Amber watched Krystal set down her luggage and make her way over to the bed, looking elegant in a white cotton maxi dress hanging onto her slender frame by two thin spaghetti straps. They were in a hotel room together booked in an out-of-the-way Italian village. 

She heard the little breathless sigh leave Krystal’s lips when she laid down in her arms, that same sweet sound she always made around Amber, like it was a relief to be near her again. 

Amber couldn’t understand it, that feeling of breathless waiting. She knew Krystal loved her more than she loved Krystal, well…loved her in a different way. A way she could never know. 

She ran her hands through her long dark hair and held her close to her chest. 

“Sometimes,” she said out loud, looking down at the woman she’d known so long but could never fully know, “I wonder if I love you just because you love me…” 

Krystal turned her head so she could see her eyes. “That doesn’t bother me,” she said honestly. “I’ve wondered the same thing. But it’s not a bad reason to love someone…is it?” 

Amber rubbed Krystal’s back. “I booked this place so we could be together, and so we could talk.” 

She felt Krystal tremble and knew that it was her fault. 

“We’ve needed to talk for a long time,” Krystal agreed. “I don’t mind if you love me just because I love you because I pursued you and couldn’t let you go. I love you just because I love you which isn’t really a reason for loving somebody at all.” 

“It’s one of the best reasons,” Amber said. “Cause it’s not a reason at all.” She scrunched down in the bed so they could hold each other face to face. She put her nose to Krystal’s. “It makes this easier. So much easier.” 

Krystal looked at her with uncertainty. They’d been together for years and held each other for a summation of months. Their dates had been quiet, intimate things though their actions sometimes furtive with the need to stay hidden. “Makes what easier?” 

Amber’s large eyes stared intensely into hers and Krystal felt her heart shake. The pain of knowing you loved someone more than they loved you was only bearable when they were yours. 

“We can’t keep doing this,” Amber said, holding Krystal tight, “chasing each other across the world and sneaking around.” 

Krystal nodded. “I agree. I’ve been thinking about it for some time as well,” but Amber could see the question in her eyes. The question of whether she would stay. After all his time…Krystal still didn’t seem to know her that well, or the problem lay with Krystal. Or with Amber for not being the best at letting Krystal see how she was feeling. 

Amber kissed her pink lips softly, then rolled back so she could stare up at the ceiling. “Let’s talk about this more tomorrow morning, okay? We’ve both had long flights and I want our heads to be clear.” 

She felt Krystal nuzzle tighter to her side and nod against her arm. “Yeah. In the morning, we’ll talk.” 

__

They ordered room service, but Krystal barely had an appetite. She nibbled on the bread, fruits, and cheeses nervously. When she got dressed, the mood still seemed odd and she didn’t want to leave the room when Amber suggested they go on a walk. Here, in this room, she could hold Amber still and they could say everything they needed to say and get it all out of the way. 

Out in the open air, Amber could get easily distracted. Wander from the conversation and wander from her side. 

But Amber held her hand out to her and she went. The sun on her skin felt good. Laughing and chatting and holding hands with Amber without worrying about the stares or the cameras made her feel even better. She ate everything Amber fed her. Some of it delicious, some of it so odd in flavor it she spat it out immediately, glaring at her girlfriend. 

They made their way out of town and down to the water, kicking it lightly to splash each other. They stayed there until the sun went down, just laying at the water’s edge getting sand in their clothes. 

“I don’t feel like walking back,” Krystal sighed, watching the stars appear in the blackening sky. 

“Then let’s just lay here,” Amber said, twining their fingers together. She kissed Krystal’s cheek, then waited until she turned her head so she could kiss long and deep. 

The tenderness scared Krystal. She somehow felt like Amber was saying goodbye. 

__

Another few days passed of them not really talking, but just being in each other’s company. Krystal’s heart felt uncomfortable, but Amber seemed happier than she’d ever seen her, and so relaxed. In fact, she couldn’t remember Amber taking a single phone call when she’d been in her company. She couldn’t even remember if Amber had her phone with her or not. 

She sat up in their hotel bed and looked down at the woman sleeping peacefully next to her thinking about all they’d gone through together and apart.

“Why did I have to fall in love with someone like you?” 

Amber’s eyelids fluttered open and she stared at Krystal in the darkness. “Do you regret it?” 

The younger woman shook her head. 

Amber smiled. “Weirdo.” 
Krystal gnawed on her lower lip, wondering if she should say what was on her mind, but she’d learned that she never got anywhere if she didn’t speak. She huffed and propped her back against the headboard. Amber, curious about Krystal’s sudden frustration, sat up beside her. 

“What’s up?” She asked, her voice still full of sleep. She placed her hand on Krystal’s thigh. “You know you can talk to me about anything.” 

Krystal took Amber’s hand and fiddled with her fingers. “You’re making me nervous.” 

Amber smirked. “I’m glad I can make you still feel nervous after all these years.” 

“Not in a good way,” Krystal corrected, a frown marring her forehead. 

“Oh?” 

“You haven’t taken any phone calls since you’ve been here and you keep saying weird things and, I don’t know…” 

“I just want to focus on you. I have my phone turned off. It’s in the bottom of my suitcase. If someone really needs to reach me that badly, they’ll call you. But they know I don’t want to be disturbed right now.” She kissed Krystal’s fingers. “Now let’s go back to sleep.” 

“That’s not the only thing bothering me.” 

“Yeah?” 

Krystal glanced at her from beneath her lashes. “We haven’t had the entire time we’ve been here.” 

“Oh…” 

“I know you’re probably tired from flying around so much and you’ve been working really hard to wrap up those music videos in L.A.…maybe I’m just overthinking it, but you seem to turn away from me each time I try to get intimate with you.” 

“Ah…” Amber ran a hand through her short, dark hair. “Yeah. I just haven’t been feeling up to it. Sorry.” She wrapped her arms around her girl friend and pulled her back down into bed and beneath the covers. “I’ll just cuddle you harder tonight, hmm?” 

Krystal smiled a little, but she still felt uneasy. 

“And I hope you don’t mind if I stay at my old place when we get back to Seoul.” 

“…but…you can stay at my house. My parents adore you and it’s so empty since Jess moved out and got married.” 

“It’s just something that I need to do, okay?” 

Krystal sighed, giving in again. “Okay.”