“So, I kind of had this crazy idea. It sort of just came up to me. Like just now.”

“And that is?”

“Actually, I thought about it like… pretty much a month already, but yeah.”

“So? What is this craaaazy idea of yours?”

“I want to cut my hair.”

Joohyun’s eyes widened as she put down her notebook. She looked at Seungwan who was touching her long hair, observing her appearance in the mirror.

“You want to cut your hair?”

“Yeah…”

“How short?”

“Hm… this short?”, Seungwan pointed to her shoulders. “It will like reach my shoulders… but sort of slightly…”

“Woah… that’s a lot.”

“And I think I’ll dye it. To like… really dark brown. Which is pretty much my natural hair color”, the blonde suddenly turned around to face Joohyun. “I just realized you’ve never seen me with darker hair.”

“Wait? Natural hair colour? I thought you were born as a blonde”, Joohyun exclaimed, pretending to be shocked. The soft giggle and trembling of her lip as she tried not to laugh gave it away though. Seungwan found it cute to see how much of a bad liar Joohyun could sometimes be. Actually, Joohyun seemed to be a much better liar when it came to more serious things.

“If I’m a natural blonde then I should seriously do some research on my family history.”

Joohyun let out a loud cackle and Seungwan smiled widely. The older girl laid down her pen on the table and stood up, walking towards the mirror where she was standing. Her gaze travelled over the blonde’s face as she remained silent, seeming to be deep in thought.

“Hm…”, Joohyun laid tapped her chin.

“What?”

“I am really curious about how you would look with dark short hair. Though I’m pretty sure you will look drop dead gorgeous, because duhhh”, Joohyun said as if it was the most obvious thing on earth. Seungwan could feel herself blush a little.

“You think so?”, she looked back into the mirror.

“Of course!”

“Hm…”, for some reason Seungwan started to have some doubts. “What if it doesn’t suit me though?”

“That won’t happen!”

Seungwan looked back at Joohyun.

“But hypothetically speaking, what if…”

“Then you can always wear a wig.”

The blonde slapped her girlfriend on the arm. Joohyun laughed loudly.

“Okay, then I’ll cut mine as short. How about that?”

“What is the point when you’ll look like a goddess anyways?”, Seungwan dramatically sighed.

“Fine, then I’ll shave my head!”, the older girl said.

“Wait, what?”, the blonde blinked a few times trying to process what Joohyun had just said.

“I’ll shave my head, tattoo an arrow on my head and then master all four elements. That way I can kick anybody’s for you!”

“Wow, how romantic!”, Seungwan clasped her hands together.

“I’ll give the credits to Aang.”

“Pretty wise for a young kid.”

“Well, technically he is 112 years old.”

“Right, totally forgot about that”, Seungwan smiled. It had been a while since she had watched that show. It used to be one of her favorites.

“But seriously”, Joohyun’s eyes softened. She grabbed Seungwan’s hands. “I know it will look amazing on you.”

“Really?”

“Definitely.”

Seungwan looked once again in the mirror and then nodded to her reflection. The decision had been made then.

“So, any idea when you want to do it?”

“I was actually thinking of cutting and dyeing it today…”

“Wow… you weren’t kidding when you said it was a crazy idea!”

“I mean… it seems impulsive, but like I said, I have been thinking over it for a month now.”

“Fair enough. Any reason? Or did you just feel like something fresh?”

Seungwan’s gaze was fixated on their hands as she thought about the question for a bit.

“Hm… you know that feeling that people have to suddenly change up things… like for a new start? Or to let things go?”

Joohyun nodded.

“Well, it’s that. But like in a good way. I want to feel even fresher. So maybe weird combination of both?”

“That’s sounds pretty cool to be honest.”

Seungwan smirked.

“Are you going to do it as well?”

“Noooo!”

“Well that’s clear, no doubt about it”, the blonde laughed.

“I am too attached to my long hair… even though the knots are really annoying sometimes… most of the time…”

“Attached huh? Reminds of Rapunzel.”

“Yeah, didn’t you know? I’ll lose my powers if I cut it!”

“So if you sing, you’ll heal my wounds?”

“I’ll try. Without the singing though”, Joohyun added quickly. Seungwan smiled at that.

“You’ve done a pretty good job so far then…”

“I’m glad I did”, Joohyun smiled back. She then leaned forward and pressed a kiss on Seungwan’s cheek.

“So, you want to cut it today?”

The blonde nodded. Yeah, she was sure of it. Though she still felt a bit nervous about it, there was another side of her that was excited. That almost couldn’t wait.

“Alright. Then I’ll go with you”, Joohyun said.

“You will?”, Seungwan was somewhat surprised.

“Of course! Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because it will probably take a long time!”

“Hm… then we better eat first or else it will be a torture. Specially for you. I can just get up, but you have to sit through it. Your stomach would cry.”

“But it will be boring for you!”

Joohyun shrugged.

“I can entertain myself. I’ll just bring my notebook or something.”

“Are you sure?”, the blonde frowned her eyebrows in worry. Joohyun smiled. She lifted her arm and then softly pressed the space between Seungwan’s eyebrows.

“Don’t worry. Spending time alone is something I’m quite used to.”

After hearing that, Seungwan couldn’t help but be even more worried. Did Joohyun feel lonely? How could she have noticed it? Why didn’t she say anything? Why-

“Wow I told you to not worry and here you go… worrying even more”, Joohyun laughed.

“I don’t feel lonely. I said I’m used to spending time alone because I like it. I’m kind of a hardcore introvert. Even though that… hardcoreness… is less… hardcore when it comes to you”, the older girl reassured the blonde, almost as if she could read her thoughts.

Seungwan felt herself get a bit more relieved.

“Alright”, she smiled. “But if you ever feel lonely, please tell me… I would hate it for you to feel that way…”

Joohyun raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“I’m pretty sure I won’t.”

“Joohyun… please?”

The older girl nodded.

“Okay.”

She then leaned forward again and this time placed a soft kiss on Seungwan’s mouth. The blonde smiled at that. Quite quickly after they had gotten together, Seungwan had found out that Joohyun was touchier than she had expected. In fact, the older girl often initiated it. Kisses, caresses, hugs, head on shoulder, holding hands. They were common occurrences.

Not that Seungwan complained though. She actually loved it.

A lot.

Joohyun pulled away and pouted.

“Now let’s eat please. My stomach is seriously crying.”

----

She took small steps.

Each day, she allowed a bit more of light to shine in the room.

Sometimes, she ate slightly more.

At times, she was able to get up from the couch, trying to avoid spending 90% of the day lying down.

(Seulgi didn’t have the courage yet to sleep in the bedroom again. The empty bed next to hers triggered thoughts and feelings that made her feel suffocated).

But getting up did cost a lot of energy. Often the next day, she would then barely do anything. As if all progress had disappeared. She hated when that happened. She hated herself for it. She still couldn’t bring herself to look in the mirror; she was too frightened of what she would see.

It was so easy to feel lost and with no way out.

On some days, Seulgi would wake up and feel the need to cry. She would feel a heaviness in her chest as if something was forcing her down and punching her in the stomach. Her brain would be overloaded with things she didn’t want to think about. Images of her life, from her earliest memories until her latest. It made her feel sick, gave her the urge to vomit. She would lie down on the floor, hoping its coolness would be somehow of help.

It barely was.

On the other days, she would wake up feeling absolutely nothing. No pain, no sadness. But also, no happiness, no sense of being alive. The world would lose its colors. Hours would be spent staring at the ceiling and before she knew, it was night again. As if this body didn’t belong to her. As if her existence wasn’t real.

There had been a rare day when Seulgi had woken up feeling… okay. Better than usual. A tingle of hope hanging on a dread within her. Somehow there was something to look forward to, though she didn’t know what. Yet she also felt restless. Like she wasn’t supposed to feel okay. And this thought would consume her so much that by the end of the day she would feel even worse than usual.

Sooyoung would always be there on the right day at the right time. Seulgi sometimes wondered whether the younger girl had some sort of secret sixth sense or something.

Not that she complained though. Whenever Sooyoung was there, it was easier to cope with the bad thoughts and feelings. They didn’t go away, but they did become more bearable.

Sooyoung tried a lot. She made her cook with her, which Seulgi honestly liked. It was nice to do something together. At times they would just watch some movies. Or just talk.

(Just like when they used to talk a lot during their shared free periods. They talked about lots of things, including a bunch of philosophical subjects. They often seemed to share the same views. And if they differed in opinions, Seulgi would always be eager to listen to Sooyoung’s perspectives, since they were so interesting. Sooyoung was just interesting to her).

Whenever the younger girl had homework to do, she would just silently sit behind the desk, writing or typing things down. The tapping of the keys or the scratching of pen on paper somehow calmed Seulgi down. It made her feel less lonely, even though they didn’t talk then.

However, Seulgi couldn’t help but feel bad for being such a burden. The younger girl didn’t complain or anything. Not at all actually. But somehow, Seulgi just believed it to be a fact. Maybe that’s why her parents didn’t bother to give her any attention. If anything, it seemed like they tried to spent as little time as possible with her. And if the two people, her own parents who were supposed to be there and love her, thought of her as a burden, it became much easier to believe herself to a burden to everyone.

These types of thoughts had always come natural to her, though much less when Joohyun came into her life. Seulgi had become more positive and hopeful. Able to see the possibilities. Have the craziest ideas at times. At some point, people began to see her as smart, positive and confident. Perhaps a bit reckless. She liked to be seen that way. She wanted to believe it, even though doubt, insecurity and low esteem would always scratch the back of her mind, waiting for an opportunity to take over. Like in the old days.

Seulgi let her gaze fall on Sooyoung who was sitting next to her on the couch, leafing through a book with a focused look in her eyes and a frown on her face. She had swept her long hair to one side, but there was strand of hair hanging beside her cheek. It had fallen from behind her ear. For some reason Seulgi had focused on that sight for a bit, her mind deprived of any thoughts just for that one moment.

Sooyoung then suddenly locked eyes with her, as if she had sensed that she was being looked at. The frown on her face of confusion had now turned into one of curiosity and worry.

“Are you okay?”, she asked carefully.

Seulgi then snapped out of the trance, blinking a few times, looking around the room, trying to relocate herself.

“Oh, uh… yea, I guess”, she answered, unsure of her words. Sooyoung had picked up on her doubt. She laid down her book and turned to fully face the older girl. Seulgi quickly looked at the cover. It was a book on ethical theory. It sounded intense.

“Talk to me.”

Simple and straightforward. But it didn’t feel forceful. Her voice was gentle.

And for some reason, the simplicity of those words made Seulgi want to talk. Honestly talk. Which reminded her of something that had been on her mind pretty much for the entirety of her life. An answer to a lifelong question in a way. This question or issue had been troubling her even more lately, considering the situation.

“It often frustrates me… the way I don’t know how to find balance between being with someone or being alone. Specially lately”, Seulgi confessed.

Sooyoung nodded lightly, silently encouraging her to go on.

“It’s just… I’ve often read stuff about people having like a big dependence problem on others. But also about people isolating themselves… and I often wonder what the middle would be. What the healthy thing would be to do…”

Seulgi scratched the back of her head as she tried to order her thoughts.

“I think… I know I have a fear of being alone. Or maybe of feeling lonely. Being left behind. It’s something I’ve had since I was a kid. Back then I would always be afraid that one day I would wake up and that my parents would have never returned again.”

She felt herself starting to shake lightly. Talking about this had always been tough for her. Years ago, when she first talked with Joohyun about it, Seulgi had stuttered and shaken a lot. Joohyun had often tried to calm her down, tried to make her breathe more slowly.

Her heart was racing like crazy. She took a deep breath.

“Whenever I thought about the fact that I didn’t have anyone, no family or friends by my side, I would feel so miserable. And at some point, I tried to suppress those feelings and convince myself that I didn’t need anyone but myself. Until Joohyun came along. And then suddenly I shifted entirely.”

Seulgi looked up at the ceiling for a moment, to try holding back the tears that she felt burning behind her eyes.

“I became so dependent on her. If we didn’t talk for a day, I would feel so empty and stressed out. I would start having bad thoughts, like wondering whether our friendship was coming to an end. Whether she was sick of me. Whether she wanted to me out of her life. And then when we would talk again, I would finally feel relieved. This went on for quite a long time, but at some point, I stopped worrying so much. I believed that nothing would ever come between us.”

Seulgi let out a bitter laugh.

“Ironic right? Especially given the fact that I was the one responsible for what has happened. When she started to have feelings for Seungwan, all of my anxieties came back. I was so afraid I would lose her. I tried so hard to prevent that from happening… only to realise that if I hadn’t tried to come in between them, we would still talk. We would still be friends.”

She looked at Sooyoung who was looking at her with a pained expression in her eyes. Like a mirror. It was too confronting, so she looked away again.

“And then I went back to another extreme. I isolated myself. I told myself to accept that I would be alone and it was better that way. I tried to trick myself in believing that I had lost my fear of being alone.”

Seulgi knew it was bad. To go back to a state of self-isolation, to cut herself off from the world like that. But she couldn’t believe in her heart that it was bad. Her mind knew what made sense. But if her heart didn’t follow, then she wouldn’t believe it. And if she didn’t believe it in her heart, then she couldn’t stop doing it.

“And then you came along. And honestly th