"You're all my heart ever talks about."

"I like you or even, I'm sorry you're way better than me and I had to pretend I was too cool to like you."

"What about, 'let's be friends and talk on Soojung and Jongin'? It's well known that people get closer when they hate something together."

Sehun put on his earphones and got up to leave the cafeteria table he was sharing with Soojung and Jongin. They started bickering about whose remark made him leave first and it was then Sehun got really tired of his friends. They were back to being friends as surprising as it was, and they were really friends this time, not just just friends who were friends because they didn't know what else they would be without this title. Soojung and Jongin bickered a lot, supported each other and joked even more together. For some reason, their different energies completed each other and now everyone understood why they couldn't date: they were made for each other in a different way. Jongin completely failed his revenge and Soojung completely failed her crush but it was okay, they were completely over each other now. Jongin woke up from his heartbreak and realized this situation was for the better and Soojung, well Soojung was glad she was still friends with Jongin even though she couldn't see him the same way anymore. He was surely not defenseless.

All in all, they were annoyingly supportive of something they both destroyed. Even if Sehun couldn't really blame them for his miserable situation (after all, he was the one who deceived Seulgi, not them), he hated that they were pitying him.

Truthfully, Sehun was taking the news fairly well. Seulgi left by the end of last semester, one month after dumping him as her lab partner for the two remaining lab reports to hand in, but at least he believed he wouldn't develop more feelings for her now that she was gone.

Okay, she wasn't completely gone, she was just gone from his world, so he couldn't just stop liking her. Seulgi still attended Yonsei University and went to the usual class they had in common. She was in his entourage but she was just not accessible anymore, hence why she disappeared from Sehun's world, which was worse. It was crazy to him how humans were conditioned to want what they couldn't have (anymore). Now that Seulgi was away, Sehun could only think of her. He saw her often at the library but she never saw him. He sat behind her in class, once again, he saw her often but she never saw him. It was a constant cycle of giving up and having a bit of hope.

Don't get him wrong, Sehun apologized. He left a lengthy message on her voicemail and then went to her apartment once he finally gathered the courage to talk to her. He apologized twice, which was a lot more than what he believed his ego would allow but Seulgi never answered. She didn't call him back once nor let him in when she opened the door, Seulgi simply asked him to leave and he did. Sehun knew it wouldn't be easy, Seulgi had always been very serious about standing up for what she believed in and was very stubborn in general so if she was hurt by what he did, at least as much as he thought she was, Seulgi wouldn't let it go. That's when it was his turn to let go. Two months passed by, a whole Christmas and winter break too without any news from her and yet Sehun was still stuck on the thoughts of what could have been if he did things differently.

Sehun entered the computer lab and sat down next to Jisoo who was finishing a report. She had been of great help since Seulgi dumped him and he had to learn how to do a whole lab report on his own at the end of the semester and since then, they talked more (and Jisoo thought even more lowly of him).

"So, what was so important about not being involved that you decided to keep everything to yourself?" Jisoo asked, already aware that was what Sehun wanted to talk about. It was always about Seulgi when he made that strange disappointed thing with his face by frowning.

It was strange to talk about his problem to Seulgi's friend but Jisoo was so casual that talking to her was just as good as talking to himself, except that it was less lame and lonely.

"It sounds crazy but I like to mind my own business," Sehun said as he played with his keys.

"It's not crazy at all," Jisoo smiled. "But I think you were part of the business at this point."

"They just confided in me, I never thought what I would do mattered," Sehun shrugged. "I understand how much it to feel betrayed like Seulgi did, I swear I do but I didn't feel comfortable to be the one to break the news to her. I didn't feel like it was right for me to be the one to tell her."

"Well, I get it... if she hadn't asked you maybe you would be right but you lied to her when she asked you why would Soojung say that Jongin was dating her to annoy Soojung... You took her for a fool when she trusted you."

"How was I supposed to know she even trusted me? I didn't think Seulgi really cared, I swear I thought she would still date Jongin no matter what I said. Then next thing I know, she hates me and she had stopped loving him months ago," Sehun explained.

Jisoo sighed.

"I already told her all of that and she doesn't care, I don't know why I'm even telling you all this," Sehun said.

"Because you care and it's about time you stop pretending."

"Doesn't change the fact she doesn't care," Sehun shrugged.

"She cares, trust me she does. She probably misses you too, she said it multiple times, you were important to her," Jisoo revealed. "It's because she cares that she won't forgive you until you start being honest with yourself first and then you'll be honest with her."

"How will she know that I'm being honest with myself or her if I can't talk to her?"

"Who said you couldn't talk to her?" Jisoo frowned.

"Her answering machine? Her door?" Sehun deadpanned. "She doesn't want to talk to me."

"That was like two days after you hurt her, you couldn't expect Seulgi to welcome you with a warm hug, even if it's Seulgi," Jisoo deadpanned at her turn. "It's been over two months now, time heals but you didn't try again. You put that barrier yourself Sehun, you're the one who won't contact her because you're too scared that she rejects you."

"Woah wait Dr. Freud," Sehun snickered. "So you're telling me that if I went to see Seulgi now she would let me talk to her?" He frowned.

"Listen, actions speak louder than words. What would you do if someone you really cared about deceived you and said they're sorry and then disappeared while also claiming you're the one who won't accept the apologies?" Jisoo reasoned. "Have you tried to put yourself in her shoes Sehun? You say you think about her all the time and that you're sorry but you apologized twice and stopped trying, how could she know that you think of her all the time if all you do is look at her from afar and avoid talking to her directly? How in the hell are you serious if you're not doing anything? How could she believe you're honest when you keep pretending that you don't care? You know Seulgi. She has been hurt and deceived by your friends for being too naïve, you can't expect her to trust you when you act like this."

Sehun took a deep breath and hid his face in his hands. He couldn't admit that he hadn't considered it from this perspective at all. How could he have not thought about it thoroughly? Simply because Sehun was so focused on his feelings that he hadn't thought of how to get them through.

"If you don't act like you genuinely want her by your side, you might as well just not want her at all," Jisoo said. "Step up your game or forget her, easy."

"Easy, obviously..."

"It is, you just have to be honest with yourself."

Sehun felt demolished. It was weird to receive advices when he was usually the one to give them and now he knew how it felt. At least, Jisoo wasn't condescending like he was.

"Where are you going?" Jisoo asked as Sehun got up to leave.

"I'm going to try again, that's the only thing I can do."

. . .

Sehun didn't think much about it, he just went for it. He didn't need to think too much, after all: to be honest he needed to listen to his feelings for once. And as weird it felt to admit it, Seulgi was indeed all his heart talked about. Sehun silently looked at the roads they would walk on as he drove. Seulgi and him were always three or four steps apart because he was smoking or simply because they were never that close. The gap never shrank but his feelings somehow grew over the time and he couldn't understand how it happened. All Sehun could understand was that whatever he had with Seulgi, he took it for granted and he wanted it back. 

Sehun turned off the engine and got out of his car, eyes set on the door of her apartment that was still decorated with a few Christmas lights. He knew how much Seulgi always tried her best to feel like home between those four walls with endless decorations but in the end it was still just a lonely prison.

Sehun realized a while ago he knew so much about her and he always downplayed it by blaming it on the fact that Seulgi was an open book but she wasn't. It was only when she was not there anymore that he realized she wasn't that talkative or revealed stuff about herself, she was the type to keep things to herself. Sehun usually just observed or figured out things about Seulgi by the way she held herself and yet, he couldn't admit back then that she didn't expose herself to him, he was the one looking for her. He felt stupid for having too much pride to admit that he wanted to know more about her, even to hi