Chapter XVIII - Mission Briefing, Exhaustion

You would think that given all the events of today, that there would be nothing left to say. That i can end this night peacefully and I can soundlessly fall asleep. But, of course, this is my life we are talking about and I find my mind restlessly wandering.

I could explain but... to put my words more exquisitely...

'She took one last breath before I had to say goodbye… and I began to mourn in the deafening silence. 

'Woe is me who knew thy beauty.'

Or whatever the hell that purple prose meant. 

Simply put, I had made it home safely and had to shut off the engine to the Porsche. 

Sigh. 

I know it's kind of stupid to be like this but I already miss it. There is no other way to explain it. That tingling sensation, that electricity, coursing through my veins and becoming a euphoric shock to the system. The way it vibrated against my skin as the car rumbled, massaging and melting me. The way it spoke, air rushing through it’s exhaust pipes, hum nipping at my ears. 

It was so intoxicating that I didn’t want it to stop.

I really do miss it.  

But!

But… 

After the adrenaline passes…

After reality sets in…

I can take a moment and actually appreciate the beauty of silence. 

There is something to be said about sitting here in the Porsche, cloaked beneath the darkness, hidden amongst the quiet. Like the world didn't know I was there and I was left to my own devices. Like I could escape and truly be free from it all. Like I was rid of my problems.  Settling into the plush red leather seats. Letting the cushions envelop me. Like it was hugging me, embracing me. 

Yeah… 

A girl like me could get used to-!

A flash of light and my phone vibrated. 

Sigh… If only I could get away from it all. If only for a moment. 

I looked over, wearing a knowing smile no one else could appreciate but me. 

Ha. 

Hahaha.

My God. 

Of course she would. She really is something else, that woman. Always popping up when I least expect it. 

Brilliant. 

There it was, a simple line of text, beneath a waterfall of unanswered messages from… her. 

[Jihyo <3: Thanks for the chat today. Hope you made it home safe.]

Did she time it so I would receive the message right when I got home? I do sometimes wonder how she does it. Maybe she had surveillance cameras installed here while I was on vacation? I wouldn't put it past her. 

That was the type of girl she was after all. 

“Ah well… Whatever…” 

I was about to put my phone away and get out, letting the message go unanswered, when it flashed and vibrated again. 

Another message. Though one more welcomed than the last. 

[My Dearest Yuna: Um… Did you make it home alright? I just wanted to make sure.]

“Hehe~!” I giggled to myself. 

How cute. She really was. 

Did she wait up for me, thinking up something sweet to say? Just to such pretty things to me? How long did it take for her nervous hands to create such poetry? 

Ha. I'm being too much, aren't I?

[Me: Thank you, my dear. I just got home actually. Hope you don’t miss my bed too much~!
(つ≧▽≦)つ Goodnight and sweet dreams!]

You can call it playing favorites, being biased. Whatever the you want. But Yuna is my girlfriend after all. 

And that was enough to justify my actions. 

Always. 

Past, present, and future. 

But don't be surprised if things get a little wonky. This is me we are talking about here. 

As for Jihyo… Things… Things just didn't work out between us. It's... complicated. A wondrous tale that would probably require its own moment in the spotlight to do it justice. A story for another time maybe. 

“SINB-YAH~! I'M HERE!” I yelled as soon as I entered the house. “WHERE ARE YOU!?”

“HERE!” shouted my friend's voice from the living room.  

As she usually would.

There was a professionalism to the way SinB lounged on my couch, lazily plopping herself there like it was the only thing to do. Like it was always meant to be. Possibly even her job. She was always like this, munching on some snack foods and playing whatever game I had on hand. Currently, she was crawling through a dense forest and hunting down a behemoth of a creature. Surrounding her was rations, junk food mostly, and a myriad of electronic devices from around my house. 

“You and Umji have fun today?” I asked, settling into a spot on the couch next to her.  “I assume you escorted the young lady back to the dorms?”

“Mmm… Yes and yes,” SinB answered both questions lazily. She was a bit too preoccupied with her game at the moment to give me her full attention.  “Loads of fun… Damn this game is hard!” 

“Loads of fun?” I raised an eyebrow. “In the bedroom…?”

“Yeah, we -!” 

A pause. 

A pause lasting a bit too long. 

My, my. 

How easily she falls into my traps when she’s distracted… 

She side eyed me nervously, no longer paying attention to the fact she was being eaten by a large dragon on screen. 

“You might want to be careful next time,” I smiled at her. “Sowon may have seen you two at it last night. She didn’t give me any details but I had a hunch based on her reaction.”

And she calls me a ert! 

“Ugh… Please don’t tell anyone, unnie!” 

SinB was blushing now. 

“I won’t, I won’t! Just surprised, that’s all.”

Girl got more action than me on my own birthday! Who would have guessed? Maybe Umji isn’t as innocent as she seems? Man… Now that would be a plot twist I’d never see coming! 

“Anyway,” I started, gesturing to a tablet at her side. “Show me what you got.” 

Frustrated with the game, SinB huffed and quit the session before sliding over to hand me the tablet in question. 

“Hmm… I couldn’t find much…” SinB explained, lips pursed. “But I think I got a lot of the surface stuff.” 

That’s the funny thing about her, my best buddy in the entire world.  So many people assume she isn’t that social since she’s in constant resting face mode all the time. I mean, who could blame them? It can be quite off putting to say the least. 

Which is why it always surprises me how many people she keeps in contact with around the school. 

I mean, think about the party. The place was packed! And with people I don’t fully know all that well! She was the one who invited all the people, not me. 

An undercover social butterfly who is friends with everybody.

And what better mole than someone who no one realizes knows everybody?

“The short version: it doesn’t sound good, unnie,” SinB said seriously. With her phone in hand, she started to quickly fan through her chat logs and cross reference with websites and social pages on the tablet. “Thought I’d heard the name ‘Choi Yuna’ around the university before. Seems that she’s quite… well known.” 

That last part didn’t come with a lot of enthusiasm. 

“Figured as much. Similar to Sowon unnie’s claims?” 

“Uh-huh. Every one of them.” 

On the tablet, a photo appeared of a familiar girl with brownish hair who was posing next to her beauty of a girlfriend. 

Shon Wendy and Bae Irene. Joy’s friends. 

“Wendy-shi is an aide in one of Yuna’s classes,” SinB pointed at the brown haired girl and started rereading her phone. “She said that while Yuna’s grades are fine, she doesn’t attend let alone participate much in class.” 

Another page, another photo. 

A girl with a striking, angular face that I remembered from the party. 

“Jisoo unnie’s friend, Rosé. Another honor student type.” SinB paused, looking at me with a sudden realization. “Bookish like you I guess. Anyway, she came in the same year as Yuna. From Australia. She mentioned that Yuna is a bit weird, always coming into class seemingly different depending on the day. Like watching scenes from a movie or something, she said.” 

“What?”

What does that even mean?

“It didn’t make any sense to me either,” SinB shrugged. “But yeah, the more people I talked to, it all sounded the same. ‘Choi Yuna doesn’t sing anymore’ or ‘Isn’t good with talking to people’ or ‘She’s just weird’. Oh! That’s kinda the new nickname that many of the other girls have started to call her. The Weirdo.” 

Sigh.

I could hear the scorn that came with the name. 

One of the reasons I didn’t like the way some of the art students did things. All this tradition crap did was create these ‘outward personalities’ that these names projected. It’s like everyone is this singular thing, a one dimensional being. Life wasn’t some low budget game! People are deeper than what they let on the outside. But I guess that’s what happens when people are so quick to judge and be set in their ways. 

Annoying really. 

“Any hints as to who would be reacting more…” I couldn’t find a better word. “‘Violently’ toward Yuna?”

“Nope,” SinB shook her head. “Lots of people seemed quiet about that. Not sure if they didn’t know or didn’t want to say.”

“Hmmm… That’s odd… An upperclassman perhaps? Might be out of fear or respect…” 

Lucky for me, I had none of those. 

“You’re guess is as good as mine.” SinB switched to the school’s webpage. “There are a lot of students that have a negative view on her as it is so narrowing it down would be pretty difficult..”

To say that the music program at the university is prestigious is an understatement. Many students tend to go on and have very successful careers. Not to mention the admission process 

“Joy...” I said sarcastically. 

“I found this though. Your girlfriend was good even back then.”

SinB then synced the video from the tablet to my PlayStation and had it stream on the television. 

A grainy video. Further blurred out on my large television. But even so, I saw her in the little girl awkwardly standing on a stage. 

Her long legs. 

Thin frame.

Dorky eye-glasses that are too big for her head.

A young Choi Yuna, mic in hand and ready to perform. 

Gone were the fears. There was only confidence.

Gone were the troubles. There was only passion. 

Gone were all the messed up thoughts clouding her head. There was only innocence. The innocence that only youth can bring. 

She was smiling brilliantly. Truly happy. Like she belonged up there on that stage. Like it meant more to her than anything else in the world. Her singing has definitely matured and improved but… I didn’t see this in the way she sang today. No. Not like this. 

What happened? What happened to this part of her?

Maybe hiding. 

Hiding away. 

Ashamed. 

“Where did the young Choi Yuna go…?” I wondered. 

“And turn into ‘the Weirdo’?” SinB pointed out.  

“Hmmph!” I snorted.

This Weirdo that I’m starting to obsess over…

Sounds bad, doesn’t it?

Oh well. 

I knew what I was getting myself into when I met her on the dance floor. Why not a bit more trouble? 

Should be fun.

“Anyway, thanks for this,” I smiled as I got up from the couch. “I’ll check out all the info you collected later on my phone.”

“Okay,” SinB smiled and started queuing up videos to watch. “Night.”

“Night!”

Sigh. 

Today has been eventful. 

To put it simply, I’m tired as hell and want to go to sleep. 

But now…

But now I’m starting to face another problem. Another problem I’ve faced so many times before and wished to the gods it would stop. 

There are dreams that are hard to accept. Some dreams that are too hard to swallow. Dreams so grand and opulent that they are only possible in some messed up fantasy. 

I feel like that sometimes. 

I like to think that I am a person quite capable of anything I can put my mind to. But sometimes I find myself unable to break away from old habits and wishful thoughts. 

And then I’m strangled. 

And then I'm trapped. 

Forever starving for sustenance but my palate is being too much of a snob to be satisfied. 

What do I have? 

Everything.

What do I get? 

That and so much more. 

And yet why do I feel so empty? 

And yet why do I feel so lonely? 

Yup. Here I am. Being a whiny little and yet trying to play the good girl in this ed up scenario. 

I really am messed up, aren’t I? 

Of course we already knew that but I just felt like repeating it. 

“I really am…” I whispered to myself. 

Another night, another dream. 

I’ll spare you the details but, suffice to say, I had a night and an even tier morning.

God, I really am pathetic?

Heh... Well. This was a bit unexpected, isn't it? 

Haha. So sorry for the delay guys. A lot of things have been happening to me recently. I started a new job (Warner Bros. Games) and its. kept me away from typing. But now with all the covid-19 stuff happening and my city on lockdown.... Well... I suddenly have a bit more time on my hands. Please forgive my absence. I didn't mean to wait this long. I have so much left to write and say with this fic that I really want to see it through to the end. 

Also, in all seriousness. I really hope you guys are doing your best to stay safe and healthy. Please remember to wash your hands and don't lose hope! Lets have some fun! Share some fics! And we will get through it all. 

Now we can get into the real meat and potatoes of this thing! 

As always, stay beautiful you wonderful peoples and have good memories and nightmares.

- Sundavar427