7 weeks and three days had passed since things had happened (Seulgi counted every single day).

7 weeks and three days since she had last eaten something decent. The kitchen counter and living room table were under piles of half eaten instant ramen cups. The fridge only contained some vegetables that had been untouched as well as dairy products that were probably expired by now (she hadn’t bothered to look).

7 weeks and three days since she had put her phone on airplane mode, doing her best to avoid the world (and the painful possibility that no one cared enough to reach out to her).

7 weeks and three days since she had last spoken to any of her friends (who she probably lost by now. The uncertainty made her feel her a bit hopeful, hence the turning off of her phone).

4 weeks and six days since she had last seen her own reflection, until that one time she caught a glimpse of her worn out face and empty eyes on the black screen of her laptop. Not seeing herself in the state she was in made her forget the reality.

Also judging from the looks on people’s faces whenever she had gathered just enough strength to carry herself to school, it was quite obvious that she probably looked like death itself (the oversized black clothes she wore emphasized this matter).

Seemingly concerned classmates and teachers had tried to approach her, but she had waved them all off. Seulgi heard the constant whispering, but she couldn’t care less. It was what she deserved anyways.

Finally, two weeks and four days had passed since she last attended the seminars. All because of that one moment in time and space which had led her to see what she wished she had never seen. That one moment that confronted her with the reality she was fleeing from.

Seulgi had been dragging herself through the crowd on the university’s yard, forcing herself to attend class when her eyes caught the sight of four very familiar people who were happily chatting with each other, radiating sunlight. That sight had made her stop in her tracks and stare. Feeling the agony of missing them so deeply that she could almost feel her heart physically break.

And then she watched as a certain raven and a blonde looked at each other fondly, before the raven leant in and gave the blonde a kiss (Seulgi was now sure her heart was shattered and bleeding). The other two dramatically reacted, putting on disgusted faces and complaining about the public display of affection.

Honestly at that one specific moment, there were two types of grieve within her. One worse than the other. It made her both realize things, but it also, consequently, sent her into a deeper state of depression in which she, as of the present, didn’t even have enough mental strength anymore to even take a step outside.

One of the causes of her agony was the sight of the one she was in love with being with someone else. And not just anyone. With a friend who Seulgi had hurt to satisfy herself. This was now her punishment. And it made her realize that she truly never had a chance (which was something she had secretly known all along).

The other cause of grief, however, was a much stronger one. It was being forced to see the moments she was missing out on. Moments like teasing her friends because of their clinginess. Moments like pulling disgusted faces and fake throwing up for the sake of drama. Moments like experiencing Yeri’s brutal honesty, Sooyoung’s over-the-top eyerolls, Seungwan’s sweet smiles and Joohyun’s loud laughs. Being forced to realize how she was missing out on this bonding, these friendships, faced with her loneliness… there was nothing that caused her more anguish.

It remembered her of her life before Joohyun when she felt like she was alone in this world and believed that she was destined to live a somehow solitary life.

Seulgi had gained hope after meeting Joohyun, that things would never go back to the way they were again and that her future was bright. When Seungwan, Sooyoung and Yeri appeared in her life, it felt like she was unstoppable.

Oh, how easy it had been to lose everything in the blink of an eye. And there was no one else to blame but her and herself only.

Yes, that day she had cried her heart out in the darkness of her bedroom. And it was also the day she decided to not take a step outside unless absolutely necessary.

So here she was, sitting on the floor of the living room, her back against the couch staring into nothingness, thinking about her past, her present and future. Of what she had been, what she had become and what she would be. Trapped with guilt and regret and bitterness. (On some days, though, she actually didn’t feel much. Just a lingering numbness, no real process of thought. Just a grey filter over the picture of her life).

Seulgi suddenly remembered this one event in her past that had stuck with her ever since. She remembered vividly the sound of ambulances and police cars in front of her neighbour’s house. Her parents had stepped outside to check out what was going on. Her younger self had secretly followed them, curious about what had happened.

She remembered the pitiful looks on the other neighbours’ faces as they heard about how apparently this one older man had died in his house a few weeks ago but no one had known until the smell had become too strong to ignore. The repeated utterances had stuck with her. ‘Poor man, no one had ever bothered to visit him’ or ‘he truly lived a lonely life, how sad.’ Her younger self back then wondered if her own life would end like this.

Her present self now wondered the same thing. She wondered what would happen if suddenly she passed away in her apartment for whatever random reason (life can be full of surprises).

Would she rot away like that one neighbour until people only found out weeks later? She would then become that one poor girl who was so young and died an early and lonely death. Then her destiny would’ve truly become the chosen path of living an empty and solitary life. Her parents would be so proud. Hell, they probably wouldn’t even care.

Something deep within her, a voice in the back of her mind constantly told her to not give up. To stand up and fix things and make life her own, one worth living. But the disheartened part of her seemed so much more powerful. It told her that nothing was amendable, that all of her efforts would be in vain.

Seulgi found it easier to surrender to that part. It felt more realistic. There was no use in being an idealist. She would only set herself up for disappointment.

She leant her head back on the couch and closed her eyes, softly breathing, taking in absolute and complete silence.

Until suddenly there was knocking on her door and she jolted from her dead-like state. Her heart was beating at an ungodly speed.

Seulgi stared at the door, all sorts of thoughts running through her mind. Who was it? What did they want? What was going to happen to her? Was this real or was she just going crazy after weeks of being locked up in here?

Her gaze was fixated on the door and she listened carefully. For a while there was no sound and Seulgi was just about to conclude that her mind had been playing tricks on her. Until there was knocking once again. And this time, it was paired up with a very familiar voice.

“Seulgi? It’s me… it’s Sooyoung. I know you’re in there, so could you please open the door for me?”

The older girl frowned. Did she really hear that correctly?

She lifted herself up from the floor, with a bit of difficulty due to the excessive amount of tiredness that dominated her body and picked up the black hoodie laying next to her. She put it on and tried to cover most of her face with the hood.

Seulgi walked towards the door and put her hand on the door handle. And then she stood still like that, wondering whether it would be a better idea to just ignore the taller girl. One part of her strongly desired company in an attempt to maybe get rid of the loneliness. But another part of her didn’t want for Sooyoung to see her in this state. That part also thought she herself was not worth it and that Sooyoung was wasting her time by being there.

“I’m going to stay here until you open. Just wanted you to know that.”

Seulgi sighed finally deciding to open the door. Maybe if she was curt enough, the younger girl would go away. Pulling her hood lower to hide her face, Seulgi pulled the door handle down. She then carefully looked at the girl standing behind it.

Sooyoung was looking straight in her eyes. This made her gulp a little.

“What… what do you want?”

“To visit you of course!”, the taller girl smiled. Somehow, Seulgi didn’t seem able to believe her.

“Why would you want to visit me?”, she couldn’t help but pronounce that word as if it were the most disgusting thing on earth. That was the way she felt about herself anyways.

“Because I miss you.”

She seemed dead-serious. The gaze in her eyes reflected the truth of her words.

“Besides…”, Sooyoung lifted up the two bags in her hands, “I brought food!”

“F… food?”

“Yep!”

“Like… like actual food?”, Seulgi could barely remember anything else than the taste of instant ramen.

“Of course,” Sooyoung smiled softly. Seulgi could detect some worry in her eyes. “Can I come in?”

“Uhm…”, the older girl looked back to her apartment. The horrifying and messy state of it. “I don’t think that’s a good idea…”

“Oh, I think it is a good idea…”, the taller girl said with gravity in her voice. It made the older girl feel somewhat nervous.

“Sorry, but I think you should go”, Seulgi pushed the door to close it, only to be stopped by Sooyoung who had more strength. Just her one hand seemed to overpower the strength in Seulgi’s entire body.

“Please.”

The pleading tone brought her to a halt. Somehow it affected Seulgi more than she would want to.

“Please let me in, Seulgi.”

The older girl’s hands clenched into fists and she breathed out a shaky and heavy breath. She couldn’t ignore those words that felt like a hit to her stomach.

After trying to pick up a normal pace of breathing for a few seconds, Seulgi finally stepped aside, hiding herself behind the door but leaving space for Sooyoung to enter.

And the latter did so. She quietly entered the apartment. Seulgi observed the girl’s reaction, which, surprisingly seemed to lack. Sooyoung looked around, the light from the hallway making everything more visible. She then walked towards the kitchen counter and moved aside some of the instant food cups lying around so that she could put the bags down.

Seulgi watched the taller girl’s back as she quietly stood by the counter as if in deep thought. For some reason this made her feel anxious. She felt like she should say something, but it somehow felt weird to even interact with someone else than herself after these weeks.

“I… I really don’t think this is a good timing…”, Seulgi half-whispered.

“Good timing?”, Sooyoung turned around to face the older girl. “Tell me then when it will be a good time.”

The darkness of the room made Sooyoung’s face less visible and yet from her voice alone, Seulgi felt shivers run down her spine. This would be one of those rare times when rather than kind and gentle, Sooyoung would be downright pissed. Even though she appeared calm, the look in her eyes would give it away. Seulgi felt herself being somewhat thankful to the closed curtains for making this more bearable.

“I just want to be alone. I need to be alone…”

“Oh, you want to be alone?”

Seulgi gulped.

“I just told you I did…”

Sooyoung pushed herself off the counter and took a few steps closer. The light from the hallway fell on the taller girl’s eyes. Seulgi tried to resist both the need to take a step back and look away. She was sure that if looks could kill, she would now be a small pile of ashes.

“Alright, for how long?”

Seulgi frowned at the unexpected question.

“Uh-”

“For 1 week?”

Seulgi didn’t answer.

“For 2 weeks? How about 4? Maybe another 7? How about 3 months? Still too short?”

The older girl bit her cheek, trying to control the growing guilt as well as anger. She felt the need to shout at Sooyoung. To tell her to shut up. To ask her why she was here. To ask her why she even cared.

“Come on Seulgi. Answer me. At least tell me how long it will be instead of disappearing out of nowhere and not even care to give as least some signal that you are still ing breathing.”

This sudden burst of emotion caught Seulgi by surprise.

“You… you noticed?”

“Of course, I did!”, Sooyoung raised her voice. “Why would you even slightly think I wouldn’t, Seulgi? You become impossible to reach. You don’t answer any texts, my calls immediately go to voicemail. And then you suddenly stop coming to school!”

Sooyoung waved her arms and hands around as she shouted. Seulgi couldn’t bring herself to interrupt her.

“At first I thought: ‘Well maybe she is sick. There is no need to jump to bad conclusions.’ I tried to convince myself. But you know what? That becomes really ing hard when you still don’t show up after two weeks! And now, you still try to push me away.”

“Why do you even care that much? Why would you care about someone like me?”, Seulgi shouted back.

“Because…”, Sooyoung paused. She took a deep breath. “Why wouldn’t I care about you? You’re my friend…”

“Yea and a horrible one. I’m a horrible friend. I pushed you and I yelled at you. I manipulated Seungwan, who always supported me. I stabbed Joohyun in the back, who always by my side. I’m horrible. Why would you care about someone like that? Why would you even try?”

She truly didn’t understand. She couldn’t bring herself to believe that she deserved to be cared for.

The angry look in Sooyoung’s eyes faded. A gentle and sad gleam took its place.

“You’re not horrible, Seulgi. You made wrong decisions. But that doesn’t make you horrible.”

“It does.”

“It doesn’t. A truly horrible person wouldn’t feel this bad about what they had done.”

Seulgi’s gaze shifted to the floor. For a second, sh