Flashback

Jongin shut his eyes for some seconds when he suddenly felt lightheaded. He let go of his pen and rubbed his eyes. He shook his head, trying to shoo the uncomfortable feeling away. He looked at the clock on his wall. It’s already 1 in the morning. No wonder his back’s hurting. He’s been sitting there, taking notes and reading his books for a couple of hours without taking a break.

His eyes fell on his hands. His ring finger has a very obvious callus. It’s from all the writing that he’s been doing all these years. He reached for a band aid and wrapped it around his finger. A knock on his door made him turn around.

Jonghoon peeked inside when he opened the door. He was yawning and ruffling his already messy hair. He looked like he woke up from his sleep.

“Why are you still up?” Jonghoon asked, closing the door behind him. He made his way towards Jongin.

“I was just studying,” Jongin replied.

Jonghoon looked at his brother’s neatly organized notebook. His books were highlighted and there were notes on the edges.

“Sleep. It’s already late. It’s not good for your eyes.” Jonghoon softly patted Jongin’s head. The latter slowly nodded. Jonghoon stepped back, yawning once again. “I’m serious, Kim Jongin. Sleep.”

Jongin just stared at the door when Jonghoon took his leave. He then looked back at his notebook, grabbing his pen in the process. He continued writing. Unlike his brother, he’s got a lot of studying to do.

A week later, Jongin found himself standing in front the bulletin board. Students flocking the same area, trying to look for their names on papers pasted on the board.

4th – Kim Jongin

He felt like his heart made a backflip when he saw his name on the top list. His extra studying finally paid-off. He made it to the top 5. A smile finally made way to his face. He had the same smile all the way back home. He was ready to show his parents what he has achieved.

When he opened the door, he could already hear his parents talking. They were laughing as if something really good happened.

“Mom. Dad. Guess what I-”

“You’re home? Jongin, look,” his mother said, cutting him off. She was holding a trophy with a very wide smile on her face.

Champion – 45th National Quiz Competition – the engraving on the trophy read.

“Your brother won. Fascinating, isn’t it?” she asked giddily. Jongin swore her eyes were shooting fireworks.

Jongin spotted his father checking an envelope and he knew right away that it was the prize money.

“Mom, why are you overreacting?” Jonghoon asked when he got out from his room. He was already wearing his pajamas.

“What overreacting are you talking about? It’s just natural that I’m happy. I’m just very proud to have a son like you. Who did you take from to be that smart?” Their mother sounded really proud and happy. She reached for Jonghoon’s head to pat him but Jonghoon evaded right away while making a face.

Jongin just stared at them. The three of them looked like a family. And even without him, you couldn’t even tell the difference.

Their father reached the remote and turned the TV on. “Sit down. The competition will begin in a minute.” He was talking about the quiz competition that Jonghoon participated in.

“I’m not watching it,” Jonghoon said as he made his way to the kitchen. “Ah, Jongin, did they release your grades today? You said that they’re going to give you your grades by the end of the week.”

Jongin kept silent for some seconds.

“Really? How are your grades?” their mother asked.

“They did not release the grades yet,” Jongin lied. “It got delayed.”

Jonghoon just looked at him as if he was reading between Jongin’s lie. He did not say a thing.

“It’s starting,” their father commented. And with that, Jongin took it as a sign for him to retreat back to his room. When he closed his door behind him, a sigh left his lips. How could he compete with his brother’s achievement? He has nothing but a piece of paper saying that came in 4th in the whole school. His brother came home with money from winning a competition. He shut his eyes. He just felt so tired.

That night, he found himself sitting in front of the display cabinet. His eyes were glued on the trophy that his brother just brought home. Three fourths of the cabinet was filled with his brother’s medals, certificates and trophies. Looking at them made Jongin feel the gap between him and his brother.

He grew up getting compared to his brother by his teachers and his schoolmates. When he entered middle school, the comparisons became like a part of his daily life. ‘Your brother was like this. Your brother was like that. You’re Kim Jonghoon’s brother? He’s my best student. I expect a lot from you.’ He has heard those lines thousands of times. He felt like he was being suffocated by all the attention and expectations. Expectations that he’s as good as his brother.

Their parents never straightly compared him to Jonghoon but he just felt like there’s a wall between him and their parents. For years, he’s been running to cope with Jonghoon. He thought he was narrowing the gap. He was wrong. Because no matter how much he runs, Jonghoon’s just in another level.

“You can’t sleep again?”

His brother’s voice made him jump in surprise. Jonghoon had this worried expression. He’s always seen that expression on his brother’s face whenever he catches Jongin still awake in the middle of the night.

“Do you want me to make some hot milk for you?”

Jongin shook his head right away. Jonghoon sighed and took a seat beside Jongin.

“What are you thinking of?”

“Just some things.”

 Jonghoon drew a deep breath.

“Do you hate me?”

Jongin turned to Jonghoon with a quizzical expression.

“Do you find me annoying?”

“No,” Jongin replied with a soft voice. “I’m actually envious. I envy you and everything that you can do.” Saying that did not make him feel better. “You’re a natural genius. You can understand and memorize things even if you just read them once. I can’t do that. It takes me a lot of time to fully grasp a lesson. I wish I could be like you.”

Jonghoon sighed as he placed an arm around Jongin’s shoulder. “Why are you putting yourself down like that? You’re also bright. D