Grandma's

Ken knocks on the door. His grandma is serene like the marble statue found in Hongbin’s studio. The slanting sunlight penetrates through the white-lace curtain shines on her crown making her hair like the milky way. She grips onto the crane shapes like a swan head. The sunglasses hide her faded eyes. She sweeps the floor in front of her with the stick.

Ken whispers to Hyuk’s ear. “She can’t see.”

“Jaehwannie?” his grandma says.

Ken comes forward to take her hands. “Hi, grandma. How are you?”

Grandma wraps her wrinkly hand on top of his. “I’m happy, Jaehwannie. You got away from your dad, huh?” When no voice replies her, she asks, “Who’s with you?”

Hyuk coughs and clears his throat. His voice is breathy as he introduces himself: “Hi, Grandma.” His tune is elevated and trills. He sounded like a soprano in a choir made up of young girls.

Grandma frowns. She pokes Hyuk’s feet gently with her stick. “Is your friend sick? He sounds like a girl.”

Ken explodes in laughters. Hyuk hits him with the present. His face is burning like wide fire.

“What did you buy me, Jaehwannie?” asks his grandma.

Hyuk gives the present in her hands. She puts the present next to her ear. She shakes it to listens it closely. “Jewellry?” She rips open the paper. She slides her fingers over to the opening of the velvet box. She snaps it opens. The sensitive fingers pad over the soft metal that are bumpy with print. She follows the scales and curve and lands on the tail. She murmurs appreciation to the dragon and the wings of a phoenix.

“Do you like it?” asks Ken.

Grandma nods along. “It’s beautiful. Your girlfriend will like something like this.”

Ken keeps quiet, save for his breathing.

“His girlfriend won’t like it,” says Hyuk hurriedly. “The style is so old. She probably likes some bling bling and Hello Kitty-” He gasps as Ken knocks the wind out of his stomach.

“It’s not old.” Ken glares at Hyuk. “It’s elegant for my grandma. And I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“You never had a girlfriend,” says grandma. She lowers the pretty bracelet in her laps. Though she is blind, Ken still feels like she is staring down at him.

“Sorry, grandma.” His words trail off, so the breaking of his voice would not be obvious.

His grandma reaches skyward. Ken leans in and offers his shoulder. “Jaehwan, I will be so happy to know that you’re with someone who loves you before I die.”

“Don’t say things like this,” says Ken. He hates that word. It’s an approaching truth, and it is also a threat, an accusation. How dare you to be out of line? If you love me, you would listen to your family. Shameful. Shameful. Shameful. “Grandma.” Ken speaks louder than before, overpowering the voice in his head.  “I already have someone who loves me. I’m happy with him.” Good thing she is blind. She can’t see how ugly Ken looks.

“Who are you talking about?” She raises her voice. She stabs the wooden floor repeatedly with her cane. “Who is it?”

“I love him, grandma,” says Hyuk. He wouldn’t look at him. “I really, really, love Ken hyung.”

Grandma levels her cane at his chest. Ken blocks the tip with his palm. Clack. The cane comes down on his defensive hand. A strip of red burning and pulsing under his skin reminds him of his place.

“He’s talking to me. Don’t interrupt us.” Grandma takes a breath in between like a swimmer coming out of the water. “You love him. What can you give him? You can’t give him any children.”

“It’s not what I can give; we need each other. He takes care of me every time I don’t know what to do. And I listen to all the troubles. We are brave enough to be here to be judged by his most respected elder.” Hyuk snakes his fingers in Ken’s. “Ken hyung has been hiding from the people he cares about for too long. He wants to see and loves him as your grandson.”

“I’m blind, but I can still see.” Grandma hits the floor with her cane. “Do you really love him, Jaehwan?”

Ken stares back at the younger one. His eyes shift back and forth, clearly nervous about his answer. His heart pounds on his chest. The whole world waits for his answer.

“Yes. I do. I love him, grandma,” says Hyuk.

Grandma shoves the bracelet back in his hand. “I don’t want it anymore.”

“Grandma…”

She clasps her hands in front of her. She can’t see, so she can pretend that tears aren’t streaking down on Ken’s face. He places the bracelet back to the box. “Happy birthday, grandma.

“Thank you.”

The way he slithered past him, blushing. It was cute. It was rare that something Hyuk did for Ken would resonate deeply in his heart and makes him think of him just a little bit more, like replaying the scene with his grandma again and again in his head. Did he miss his jittery fingers tapping against his straightest dress pants as he proclaimed that he loves him? Did he miss his forced brave smile which his grandma will never be able to see? Did he forget that Ken isn't blind?

“Jaehwan.” A hand pulls Ken from himself and takes him to the corner of a hallway. The devil breathes venomous words through his ear canals, bouncing off stingingly in his head. “Why didn’t you wait for me?”

Ken flings off Ravi’s hand. “Why did you make me wait? You should’ve been the one meeting my grandma, not Hyukkie.”

“‘Hyukkie.’” He spits out that word like he is cursing. “I thought you like me.”

Blood rushes towards his head and he will beat him to death. Ken takes a deep breath. “I do. But you always let me down. Did you find Hongbin?”

Ravi nods. “Thank you, Jaehwan. I’m sorry.”

Seeing Ravi drooping over, looking like a kicked stray dog, wakes up something inside Ken. “I’m sick of being your second, third, fourth priority. You never changed.”

Ravi looks pained without Ken punching him. Of course he has nothing to retort, because Ken spoke the truth.

All Ravi can say is “sorry, Jaehwan” over and over again, but Ken heard enough.

“I will change for you. I promise.”

“And I promise I will be out of your sight. I will not look back on us.”

Ken is sick of his promises.

“Boo.” 

Ken jumps on the porch. Under the burning orange light, Hyuk resembles a spirit. “Did you eat yet? I was looking for you all over in the kitchen.” 

“Just the kitchen?” Ken pats Hyuk’s full belly. “When's your due date?” 

Hyuk flinches away from him. His cheeks turn to red apples. 

Ken fishes out the box out of his pants pocket. He shoves the box in his hand. “Thanks for coming with me tonight.” 

“No problem,” says Hyuk. He pushes the box back to him. 

Ken takes back the box. He opens it up and wraps it around Hyuk’s wrist. 

“It's not my style, hyung.” 

“But it's expensive.” 

Hyuk tries to wrestle it out of his thick wrist. The bracelet is so damned small. “Grandma wants you to give it to your girlfriend. You can give it to someone you like.” 

Ken wraps his fingers around his stripped red wrist. “Keep it for me. I don't have anyone I like.” 

“Fine. The bracelet is mine; I can give it to the person I like.” Hyuk yanks at it. “Help me out, hyung.” 

Gently, Ken twists it out of his wrist. Hyuk slips it around Ken’s wrist instead. “No returning policy,” says Hyuk. 

Ken puts it under the light. The dragon hugs the phoenix tight to its chest, though the phoenix is a fragile porcelain instead of a majestic beast. The dragon is dauntless against the burning flame. How romantic it is that they burn together. Ken scratches on the bracelet that is becoming a manacle. He hates it around the wrist. 

Hyuk places his hand on top of his bracelet. “Don’t take it off. It’s my gift to you.” He smiles brilliantly. 

The burning flames recede, leaving a trace of warm dullness. This bracelet is from Hyuk to Ken now. The beasts are kinder, less frightening. 

 

Thirty-Sixth Floor

“How did you find me?”

The piece of paper trembles in Leo’s hand. “The hotel bill you threw out leads me here.” He steadies himself before prancing over to the double bed against the wide glass that displays the evening city. The sky is dyed with indigo blue. The colour mixes with the fluttering curtains.

Hongbin is small in the piles of blankets and pillows, despite the fact that he is nearly six feet tall. Leo sinks into the bed next to him. He Hongbin’s hollowed cheeks. Hongbin turns away from him.

Leo brushes over the charcoal drawings that are strewn across the bed. He barely recognizes himself in those dark red and black thick lines. He always fails to find himself in Hongbin’s drawings.

This is not me. This is not me. This is not me.

Leo crumbles his face in his fist.

“The Midnight Angel found me,” says Hongbin.

Leo hurls the drawing across the polished floor. He hears blood roaring in his ears. He is shaking too much to speak.

Hongbin turns back to him. “Why are you mad at me? You’re the bad guy here.”

“What do you mean?”

“The Midnight Angel found me.”

“Who the is ‘the Midnight Angel’?” Something burns behind his eyes. Leo has no time for Hongbin’s mind game.

“Bang Minah.”

“What about her?”

“Bang Minah, Bang Seongi, and me. We are all so beautiful. But we are ruined by the evils.”

Leo laughs out loud. He creeps onto Hongbin’s bed, soundless like a feline going to attack his owner in his sleep. He grasps onto Hongbin’s shoulder. “Don’t act like you’re all innocent, Hongbin.” He presses down his voice. “No one is.”

“There were children living in an old forest.” Hongbin stares up at the ceiling. “They lived all their lives there. Summer and daytime live there all day long. All they did were pretend-plays. They could be pirates. They could be medieval knights. They could be kings. They could be Alexander the Great. All they needed were branches as their swords.

“But one of them decided to leave.” Hongbin’s whole body shudders with a sigh. “They started to leave one by one. And a boy tried to keep everyone in the beautiful forest. No one listened to him. They didn’t think as one, act as one anymore. The children had their own minds now. They didn’t want to be pretend-knights anymore; they wanted to be the real deal. The boy left behind watched the trees wither.” Hongbin weeps. His hiccups echo in the hollowness. A corner of his mouth lifts. Hongbin’s smile is genuine. He can light up the gloomy room with his dimples if he wants.

“But here’s the catch: no one actually left the forest. All they did was getting lost. And they lost each other.

“The last boy remained at the forest never ever wanted to leave. But the evils still got him anyway. It’s not fair.”

“Everything is unfair,” says Leo. His fingers dig into his bone. “There’s no utopia.”

“I got it now.” Hongbin curls into his blanket, making himself smaller, looking like the boy from the forest. Hongbin in a deep breath, composing himself. “Let’s break up.”

Leo draws an instant blank. Just a few seconds ago he was hearing a nonsensical story, now his senses get even muddier. “I’m not evil.”

“You knew about me being friends with Seongi. And Seongi is Minah’s sister. That’s why you came back to me that night you were drunk.”

“I can get rid of Minah without dating you. Why would I put up with someone I don’t like?”

“You did it to Sojin.”

“So I’m the useless bastard that sleeps with anyone to get what he wants.”

Hongbin doesn’t say anything.

“Alright. I guess I am. I fit the description oh-so-perfectly.” Leo sighs. He looks out to the window over Hongbin’s head. All the strength seeps out of his tired muscles, so he can’t possibly beat Hongbin up. “I don’t want to leave you, Hongbin. I like you too much, even though you’re crazy and making no sense all the time, but I like you.” Leo in a deep breath. “Please don’t make me leave.”

Hongbin throws all of his drawings at him. Paper rains down on Leo one by one. His charcoal face, the perfect Taekwoon, shatters in front of his eyes in pieces.

“Look at you, Leo. Look how ugly you are. Why did you hurt Minah? Did you have to use her dream against her? There’s more precious things out there than your stupid ambition. Why are you making everyone hate you?”

Leo avoids seeing how he looks in his “portraits”. He says on top of his lung, “She’s still not getting the punishment she deserves. She’s still around because of her father. They always know that I’m better than her and everyone else and I deserve the spot I’ve worked for years.” The veins are popping in his neck from over-exertion. “You’re right. I am evil. I’ve been hiding that side of me away from you because I want to be the perfect guy you want me to be. I love you, Hongbin.”

Hongbin grabs a handful of blanket and cries into it. “It’s not about me, it’s you. There’s always someone else who’s going to have more advantages over you. Someone's always going to be in your way. How many more people are you going to hurt? How much more do you want for yourself? What are you going to do to me now that I’m useless?”

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

Hongbin slumps against his bed. He brushes through the pile of the drawings, before he picks out the drawing that he looked for. “Take this as a goodbye gift.”

Through the blur, Leo makes out his face outlined by pink and light orange charcoal. His posture is upright behind the wide curve desk. It is exactly how he looks like on TV in front of the camera. His face is stoic. Facts spew out of his lips. Those facts always give him comfort. And thrills. There’s nothing more difficult than preserves facts as they are----something that Hongbin doesn’t bother to do. This picture is more real than Leo himself. His fingers crumble the corner. He will never like Hongbin’s drawings. “This is not me. You at drawing me.”

“I wish this is you at some point of your life. You look happy.”

I’m happy with you too.

“He loves you, Hongbin.”

Hongbin glances at N whose towering over him. He laughs. “Love? You heard us. He’s using me to destroy Minah.”

“You don’t know that. You were just guessing.”

"Minah told me how he and Elly teamed up against her.”

“You should quit being an artist and be a scriptwriter. I don’t see why he needs to be with you to get what he wants. You make things harder for him.”

Hongbin twirls the fold of his blankets. “Why do you think that...he loves me?”

“He didn’t look depressed when we broke up.”

“He’s a good actor. That’s how he got into Sojin’s pants.”

“Sojin let him. He isn’t a great actor. When you broke up with him, it looked like the world was over for him. He didn’t bother hiding how he felt from the moment he walked in. I haven’t seen so many emotion from him at once. I’m jealous, Hongbin.”

“He’s stressed out. It didn’t have anything to do with me.”

“He’s stressed out because of you. We couldn’t find you for two days. You freaked us all out.”

“I made up my mind.”

"You’ll change your mind.” N lies half of his body next to him. He takes Hongbin’s left palm and holds him loosely. He holds his hand long after he thinks that Hongbin fell asleep. “Who was the first boy that left?” asks N.

“You.”

A/N: Hope you guys are enjoying the hot summer. I hope Hongbin is really working out his issues and also with Leo too, not just by himself.  T.T '

And Ken deserves the best, don't you think so?

Comment,upvote, subscribe, I'd appreciate the motivation

Your dreamer,
suzyelf

Q's: If I'm not writing depressing story, what should I write for the summer?