Joohyun rubbed her thumbs over the rim of the glass in her hands, her gaze glued to the movement as she tried to ignore the tension in the room. Sometimes she would take quick glances at the closed curtains which hid the view of the balcony and feel her insides twist as she thought about the familiar sight in her own apartment.

Though both of them remained silent, Joohyun could hear it all. Seungwan’s breathing and the small breaks as she swallowed bits of air. The way her foot tapped against the floor in the same rhythm as her fingernails ticked on her glass. They were facing each other but their gazes didn’t meet.

Joohyun recalled the last time she had been in this same room, sitting on the exact same spot with a glass of water in her hands. She played the record of that day in her head. Confessions, rejections and apologies. The way Seungwan had called out her name with tears running down her face, before Joohyun had closed the door and left everything behind.

She could feel dry up as she replayed the memories, the burning sensation almost too painful to bear. Joohyun lifted the glass, pressed the rim against her lips and chugged down the cool liquid. As soon as the last drop of water ran down , the scratchy feeling returned as if she hadn’t drunk anything for days. Joohyun tightened her grip around the glass as the tension grew heavier, biting her lip to distract herself from the painful clenching of her heart.

None of them said a word, but Joohyun knew that sooner or later something would have to happen, that something had to be said, that questions had to be answered. The raven swallowed the dry air and forced herself to glance at the girl sitting opposite of her, capturing Seungwan’s gaze before the latter quickly broke the eye contact by looking back at her glass. Joohyun let her own gaze linger on the shorter girl, observing her closely as Yeri’s words popped up in her mind.

“Damn, you are pretty oblivious for a psychology major.”

Was she really that oblivious? Hadn’t she payed enough attention to Seungwan’s reactions as she thought she had? Was there something else that she had failed to notice?

Once again, Joohyun let her gaze travel over Seungwan’s face, specially focusing on the dark circles and puffiness. She recalled how red they had been when the blonde had opened the door. The sight resembled that of her own whenever Joohyun had observed her own appearance in the mirror after Seulgi had noted how drained she had looked. It was obvious that Seungwan was suffering from a lack of sleep. At first, Joohyun had wondered whether the blonde’s eyes reflected solely tiredness or whether she had been crying. That question was soon answered as the older girl had noted the traces of tears on Seungwan’s cheeks.

Joohyun swallowed down a growing lump.

Her eyes flickered back and forth from the blonde to the curtains and back. She recalled the other times she had been in the room, but back then the curtains had always been open.

No.

There was no way this could be just a mere coincidence.

Yet, there was still another option, another explanation to her actions. That maybe Seungwan was devastated because of the damage that was made to their friendship. That perhaps those were the only same feelings they shared, the pain over the loss of their friendship, the emptiness at night due to the sudden ending of their late-night conversations and shared smiles.

But that option proved to be impossible because of one sole fact.

“She is in love with you. She loves you. Seungwan feels the same way about you as you feel about her.”

Yeri never lied.

Joohyun continued to rub the rim of the glass, but her gaze remained fixed on Seungwan. She tried to formulate a sentence, a beginning to a conversation, an ending to the insufferable silence that rested upon them. She opened , the short inhale capturing Seungwan’s attention as the latter looked up and into her eyes.

The raven let out a breath, the words stuck between her lips and her mind blank as she stared at the blonde with a frown on her face. Seungwan, again, broke the eye contact, resuming the tapping and ticking. Joohyun didn’t know what to say. She was at a complete loss. Even confessing had been easier than this. Her frown deepened as her brain tried to assemble all the pieces and make them fit.

Eventually she decided to just blurt out whatever she was feeling.

“This is harder than I thought”, Joohyun breathed out. “I actually don’t know what’s harder. The fact that I can’t think of how to get to the point or the fact that I’m here with you and none of us seem to be able to talk to each other like friends would.”

Seungwan stared at the glass in her hands, visibly contemplating on how to respond.

Joohyun’s breath got stuck in when the blonde suddenly spoke.

“I’m sorry.’’

Her voice was weak, deprived of any energy and yet filled with a lot of hidden emotions. Indecipherable. Joohyun hated it how she couldn’t read her like she used to.

Unable to react to her apology, Joohyun decided to avoid responding to it.

“I actually have been wanting to talk to you about… about how things ended last time…”

Seungwan kept her gaze trained on the glass, but Joohyun knew she was listening carefully.

“I wanted to fix things. I… I had thought about it a lot and it didn’t feel right to end our friendship just because you didn’t feel the same about me, you know? I mean… why would I let such a valuable friend as you go just because things didn’t go the way I wanted? It would be such a big loss. You were worth more than that.”

Joohyun noted how the blonde blinked a few times, tears threatening to jump out of her eyes.

“That’s what I wanted to do. Fix our friendship, because back then I thought that my own feelings had been the only problem that was making things fall apart.”

Joohyun put down her glass on the table in front of them and Seungwan’s eyes followed the motion.

“But that’s not why I came today. I actually came here because I realized how blind I’ve been”, Joohyun now held Seungwan’s gaze with her own. “I… I came here because you didn’t tell me the truth.”

The blonde visibly stiffened except for her brief flinching. Silence settled upon them once again and if the absence of immediate denial from Seungwan hadn’t been enough to confirm Joohyun’s statement, then her response certainly did.

“You… you talked to Yeri”, Seungwan said.

Joohyun refrained from commenting on it as she knew that the blonde was stating it rather than asking a question.

“What… what did she tell you?”

“You should ask her about it. Not me.”

“Not enough.”

The raven observed Seungwan’s constantly fidgeting and her nervous gulps. After another few seconds of silence, Joohyun knew the blonde wouldn’t be the one to continue the conversation.

“Why…”

Joohyun briefly closed her eyes as memories immerged, her heart well-acquainted with the familiar aching.

“Why did you lie to me? Why did you tell me you didn’t feel the same?”

Her gaze was glued to the younger girl, Seungwan’s breathing loud in Joohyun’s ears as well as the erratic ticking on glass.

“I…”, Seungwan said only to interrupt herself by inhaling sharply, as if was holding back more than just words. The longitude of her silence twisted and turned Joohyun’s insides.

 “I… I can’t tell you… I’m sorry…”

The blonde’s voice was quiet and vulnerable and if it hadn’t been for Joohyun’s uttermost attention, the raven wouldn’t have heard her answer at all.

Joohyun furrowed her brows, momentarily breaking her stare to look at the glass in Seungwan’s hands as confusion filled her mind with questions. But instead of torturing herself by trying to figure out the answers on her own, Joohyun spoke up again, determined to know the truth.

“Why can’t you tell me?”

Seungwan pursed her lips as if she was trying to stop herself from uttering words that would fill her with regret.

“I just can’t...”

Joohyun dug her nails in her palm. Whether it was out of nervousness, impatience or both, she didn’t exactly know.

What was it that she couldn’t know?

“Wan, please tell me””, she asked, no, pleaded. But the blonde shook her head.

“I-I’m s-sorry… I can’t…”, Seungwan stuttered, her voice filled with guilt.

The raven pressed her eyes close as waves of desperation washed over her, creating burning tears behind her eyes. Her heart ached for answers. That’s all she wanted. Answers. Proper closure. Perhaps some confirmation that nothing had been in vain and that there was still a chance to find happiness with her. She should’ve felt ecstatic upon having discovered that her feelings for Seungwan were reciprocated but now, the opposite seemed easier to deal with.

As her despair grew, more fears ran through her mind and she blurted them all out, even if they didn’t make sense.

“Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?”

This time, the blonde didn’t waste any time as she immediately shook her head in panic. Joohyun let out a sigh.

How typical of the younger girl to place so much importance on not wanting to make anyone feel bad about themselves. Joohyun knew that even if she had lashed out on Seungwan, that the latter would’ve still done the same and this only frustrated her more.

“Is there someone else?”

Again, more head-shaking.

“Please, tell me, Seungwan, please, I’m begging you.”

Seungwan put one of her hands over her eyes, trying to cover tears that were about to escape and fall. The sight pained Joohyun immensely, even more than her own despair. Without giving it a second thought, the raven stood up and eliminated most of the distance between them. She got on her knees next to Seungwan and gently put a hand over her arm.

The blonde got startled at the sudden touch and immediately pulled her arm away, shuffling away.  Joohyun flinched at her uncharacteristic behaviour and she felt as if she had been stabbed in her chest.

“D-don’t… please… don’t come closer…”, Seungwan said as she held up her hand to stop the raven from closing the distance between them. Tears were streaming down her cheeks.

Joohyun swallowed the lump in again, but it was becoming increasingly more difficult to do so. Specially with the blonde behaving as if she was about to hurt her.

“Are you afraid… of… of me?”

Again, Seungwan shook her head.

“Then what is it? Why…”, Joohyun’s lips quivered. “Why are you acting like you are?”

“Please, please Joohyun…”

“What?”, the older girl leaned forwards, but Seungwan shook her head violently.

“Don’t make this harder. Just let it go. Let me go.”

“W-what… what are you even saying?”, Joohyun furrowed her brows confused, surprised and mostly at the unexpected pleads.

“Please…”, the blonde’s whispers gave away how broken she was, and her shattered pieces cut the older girl’s heart.

“But I don’t want to let you go…”, the mere thought of it was too unbearable. “…why… why would I do that?”

“You…you deserve someone b…better than me.’’

The raven shook her head, tears jumping out of her eyes.

“There is no one else... there is no one else.”

“You… you deserve s-someone who will make you happy”, the blonde continued.

Joohyun bawled her hand into a fist upon hearing those oh-so-familiar words. The exact same words the Seungwan had uttered back then on that unfortunate day.

“And I already told you that you make me happy!”, she said raising her voice as anger climbed up to .

“If I made you that happy, you wouldn’t be feeling like this…”, Seungwan weakly retorted. “I’m only hurting you. I’m only hurting you and everyone else. I’ve been hurting everyone…”

“Stop!”, Joohyun exclaimed. She took a sharp inhale, trying to calm herself down, to prevent herself from bursting. “Stop… doing that… stop thinking about everyone else…”

“Beat some sense into that overly selfless brain of hers. She needs it.”

“I… I can’t…”

“Seungwan.”

“I c-can’t…”

“Seungwan.”

“I-”

“Seungwan, look at me, shut up and listen!”, Joohyun said as she grabbed the blonde’s wrist, still careful not to hurt her despite of the rage she was feeling.

This time the younger girl silently did as she told, briefly flinching at the raven’s elevated voice, meeting Joohyun’s gaze with swollen and teary eyes. The older girl’s anger immediately quietened upon seeing the agonizing sight.

“Do you… do you remember what I told you… that day we were sitting on the bench outside? The day I talked to my mom?”

Seungwan didn’t answer, but Joohyun wasn’t waiting for it either.

“I told you that you deserve all the love and happiness and nothing else. And you know what? You still do.”

The blonde was about to protest but Joohyun held her hand up.

“You are always thinking of others. Always putting others above yourself. Both because you care, but also because you think so lowly about yourself. But you know what? You are far more worth than whatever you think you are.”

She let her thumb trace a line from Seungwan’s wrist to the palm of her hand and back, and Joohyun had to prevent herself from holding her hand and intertwining their fingers out fear she would scare the blonde off like she had done earlier on.

“Despite having to cope with the death of your parents and your grandparents, you always made sure to support Yeri, to look after her. And even though she isn't the type of person to say things like that, she still loves you a lot, you know? Yeri really cares about you. She makes sure to look after you in her own way, because to her you are worth that much. And you know Yeri isn't the person to waste time on people that mean nothing to her.”

Seungwan smiled faintly at those words, at the mention of her sister. Joohyun had to hold back from tearing up at a sight that seemed to have become foreign to the blonde.

“And you’re an amazing friend as well to the rest of us. Do you know how difficult it was for me to open up to people? I was just this person who built walls around me and didn’t allow for others took take a peek, because that scared me. And yet with you it just… happened…”, one of the corner’s of Joohyun’s slips slightly curled up at the memories. “You always made sure that I felt comfortable, you were always attentive and didn’t judge me. You always encouraged me to take steps forward, but it never felt forced. Honestly…”

The raven briefly bit her lip.

“You made my life worth living again. I began to wake up each morning looking forward to another day, and that was a feeling I’d rarely experienced.”

Joohyun teared her gaze off their hands to meet Seungwan’s eyes. The younger was silently listening, quiet tears tracing lines on her cheeks. The raven wanted to wipe them off.

“But that’s not all. There is so much more about you. Did I ever tell you how beautiful your voice is? God, that time I heard you sing… I just completely speechless, you know that? Your voice teleported me to another universe.”

The tears continued to stream, but despite that, Seungwan slightly smiled looking down in sudden embarrassment. It made Joohyun smile as well.

 “And you’re so passionate, especially when it comes to music. I remember the sparkles in your eyes when you told me what you majored in and how absorbed you were in the song you sang.”

“Also, you have this habit in which you tilt your head and smirk. It was one of the first things I noticed about you the first time we met. To be honest, it drove me crazy every time. In a good way, of course”, Joohyun quietly chuckled. “You were one hell of a tease, but that was okay because it was pretty funny. Which also brings me to your smile. Your smile is so vibrant, you know? Actually, you are vibrant in general. It’s amazing, really. It makes me feel lively as well.”

She now held Seungwan’s hand with both of her own hands.

“There is so much more about you that I could say and there is also much more about you that I don’t know yet but want to find out. You’re worth it in every way.”

The blonde still shook her head, a faint smile on her face.

“You’re making me sound like I’m too good to be true… I