I heard you were ill. And I couldn't be there for you. You had given your all and been with me when I was injured and I couldn't do the same for you.

"Can't you come, Jongin? I really want to see you"

You had requested softly over the phone, the longing so clear in your voice. And my heart had clenched in pain, because there was nothing more that I wanted in that moment than to fly to your side and take you in my arms. If only there weren't literally seas that I needed to cross to be with you.

"I can't Soojung-ah. We have to attend GDA tomorrow"

I must have sounded so cold to you. After some moments of silence you finally spoke,

"It's okay"

But it wasn't okay, Soojung. I had to resist the urge to throw my goddamn phone at the wall. Why had I chosen this profession? It was breaking us apart piece by piece. I wish I had just left then and gone to you, what was the worst that could have happened?

"Control yourself, Jongin! You're an idol! You need to maintain your image if not for your sake than for the sake of the company and the members. Do you have any idea how the netizens and fans will react if they found out, and they will find out, that you chose to miss out on such an important awards' function to fly to the other side of the world only to cuddle your sick girlfriend?"

Even if he felt any sympathy Soojung, my manager didn't show it when he spat those words out to me over the phone after I asked him about visiting you, making me pull my hair in frustration. But I couldn't blame him. He was only doing his job, keeping us from making any rash decisions that could turn out badly.

You know the worst part? I wasn't alone in this Soojung. If I made a single mistake and went down, I would take down with me the careers of 8 other people who had done nothing to deserve that. And I couldn't do that to them, they were dear to me too.

But those are all excuses my mind made up to cover up my cowardice. I chose to betray you Soojung. I chose to let my work get in between us. And no amount of loathing on your part or explanation on mine would be enough to justify what I did.