“Mihyun ?”

I stare out to the blue clear sky. The rain has stop and today is warm. A lot warmer than the cold night yesterday. I just sit on the bed with my leg crossed-- spending the day looking at the outside through the window in my room. I feel the bed shift, just to find Wonho sitting next to me. I raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to say something.

“It’s time to eat” He said and I shook my head as I turn away. I want to lock the door and not let anyone see me like this. I just want to be calm. Away from anyone but my body won’t budge from the bed. “Mihyun, come on the others are waiting” He said.
 

I close my eyes and breath in deeply.

“Then don’t” I said, “Can you please, leave ?” It take for a long moment until he finally leave me by myself. I take a deep breath over and over again. I just don’t want to lost myself. Not again. I am in pieces.. and I lost a few. I want it back.

My head flashed a few bad memories. The time when I try to cut myself and I remember that I still keep the sharp things in the drawer just next to my bed. My head is telling me to get them again. I turn and look at the closed drawer. I haven’t touch that drawer for a long time and I thought I will never open it again.
 

It feels suffocating at the time. I don’t want to do it but the other part of me is telling to end it now. Be free. Be free. But am I not free now ? Will it feel more than it is if I end it now ?
 

My head suddenly feel dizzy. Everything go around and around. I put my hand on my forehead and feels that I am burning. The last time this happen, I shout out to my mum for help.. but she is not here. I grab to anything I could hold onto as I want to leave the room. That is when the door open. Revealing that face which I started to hate.

Minhyuk look at me until he realized what is happening.

“Mihyun-” He hold onto my hands but I shoved it away. “Don’t touch me” I said as I glare at him, “Turn away from me.. you’re good at it” I said as I take a deep breath. It’s hurt. I want him to hug the fever away but my body is doing otherwise. My vision is getting blurry as I try to get away from him. I don’t remember much what happened next as all I can see is total blackness.

Am I free now ?

- - - - - - -

“I’m dating Minhyuk” I said to my brother who is holding onto a tray fills with water and medicines. He froze right there with his shock face. “I just feel like telling you the truth” I said heartlessly, almost like the thing I am saying is nothing. I don’t have the mood to do anything but to lie down on my bed and staring up at the plain white ceiling.
 

“Since when ?”
 

“Few weeks. Maybe three. Perhaps. I cannot recall”
 

I hear his heavy sighs. I am sure he is worried sick as it s- which I believe cannot date anyone at this time around. “Is this why you keep asking me about you having a boyfriend ?” He ask. Kihyun sounds a lot calmer than I expect him to be. I just nod as my eyes still stuck on the white ceiling.
 

“We.. we will talk about this later. Have some meds first”
 

“Are you mad ?” I ask and it silent for a few seconds. “Huh ?”
 

“I’m asking if you’re mad at me ?”
 

“I’m not. It just.. a bit shocking that you have a feeling on him”

”You are mad. Tell me Kihyun. Why do I have to keep Minhyuk behind the closed doors ? Can’t we love ? This is my first time knowing that falling in love is a sin”
 

“I’m not mad, Mihyun. I mean it”
 

“You’re saying that because you’re scared I might do stupid things again”
 

“Mihyun--”
 

“I have always leaned on people around and craved for loves, Kihyun” I said. I feel my eyes turn warm as tears filling up in it. “Sometimes I feel so pathetic that I want them to stop whatever they are doing and leave me.. like how mum and father did”
 

“They never leave you”