Day 23- 38 February

I woke up from dream, my chest agitated and my body filled with sweat. My heart was beating frantically in my chest, too fast. It had never beaten so fast.
I was sitting with the sheets tangled in my body, it was like a nightmare I could not get rid of, a bad dream that began the moment I woke up.
I brought my fingers to my neck, feeling my throat swollen, I winced.
God no, please. No again. I can’t do it again.
It was dark in my room. There were shadows that passed and disappeared. I thought about calling Jimin, but I didn’t want to worry him, he would look at me with that silly face that only he knew how to put on, the expression he made was worse than all the "sorry" in the world.
I ran my fingers through my head, desperately pulling at the strands of my hair, wanting to scream and scream and never make a sound again. I was tearing, I forgot how to breathe for a moment.
No, not again.
I looked for my cell phone, I held it with my trembling fingers. There was only one person I could call.
Please answer.
I need you.
Please.
His voice cut off the third ring, his soft, sleepy voice soothed the panic in my eggs. “Taehyung?.”
"Speak to me, please," I whispered.
I heard the sheets move and their breath through the mobile line. Jungkook didn’t ask me what was wrong with me or if he was fine, he answered in a slow, sure voice. "What do you want me to say?"
“Whatever.”
He paused, clearing his throat, to continue speaking in his soft voice. "I can sing, okay?"
"Perfect." I lay on my side, pinning my pillow against my stomach as I watched the night through my window, you could see the moonlight.
"Settle down with me, cover me up. Cuddle me in ..."
he began slowly, his voice when he sang was almost like when he spoke, it was deep and low, slightly raspy.
"Lie down with me, hold me in your arms ...."
There was a shade of pink in my cheeks as he continued listening to the tone of his voice. I wanted to see him, to lie down beside him and hide my head in his neck without having to think about anything else. Listening to him through the cell phone in my hand was enough to calm my heartbeat.
It was like a lullaby. His breathing and mine could be heard every time he continued the verses and choirs with his sweet voice that gathered all the words.
He continued to sing gradually, lowering the tone of his voice, the last lines of the song disappearing as my eyes closed gradually.
 

_

I woke up to my alarm at 8 am, had two messages from Jungkook.
I took off my sheets, felt my hands shaking, my hair ruffled, let out a small sigh as I got up, walked to the window, I glanced at the street and then looked at my cell phone.

3:21 Jungkook
hope you're well.

3:23 Jungkook
Sleep well.

I ran my fingers through the small screen, delineating the messages with them over and over, until they were marked in my mind. I was not well and hadn’t been sleeping well either. I looked at my sheets, I was a little wet from my sweaty skin a few minutes ago. I adjusted the bed a little and cut myself again, wishing I could stand between the soft folds of the sheets and never move again. I wasn’t sure if I could sleep, I wanted to put a pillow in my head and not have to think about anything.
I thought about calling and saying I was sick, but it would be hypocritical of me. All my patients were permanently sick with cancer. Then I thought that perhaps he would soon be in the same situation, in the same situation as those who had their way near death.
I got up again and went to the bathroom, let out a long yawn. I managed to see my reflection. "Man, I'm not in the mood for this." I said lightly, apparently speaking to myself was something I was doing now.
I rubbed my eyes as I wished I could erase the bags and the purple color beneath my eyes.
For the moment I gave up, I went to the kitchen alone with my gray pants. Jimin had already gone to college, left me alone in the quiet apartment, had to prepare my own coffee while I had the urge to snuggle in myself and not have to move ever again.
I took my cell phone while small flashes of Jungkook passed through my mind. His bunny smile, that frosting on the tip of his nose. His long fingers, his hands. I wanted to see him again, to be by his side made everything a little better.

8:06 Taehyung
Thanks for worrying about me. ☺

I left my phone on the kitchen table as I walked uncoordinated, took off my pants and left them on a pile of clothes, headed back to the bat