LUHAN

I stand near the door of the KTV lounge that Liwei had booked, fiddling with my bow tie nervously, drink in one hand. I am not sure who I am waiting for; most of the guests had already gotten here by six, but Xiulei wouldn’t be here until after seven and Liwei is notorious for being late, even if it is to a party that she’s hosting. Beside me, Lao Gao siddles up, grinning.

“So… you’re looking nervous.”

I grimace. Quite naturally, having Lao Gao as both my best friend and manager meant that I had to open up to him about my currently nonexistent but hopefully impending love life, both as a way of preparing for information leaks and also out of friendship duty. Also quite naturally, he, being the friend that he is, will definitely find a million ways to tease me about it after he finds out.

“Why don’t you go pour yourself a drink and leave me alone, gosh. Why’d she even invite you?” I ask snarkily, sipping on the champagne. It tastes bitterly sweet.

“Because she remembers me from elementary school, too. So it’s not just you that’s got that long, illustrious history with her....” Lao Gao laughs as I shoot him a death glare. “And besides, I can’t drink anything; I have to be your driver, and you’re obviously drinking too much already.” I frown, staring down in surprise at the glass I’d just emptied.

“Ge men, you’re too nervous. Chill a little, will ya?” He gives me a pat on my shoulder. “You do realize half the girls in this room would date you in a heartbeat, right? You’re just too picky; hence, single until thirty one.”

“You don’t have to rub it in.” I jab him in the ribs and watching him wince. Looking around at the guests, my eye lands on a tall form in the corner by the bar, sipping quietly at his drink. I frown again as recognition hits, remembering Xiulei's eyes lighting up each time she talked about him. Something inside stirs, unsettling. 

“Lao Gao… what the hell is Wang Junkai doing here?” I nod in the boy’s direction, trying to keep the fire from reaching my eyes.

“Huh?” My friend asks, looking over. “Oh, him. Didn’t you know? He’s shooting a drama with Liwei right now. She invited the whole cast; the others are near the stage, taking the mike. I’m assuming most people here still remember him as that child singer-idol-star, and since we’re all older it’s probably harder to communicate with us. Too big of a dai-gou.” He laughs.

My eyebrows furrow as I squeeze the champagne cup between my fingers, knuckles whitening. Lao Gao leans in closer, eyeing my face. “Woah, woah. Stop, before you break it.” He pulls the glass from my hand. “Ge men, you okay there? I mean, sure there’s a generation gap but you look like you hate Junkai. What’s up with that?”

I blink, surprised at my outburst. What am I so upset about? There’s no reason to feel that much resentment to the guy unless it’s because…

Because Xiulei keeps mentioning him. Because he’s Xiulei’s idol, and not me.

My cheeks heat at my realization. God no, I am so not jealous of him, I mentally snap at myself. That would make no sense...

“Ge men, you there?” Lao Gao waves his hand in front of my face, concerned. “If it’s your jealousy acting up again, you can chill. Junkai only plays Liwei’s little brother in the drama, not her lover or anything.”

“H-huh? Who said I’m jealous?” I stutter, defensive. “I was just thinking, he’d have some company once Xiulei comes… they’re about the same age.” I mutter absently.

“Wait, what? Who’s Xiulei?” Lao Gao asks, confusion written all over his face. I facepalm, realizing that the last time I’d ever mentioned her to him was five years ago at the airport.

“Uhh…” I mumble, trying to figure out a good way to explain. Friend? Sibling? Girl… wait, no. As I am contemplating, the door beside me swings open and a small figure slips in quietly, head down. Both Lao Gao and I turn towards it. From my left, I hear my friend in a breath. I stare, blinking once. Twice.

Holy…

What the hell did He-noona do?

Xiulei looks up at us, turning first from me to Lao Gao, and then back to me. “Er… is this okay?” She asks hesitatingly, gesturing at her outfit.

Talk about okay… I stare at her transformation in awe. She didn’t choose a dress, like I’d predicted, wearing instead a pair of black, wide-legged, high-waisted dress pants and a simple white button up, its collar high enough to be modest but still showing teasing glimpses of her collar bone. The gauzy material shines under the rainbow ceiling lights, turning the white cloth into a palette of shimmering colors, clinging onto her and accentuating her chest, her waist. On her feet are black stilettos, the first pair of heels I’d ever seen her wear, raising her up so that she would be at my ear, her lips right below mine. A ribbon choker is tied in a bow around her neck, and for the first time I notice how slender it is. And her face. She’d always had pretty features and large, shining eyes. The light makeup she’d applied covered up any imperfections from before, making her eyelids glimmer as they flutter and her lips and cheeks full and pink.  

She is no longer that fifteen year old girl at the airport, nor the eighteen year old girl clinging onto me, saying goodbye. No, she is not them, but at the same time, they are most definitely a part of her, their happiness and their sorrow still reflected in her shimmering eyes.

“L-Luhan? Is it not okay?” Xiulei’s voice snaps me out of my trance, soft and suddenly more mature. Heck… everything looks more mature…

“U-um… it’s very good!” I say, hoping my ears weren’t as hot as they felt. “He-noona did a good job; you’ll fit right in.” From beside me, Lao Gao nudges my arm.

“Aren’t you gonna introduce me to your friend, Luhan?” He stresses, staring at me with an imploring expression in his eye.

I shoot him a pointed look, suddenly feeling a strong urge to play the role of either a protective brother or a jealous boyfriend. “She’s the Xiulei I was talking about, ge men. She is my a fan, and also a very close friend.” I then turn to Xiulei. “Xiulei, this is Lao Gao, my very annoying best friend and official manager. He's helped out a lot with the concert setup for this Sunday; you'll see his hard work then.”

Xiulei pauses hesitatingly, as if about to say something, but then decides against it. She nods and says, “Hi, Lao Gao ge, it’s nice to meet you.” She shoots him a nervous smile.

Lao Gao doesn’t appear to register her greeting. “A fan? Wait, WHAT?” He asks instead, open mouthed. “You’re close friends with a fa-”

The karaoke room’s door opens again, saving me from my best friend and his sudden realization. This time it’s Liwei that glides in, flipping her her hair over her shoulders in an aura of confidence. She is dressed in a floor-length, white gown, its fabric tight and clinging onto her every curve, exaggerating her hips as they swing from side to side. Her hair is dyed and half is pinned up in a complicated braid, leaving stray, gold-brown strands out to halo her smiling, pale face. Her small lips are pointed into a pink, glossy pout and her big eyes are midnight black, made more mysterious in the dim lighting.

“Aren’t you going to greet the birthday girl, Luhan?” She asks, her voice crystal clear and loud.

Lao Gao nudges me again and I clear my throat, nervous. “U-uh, yea. Happy birthday, Liwei.”

Her pout turns into a large smile, and she comes up to me, her tall and slim figure almost as high as mine. She engulfs me in a surprise hug, and I feel the hot pressure from her curves pressing into my chest. I swallow hard.

“Thanks.” She whispers as she pulls away. “Do I look different tonight?”

I shake my head. “You're always beautiful, Wei. Just extra beautiful right now.” I feel my ears reddening.

She laughs, her head thrown back. “I'm glad you like it. I was gonna dress simpler, but I just had to go all out for you.”

Was she hinting at something just now? Having to go all out for me? I feel my heartbeat lurch unsteadily.

“Come on, Luhan, let me introduce you to my new friends.” Leaning in conspiratorially, she whispers, “This entertainment circle is so broad, but I got everyone important in this one room. I'm so proud of myself.” She laughs again while grabbing my hand and leading me away from Xiulei and Lao Gao. In her rush, she pushes past Xiulei, making the girl stumble backwards, unable to find her balance. I reach out my other hand in reflex, grabbing her waist and steadying her. She looks up at me, her face flushing a deep pink.

In front of me, Liwei turns, impatient. She shoots Xiulei a derisive look. “Come on, Luhan.” She says, her voice suddenly cold. “We have people to meet; I don't even recognize her… she's not someone important. So don't bother.”

With that, she pulls me forward before I even have the chance to look back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

XIULEI

I watch as Yang Liwei leads Luhan away, a vice-like grip on his wrist, leaving me behind with that smarting comment. From behind me, Lao Gao pats my shoulder, sympathetic.

“Don't worry, it's not just you she's like that with. It's just her really bold personality; she's been like that since grade school. Don't hold it against her or anything.”

“Y-yea. No, I won't. She seems… like a really determined girl.” I stammer, trying to find the right words while watching their retreating forms.

Lao Gao smiles. “You could say that again.” He holds out a hand. “Sorry I didn't greet you properly back there. I was too shocked at Luhan having a fan as a close friend; it just didn't register. Guess that was the manager side of me coming out. I'm Lao Gao.”

“Xiulei.” I nod, shaking his hand, and then chuckle. “I know it's surprising; I was surprised too when it first happened. I was just a little girl and he was such a big star. Dream come true, really.”

“Little? Can I ask how long ago this was? You seem pretty mature now.” He says, nodding at my body with a suggestive grin. I flush, embarrassed.

“Er… I first met Luhan in person about five years ago, and that was when we started talking. We became close friends after that. I'm practically his little sister at this point.” I laugh softly, not able to help the little tinge of resentment at the end. “And I think I can still be considered young. Twenty isn't too old.”

“Y-you’re just twenty??” Lao Gao asks, eyebrows raised, startled. “Oh my god… I… I'm so sorry about that comment just now! I didn’t realize… I mean…”

I laugh again. “It's alright. Trust me, if it wasn't for Lu ge’s stylist, there would be no way you'd be saying that to me right now.”

Lao Gao shakes his head, seemingly relieved that I’d accepted his apology. “Nah. I can tell you're pretty. Maybe not the movie star-idol type, but still pretty. Especially around the eyes.”

So… not the kind of pretty that would make Luhan say 'you're beautiful’, like he did with Liwei. Of course not.

“Well… um… thanks for the compliment, I guess?” I force a smile.

Lao Gao nods. “Anytime.” He pauses, looking down at me. “By the way, where are you from? You don't have that Beijing accent or use a bunch of Beijing slang, so I don't suppose you're from around here?”

I shake my head. “No, my family is from Fuzhou, but my parents moved to America. I came to Beijing to study in high school, and now I'm heading back-” I pause, remembering that impending goodbye I still have yet to say. I frown. Only got four days left to get it out.

Unless… An idea begins formulating in my mind.

“Heading back?” Lao Gao asks, interrupting my thoughts.

“Yea, going back for my third year of college. Stanford University, on the path for international business law.” I reply, unable to keep the pride out of my voice.

“Wow.” He whistles, impressed. “I've heard of that school; it’s one of the top universities there! I'm assuming you're most definitely a xue-ba then.” He laughs.

I chuckle. “I guess you could say that.”

Lao Gao gives me a one handed salute. “Well, xue-ba, I'll see you later. Need to make sure Luhan’s doing okay over there with his precious Liwei.” He nods in their general direction with an eye roll, as if teasing the idea of their impending relationship.

“A-alright.” I say, watching him turn. I then think about my newly formalized plan for the goodbye. “Wait! Lao Gao!”

“Yes, xue-ba?”

“Can I ask you to do me a favor?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Lao Gao leaves, I walk to the back of the large KTV lounge, trying not to trip over my stilettos while aiming for a secluded bar stool in some corner. Making my way there, my eyes keep wandering back involuntarily, following Luhan and Liwei as they glide from person to person, greeting all the “important” guests. From my new vantage point, everyone before me shines beautifully under the colorful ceiling lights, like residents of a totally different world, sparkling in stardust. A world in which I most definitely didn't belong.

At the stool, I sit and stare at Liwei’s form, always smiling, laughing, flitting easily between anyone and everyone. I look at her, her prominent, perfect curves, enhanced by a beautiful, white gown that looks impossibly innocent yet so revealing at the same time. Her long, slender legs, which are visible when Luhan twirls her during a slow song, the chorus strengthening under the voice of an expert singer. I sigh, wondering what it would be like to be held and twirled by Luhan, with such a romantic song as a backdrop. My cheeks redden as I remember his arms on my waist this evening, holding me up and steadying me. Thump. Thump. My heart is erratic.

You idiot. Stop thinking like that. You see Liwei; that's the type of girl that Luhan likes. Even if the eleven year doesn't exist, even if the distance doesn't matter… you yourself won't make the cut. No experience, no looks, nothing.

You're nothing. Not important at all. Liwei’s words burn themselves into my brain as if they'd been left there with a branding iron. I flinch.

On the other side of the room, I see Luhan whisper something in Liwei’s ear, see her pause, and then nod. I watch as he intertwines his fingers in hers and leads her to the door, stepping out. Behind his back, I notice the hidden flower in his other hand. A red rose.

A red rose…

I swallow hard, unable to stand the dangerous flame of my self inflicted pain and illogical jealousy any longer. I desperately want to douse it, to put it out. There is a scalding blister in the hole in my chest.

Turning around to face the bar, I call over a bartender. “Iced champagne, please, sir.” I beg. He nods.

“Coming right up.”

The man places a glass in front of me and I take it quickly in my two hands. The crystal is cold between my palms, a great relief from the heat burning inside. I look to the door. They still haven't come back…

In my mind, there is an endless reel of Luhan giving her the flower, of him pressing her against the wall, kissing her gently, asking her if this was okay…

The scenes all flash before my eyes like a mirage. Shutting them tightly, I will myself not to see, instead raising the glass and swallowing quickly. On the back of my eyelids, an image of the red rose taunts me, its petals first unfurling one by one and then torn off and sent flying into the wind, taking with them pieces of my heart. I feel the hot tears slide down my cheeks, each one bitter, metallic like blood. The cold liquid rushes down my throat, seemingly in sharp contrast, but burning with the same taste.

Champagne is supposed to be sweet… yet why is this so, so bitter?

I down the glass and then slide it across the bar counter. “Another, please.” Behind me, I hear someone pick up the mike, asking for the song “Let’s Not Be Friends Anymore”. The familiar piano instrumental sounds in the background, its melody sadly sweet.  I hunch over my newly filled drink, staring into the bubbling, foaming liquid, its form becoming a blurred and wavering shape through the kaleidoscope of my tears.

“I’m so used to hearing you share the details of your day,

Yet I’m so afraid of destroying your life’s perfect balance with my feelings.

Really, keeping our distance, a heart’s space away...

That is the only way you won’t hear of my loneliness…

 

I step into my past as you fly towards your future.

You’ve met the right person; I’ve missed where our roads crossed.

Even though you’re always there, standing right in front of me,

I can only wave, saying my goodbye.

 

Let’s not be friends anymore…

Friends can’t hold hands.

This impulse to love you, I can only smile and let it go.

Dear best friend, some dreams just can’t be said out loud…

That way I don’t have to bear this heartache of losing you.”

The music plays on, and I bite my lip desperately, trying to stop the tears from flowing, from falling. On stage, the singer masters the change in key as the song drawing to an end.

“It’s so torturing, trying to control these tears, about to break down;

This is my own fault,

Because the past is a wound that cannot be healed...

 

Let’s still be friends in the future;

It’s still you that knows me best.

We will have that beginning, that middle, and walk on until the world ends.

Dear best friend, please give me your blessing, that if I ever find love again…

I’ll finally be brave enough to let go of your warm hands.”

Tilting my head back, I swallow the last of the champagne. Vaguely, I remember reading somewhere that one glass of this alcohol is equivalent to a shot of liquor, or maybe even stronger. Somehow, though, my chest still hurts; the pain is still blinding. I can’t possibly be drunk, I think. If I was, it wouldn’t hurt so much. It would be numb. God... I want to be numb.

I wipe away my tears and paste a smile on my face. “Sir, another champagne, please.” I say to the bartender. He eyes me warily.

“Are you sure miss?”

“Yes. Very.” I laugh a little.

He says nothing, just slides me another glass. I sip it, looking out over the crowd of guests, dancing and singing. I see Lao Gao near the stage, talking to Dilireba, an actress that Luhan had worked with years ago. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice that the door has still yet to open again.

From my left, a tall form slides past, sitting down opposite me. I raise my eyes slowly, warily, and see the smiling face of…

What the hell… I feel my mouth drop in shock, my reaction time slowed down because of the alcohol.

“I don’t recognize you, and I know most of the stars in here. You’ve been brooding quite a while, you know. So I thought I might keep you company.” Wang Junkai stares down at me, still grinning, a drink in hand.

“I know you.” I say. In any other situation, I know I’d be starstruck around him, but the champagne makes everything loosen, even my tongue. The light-headedness makes me sway with my laugh. “You’ve been my idol since I was seventeen.”

“Oh really now…” He says good naturedly. “So you’re not an actress or a star, then?”

“Pff.” I roll my eyes. “Did I look like one?”

“Are you kidding?” He asks, giving me a once-over. “Definitely.”

I can’t help laughing. “Thanks, Kai-ge. But I’m not. I don’t fit in with the people over there.” I nod at the hectic scene in front of us. “They have this shiny and bright aura. I’m just me.”

Junkai shakes his head. “I think you’re shining pretty brightly too, even if you’re over here instead of out there.”

I give him a sad smile. “You think so? No wonder you’re my idol; you’re so sweet. Sweeter than the rest of them, sweeter than my ge.” My ge, who always calls another woman beautiful. I tilt my head back to finish the champagne. Junkai catches the base of the glass in his hands, pulling it away with a frown. I feel myself pouting. He laughs at my expression.

“Don’t give me that look. I’ve been watching you for some time; this is already your third glass. I’m still on my second.”

I shake my head woozily. “Fine, then drink with me.” I say, clinking our crystalline flutes together. “Cheers!” The word comes out slurred.

Taking my flute, Junkai pours half of my champagne into his glass before handing it back. “Okay, now it’s a deal. Cheers.” He says with a smile. After taking a gulp, he looks back at me. “By the way, you already know me, but I don’t know you. What’s your name?”

“I’m Xiulei, your diehard fangirl.” I say.

Junkai laughs. “Alright then. Should I call you jie or mei?”

“Mei, definitely mei. I’m two years younger than you.” I slur.

“Ahh… just turned twenty? Finally, someone in here that is younger than me.” He grins. “How’d you get invited anyways? You mentioned a ge… does that mean your brother is an idol that’s friends with Liwei?”

I flinch at the word ‘brother’, looking away. “Something like that, yea.”

From the corner of my eye, I see the door to the KTV lounge open, and Luhan and Liwei walk in, making their way to the stage. With her white dress and Lu ge’s tux, they look as if they are to be married and the microphone is their makeshift altar. Junkai turns to stare at them too. “Wow, Liwei-jie really dressed up for this.” He murmurs under his breath.

“Hi, everyone. I’m glad you all took time out of your busy schedules to come to this birthday event. I know it’s not grand, but I really wanted to celebrate with all of you, my closest friends.” Liwei smiles broadly, the spotlight on the stage glinting on her dress. As the crowd before her cheers, I notice that her lips are swollen, the red of her lipstick slightly smudged. I look to Luhan, observing the pink on the edge of his collar. I bite my lip, feeling my heart drop… and then drop even further when I see that red rose, resting smugly behind Liwei’s ear, her hair falling in curtains around it.

“On top of turning thirty one, I also have another piece of good news I’d like to announce to you all. I’m sure you all know Luhan.” She gestures at him, and I watch him shift uncomfortably. His eyes meet mine, and I see something unreadable, uncertain in his gaze. I look away.

“Lu ge has been a classmate and close friend since grade school. He means a lot to me, and tonight, I realized that he felt the same about me, too. We’re officially together!” The crowd cheers again, shouting blessings at the pair.

After toasting to the good news, slow dance music is put on and every couple makes their way to the stage, arms intertwined. At the very top, I see Luhan and Liwei, swaying in time to the music. He kisses her nose, and then that red rose behind her ear. As the image registers, I feel the sharp twist in my gut. I swallow the last of my champagne, desperately looking around for the bartender, but he is nowhere to be seen.

“Wei, don’t tell me you’re gonna drink another...” Junkai nudges my arm. “At this rate, I can’t keep up with you.”

“I mean, what else is there to do?” I say, forcing a laugh, trying to sound casual, light. “It’s not like I can dance. Even if I could… I wouldn’t have a partner.” I can hear the tinge of resentment in the last sentence, and I cough to cover it up.

Junkai just shakes his head with a smile. “How about this… you go up with me and I’ll teach you the steps. Only then can you have your drink.” He waves his still-full champagne glass before my eyes. I pout again.

“Aish, Kai-ge, so stingy! Just give it to me now.” I whine.

He laughs. “Heck no, I’m definitely getting my dance first.” He sets down his glass and pulls me up, arm around my waist to steady my slight swaying. “Come on.”

I laugh, too, in spite of myself, taking his hand and letting him guide me to the stage. “Alright.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LUHAN

From my vantage point on the stage, I stare out at the crowd of guests before us, all the “important” people: directors, producers, idols, top actors and actresses ranging from the youngest in his twenties and the oldest in his fifties. All of them are wearing their glittering facades and fake smiles, each one adorning an aura of sophistication and pride, showing it in their big-branded clothing and their expensive makeup and cologne. Looking down at myself, I see that I had turned into one of them. And so had Liwei, who just called all these people, all these strangers, her closest friends.

Suddenly, this stage is far too suffocating, the light too hot. Somehow, I wish I were standing in the shadows, instead of up here with my smile as a shield.

Beside me, Liwei starts telling the crowd about our relationship; at her words, I feel my lips press into a flat line, a twinge of anger burning in my chest. I didn’t want to make it public this early; I’d told her that in the hall. But she had insisted, and I could not refuse.

Trying to shake off my mood, I look out past the people by the stage, catching sight of two figures sitting under the dim lights of the bar.

Xiulei. I meet her eye, and she turns away… turning to Junkai. I watch her, staring at her shining eyes and her cheeks that are flushed a bright pink from the champagne. Her swollen lips, on the glass. She lifts her head, and I see them hovering right before Junkai’s face. Something twists in my chest, something ugly.

Below me, I hear the audience clapping and cheering for Liwei and me. I force a smile, listening as a slow song is put on. Next to me, Liwei swings her arms around my neck, smiling. “Dance with me, Lu ge.” Her voice is sultry sweet.

Putting my hands at her waist, I sway with her to the beat, remembering how we’d danced like this for the first time in middle school, back when we’d both been sweeter, more innocent. The Liwei from back then, who was willing to take a stance opposite me in a fight, capable of playing soccer alongside me and still be able to catch up… that was the Liwei I’d fallen in love with. A girl that treated me normally, that I could joke with and tease. A girl that lived without this heavy burden that comes with our names, now that they’re written in shining lights.

Somehow, I’d saved an image of her like that in the back of my mind, still fallen for that kind of her, even though in reality she’d grown up, blossoming into this woman before me whose embrace feels hard and bony, not soft and sweet.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Junkai whisper something into Xiulei’s ear, making her laugh. The ugly thing in my chest flips over, and I feel my face hardening. Looking at Liwei, I press a gentle kiss to the tip of her nose, trying to make the feeling go away, a little part of me still hoping that the little girl so happy next to Junkai would look up and see me.

Yet, when I glance over again, they’re no longer there. Instead, she is in his arms, laughing as he teaches her the simple, three step pattern for a waltz, apologizing when she steps on his toes. I look down at my own feet, and then at Liwei’s sure and delicate footing, each step perfected.

Somewhere inside me, I feel the ridiculous wish to be holding onto the girl that would step on my toes.