

"I love you, Xiulei."

She directs her gaze downward, trying to hold back her shy smile. While she's not looking, I reach into my wallet, pulling out the glittering, silver band I'd stuffed in there when she'd first left for Stanford three years ago. Still on one knee, I nudge her chin up to face mine again. 

"I was waiting for you to get settled in Shanghai before saying that, but I couldn't help it. It's been so long Xiulei, so long that I've waited to ask you..." I pause, looking at her wide, shining eyes, the beginnings of tears making them glassy. In them, I see our promise, our three word promise, infinite and complete. I smile, knowing that her love is reflected in my gaze, too. 

"To ask you... will you marry me?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took a while for the fans to accept things, and an even longer while for Xiulei to hold onto my hand in public without wearing a face mask and cap. The day she'd planted a small, butterfly kiss to my cheek while out shopping for groceries, I instinctively knew that she'd finally believed in me completely. 

That hot summer after we arrived in Shanghai faded quickly into fall, and then winter, and then spring. Life was busier than ever; I'd moved my studio to Shanghai, and Xiulei dragged herself up at seven in the morning each day to catch a metro to Lu Jia Zui, returning to her flat with Soomyeon only after the clock struck eleven at night. As the days passed in a flurry, I kept track of all our firsts, letting each one engrave itself in my mind. The first time we'd gone out to coffee after I'd helped her and Soomyeon set up their apartment. The first time I'd driven her to work while on my way to a fanmeet, almost making her late because of the heavy traffic on the unfamiliar streets. The first time we were caught by Soomyeon, sharing an innocent kiss on their couch... 

The first time she'd whispered, "I love you," hugging me goodnight against her front door after we'd eaten a ye-xiao at a street vendor near her home. Her lips tasted spicily sweet, somehow making their way into my dreams that night, a promise of what was to come.

As each of our firsts melted into one another, the time drew closer to our wedding date, the March after Xiulei's twenty eighth birthday. I'd gone to visit her mother's tombstone the month before, one of my own firsts, and she'd gone to see my parents, who were ecstatic that I was finally marrying at the ripe old age of thirty nine. The wedding was set to be a private affair, but the news was mass-spread, leaving me number one on the le-shou-ban for a full month. Everyone wondered who the girl I was marrying was; she became so popular she'd even garnered a nicknamed, "the mystery girl", ranking number two on Baidu's search engine.

The week before, I'd seen "the mystery girl" for the first time in a wedding dress, her skin flushing a deep pink as she gave me an experimental twirl. That same week, I'd taken her to see our new apartment near her office in Lu Jia Zui, overlooking the cement-and-light skyline. Her smile had been so sweet, until she'd attempted to make a stir-fry in the kitchen and almost set the place on fire.

Ah, that pabo. I cannot help the small smile that makes its way to my face. From beside me, I hear Lao Gao going tsk tsk, shaking his head, teasing me for my sentimentality. I turn to him, kicking him in the shin.

"Wei, what was that for?" He protests, rubbing at it while glaring up at me.

"For you, because you're about to become the only thirty nine year old bachelor from our graduating class." I laugh as his gaze shoots daggers into my chest.

"If you weren't the groom and I wasn't your best man, I would've given you a hecking bloody nose by now." I roll my eyes.

"You really wanna try that?" I tease. "I'm the one going to the gym for body building three times a week." 

"Oh, so you think you're so great, huh?" Lao Gao balls his fists with a joking smile. "Come at me, then, ge men."

I get into boxing position, fists hardening. "Oh, you are so on." I say, when a voice comes from behind me, interrupting us.

"Luhan, you're up." An attendant pokes her head into the dressing room. I straighten my tie while pulling myself out of my lunge-position, suddenly nervous. Siddling up to my right, Lao Gao pats my shoulder, handing me the red rose. I stare down at its unfurling petals, trying to remember how to breathe.

"You might not be able to beat me in a fight, ge men, but you definitely got this." He shoots me a reassuring smile.

With a firm nod, we step out of the halls and exit to the outdoor pavillion. I make my way to the makeshift altar, Lao Gao beside me. Once the bridesmaids and maid of honor, Soomyeon, enter, Xiulei appears, her arm linked with my father's. Behind her, the song starts up, its melody soft, embracing her figure in a halo of ethereal notes. My heartbeat is at my throat, pounding. Somehow, I've forgotten how to swallow, how to take a breath. 

"Wise men say
Only fools rush in.
But I can't help
Falling in love with you..."

Slowly, face tilted downwards in modesty, she makes her way to me, gliding to the slow rhythm of the music. As her figure draws closer, I suddenly remember the little girl who'd dressed up and worn heels the first time that night at Liwei's party. The little girl that had hugged me goodbye in that alleyway, a yellow rose tucked behind her ear. The little girl who had clung to me on the rooftop, whose tears and smiles and laughter were all engraved and saved somewhere deep inside my heart. My chest constricts.

"Take my hand...
Take my whole life too.
Oh, for I can't help
Falling in love with you..."

No... I really can't help falling in love with you. 

In what seems like both hours and seconds, Xiulei finally stands before me, eyes downcast, a veil resting over her shoulders. As my father places her hand into mine, I feel the slight trembling of her icy fingertips. We exchange vows, rings, and from somewhere past me I hear the familiar, "I now pronounce you as husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

The cheers of the crowd before us is drowned out by my beating heart. Gingerly, with one hand, I lift the light veil, Xiulei's face coming into view. She bites her lip, her eyes brimmed and shining. She lets out a little laugh, swiping at them shyly. I lean in closer with a small smirk, letting my thumb graze a fallen teardrop. 

"Pabo." I whisper, nudging her chin. "You're supposed to be happy right now. What's with the tears?" 

"You're the pabo." She sniffs, punching my shoulder. "Who told you to choose that song for our wedding? How'd you know it was my favorite?"

"Lucky guess." I grin. "Since it's my favorite too." Gingerly, I sweep away a stray lock of hair, staring into her eyes. "Because I can't help... can't help falling in love with you." Her smile is ethereal, glowing and beautiful. 

From behind me, I procure that red rose, its pristine, soft petals glistening in the afternoon sun. Xiulei looks at it, her eyelashes fluttering. "L-Luhan?" She whispers, meeting my gaze shyly, questioningly. I smile, leaning close to her. 

"A flower for you." My voice is soft. 

I pull back another stray strand of her hair, tucking the rose behind her ear. Xiulei blushes, looking down. "I thought you were supposed to kiss me, Mr. Lu." She says coyly. "Not just give me my long-awaited flower." 

I roll my eyes with a smile. "I was getting there, Mrs. Lu." My lips cover hers, and the crowd roars.

Needless to say, the kiss was heavenly, with one of my hands around hers and the other against her face, holding the rose in place. It glistens in the sunlight, a silent, knowing promise of all the years to come.

Yes. A flower for you.