XIULEI

After the promised hour's drive, Junkai practically runs from the van, barely giving me time to tell the driver to come back tomorrow morning to pick us up.

"Hurry up, Xiulei! Come on!" He whines, and in his pout I see remnants of Luhan's childish pucker whenever he didn't have his way. I laugh, and then do my best to catch up with him in heels.

After getting through the main gates, with Junkai insisting on paying the fares, the rest of the day is spent trying to dodge long lines, getting fastpasses, and doing everything we could have possibly imagined. And by everything, I mean everything. The boy doesn't seem to mind slower, less exciting rides, and most definitely doesn't mind the ones with heavy drops and fast-as-hell speeds. Unlike Luhan, who would probably die before going on something that required him to freefall from a couple stories in the air, Junkai loved heights. And the feeling of falling from great heights. After Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, and the California Screamin' Coaster, all of which were done in the front seat, I'd practically screamed my lungs out and he'd had his hearty laugh at my drenched self.  

"Wei, where to next, guide?"

"Ge, we've practically been on all the fast rides here. We even had lunch standing in a line so that you could make it on California Screamin'." 

"Well, I mean, it was worth it. Your face was priceless." That brings on another fit of laughter. 

I roll my eyes, glaring at him. "Well, if you got drenched on Splash Mountain and then decided to go however many miles-per-hour that was in the air, in late November no less, you'd look like me too."

"Ahh, how unlucky. How come I was sitting next to you and I'm already dried off?" He smirks. 

"That's because you used me as a shield you idiot!" I seethe.

"Oh yea, whoops... heh... sorry about that..." Junkai gives me an apologetic grin. I stick out my tongue at him, and then rub my hands together furiously, blowing on their bright pink tips. 

"God it's cold... I really shouldn't have let Soomyeon dress me up like this. I might look decent, but these shoes are killing me and I'm going to catch pneumonia in this thin sweater." I mutter, more to myself than to him.

Hearing me, Junkai takes off his coat, draping it gently around my shoulders. His hands linger too long against my arms and he is too close, his face inches away from mine. I pull away sharply, gripping the jacket nervously while looking down; in my head, I remember Luhan on that rooftop so long ago, holding me steady. Suddenly, I feel awake again, the first time all afternoon. My heartbeat is unexpectedly fast, too fast... and my chest hurts. The hole hurts.

"Warmer now?" Junkai asks with a toothy grin, interrupting my thoughts. I manage a grateful smile, still slightly dazed. 

"Thanks ge. Never knew your body was so hot-" I feel my eyes widen as he chokes with laughter, realizing what I'd just said in my distracted state. "Er... I mean... body temperature. Heh..." I smile sheepishly, flushing. He rolls his eyes, cheeks a bright pink.  

"You're an idiot, you know that?" He musses with my hair, letting me swat his fingers away with feigned annoyance. 

With a hand against my chest, I decide to do my best to smile off the pain. "I might be an idiot, but this idiot is about to take you to one of the best rides here. Personal opinion, of course." I shoot him a smile. "Come on; I think part of it was supposed to be a fly over the Great Wall of China." 

Junkai's eyebrows furrow in confusion. "H-huh?"

"4D plane ride. Just come on already! If I can beat you there in heels, you're treating me to dinner!" I call back as I hobble-run to Grizzly Peak. 

"Oh, you're so on!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Needless to say, he did end up treating me to dinner, not necessarily because he was slower, but rather because he'd lost sight of me in the crowd and had to ask for directions. When he asked how I'd managed to lose him and then get there first, I could only reply smugly that I'd had the map memorized after my third glance. That statement only earned me a weak punch in the arm.

Now, we are sitting in a more quiet, secluded area of the park, waiting for the fireworks that were supposed to start at ten. In front of us, Sleeping Beauty's Castle looms brightly against the dark sky. I smile, taking a sip of a can of beer from the pack we had bought. Or, more like my third can. Beside me, Junkai eyes the drink, and then eyes me. 

"You know, I've always wondered... what's with you and alcohol? Legit... first at the party, and then now... your tolerance is pretty damn high." He says with a quirked eyebrow. "I want to say I'm impressed, but I don't think binge drinking is a good idea." 

I shake my head, almost sadly. "I don't usually drink. To be honest, I really can't stand the taste. It's always like swallowing bitter fire down my throat, and then letting it pool in my stomach."

"Then why do you do it?" Junkai frowns.

I shrug, the beer making everything fluid, soft. "Sometimes, it's in memory of someone. Sometimes, I just want to forget. Others... well." I stop, looking at the castle. "I don't want to worry, and this is the only thing that makes it stop nowadays." I shake the can with a wry grin. "Oh, yea. This, and you."

"Me? What do I do? And worry? About what?"

"Things. People." I think of my mother. She should be going out for her daily grocery shopping trip by now... I swallow the last of my third can, still feeling the stone resting heavily against my chest. A heavy sense of foreboding surrounds me like a shroud. Not drunk enough.

"I want to thank you, Kai ge." I say in a soft voice while cracking at another beer, my words slurring together.

"Why?"

"You're... a good distraction." I don't look at him, can't look at him. "Before... I thought only one person could mend this hole here." I pat the left side of my chest drunkenly, the alcohol finally making me honest, both to Junkai and to myself. "With him, I got better; everything hurt less. I was braver, I was brighter... I was the girl you'd seen at that party before she downed that first drink." I pause, smiling blindly. "But he... he got himself someone that he loved more, and then we... we drifted apart a little. We never really talk about the important things anymore. I tried to get rid of the burning feeling in the hole in my heart without him; I tried to drown it out with books, with school, with Soomyeon, with laughter. None of it worked. But then you came... you're like a sleeping pill. You made the feelings go away, just a bit. So thank you for that." I take another sip. 

Junkai looks down, lips pressed together into a thin line. "So... I'm just a distraction, then? From your real world?"

I laugh softly, "No, not like that. You're a very important person to me, Kai ge. You are like how he was, making all the pain and worry go away. But... you don't fix it; it all still comes back in quiet moments like this, or whenever you remind me of him. It's... it's like you're the pain reliever and he's the medicine. Both important, but different roles." 

Junkai frowns. "Who is this 'he'?" He asks, voice hardening. "Why did you guys drift apart, if he's so important?" 

I shake my head, unable to meet his eye. "He's... you might not believe me, but he's the ge I was talking about, the one that invited me to Liwei's party. His name is Luhan." I watch as Junkai's mouth drops open in shock. I smile, but I know it doesn't reach my eyes.

"And... I don't know why we drifted apart. At first, I thought it was because of his girlfriend, because he had another person to care for and not just the little girl that he treats as a sister. But then I heard that they broke up... not through him but through someone else. He never told me he had ended things. Then again, he never tells me anything important anymore. He hardly even calls." I swallow another gulp of beer, looking out at the castle before me, hearing the countdown to the fireworks in the distance. My voice is quiet as I finally admit aloud, "I miss him. And without him... this hurts. This hurts so much." My hand rests weakly against my chest. 

From behind me, Junkai's arms surround my waist, and I flinch in surprise. "Jun-Junkai?"

He doesn't let go, the warmth of his body wrapping around mine. "What does Luhan mean to you, Xiulei?" His voice is soft, unsure. I can hear the timbre of worry in his words.

I let him hold me, in spite of my every nerve ending reminding me that this is a bad idea, that I should make him let go. Somewhere inside, I know that he had to do this, even if I didn't want him to. "Luhan..." I whisper into the darkness. "Luhan is my everything. He is my idol, my brother, my heart... I've learned to depend on him, to trust him. Losing him doesn't only mean one of those cliche heartbreaks in dramas; unlike those girls, even if I could never own Lu ge's heart, I'd still be okay. His heart wasn't something I was fated to own, anyways. But actually losing him... letting him drift away, letting him disappear from my life... it's like losing half of me." I feel the warm, salty tears falling from my eyes, the November wind turning them to ice against my cheeks.

From behind me, I feel Junkai flinch. Above our heads, the fireworks start up, each trail of smoke and fire flying into the sky with a sharp whistle, and then exploding into stars with a loud bang. In the distance, people had begun to cheer, scream, and shout happily at each colorful burst. 

"Xiulei... do you think anyone can replace Luhan in your heart? Anyone... like me?" Before I could answer, Junkai lets go, moving in front of me, standing where the fireworks framed his face like a halo. "I know he is important to you... but why do you have to love someone who is hurting you so much? I've seen you cry for him too many times. Please... Xiulei. He's not worth it." From behind him, he pulls out a white rose, its petals glimmering under the light of all the falling stars. 

A white rose... The hole in my chest hurts so much I sway backwards. Junkai's arm catches me before I fall, pulling me into him.

"Xiulei?"

I push the flower away, push him away, the alcohol in my bloodstream making me uncoordinated. I shake my head drunkenly. "No, Junkai... I... I can't. You can't replace him. No one can." I see the hurt in his eyes, know that each of my words are like knives to his heart. I look away, back away.

"Wh-where are you going? I hear his voice call behind me. 

"To the bathroom." I say. "I'll be back. Please call your driver to pick us up tonight. I don't think I should stay until the morning." And with that, I run. Somewhere behind me, I hear the sound of Promises playing above the boom of the fireworks, the cheer of the crowds, the pounding of my heart. Wiping my tears away, I continue to move forward, knowing that it was only another figment of my imagination, the call that I keep waiting for but never comes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LUHAN

The phone just keeps ringing and ringing, with no one picking up. I am about to give up, thinking that she is asleep, when she finally answers.

"Xiulei! What took you so long? I thought you were sleeping for a second, gosh. Do you have time? I... I have some things I want to say to you."

"Hello? Who is this?" A man's voice asks in Chinese. I frown, suddenly worried as all of the possible worst-case scenarios flash through my head. In the background, I hear loud bangs and cheering. Fireworks?

"I'm Xiulei's ge, Luhan. Who are you?" I ask, the threat in my words palpable.

"I'm Junkai." The man answers cooly, and I feel the blood pounding in my veins, burning. Junkai? What's he doing with Xiulei? Why does he have her phone?

Unless... are they together? Images of him holding her at Liwei's party, them dancing together, him making her laugh... they hit me like a brick wall. I in a  breath. 

"Are you calling her for something?" Junkai asks, his tone hardening. "We're very busy."

I feel my fists balling together. Busy? What are you guys so busy doing? The thought is bitter and burns like acid. "I just need to tell her something. Please be kind enough to pass her the phone." I say through gritted teeth.

"She doesn't want to talk to you." The reply is immediate and sharp, making me flinch. "I could pass on your message to her if it's very urgent." I feel my brows furrowing. Who the hell gave you the right to pass my messages to her?

"It's urgent, and I want to speak to her myself. So please, pass. Her. The. Phone."

"I'm sorry, but she doesn't want to talk to you." Junkai says again, dryly. "If there's nothing else, I'm hanging up."

"Wait-"

The dial tone blares in my ear. I growl, impulsively flinging my cell across the room, hearing the sharp crack as it hits the wall. In my head, I imagine Junkai holding Xiulei in his arms, kissing her under the glow of the fireworks, which fall like picturesque stars around them.

She doesn't want to talk to you.

I bury my face in my hands. She finally cracked from all those months of you ignoring her. I sigh noisily, heavily. You know you should've called her earlier instead of letting your stupid confusion take over... idiot.

Now she doesn't want to talk to you...

The anger in my blood boils as I sit there, fuming. Somewhere inside, I know that this burning fire is illogical, stupid. But despite its stupidity, this red-hot rage still feels better than the sharp pain in my chest whenever I focused on the words "she doesn't want to talk to you". The ugly thing in the pit of my stomach flips over again, roaring. 

Two can play at this game. Don't expect me to call you... The ugly thing sneers, its mouth filled with sharp fangs. I shake my head, conflicted. I don't think that's a good idea...

The images of Junkai and Xiulei flood my mind again, and I watch as they stare lovingly into each other's eyes. I imagine him giving her my red rose, her shining eyes lighting up with delight. Each second that picture stays ingrained in my head, the more my resolve hardens. I feel my hands curl into fists, my nails leaving deep crescents in my skin.

On second thought... maybe it is a good idea. I need some time to calm down before facing her again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

XIULEI

When I finally make it back from the bathroom, my mental map of the park messed up and disoriented from the beer, I see Junkai sitting where I'd left him, biting his lip guiltily with my phone between his hands. I frown, confused. Did someone actually call? Was it... was it actually Luhan? I hate the hope fluttering in my chest.

"Did someone call me?" I ask as I approach Junkai. He looks up, eyes wide and startled. 

"N-no. Why do you think someone did?" His words come out too quickly, too accusatorially. I squint my eyes, surprised by his abrupt denial.

"My phone is in your hands. I was just wondering." I try to hide my disappointment as I walk over, pulling the cell out of his tight grasp. "Did you call your driver yet?" 

"We already had the hotel rooms booked, Xiulei. Can't we just stay the night?" The boy pleads. 

I shake my head. "I've... I've got to get back. This... this is enough for one night." My words are firm. "I'll take the bus to Stanford."

"Are you crazy? That's a ten hour drive. And it costs money, Xiulei! Would you rather do that than just spend a night with me?" He sounds hurt. 

I give him a sad smile. "I'm sorry, ge. I was going to spend this money either way, just tomorrow morning instead of tonight. It's alright, I'll sleep through it." 

"But-"

"Just call your driver. Please." 

Sighing, Junkai obediently takes out his phone. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the white rose lying crushed and deserted on the pavement, under a sky whose colors had disappeared, the end of the fireworks marked only by trails of smoke and an empty, eerie silence. In my hands, my screen lights up, showing me an incoming call. My mom... her cellphone..

I pick up. "Wei, Ma? I thought you told me not to call you on this because it costs more-" 

"Hello, is this Xiulei?" A woman's rushed voice, one that I did not recognize, greets me from the other end of the line, speaking in rapidfire Chinese. "Are you the daughter of Mrs. Bao Yunjie? 

I feel my heartbeat in my throat, pounding heavily. The blood drains from my face. "Y-yes, this is she. Is... is something the matter?"

"Your mother had a seizure in Bai Jia Market and is currently on the way to Xie He Yi Yuan. She is in critical condition, and she is currently under emergency treatment. We wanted to inform her relatives, and you were the only one listed. Are you free to come to the hospital to sign a cosent form-"

The receiver falls from my hands, the sound of it hitting the asphalt ground both deafening and silent. From the speaker, I still hear the woman asking frantically, "Wei, wei?" Everything is muffled, the world spinning. I cup my ears and shut my eyes. This is a dream. This is all just a bad dream... My knees hit the ground as I rock back and forth, desperately trying to calm down, knowing that I needed these tears to stop, needed to get on a plane, needed to get to the hospital... yet every ounce of strength seems to have been from my bones. All I can do is kneel here, feeling the sobs wracking my body, my mouth open wide in a scream the world couldn't hear.

Mom... mom... you promised me. You told me not to worry, you said you didn't want to go to the hospital. Mom! Mom... answer me. Please tell me you're okay...

From beside me, I hear Junkai yelling something incoherent in my ear, and then picking up the phone from the ground. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to pretend it was all a dream, just a dream. When I crack them open again, everything is still the same, the darkness blurred by my tears. In the distance, I hear Junkai telling the woman that I'd be on the next flight out of California. 

Mom... please...

Somehow, after all these years, I'd managed to forget that nightmares still existed when I opened my eyes.