Rooftop

Sungjae picks Ken off of the flat roof by pulling on his collars. The corner of his mouth, a soft spot is painted with pink bruises. “Why did you defame N? I thought you guys were friends.” He squeaks.

“It wasn’t me.” Ken chokes on his blood and saliva. This scene is an eerie deja vu.

“You were the only one who knows that he was a drag queen working in the dingy club,” says Sungjae, he can barely control his pitch. His larynx rises into a concerto, scraping Ken’s eardrum.

Out of Ken’s peripheral vision, the blurred city below his wobbly feet tilts sideway. “I wasn’t the only one who knew. The people worked there knew. You knew.”

Sungjae clenches his shirt tighter. “What are you trying to say? I would’ve told the press years ago if I wanted him dead. Aren’t you trying to save Scandal News? This is your big shot.”

“I did consider telling on him.” Oof. Another punch lands on his right cheek. “But I kept my mouth sealed. I care for him.”

“You care for Scandal News too,” says Sungjae. His eyes are still untrustful.

“I do.” Ken’s voice croaks, “even if it’s ty, it made the person I am today. I was a paparazzi who treated celebrities a little bit more like human than objects. That’s also why I quit my job.” He sneers.

Sungjae releases his wrinkled collar. “N should’ve never met you.”

Ken can only imagine how N’s worst nightmare only becomes darker the second time around. “I only wanted to help N. I wanted him to shine.”

The laugh comes low at first, then it gets louder.

Ken watches Sungjae walks off the with his head up. His maniac laugh meets no accomplice. The sound encircles above them like unrelenting, hungry crows.

Ken shuts his eyes to block out the haunting sound, and only opens them once more when he hears footsteps approaching.

“Ken hyung, please let me teach you some taekwondo.”

“I didn’t do it, Hyuk. Why would I? I love him.”

“Me too. I trust you, Ken hyung.” Hyuk’s warm hand encloses Ken’s tepid palm; he pulls him off the ground.

Parking Lot

The crunching leaves beneath his shoes shatter the suspense; it is the silence living in the urban nature before the crows come out to savage the stripped-bare bones.

“Drinking in public---it’s illegal in some countries,” says N. He nods over at the bottles of beers that Ravi gathers at his feet.

“This is Korea. We haven’t even started and you are drunk already. No one can see us here.”

Aside from the tires rolling on the roads, there are no one but the two rivals. N grabs a bottle and slumps by Ravi’s car. He pops it open. He raises it above his head. “Let’s get drunk tonight.”N gulps down all the liquid without Ravi. The word “let’s” loses its meaning.

Ravi gets another beer. He sips it slow. The drink should be getting warm, but it only getting colder in N’s palms. Ravi blows white air into the night sky; they form mist in front of N’s eyes. They are facing towards the bushes, shadow casted on Ravi’s profile. There’s no way to tell if Ravi is here to comfort him or makes things worse for him.

“What was your first drink like?” asks Ravi.

“It was at a friend’s house. This guy snuck in a few cans in his backpack under the books. He came into my room through the window, wearing a mask. I almost screamed.” N’s laugh turns to gurgles as he swallows the liquid. The drops drip on his elongated neck. “I threw him on the bed with one hand. And my dad didn’t even care when he caught us in the bed. ‘Don’t wake her up,’ that’s all he said.”

“Who’s with you again?”

N widens his eyes. How can he not know? “Jun and Taeseok. You were there too. Jun climbed the window. And then you guys sneaked in.”

“I don’t remember”

N scoffs. “You really like to pretend you were never there for me at all.”

“I didn’t pretend, it’s the truth.”

N takes another swig of his drink. “Last time I talked to them, they still remembered you puking all over my floor and fell asleep on it.”

Ravi cracks a small smile. “No. I didn’t.”

N throws crusty leaves at Ravi. “You so did.”

Ravi brushes them off of his black coat. They are going to stick between the fibres. N wonders how is he going to wash them off. He reaches out to swipe at them.

Ravi shudders. “How are Jun and Taeseok? Haven’t talked to them in years.”

“Jun is a banker now. He hates his job. Taeseok got married last year. He’s going to be a dad soon.” N grins. “Can you imagine him raising a kid? Wanna bet how many times he’s going to drop his baby?”

“One thousand times.”

“I don’t think so. He’s not as clumsy as before. He’s going to be a great dad.”

Ravi leans backward to his car. “He won’t get that much better. People don’t change that fast.”

“They didn’t change fast; you’re just slow.”

Ravi gulps down more of his beer.

“Don’t drink so fast, you have a weak stomach.”

Ravi wipes the droplets that escapes from his mouth. “You’re the weak one. I can’t believe Sungjae beat Ken up for something he didn’t do.”

“How did you know?”

“Because it was me. I ratted you out.” Ravi shoots him a side-glance. His droopy eyes tells all. It’s all over between N and Ravi.

N’s heartbeat drops dead. His hand freezes over the beer bottle. “How did you find out I was an ?” N doesn’t under understand why he suddenly get defensive over his past. He is proud his persona.

“By accident,” Ravi says, “I was looking for Ken’s baby photo to give it to his grandma.” Ravi takes another swig. “I never got the chance to meet her.”

N vaguely knows that he grips the bottleneck too tightly. Veins pop to his forearms. “Why did you to tell everyone?”

“I’m making things the way it was supposed to be two years ago. You should’ve owned up to your actions, not running away like a coward after beating up someone.”

N raises the empty bottle over his head and it comes down in a clank. Ravi shields himself as it shatters to pieces against the pavement next to him. He brushes some shards off his pants. “That’s the kind of attitude that got you into . I thought you knew by now.”

“I don’t know . I don’t get you, Kim Wonshik. You’re not God. This is not a damned story that you write; this is my life.”

“This is my life too. I want our lives to cross. I have a choice too.”

“I don’t get why you made that choice.”

Ravi staggers onto his feet. “It’s not that complicated. I want us to be on equal ground again.”

“You sick bastard.” N picks up the broken half of the bottle, gripping it, he comes near Ravi.

Ravi smirks. “Go ahead.  Stab me through my heart. If you think that’s fair game.”

“None of this is a ing game, Ravi.”

“I don’t treat this like a game either. I’m serious about what I do. And I don’t regret it.”

N drops the broken part to the ground. It is jarring. It reminds him where he is right now, facing a man he thought he knows well. His palm splits open and bleeds.

Park

The sun is shining down on Leo blessing him; the sweats are the proof that he is living and breathing. On the way to Twosome Cafe, he follows the winded paths beneath the quilted green leaves. He will not be able to feel anything until he has his first-cup of coffee. The coins jingle in his pocket, ready to find home in the cashier. The puppies that stroll past by him send some electricity coursing through his body. He smiles at the fluffy animals, avoiding eye contacts with the owner. His smile spreads further when he imagines Hongbin next to him, growing stiff at the sight of the small dogs. He’s been having a canine-phobia ever since Poki bit his finger. “My finger wouldn’t be a finger if I didn’t pull back fast enough,” said Hongbin. Leo laughed at him, telling him you shouldn’t be pulling back at all if you want to keep your precious finger. Poor Poki. He almost swallowed the ring that Leo had given him.

He strolls past the old man lying on the bench under the frying sun. His white beaten tank top rides up to his chest, revealing the grimy stomach bulging a baby bump under his gray skin. A plastic ramen bowl sits under the bench. His half-open eyelids tracks Leo lazily. A sheen of sweat covers his face.

Leo reaches for his coins in his pocket. He bends a bit and let the coin slides to the bowl. They slide to their detour. There’s no “thank you”. Leo can’t help but feeling a little bit disappointed. I’m doing good things. Are you watching, Hongbin?

Once on a date, they walked past Hongdae to shop for Ken’s birthday gift, Hongbin gave a dollar to a homeless man. When they turned around the corner, they encountered another one, he surprised Leo by putting a coin in his also. By the third person, Leo had to ask “why?” “I’m being fair,” said Hongbin.

Leo rubbed Hongbin’s head then, a gesture that he’d do to a child. He told him that he’s a rare gentleman. Hongbin looked at him like he’s crazy.

“Hi.” A young girl stops in his track and asks for his attention. “Will you please take this flyer for me?”

Doing good is contagious; the girl must have saw him giving up his coffee money to a stranger. Leo stuffs the flyer promoting the Vow of Silence in his pocket. It is a campaign trying to raise money to build an elementary school in a village. He will throw it out later.

He swipes on his phone. He texts Hyuk: “Vow of Silence. Start now.”

Hyuk’s reply is quick: “Okay, hyung.” He ends it with a cheerful smiley face.

Leo reaches into his other pocket for his earphones. He stuffs the earphone into his ears. The world falls off of his feet as soon as Ravel’s composition replaces the boiling world that grills him alive. He remembers the shocked expression that Hongbin made once he found out that Leo listened to music; and that he actually enjoyed and praised the musicians. “You like doing anything fun?” Leo had to hit his head. Leo doesn’t mind plunging into the quietness once in awhile. It’s his choice to shut his mouth. He learned to live with the silence around him. He has to live alone if he has to.

Leo hasn’t run too far though. When he hits his three miles mark in front of the traffic light, the music and his inner world are rudely interrupted by the buzzing of his phone. “Taekwoon,” his mother says, “you’re having lunch with me at twelve sharp.” He hears the quiet on the other side. “I want you to meet someone.”

Is that also suppose to be fun in Hongbin’s category? Leo keeps his vow and turns off his phone.

Restaurant

“I thought you weren’t coming,” Leo’s mother says.

Leo brushes past her and steps into the effortlessly comfy restaurant overlooking the resting harbour. A plump seagull trots along the deck, looking forward the long day to end. The only people who would feel uncomfortable would be the people who are too deprived of privilege to enter, or people who are here for business purposes.

Leo slides into one of the white benches lined with embroidered cushions across from her. Even though there is another woman waiting by herself by the window, he knows that he greets the right one. She’s not the prettier one but her diamond watch catches the light from the sunshine. It has to be her.

“You’re Jung Taekwoon-sshi?” she asks.

Leo nods.

She smiles. “I’m Xie Ning.” She pushes the menu towards him. “The fish tacos are all local.”

Leo shakes his head. He sips on his cold water.

Xie Ning hums. “Have some wine.” She pours the sour-smelling wine into an empty glass.

It’s too early for wine. Leo waves his hand. It’s too early to marry her.

“We can go skating after.” Her expression darkens. “Are you mute?”

Leo shakes his head.

“What’s wrong?”

Leo mouths two words to her. Xie Ning jumps from her seat. “You don’t even know me. You’re wasting my time.” She walks away without a goodbye. She is already speaking to her headpiece about rescheduling a lunch meeting with her real estate client. She’s too busy to spare another glance at Leo. Rather, Leo is already being forgotten.

Mrs. Jung marches over in her high heels. “What happened?”

Leo types on his phone before showing the screen to her: “I told her that ‘I’m gay.’”

“Don’t joke around like this. It’s not funny. They will think it’s true. What kind of girl you like? We’ll make it work for you.”

Leo shrugs. the screen flashes: “Someone like you, beautiful but stern. I need to be disciplined.”

“You’re playing that stupid game again.” Her palm comes down hard on the table, it sounds like a slap across Leo’s placid face. It disrupts the artificial utopia that is contained in the restaurant. “Talk to me.”

I talked, but you didn’t listen.

Conference

“N Confesses His Sins: Is This the End For the Ballad Singer?” Hyuk stares at the title that he just typed on his word document. He is not suppose to be sitting with the panels amongst the paparazzis, but somehow, he needs to keep his Ken hyung company. Neither of them are suppose to on the floor, but they need to see how it will all end.

Hyuk glances over at Ken. He is fidgeting with his phone, cracking a smile over a funny video on his dashboard. His hand reaches over and clasps his wrist in a light hold. Ken looks up at him, and his smile dissipates. “Look at this one,” says Ken. On the screen, Hyuk watches the zoo pandas slipping off the slides one after another, crashing into each other’s soft fur, then they climb up the stairs to do it all over again.

“It’s a slippery slope,” says Hyuk.

As if what he said killed whatever joyous mood that Ken pretends to be in, he puts his phone away. “What do you want to eat after this? Gopchang?”

Hyuk nods. Ken is calmer now than the last conference that N held nearly three years ago, though his appearance is peeling off like a weathered wall, and Hyuk is that fly on the wall.

“Do you think N will eat with us?-” asks Ken. The mentioning of N halts his speech. He doesn’t speak to Hyuk anymore.

The commotion of reporters around Hyuk grabbing their cameras signals that the tragic character of the gong show has walked out from the waiting room and onto the stage, into the galley. The wood creaking underneath N sounds like the plank that the traitorous sailor walks upon. Hyuk is holding his breath. Ken takes a half-hearted picture of N wearing a black suit before putting it down.

N bows to all sides. The deja vu of the few years branded deeply in Hyuk’s brain. It is one of the most unforgettable moments in his short life. N’s serene look was far from the regretful look at the last conference. This time, he truly looks like a dying man awaiting his fate.

The crowd beneath is even more merciless than last time. They transforms from annoying hyenas to crocodiles stretching their jaws wide, ready to bite into a flesh of the former star. Cursing words for the “gays”, “liars”, “fake” course through the spectators. N is never a fake. He is just being himself.

Hyuk tries to meet eyes with Ken, but he looks away. His profile is saying “don’t ask me. I don’t know anything.”

N settles down in his seat. His head bends over a little when he utters the intractable words. “I understand that I lost the position to apologize, so I won’t.”

Hyuk’s gaze fleets to Ken, but Ken still looks down at his hands. Hyuk wants to shake him and yells at him, “Did you hear what that is saying? Does he know that his life is ruined the moment that the pictures and accounts of being a drag queen leaked out? This so gay.” Hyuk forces himself to look back at N again.

He has that same old expression of being defeated, despite that his words are full of thorns and contempt. “I admit that I do like men only. I lied about it last time after I was charged with the assault case. I was never ashamed of it. I realized now that it was not right of me to hide who I am and brush everything under the rug, pretended nothing happened.”

The room around Hyuk spins. Take your words back. Now he wants to scream at N instead. You idiot. Why do you want to ruin yourself? You just have to stay low and hushed your lips. No one will have to know what happened ever. You would have still be my brightest star in the universe. His phone suddenly vibrates in Hyuk’s jacket. Millions of notifications denouncing N’s uality are about to burst through its metal cage.

“There is one person I want to take the time to apologize though,” says N. “I’m sorry to my dear friend whom I betrayed a long time ago. I’m sorry that I shut you out when you desperately wanted to support my dream. I’m sorry that I couldn’t consult you about my coming-out to the public either.” N in a breath. “But I hope we can start fresh and be there for each other in the future.”

Hands and claws shoot up in the air all at once. Those questions are like scavenger birds feasting on an already-dead corpse. “Is he your boyfriend?”; “Aren’t you sorry towards your fans?” Someone may have even mutter: “go to Hell.”

Hyuk walks away from a show that means nothing to most people. He doesn’t check this time if N is watching him go.

A/N:

Dun dun dun...after a long-time away, I decided just to write out of the dramas that are going down... What is going to happen to N now? :/ Why is Ravi so being so terrible? :( Ugh.

Please let me know your thoughts in the comments section; I'd appreciate them! Leave a upvote or subscribe if you are still along this ride. Love y'all! ;)

Your dreamer,

suzyelf

P.S. I finally met VIXX after almost 4 years of waiting. T.T I can finally be in peace. :')