Thirty-Sixth Floor

Mindlessly, N walks past the hushed doors of the glowing hotel’s hall and towards the elevator.

You.

Me. I was the one who left first.

N clicks the button. Was that how Ravi feel when N ran off without a word? Did he feel like he was the last boy on earth in that lonely forest that trapped him in? He was too young to run after him.

Maybe Ravi and Hongbin were just cowards.

We are all cowards.

N isn’t fully aware that he’s in the metal box already. Something doesn’t add up. Ravi and Hongbin seemed to be doing fine after he left. He didn’t destroy them as much as they claim he did.

As N cruises past the grand lobby and out in the bright fluorescent light in the foyer burning the darkness, a car drives up and stops in front of him. Ravi is in the driver’s seat.

N gets in without second thought. “I thought you left.”

“I did. I’m back again.” Ravi drives away from the curb and cruises through the parking lot. “How’s Hongbin?”

“He just broke up with Leo. I’ve never seen Leo that heartbroken before.” N glances over to watch Ravi drive. “It’s rare that Leo found some kind of happiness.” Ravi’s hair is disarrayed, a hot mess---a sign that he brushes them back too much out of frustration. N wishes he can talk to the person that pisses Ravi off and tell them to stop. N reaches towards those undone hair and touches air.

Ravi grimaces. “We had a lot of break-ups today.”

N rests his hand on the hand rest. “Did something happen to you too?”

Ravi stops in front of a red light. “I failed our bet.”

It took N few seconds to realize what he meant. Once he does, his hands start shaking. Was this the end that he wanted? “I’m sorry, Ravi.”

Ravi hits the accelerator a little harder than he should. The car jerks. “Don’t be. It’s my fault that I can’t keep my end of the deal. I’m not going to force you to do my movie anymore.”

The rest of the car ride is filled with quietness, because N is at loss of what to say. He should feel relieved that he is not involved in Ravi’s life any longer. He was losing himself the more he got to know Ravi. He attempted to walk around in Wonshik’s shoes, however, the path he had encountered were full of thorns. They ripped open scars that N forgot that he had.

Ravi has his poker face on, but N knows that there’s a storm brewing underneath the surface. N has nothing to say to him now, though he pledges to himself that he will be there for Ravi once his storm wrecks havoc. That’s all he should be allowed to do. Ravi is still in love with Ken.

“I still want to be your friend, Ravi. You can talk to me.”

Ravi physically tenses. “Don't bother.”

N’a heart sinks. His tone wasn't devoid of emotion, still, it was a cutting-edge knife.

“You told me to not look back on the past. I can't do that as long as you are here. This is always what you wanted, you’re having what you want.”

Right. N has been trapped in his story for far too long. If Ravi can't see who N truly is, there's no point sticking around like an annoying blister. N should be happy that he got what he wants. He intakes a shuddery breath, trying to steady himself for the possible last words before Ravi disappears to the abyss. “Ravi, I have been rooting for you and Ken. I understand how much you care for him. This bet doesn’t mean the end for the two of you. You can still win him back.”

Ravi grips on his steering wheel, N can see the veins in his arms pop. A fear of being left behind exudes from Ravi.

You. You were the one who got away.

N fixes his gaze in front on the windshield. The light rain bloomed on the glass forming unrecognizable, disorganized pattern. The swiper shoves the water off N’s sight. In his mind, he kept clearing off the wishful thinking for a better relationship with the man closer than a brother. He knows Ravi’s story, but how much does Ravi knows N’s?

N swallows his confession. He lets Hongbin’s voice rings in his head.

“You little snitch.”

Ken takes off his gray jacket that Hyuk picked out for him. He drops it to the ground. He s his white shirt sluggishly. That gone to the carpet as well. He unbuckles his pants and discards it to one side. He climbs in bed next to Hongbin.

“I thought the faster he finds you here the faster he will go to me. That didn't work out.”

“It never worked out.”

“I thought he was worth a second try. God, I liked him so damned much.” Ken shuts his eyes and let the tears out freely. No one can judge him here in the dark.

Lost Land

Ravi’s diligence is unmatched. Even though he is heartbroken, he will open up the cursed file on his desktop. Lost Land. He will dig up the land where all the dreams are lost and buried deep in the soils. He will continue his story somehow. He will write a novel. Screw N. Ravi can go on without him. He skimps over the first chapter and had to move on, and fast forward to chapter ten, the chapter that he’s stuck on. It is a chapter when Soyee drops Poki off in Ken’s custody. “I’m going backpacking in Europe. I’ll be back in five weeks,” she said. She was gone for seven years. At first, the topic on Poki came up in their exchanged emails, but overtime, no one wanted to talk about him.

Poki waddles over and lies beneath Ravi’s feet. The sparkling youth in his eyes were long extinguished. At least I have you to grow old with me.  I can’t run and play around no more. That’s what his eyes are telling Ravi.

Ravi falls asleep in his chair. They say that you will dream about the last thing you see before closing your eyes. Instead of dreaming of himself and Ken giving Poki his first bath laughing, Ravi meets endless blackness.

Hongbin’s

Hongbin lets the water sit in the warming pot. He would feel at home, perfectly at ease if not for a visitor who causes him constant headache.  “Don’t snoop around,” says Hongbin, loud enough that his voice drifts out to his living room.

“Then don’t invite me over,” replies N. He moves a huge painting over to lean against the coffee table before plopping down on the arm chair.

Hongbin pokes his head around the doorway. “Really now. You’re going to pay if you scratched my arts. You could have sit on the couch.”

“Couches are for losers.”

“Perfect for you.”

N chucks the tissue box at him. Hongbin dodges back into the kitchen just in time. He spreads out the raw spaghetti into the boiling pot.

“What are we having for dinner tonight? Hmm. Let me guess.” N pauses for a long time.

Hongbin has to check on N again to make sure that he’s alive.

"Meatball spaghetti. Like always.”

Hongbin throws the tissue box back at him. “Not meatballs. It’s broccoli spaghetti. We’re doing vegetarian tonight.”

“A downgrade. I’m leaving, Hongbin.”

“The exit’s on your right. Have a good night, N.”

The living room is soundless again. When Hongbin walks away from the boiling spaghetti, he finds N crouching in front of the portrait. Hongbin squats down next to him. “Surprise. You can have it if you want. I suppose Ravi doesn’t need this for his movie poster anymore? He being a quitter and all.”

“Shut up, Hongbin. I’m not talking about the movie if you aren’t talking about Leo.”

Hongbin shifts awkward on the balls of his heels. Leo. Has it been a decade already since he last saw that man? Even if it has not been, Hongbin grew up wise and thought better for himself. He doesn’t need a man to live.

“You know what, N?”

“What?”

“You’re the biggest pain in the .”

“You wish I’m up in that of yours.” N winks.

Hongbin grabs a banana off the coffee table to whack at N’s head.

N dodges. He continues scrutinizing the painting as if nothing happened. “It’s weird. This is my younger self, but not really. It’s Wonshik.”

Hongbin knows what he meant. The boy in the white school uniform is bony, but he resembles N. Hongbin drew him from his memories. Hakyeon was light like swallow. Wonshik had fierce fire behind his pupils, that’s what N looks like in the picture right now: he was both Hakyeon and Wonshik; a blend of quiet desire and  burning passion. “I at portraits. They don’t look like the real person.” Although he was able to make the statement aloud, both men know that Hongbin is just being humble.

“This is perfect. I should look like this on camera.”

Hongbin stares at N at a close range. “You were never fierce,” he states. “You tried to hide your fire, but you have too much inside of you and it showed little by little. Yours is warmer; it doesn’t burn like Ravi. He sets fire on anything that gets too close to him. They suffer from his heat.”

N his head to one side. “You do know how draw portraits.” He taps his cheek lightly.

Hongbin’s ears turn red. “I just know you guys too well.”

“So I’m the friendly fire.”

“Yup. You’re a fluffy ball of sunshine.”

“I don’t want to be something that lame.”

“You’re not lame.” Hongbin stares deep into his eyes. “Your fire hurts too”

N huddles closer to Hongbin. They are whispering like they did when they were younger, more pure, more naive. “What do you mean?”

Hongbin sits on the floor, cross-legged. “You are an overheated rug. People hurt their feet trying to walk all over you.”

“Was that a compliment or an insult?”

Hongbin shrugs the comment off. “I’d like to draw you as you for my next exhibition. Not someone else.”

“Go ahead. You don’t need me as your model. You can draw people perfectly from your memory.”

“Not perfectly. My memory has its own mind.” Hongbin laughs. “And that’s the problem.” Again, his mind flits back to that someone. He vaguely recalls his piney cologne, though his face blurs. Like a PTSD patient, the traumatic event becomes a blank screen in Hongbin’s head. He doesn’t remember what went wrong anymore. Hongbin smiles. He only wants to enjoy his birthday today.

N leans back to the armchair. “If we are fire and heat, then you are a mist.”

Hongbin understands that observation too.

Sound of metal clanking resonates the living room makes the two tear their gaze from the paintings. Ken lets himself into the apartment. “Happy birthday, Hongbin.”

Hongbin ignores Ken and makes a beeline for the box that’s tied in ribbon in his hands. “What cake did you get?”

“You’ll see later.” He saunters over to kitchen table. “Hongbin, something’s boiling.”

“Oh. .” Hongbin runs off to the stove.

Ken follows him inside. “Why didn’t you tell me he’s here?” he asks in a hushed voice.

"I want both of you to come. It’s always the two of us for my birthday. And we aren’t dating or anything.”

“It’s just a tradition, . Who wants to date you?”

Hongbin hits Ken with the spatula.

He yelps. “You’ll regret inviting him.”

“We’ll see.” Hongbin scoops up the mushy noodles and splits it into three plates. He pours the greenish sauce over them.

Ken grimaces. “Do we have to eat that? I can order Chinese food.”

“No Chinese food.” Hongbin glares at him.

They take the plates out and lays them on the table around a pot of daffodil.

“Kind of random to have a plant here. I should’ve bought you roses,” Ken comments.

Hongbin ignores N’s strange look. “Ken’s obsessed with expensive roses. It got nothing to do with me.”

Ken nods in agreement. “They are my mom’s favourite.”

“How is she in the States?” Hongbin asks, though it actually sounded muffled, coming from a mouth full of spaghetti.

"She’s not in the hospital anymore.” Ken coughs up some broccoli green sauce. “She’s now the exec at Korean-American Women’s Association. She’s busy organizing fundraisers for charities.”

“Are you going to visit her soon?” asks N.

Ken lays the forks and spoons around. He doesn’t meet N’s eyes when he says, “I’m too busy with work. Maybe next year.”

Hongbin gives the oblivious N a side glare. It’s never a good idea to bring up Ken’s estranged and “crazy” mom.

“You’re still at that ty paparazzi company?” asks Hongbin a little too loudly. “I thought it was shut down already.”

Ken stabs his fork through the spaghetti. “Don’t jinx it. It’s dying, but it’s still alive.”

“It’s going to shut down without the dirt on N,” says Hongbin.

Ken narrows his eyes at him.

“What? N probably knows all your dirty tricks. That’s why he’s not talking to you.”

“You’re going to tell everyone that I was a drag queen, are you?” asks N.

“N, Hongbin’s here.” Ken gawks at him.

“Hey, why are you all hiding secrets from me?” says Hongbin. “You were a drag queen?” He gasps.

“Yeah. I was working at a club for a bit after I left your home.” N turns to Ken then. “So are you going to tell everybody?”

“I swear I won’t. Try trusting me this one time.”

N makes no comment on that.

“Guys, eat more,” says Hongbin.

“Chinese food?” asks Ken.

Right away, N cleans up the plates for real food.

A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed your summer! Thank you for being patient with me. :)

So this is the denouement from Hongbin's missing episode. At this point, I just want the boys to have the endings that they deserve. <3

How do you think everything's going to go down now? What do you stan? Let me know in the comment.

You're good with the story? Then upvote and sub. Thank you for all the responses so far.

Your dreamer,

suzyelf

P.S. VIXX is coming to my city to hold a concert. Finally!!! Been waiting for 3 and 1/2 year. Hold me tight, Starlights. TT