Youngjae shouldve known something was up. Of course he couldn’t just have a good ing day, he must’ve done something in his past life so terrible to deserve all of this. Opening his front door to park jaebums face was the last thing he wanted right now. It was such a good day and the memories are being ruined by jaebums sudden appearance. He feels sick. He can hear his breathing become shallow and his legs shake like they’re threatening to give out on him, he wants to run, go as far away from here as his legs can take him and never return. It feels too similar to that day. He wishes that memory would erase itself from his brain but it replays over and over again instead like a broken record. It seems like hours have passed. The rooms deathly silent,everyone seems to be holding their breath, waiting for youngjae to do something but all he wants to die is curl up in a ball in die. 

“Youngjae.”

    He can feel his body shake violently when he hears that voice. It’s been so long. A part of him misses it so much his heart hurts, but the part of him that never wants to hear it again is stronger. That voice reminds him how dirty he is, how worthless he is, he hates it almost as much as he hates himself. 

“Get out.”

   His voice is so small he isn’t sure anyone heard it but obviously jaebum did he opens his mouth to reply but youngjae doesn’t let him.

“I SAID GET OUT.”

   He’s shaking so violently bambam rushes forward to hold him.

“Guys this isnt a good idea please youngjae can’t handle this.”

   Bambam speaks, and suddenly everyone’s talking at once and it’s too much for youngjae to handle. He folds in on himself and lets bambam cradle his shaking body. He wants to tell him it’s working, that he’s feeling better but he feels so small and powerless right now. Jinyoung pulls jaebum as far away from youngjae as possible and he furiously whispers to him. After awhile jinyoung cautiously approaches youngjae.

“I’m so sorry this isn’t going as planned youngjae we-“

“What.”

“You..you planned this?”

    Jinyoung hesitates before responding, a grimace on his face when he realizes there’s no words to fix this.

“We..We just wanted to help.”

“H-Help? This isnt ing helping anyone. He hurt me. And now you just want me to sit here and have a conversation like everything’s okay?”

  Jaebum cuts in. “Youngjae I know i was wrong. I was so wrong. I was drunk. That doesn’t excuse anything I know. I-I just.. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I love you. I don’t ever wanna hurt you Jae ,If I was sober you know I wouldn’t dare-“

“No I don’t know jaebum. What you did..the things you said..you cant excuse that. Do you know how many times I thought about what would happen if you hadn’t passed out? How weak and pathetic I must’ve looked to you? How-How easy I was?” Youngjae was crying at this point but he didn’t stop, he needed jaebum to hear him out. “Bum I lost one of my closest friends that day. Don’t sit here and talk to me like you’ll ever know what it’s like. It hurts. It hurts so badly sometimes I can’t even breathe. I have nightmares. I died that day. Whatever’s left of me isn’t that youngjae you, or anybody else knew. You don’t love me you loved the person you destroyed. I’m all that’s left. You ruined me.”

     Jaebums crying now too and it hurts. It hurts so badly. Youngjae loved this boy.. even now, he loves this boy. But he wouldn’t dare act on those feelings. Any relationship him and jaebum ever had is dead. There’s no fixing them. 

“In another life...maybe we could’ve been happy together. I’d like to believe there’s a universe where we’re together and everything’s okay. We’d make stupid couple videos on YouTube and have the dumbest dates. We’d be the gross couple our friend group is so tired of for being overly domestic...” he looks around at everyone in the room and tries to imagine what they’d be like if this didn’t happen. They’re so broken now..he doesn’t think he can fix them. And that hurts youngjae more than anything jaebums done to him. “But not in this universe. Ever.”

Jaebum knew it’d be like that, in fact he expected it to go a lot worse, so he tries not to cry at the realization that whatever him and youngjae had is over for good, he can’t help but shed a few tears. He didn’t just lose a crush..he lost a close friend.

“Atleast..atleast hear me out. I know I hurt you. Badly. But I want to fix you I just.. um, I have a therapist and they’ve helped me through my..issues, for years, I know you don’t owe me anything but just consider going to her. I hope you live a good life, one without a up like me in it.”

    Jaebum leaves after that, youngjae doesn’t know how long he’s been standing there but all he can hear is the sound of his heart beating a mile a minute. It’s too much. Youngjae rushes out the door he doesn’t even hear yugyeom or bambams shouting. 

    He aimlessly strolls as far away from the house and his friends as he possibly can. His feet take him down a familiar path as his thoughts take over. He almost doesn’t hear his phone ring in his pocket. He looks at the contact name and sighs.

     How do you tell the person who gave you life you wish you were dead? Youngjae doesn’t know how, so he doesn’t . Instead when his mom calls he puts on the cheeriest voice he can and tells her how great he’s been doing. He doubts she believes him but she says nothing, waiting for him to tell her the truth so she doesn’t have to pry, but youngjae doesn’t want to say anything else so he hangs up. He didn’t tell her goodbye. Goodbyes feel too final. 

     His aimless midnight stroll leads him to the Han river. He was just here a few hours ago but he feels like it’s been lifetimes. He’s so tired his feet stop dead in their tracks in the middle of the bridge. He’s so tired. /I could end it all, he thinks. I won’t be tired anymore. He doesn’t like these thoughts but they’re so hard to stop it just keeps getting louder and louder in his head until the voices are screaming at him. He wants to make them stop. Wants to make everything stop. Its so simple. Just jump. They’ll be no more responsibilities, no more jaebum, no more nightmares, no more hate comments, it’ll all stop. JUST JUMP. He didn’t know when he started moving closer to the edge he can’t remember getting this close but now here he is, shaking so hard with every step he thinks he might collapse.

he could jump.

AUTHORS NOTE: ahhh hello everyone !! I rlly miss being super active on Asian fanfics and having friends on here and stories to read I feel so out of the loop now T.T please link me to good got7 fics on here I wanan get back into it all !!