“You lied to me.” 

Amber sat on the sofa, watching Krystal pace around her house. Her roommates were out, so they had the space to themselves. 

“I didn’t.” 

“You said you wanted to make this work, now you want to leave…” 

“I never said-“ 

“Why did we start again if we’re never going to have time together?” Krystal demanded. “You’re going to be on a completely different continent most of the time, and if the past year is any indication of what I can expect, then I don’t know if I can do it.” She pressed her hands to her eyes, trying to stop the tears, but they just wouldn’t cease. “I don’t know if I can do it,” she said again. 

Amber reached out her hand to her and Krystal reluctantly took it. She pulled her down into her lap, cradling her against her chest. 

The minute she’d returned to Korea, she’d called Krystal and they’d met up. It’d been long over due. They were happy to see each other, but they could both read that words needed to be said in each other’s eyes. They’d been having this partial relationship for a year. It was time to figure out what they both wanted. 

“I’m going to be flying back here for work…” 

Krystal only sobbed harder. 

“I can’t believe you made this decision without me.” 

“If I included you, I wasn’t sure I could go through with it,” Amber said. “It’s a decision I’ve been agonizing over for a long time. I love it here and I love you, but there’s only so much a foreigner can do in Korea, especially a woman. You know that.” 

“Amber…” 

“They won’t stop seeing me as different and limiting me so I’m just going to go to LA where I can do everything that I want. There’s just so much more space for me to be me there.” 

“And what about me?” 

“Could we ever really be together here anyway?” 

Krystal looked up into her eyes. “Are you saying that it’s over.” 

“N-no. No. I’m not saying that.” 

Amber sighed and pressed her forehead to Krystal’s. 
“Then what are you saying?” 

“That…well…”

“Can we really keep seeing each other only a few times a year? And for how long do you expect us to do that? Do you even really miss me when we’re apart?” 

Amber looked down and away. She wasn’t the sort to think about more than one thing at once, so when she was focused, no…she didn’t really miss Krystal. It was the empty parts of the day when she thought about her. That’s why she felt it was slightly easier for her than Krystal to consider a long-term long distance relationship. 

“Seriously?!” Krystal snapped. She tried to pull away from Amber, but the older girl held her close. Her strength proving too much for Krystal. 

“We’re just different people, Krystal. Can you understand me? I don’t think I need the same relationship that you might.” 

This time when Krystal tried to get away, Amber let her. 

“I thought we were finally getting somewhere.” 

“We are!” Amber insisted. 

Krystal shook her head, holding up her hands. “You’re moving to California!” 

Amber stretched out on the sofa, tension and stress overwhelming her. 

“You’re asking too much,” Krystal said softly. 

Amber heard her walk across the room and kneel by the sofa. A hand landed softly on stomach. 

“Sometimes you can’t have everything, Amber.” 

Amber moved her hands from her eyes and looked at the girl kneeling next to her. “When have I ever had everything?” She asked. “When have I ever had anything?” 

Krystal’s face crumpled. Krystal always got to be with her family here in Korea, travel with them, see her sister when they were both free, even work with her. Amber had been wanting to sing since they debuted, but for one reason after another, she’d been pushed to the side to rap. She’d wanted to explore directing, but there wasn’t a lot of opportunity in South Korea. She’d wanted to see where her true passions were but there was barely room to grow and explore in Korea. California was just so much bigger with access to so many different avenues of entertainment. And Amber’s family was there. 

“I’ve never had everything either…” Krystal said defensively. 

Amber cupped her cheek in her palm and pulled her close. “I know. No one has. And this isn’t about you. It’s about me…for once.” 
Krystal closed her eyes, trying to collect herself. Trying to think. Trying to figure out what she wanted. What she needed. What she was capable of withstanding. 

She opened her eyes after minutes of contemplation to find Amber still looking at her. 

“Even if I didn’t move, we’d have to hide our relationship for the rest of our lives here. We could never have the relationship we want.” 

Krystal didn’t want to hear that but it was only the truth. It was hard enough to date a man out in the open, she couldn’t imagine what would happen if she and Amber ever announced their relationship. It could ruin both of their careers.

“We’re different than we used to be, and in the future we’re going to be even more different. Do we want to work on that together or-“ 

Krystal grabbed Amber’s hand and held it tight in hers. “There is no ‘or’. You’re who I decided on a long time ago. I don’t even think there could be anyone else. I’ve tried. I’ve thought about it, but no one makes me feel the way that you do. Even missing you feels better than trying to fall for someone else.” 

Amber smiled, pulling the back of Krystal’s hand to her cheek. “So we’re going to try to make this work?” 

“Yeah,” Krystal said, tearfully. “I’ll be stronger. More patient.” 

“I’ll be more open,” Amber promised. “I’ll work hard until I can get a place for both of us where you can stay when you have to work in the states.” 

“And I’ll do the same. Rather than going on vacation, I’ll just come to be with you.” 

“Or we could disappear together,” Amber suggested. “You can show me what you find so appealing about vacationing to cold places.” Amber shivered at the thought and Amber finally laughed. 

They were probably being foolish. They would probably grow tired as the years passed and grow apart. But she wanted to take the risk. It wouldn’t be a waste of time to see where this could go. 

She clasped tightly to Amber and pulled herself up on the couch, laying herself on the older girl. “Let’s not let break up enter our vocabulary again. Not until we look at each other and feel absolutely nothing at all.” 

Amber wrapped her arms around Krystal’s slender waist. “Do you think that’ll ever happen?” Amber asked seriously. 

Krystal bent her head forward and pulled Amber’s lips into her own, her hair brushing the sides of Amber’s face. “I’m tired of thinking about the future. It makes everything worse thinking about the what if’s and maybe’s. It’s what makes things harder for me, always wondering and worrying and hoping.” She felt Amber’s fingers creep under the hem of her shirt, brushing against the tender skin on her lower back. She released a soft breath and took Amber’s lips again. “I hope you’ll forgive me later if I can’t stick to my words.” 

“Krys…” 

“Just promise me, Amber. Promise me you’ll forgive me if I start telling you it’s too hard again, that I don’t know if I can do this. When I’m with you it all seems like it might work, but when we’re apart-“ 

Amber cupped her face in her palm and looked directly into her large, brown eyes. “I promise, I’ll forgive you. I love you, Krystal.” 

The promise made Krystal feel relieved and even more assured that maybe they could do this. She smiled gratefully and kissed Amber again, more deeply and firmly as if this kiss held and sealed their promise. They would both try and they would both understand if they failed and try not to hurt each other more in the process. 

Amber’s hands slid up the smooth skin of her back beneath her shirt, caressing her tender skin and kneading it in her palms.

“We haven’t had since-“ Krystal gasped as Amber flipped her onto her back. 

“Let’s do something about that.”