Daejeon

The rowdy company crowds in the grill restaurant. The steam of meat and beer and soju bottles passing around Hyuk like a smoke screen. Hyuk fills his glass full to the brim. He drains it fast. He pours another glass. He sits in the corner of the table with his co-workers. No one is going to notice him anyway. He drinks another shot. He peers past the shoulders and spots Ken at another long table. His hyung is grinning. He opens and closes his palms, playing a game with Ravi. Ken seems to be losing. Ravi taps Ken’s cheek. Hyuk stands up. But Ken and Ravi are smiling at each other. Hyuk slowly eases back into his seat. He doesn’t care that people look at him weirdly. No one likes him except for his Ken hyung. Hyuk tilts his bottle towards his glass.

If Hyuk isn’t so focus in his self-pity, he would have noticed that his table hushes a little bit.

“You drank so much already. Eat something.” N nods towards his clean bowl.

Hyuk feels light-headed. He can hear people whispering about the given attention that Hyuk doesn’t deserve. He looks around for an unused glass for N. He gives him a full cup.

N smiles at him gracefully. He takes the shot while Hyuk fidgets with his fingers. This will probably the first and last time that he will drink with N. He probably heard about the broken camera, the failed flyer, the tea-stained white t-shirt, and the lost USB. He would tell Hyuk that he at running errands and he should go back to writing trash. That’s the only thing he knows anyway.

“Han Sanghyuk.”

Hyuk jumps.

N seems to be amused. “Are you going to stand up again?” Hyuk blushes. “How’s work?”

N is going to fire him.

“You don’t like your work? I can tell Sungjae-”

Bam. “I’m sorry, N.” Hyuk slams his head on the table. “I won’t break your camera again. Please don’t fire me.”

N drinks his beer. He doesn’t say much except for: “Han Sanghyuk.”

Hyuk stiffens all over. “Yes, sir.” His head still sticks to the table.

“Do you really like what you’re doing?”

Hyuk lifts his head. “Yes, sir. I like to help you.”

“You aren’t really helpful.”

Hyuk’s heart grows cold. This is really happening.

“When I had my first job at a grocery store. I was fired because the money in the cashier was all gone.”

Hyuk gulps. At least he didn’t lose any money.

Did he?

“I didn’t steal them, but I forgot to lock it up. I deserve to be fired.”

Me, too, N. Me, too.

“But I won’t fire you. I learned from my mistakes.” He squeezes Hyuk’s shoulder. “You’re smart enough to figure things out. The fact that you were breaking stuff means that you were actually doing things.”

What kind of flipped logic was that? Hyuk has to laugh. He puts more alcohol in N’s glass. “I’m sorry, N. I will do better.” He bows his head before draining the glass empty.

Then Hyuk starts telling N the time when Sungjae had his first job. He splashed wine at a customer because that bastard was cheating on his sister. They bend over laughing at Sungjae’s stupid heroism. Someone saunders over in the midst of laughter. “What’s so funny?” Ken asks.

“Have you seen Ken hyung in a lime green wig?” Hyuk asks N. “He looks like a dried up plankton.”

“I’ve seen him wear prettier wig,” says N. Did Hyuk imagine N winking? “And hot red heels.”

Ken reaches across Hyuk to hit N. “Go home. You’re drunk.”

“He looks even prettier in bed.”

Hyuk spits out his drink. Some of his saliva and soju land on the grill. They sizzle.

N slaps his thighs, killing himself over his own inside joke. Ken looks horrified. He’s about to shout but Ravi already beats him to it.

“Apologize,” says Ravi in gritted teeth. He’s on his feet, going up against Mr. Park. Hyuk recognizes him as the art director. He saw him on set all the time to arrange props or any interior designs if they have indoor shootings. He does anything to make the film artistically pleasing and productive.

“Are you ing that ? Is that why you waited for two years?” Mr. Park spits at his shoes. “We all know it. You’re disgusting.”

Hyuk peers first at N and then Ken. N looks calm in the situation, as if he’s heard worse name being called before. Meanwhile, Ken isn’t quite looking anywhere. His expression is blank.

Everyone hops on to their feet at one as Ravi throws Mr. Park to the ground. Hyuk cannot see if Ravi succeed in throwing punches at him because the crew members rush forward to grab Ravi. Hyuk would have run over there too, but N’s leaving stops him. Ken stalks towards the gathering circle. N actually did not leave. People scream as ice-cold water splash onto them too. The circle disperses. Ravi and Mr. Park are dripping wet.

“You all need to go to the army or grow some brains.” N throws the bucket down before getting out of the door.

Someone spins N around. He comes face-to-face with Ravi. He shrugs off his grasp. “You get why I couldn’t like you back? That would have happened. We couldn’t have survived people attacking us when we were little kids.”

“We aren’t kids anymore,” says Ravi. He is beseeching, asking more than N can ever give him.

N can’t breathe against Ravi’s emminent presence. “You punched him in front of everyone. That’s very mature of you.”

“Was that what you had to go through in the army? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“No point telling you if you couldn’t do anything.” N straightens his back. “I can stand up for myself. You didn’t have to get into a fight for me.”

Ravi shoves him. “What if I want to fight for you, huh? What can you do about it?”

“Why are you keep bothering me? Should’ve left me alone when I rejected your stupid script,” says N in a pitch so uncontrollably loud that the passersby slow their paces to stare.

“It’s not stupid. It’s my life.” Ravi shouts those words. Neither of them seems to care who’s gawking at them in this sleepy night.

N shakes his head, as if he doesn’t care about how important Lost Land is to him. “I don’t want to live like anyone. I don’t want to have anything to do with your life. I don’t want to know what happened to you when I weren’t there.”

Ravi digs his nails into N’s shoulders, bruising his flesh. “This is your second chance. You can be there for me. This is the best thing we have other than turning back time.”

“What about my future?” asks N. “I don’t want you to be there.”

Ravi finally loosens his fists. His hands fall to his sides. “Why not?”

“Because you’re still the same old Kim Wonshik. I’m scared, Ravi. I’m so damned scared.”

The River

N wanders around in the hometown that he knows so well. The shooting ended early in the afternoon today. He wrapped up the scene when Wonshik left home for the first time to Seoul after he was accepted to a film school. His friends Jongin, Taemin, and Hyuk cheered him on through all-nighters. Wonshik left home carrying an entire hometown’s hope and dream bestowed on his skinny shoulders. Even though N disapproves Wonshik’s tactic that pushes him along on this journey of searching their memories, N still bursted into tears when Wonshik boarded the bus for Seoul.

N was thinking about himself at first. He thought about how lonely he was going after his dreams. His parents were reluctant to support him. Most of his friends never knew why he left. But then his character Wonshik took over. A small smile appeared. They were suppose to be happy tears. Wonshik was going to find his independence. He was going to show the world how much talent was on his fingertips. He was going to show the person who had abandoned him that he could be successful all by himself. He did not need his other half to complete him. Even after the director called cut, the tears never ceased.

Still, N wiped his tears and held his head high. He dodged inside his trailer for awhile without speaking to any of the actors nor the staff. He wanted to hide from the questioning, judging glares from some of them. The gossip is already spread far and wide since yesterday’s night. They believe that N slept his way to get this main role. N needs to breathe in a place where he’s from.

N now walks past the strips of stores that made up his route from school to home. His family moved out of this town a long time ago. N would have no one else to visit except for Ravi if he is still living here. N ducks behind his upturned collar. He promenades to the sidewalk above the river. He spots a familiar figure perching on the boulders outside of the railing. N is going to walk past him once he realized who’s fishing, unfortunately, he spots N. Ravi waves him over.

N sighs. He crosses over the barrier. He takes Ravi’s hand as he steps down to where he is. Ravi is not alone; an old man next to him smiles at N.

“Meet Mr. Park, our math teacher,” says Ravi.

“I know who he is,” N says. “Hi, Mr. Park.” He smiles politely and bows his head.

Mr. Park only smiles. N suspects that the old man has already forgotten who he is. “I heard you bought a boat?” asks N.

“I sold it. I’m leaving my money for my kids,” answers Mr. Park.

Something pulls on N’s heartstring. When he is about to scream at the unfairness of life, Mr. Park says, “Kids will always be kids; they make me worry a lot even after they grew up.” The smile remains on his face. It seems that Mr. Park doesn’t miss his boat at all. N can imagine that he used up part of his life-time saving on it. “I can still fish whenever I want.” He pats his fishing pole, as if telling N that he’s living just fine.

“Mr. Park, do you remember who he is?” Ravi asks the question while pointing at N.

Mr. Park laughs. His laugh is thick like a cello. “If I remember you, then I remember Hakyeon. And Sungjae. You guys were the troublemakers.” He tsks. “That’s why I quit my job.” He laughs again. He slaps Ravi’s shoulders. “Looks like I was wrong about you. You didn’t join the gang. You guys are doing good for yourselves. I saw your film crew yesterday.” Mr. Park smiles proudly.

“You didn’t say ‘hi.’” N pouts.

“Why would I? I’m just an old man from the past.

“I let my kids be.”

“But you still care about them a lot,” N says with an urgentness in his voice.

Mr. Park says nothing, but he pats N’s back regardless. He reels in the string and points at a bucketful of fish. Ravi takes the hint and carries it for him. “Let’s go home, kids. I’m making mackerels on rice tonight.” He gives them a yellowish, toothy grin.

N leans against the peeling door frame to the kitchen. His eyes are like the waning moons, watching the bigger man struggles against tiny fishes.

Ravi slams the butcher knife on top of the writhing mackerel. He yelps when the juice squirts on his face.

N laughs out loud. This is a side of Ravi that he’s never seen before. He doesn’t remember either of them ever worked in a kitchen before. Mr. Park, like a good teacher that he once was, never misses an opportunity for his students to learn some life skills.

He steps up behind Ravi. He places his hand firmly on Ravi’s waist. His eyes can barely peek over Ravi’s shoulders. “Let me do it,” N says next to his ear.

Ravi elbows him a little. “Let me be. I already prepared half of the fish.”

N grins as he glances over the pile of disgusting pulp. Poor fish were being beat up by amateur instead of being gutted out properly. N’s hand slides onto Ravi’s lightly before take the knife from him. He nudges Ravi aside so he can get to the fish head. He runs his blade through the gills smoothly and swiftly and chops the head off in no time. He slides it the body open in one quick motion, being committed like a sushi chef trying to present the freshest seafood.

Ravi claps slowly. “Wow. I didn’t know that cooking is a part of your training to be a kpop star.”

N smiles. “Nope, but leaving home does,” he says lightly. He turns on the stove to heat up the pan for the fillets.

Ravi chuckles. “Pan-fried mackerels? That’s not fancy at all.”

N hits his chest. “Shut up, as if you can do better.”

Ravi tsks. “Don’t be so cocky. I was about to do a deep fry.”

N bends forward, laughing until he wheezes. His laughs infect Ravi too. Still, Ravi defends his recipe, saying that who doesn’t like deep-fried foods?

“OK. You won,” says N. He adds a spoonful of oil in the pan before dropping the fish into the pan.

They stay quiet and listen to the fish sizzles and turn into a golden fillets.

“I’m sorry for the other night at the restaurant,” N says.

Ravi his eyebrows. “You feel like apologizing now, that’s rare.”

N tries to ignore his sarcasm. “Didn’t you pay attention what Mr. Park said to us? He’s really cool for letting his kids go but keeping them close at the same time.”

Ravi nods. N goes on: “Can’t we be more like him? I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I did appreciate all these time you were for me when I first realized my dream, and even now, I know your effort to try to make me a star again. Things have changed. And we grew up. We can’t cling onto the past anymore.”

Ravi keeps his silence. He reaches over and turns off the stove as N is almost done. He helps N to transfer the fillets on the plate. “I see what you mean, but I don’t agree with you entirely.” Before N can say anything, Ravi says, “Sometimes the past is all I have.

“You’ll see.”

N stares back at Ravi. His eyes are full of a millions of questions. What are we? Are we still friends? Am I still a threat to you? Do you love me at all?

“Alright,” says N. If N loves Ravi, he will at least try to understand his story.

A/N: I decided to focus on Navi this chapter. What do you think about them? Do you think that they can have a good and healthy relationship? What should N do?

Please comment and let me know what you think. If you like the series, please subscribe and upvote. :)

Happy summer everyone.

Your dreamer,

suzyelf