Kihyun sits nervously on the couch, drumming his fingers against his knees. Hoseok is beside him, fidgeting with the ends of the sleeves. He doesn’t quite know why he’s so nervous, since this meeting isn’t even for him, but he is. He has a feeling it could be due to the fact that the younger hadn’t said a single word to him since the previous day. Hoseok had woken him up and made sure he got ready for the appointment, but he hadn’t uttered a single syllable.

A tan woman with long, brunette locks comes in, a wide smile set on her oval face. Hoseok stands, returning the grin.

“Hoseok-ah,” the woman greets, setting her things down and opening her arms wide for a hug. Hoseok can’t help the growing smile at her warm welcome as he steps into the embrace.

“Thanks for making time for us on such short notice, Hyolyn-noona,” he says to her softly.

“Of course,” Hyolyn says, waving off the comment after they separate. She then glances over to Kihyun, offering the younger a gentle smile. She extends a welcoming hand to shake. He stares at it hesitantly for a moment, but eventually takes it. Her gaze lingers on him for a moment, as if studying him, before sitting down. She glances up at Hoseok, her bright smile unwavering. “Are you staying for the session?”

“I…” he murmurs, glancing over at Kihyun. The younger seems to silently refuse to meet his gaze, stubbornly resting his eyes on the coffee table in front of him. “I hadn’t planned on it,” Hoseok finally answers, pausing for a moment before adding, “Unless, Kihyun-ah wants me to…”

“Would that be okay?” Kihyun asks almost immediately, unwittingly setting the older’s nerves at ease.

“It’s your session,” Hyolyn answers with a shrug. “Whoever you want with you is more than welcome to join us. I want you to feel as comfortable as possible during your time here.”

Hoseok stands there, frozen in place. He awaits the word from Kihyun asking him to either stay or go. He wishes so desperately to be asked to stay, despite feeling that’d be the last thing that the younger would want right now. He wants to be there for his dear Kihyunnie, knowing that the next hour-and-a-half will be tough on him if he willingly participates in it.

He can remember his own first session with Hyolyn clearly, the copious tears that had flown from his eyes as she explained perfectly what exactly had brought on his bout of self-esteem issues. It had been something he had struggled with ever since childhood. They had eaten him up from the inside out, always telling him that he was never good enough, emotionally, mentally, or physically. However, after about three months of sessions, he had figured out just how to work passed it all.

“Hyung,” Kihyun says softly, pulling the older out of his thoughts, “would you stay, please?” He looks up finally at Hoseok, his gaze watery. Hoseok nods immediately, his heart trembling at seeing the younger so fragile, and retakes his seat at Kihyun’s side.

Hyolyn clears , opening her log book to a fresh page.

“Now,” she says, facing the two, “Hoseok’s message was vague last night when he asked for you to come see me. Do you mind telling me what happened that called for such an urgent meeting?”

“I…,” Kihyun says, biting his lower lip anxiously. He feels stupid admitting to having tried something like he had last night. She’d think that he’s a complete basket case... He feels the older’s hand reach over and squeeze his knee reassuringly, as if hearing his thoughts. He glances over at Hoseok, who only gives him a meek smile while nodding. He finds himself returning the grin, though he doesn’t know how he quite manages it. He then takes a deep breath, returning his gaze to the counselor.

“I tried to kill myself last night,” Kihyun admits, albeit in a low murmur. “Hyung found me and saved me.”

The counselor merely nods her head, beginning to scribble notes down in her book. Kihyun is surprised by her casual acceptance of such news, but realizes this must be something she hears a lot in her line of work.

“What caused you to attempt suicide?” she asks, making direct eye contact. Her fierce gaze gives Kihyun a slight shudder. He doesn’t know quite how to read her. She seems caring and competent enough, but her stare make him feel like she could slice his neck with that pen if she wanted to. He bites his tongue, unsure if having Hoseok stay with him was such a good idea. They had been through a lot in the past twelve hours together… What if this admittance is the breaking point?

“I,” he murmurs, struggling to find the right wording. He doesn’t want to spill all his guts out on the first visit, but he knows that if he’s to allow this woman to help him, she needs to know everything. And God, did he want help to end this once and for all. He takes a deep breath, steeling himself for how Hoseok could possibly react to finding out how crazy he is.

“I was trying to get it to stop,” Kihyun begins. He doesn’t know quite how to explain all this, having never done so to anyone before. “There’s this voice that I’ve always heard, dragging me down and telling me I’m worthless. Used to, I could ignore it, but it just got worse and worse. I thought I had finally gotten a handle on it, but I was wrong. That’s when I tried to kill myself.” Hyolyn nods thoughtfully, her pen never pausing in its scribbles as Kihyun tells his story for the first time.

“I never told anyone,” he says. He then turns to Hoseok, who’s watching him with surprised eyes, adding, “I didn’t even tell this to Hyunwoo.”

“And Hyunwoo is…?” Hyolyn prompts, wanting as many details as possible. Kihyun turns to answer, but feels the words clog up his throat on the way out. He clenches his fist on his knee, his failure of a relationship causing his heart to constrict.

“Hyunwoo-ya and Kihyun-ah were dating for about a year, officially,” Hoseok explains for him, recognizing immediately the younger’s struggle. “They were kind of on-again/off-again high school sweethearts, but they didn’t bother making it official until a year ago. They moved in together this year, but Hyunwoo-ya moved out yesterday.”

“And do you love him?”

Kihyun opens his mouth immediately to answer yes, he most certainly does love Hyunwoo, but his voice sticks in his throat. He frowns confusedly, patting his lips anxiously. He wants so much to affirm his feelings for the older, it being so sure that it’s truly how he feels for Hyunwoo.

Just say it, Kihyun tells himself. What’s so hard? You’ve said it before. He thinks back to all the times he and Hyunwoo exchanged such words of adoration and feeling with one another, all the nights spent just talking about how much they love one another…, and can’t think of a single time he’d answered the older’s profession. But, surely he had? It’s impossible that he wouldn’t have in all this time.

Although, if that’s true, then why is it so hard to say it now?

Hoseok glances over at the younger confusedly, wondering why he isn’t answering the counselor. Hyolyn merely nods, as if understanding the situation entirely. She writes down another note, and takes a deep breath before continuing.

“It’s alright if you don’t,” she tells him. “It doesn’t make you a bad person in any way. You should never feel like you have to love someone if you don’t.”

“But,” Kihyun begins, still not understanding what his problem is, “he… I…” Hyolyn merely gives him a gentle smile.

“We don’t have to dwell on that today,” she says. “Although I do think it’s something we should discuss something in a later session, I’d like to focus solely on this voice for today.” Kihyun sinks back against the couch, his straight posture giving way to the despair at his inability to answer the simple question from before. He gives a small nod, though, signifying that it’s okay with him if they continue. He glances over at Hoseok, whose befuddled gaze quickly breaks away at meeting Kihyun’s look of defeat. The older is clearly unable to meet the younger’s stare as Hyolyn prompts him to describe the voice.

Great, Kihyun thinks, I guess I’ve lost him, too, now.