13 - A Goodbye
If You Know, I Still Do
I propped my chin on my palms, letting my eyes to wander around without exact purpose. I heaved another sigh as the lonely feeling engulfed me again.
As if my heart was going to be tested, Yoseob just came out from the classroom right across from mine. He was laughing with his friends and I was pretty sure he didn't see me.
Partly because he was not paying attention at me. The other reason was because I quickly squatted down to hide my face from him.
I didn't know why but I felt he wouldn't want to see my face. Perhaps I would feel the same if I was him.
"Harin?" Rina called me as she stepped out from her friend's classroom to lend a book. She looked at me with a frown, "What are you doing?"
"Ah, n-nothing," I straightened my body slowly, rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly. "I dropped something..."
Unfortunately Rina saw Yoseob and she even waved to him. I didn't dare to turn around so I just freezed on my stand, dropping my gaze reluctantly.
"Are you going to avoid him forever?" she asked me with sad look. "I'm not going to criticize you or else but I think you need to talk to him if you still, well, love him."
I held my breath when I heard her words. She was not the first person who told me that and it's not the first time either but I could never retort the statement.
Of course I still loved Yoseob. He gave me almost everything and I was completely the happiest girl ever when he was with me. Was it possible not to love him?
At least two weeks had passed since the last call Yoseob gave to me that night. Ever since then I had not talked with him. Even for once.
I sent him text messages, apologizing for numerous times but he didn't reply me. I had no courage to call him so I just tweeted whatever I had in mind, hoping that he would read it and forgive me.
Both Junyeon and Rina had lectured me about apologizing in person to him. They tried their best not to hurt my feeling but I knew that I was all who was to blamed here.
Did I even deserve an apology? I didn't even know what I should say to Yoseob. What would I want to hear if I was him?
"Harin," Rina stopped her steps when we had reached the bus stop. She took a deep breath, "Look, I know you feel guilty and all but silence doesn't help you even for the slightest."
We stared at each other for seconds before she said, "I know you're scared about what he will say but do you want everything to stay like this forever?"
I was speechless. Every single of her words was right. I was too scared to face the consequences to talk directly to Yoseob. I hated the current situation but I didn't do anything.
Should I talk to Yoseob? What if he ended up hating me more?
"You're not the only one at fault here," Rina suddenly exclaimed when we had reached the next bus stop. "I think I need to be blamed as well."
"What do you mean?" I asked while we stepped out from the bus, continuing our steps. How could I blame her when she didn't do anything?
"It's about Junhyung...," she said without looking at me. "Perhaps I should have told you before. I just want you two to at least be friends."
I frowned and blurted out the question, "You know why he broke up with me, don't you?"
I should had known that Rina must knew something because she was quite close to Junhyung before. Not as close as me but, well, close enough I guessed.
Rina puffed her cheeks and gazed at the sky, "Let me put it in the harsh way since I don't know how to say it in a good way. He doesn't deserve you, Harin."
"What did he say?" I held her shoulders, demanding an answer from her. "What did Junhyung say?"
"He...," Rina gave me an extremely apologetic expression. "He was bored."
I felt like someone just stabbed me with an imaginery knife when I heard her answer.
"You are really nice and caring while he can't be like that to you forever. He thought it would be the best way to end it sooner or your heart would be broken worse," Rina explained. "That's not the answer you want, isn't it?"
I let go of her and a tear escaped my eyes. I quickly wiped it away, feeling like the biggest fool in the world, "What... And everything turned this way because of my stupid affection for him?"
"I'm sorry, Harin," Rina hugged me in sisterly way. "I'm sorry..."
I really wanted to blame her. I really wanted to scream at Junhyung. But in the end I just cried because I knew doing those won't change anything now.
Rina walked me back to my house in silence. She apologized to me once again before we parted our way.
I threw myself on bed and pulled the teddy bear, looking at it sadly, "Seobbie... Do I deserve an apology from Yoseob?"
Perhaps I should call him. I hated that I must avoided him everytime I saw him. At least I needed to apologize properly to him.
For at least five minutes I only stared at my phone screen. I just needed to press the call button so I could talk to Yoseob but I felt that it's really hard to do it.
"Yeon Harin, come on," I closed my eyes, trying to gather my courage. "It's now or never."
I pressed the button and put the phone next to my ear. It felt like forever when I waited for Yoseob to pick the call.
"Yoboseyo?"
He answered my call! I was really happy because I was scared that he would ignore my call... but he picked it up.
"Yoseob?" I muttered his name, biting my bottom lip nervously. "A-Are you busy?"
"No. Why?" he retorted shortly. My heart sank immediately because of his cold attitude but I couldn't give up now.
"I... I want to apologize. That night I was... I just...," I paused. Why couldn't I explain to him?! "There is nothing between me and Junhyung. Really."
"What kind of words do you want me to say?" his question made my heart to skip a beat due to shock. "Do you want me to forgive you? Don't worry. You do nothing wrong. It's me who loves you too much."
Without even I knew, my tears rolled down. I covered my mouth with my hand, hoping that I could control my tears but it's useless.
"You haven't moved on, Harin, and I wish I can blame you for that but I can't. Maybe you will never know how it feels when you look at someone you love and realize that the person thinks of someone else," Yoseob's voice started to waver. "You'll never know."
"Yoseob, I...," I was choked with my own words. I couldn't say another word because I started to sob uncontrollably.
"I'm sorry for making you cry, Harin," he whispered vividly. "I'm sorry for loving you."
I really didn't want to hear his last word before he ended the conversation. I really wished that it's just a dream and I would wake up to see his happy text message for me again.
But reality spoke different.
"Goodbye."
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